KUMA: Now What by RealDepth

I hadn’t realized when I’d fallen asleep. I guess I was much more tired then I thought. I was startled when I heard the phone ring. It took a second for me to process the special ring-tone. My heart started beating faster. I reached over and cleared my throat before saying hello. I still managed to sound horrible. I looked at the alarm clock on my nightstand and it read 10:39. I had barely slept four hours. I thought about the night before and smiled to myself.

Oh, what a night! I thought.

Her voice came through the phone clearly.

"Hey, ma. Sorry to wake you. I know you still sleep."

It’s been a year since I known her and every time I heard her voice my head still spun and my heart still raced.

"Nope, I ain’t sleep." Boy, I was lying! "How you doing, Lena?"

I tired to sound awake as possible but she saw though it. My eyes started to burn. (They tend to do that if enough sleep hasn’t been had.)

"You are such a liar. I can hear it in your voice. Go back to sleep, Trice. I’ll get at you later."

She was so full of it. I’ve been though this one too many times to actually believe she would actually let me go back to sleep. Anyone else waking me up this early would have gotten their feelings hurt, but not her. She’s special… hints the special ring tone.

"Nah, you good, Lena."

Even if she really did want to hang up I was not going to let her! Let’s be serious. She laughed and it made the burning sensation in my eyes go away. She did that type of thing to me.

"Well, I’m in your area. You want me to drop by and holla at you?"

I smiled. She was always just "in my area" wanting to holla at me. She would always be near enough to be "in my area" but far enough for me to get my shit together. I looked around my bedroom and quickly jumped outta bed to begin last minute cleaning up before she got here.

"Yeah, come on over. I ain’t doing shit." Still lying.

By the time my doorbell rang, I was just finishing my shower, my place was spotless and I was dripping wet, feeling fresh, and smelling like Irish Spring.

"I’m coming!" I yelled towards the front door.

I wrapped a towel around myself and went to let her in. When I opened it, I found her reaching for the doorbell again. Impatient one! My heart placed itself in my throat, just like it did every time I laid eyes on her. She was looking down at her chucks and the moment she looked up, I melted. She looked deeply into my eyes and smiled that irresistible, crooked smile. I tried to appear unmoved but my heart had yet to stop racing. I stood at the door, waiting for her say or do something but she just stared.

I cleared my throat, "Are you just going to stand there?"

She smiled wider and her face turned bright red.

"Umm… umm… I… I… hey you!" she stuttered when she was nervous.

I laughed as I invited her inside, "Girl, come in here"

She came in the house and wrapped me in her arms. It felt good to touch her again. I could not stop smiling.

"I missed you, girl!" she screamed.

"I missed you, too!" We shared energy for a second and I was happy when she finally let me go. I didn’t know what I was capable of. Inhaling the mixture of curve and cigarette smoke coming from her pores was driving me crazy.

"Go to my room. I was just finishing my shower. I’ll be out in a second."

I watched her walk in the direction of my bedroom. I’ve known her for a while and we spent most of her visits in my bedroom, chilling. Truth be told? I was completely, undeniably, unrealistically, inventorially, crazily, deeply in love with this woman. Only she didn’t know that my heart, body and soul belonged to her. I’ve always wanted to tell her but could never find the courage. So that left many thoughts and feelings unmentioned. But I’ve always felt in the depths of my heart that maybe she felt the same way. I just quickly finished the reminder of my shower and walked into the bedroom and found her lying on my bed, remote in hand, looking quite comfortable.

"Aren’t you comfortable, miss?" She looked at me and just started staring again. I walked towards my dresser and stopped at the foot of the bed. "It’s been awhile, Lena." I said as I removed the towel. I began a search for something to wear.

"Yeah, I know." Was her reply. She was doing everything in her power to avoid looking directly at me.

"You okay, Lena? You look a little pale in the face." I stopped my search and turned my full attention towards her. My hands were at my hips. I was still a bit wet.

"Yeah, I ‘m good." She cleared her throat. "It’s just… umm… I… umm… You standing there naked and… umm… wet." She started blushing again.

"You tripping, girl! It's not like it’s something you haven't seen before. What’s the problem you've never seen ass and titties?" I laughed at her being so visibly uncomfortable.

She and I were intimate once in the entire span of our friendship. And that one time, we both admitted to just having been caught up in the moment. It was the music and the natural chemistry that we have always shared. We agreed to not crossing those invisible boundaries again. I respected her and have never attempted to push up on her, although everything in my body wanted to feel her touch me in that way again. And how I secretly wished she felt the same. I felt as if we had connected soul to soul but she was in love. Only she wasn’t in love with me… she was in love with her girlfriend.

Yep, she was involved! I, honestly, never thought her girlfriend was worthy. See, she treated her girlfriend like a queen and was very unappreciated. I could love her better, but I dared not say what I really thought. I kept my feelings to myself so I wouldn’t be considered a hater.

I began my search for clothing again. My nipples were stiff from the cold air coming from the ac. I was successful in finding a pair of jean and a tank. I wore no panties or no bra. I sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed lotions and oils into my skin before I finally got dressed. I felt her eyes on me and I was wishing she would touch me, but she didn’t. After I was done, I went and lay next to her. She turned her face towards me and took a deep breath.

"You smell so good. Always like baby oil and apples."

It was my turn to blush. I never thought she noticed my scent. "Thanks!" I changed the subject… "But you know what time it is! Give it to me, Lena!" I reached for the remote and she pulled it away from my grasp. It was always the same battle with her ass. I screamed as we began to wrestle. The channel settled on the neo-soul music channel. Sade sang… "This is no ordinary love… No ordinary love… This is no ordinary love… No ordinary."

A moment later I was on my back and she was on top of me. I swear she stared right into my soul. Damn. I turned my head to hide the love I was not ready to let her see.

"Trice, look at me."

God, why did I listen? I looked into her eyes again.

"Trice, you’re so… so… damn."

She touched my cheek. Reality began to settle in. I started pushing her off of me. I didn’t want my pussy to over power my better sense but she didn’t budge.

"Lena, move girl! Don’t make me have to beat you down." I tried to laugh the lust away. I

failed. My heart started beating faster the more intense she looked. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and resumed her position beside me. She looked to have been in deep thought.

"What you thinking?"

She smiled. "About Alicia…"

"Great" I thought. I really did not want to hear this!

"I broke up with her a few months ago." Pause… another deep breath.

"Me and you ain't talk in a minute. So much has been going on. With Licia, work, I’m trying to get back in school now, and some other aspects of the daily."

I took a deep breath of my own. Damn. Was it flaw that I was kind of glad she had finally got rid of her trifling ass hoe?

"What happened, Lena?" I positioned myself on my side to clearly see her face. She was staring at the ceiling fan.

"You know the history. I finally got tired of giving and never receiving. I was done trying to save her tired ass. She didn't deserve a nigga like me, Trice. That’s real. Two and a half years wasted. I can’t even say I learned one thing from her!" she started getting heated.

A million thoughts were running though my head. I heard her take a deep breath.

"I thought y’all was gonna be together forever! I mean you were always so in love with her and shit. I remember all those nights we stayed up and talked about her, until the wee hours of the morning. I’m sorry to hear that y’all didn't work. But y’all probably gonna get back together again... like y'all always do."

I was really trying to be a good friend. You know, offering good advice. My heart had slowed down but honestly I was excited. She was finally unattached! I doubted that she would want to pursue anything new with anyone, let alone me! A person whom she has repeatedly said she saw as just a friend. My fingers were crossed anyway. A girl can always dream, right? She looked me directly in the eyes.

"You want to know something?" She turned over on her side to face me completely. I nodded my head.

"Every time I touched her, I wanted to be touching you." She smiled as my mouth hung open.

"Uh… what?" She touched my cheek.

"Seriously, after that one time I got to touch you…" She smiled as she ran her finger across my bottom lip. "I wanted… I couldn’t stop thinking about you and it started affecting my relationship. I denied it, though. I kept telling myself I was tripping. But I knew. I was… I am…" She took another deep breath. "I…"

Before she could finish her thought, I sat up. What the fuck was happening? Another dream. It had to be another dream.

"Lena, you’re just hurting right now. You don’t know what you’re talking about! We haven't spoken in months."

Babyface’s whining in the background was not making matters any better. This felt so dramatic. It felt kind of like a soap opera. She sat up and took my face in her hands. She looked right into my soul once more and caressed my entire face with soft hands.

"Nah, Trice. I know exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve often thought about how maybe there was someone that was actually made for me… a soul mate. I thought about how content I was with Licia and how every second shared with you I finally felt happy. I felt something since the first time I heard your voice. And then I saw how beautiful you were. Honestly, I was so afraid to be around you, knowing that it would be so easy to fall in love with you. But no matter how hard I denied myself from your presence, no matter how many times I told myself Licia was the only one for me, no matter how many times I told myself we were just friends… I kept ending up right back here, sitting and talking on the porch, or on the phone with you, or in your house on your bed, just in your company, period!" She was breathless.

She moved even closer to me. I closed my eyes and felt her lips on my cheek… left then right. She kissed my forehead, my eyelids and my nose.

"I’ve always felt at ease around you. I always needed to be present in your life and you in mine. I’ve never felt comfortable anywhere. Not even in my own damn house! Do you understand? I’ve only slept at ease, knowing you were at my side. I didn’t have hold you. I just knew I was safe. But I didn’t want to believe I had fallen in love with you… but I did."

I opened my eyes and saw her sitting there in front of me. My knight in dickey armor, the person I’ve loved for the past year. The tears flowed from my eyes. She wiped them away as the came. She held me in her arms and cooed. I felt overwhelmed. I was happy. But I didn’t want to be "the rebound". Was this really happening?

"Excuse me." I got up and went into the bathroom… Now what?

I was looking in the mirror; still unable to process what just happened. Lena was in my bedroom, waiting for me. Was I still asleep? I’ve been dreaming of this moment for so long. I loved her with my entire being and here she was telling me she loved me too. Was it the moment she was caught up in, like months before? Was it the mixture of the baby oil and apples dripping from my skin? Whatever it was, I didn’t want to set myself up to be let down. After a rough break up, I know things could be very confusing. She had to be confused. I washed my tears away and tired to suck it up. I heard a knock on the bathroom door.

"Yeah?" I said trying to hold myself together with every ounce of strength I had. It wasn’t working.

"Trice? You okay, ma?" she called from behind the door.

I wanted to remain in the bathroom and hide from what I thought was coming.

What was coming?

I was conflicted. I was nervous. Damn.

I opened the door and she was standing there in her beater and boxers. From our pervious encounter and from earlier conversations, I knew there was nothing beneath.

Oh God!

What was she trying to do to me? As if I wasn’t thinking about enough, she was standing in front of me with damn near nothing on. My eyes automatically scanned her body.

She was the closest thing to perfection, if ever there were. She was solid. 5 foot 7 inches, between 150-155pounds. Thick in all the right places. She had a high yellow complexion and light brown eyes to match her sexy skin tone. Thank God for interracial couples that produced offspring! My eyes were glued to her chest.

I licked my lips and she did the same… Her hips were wide and her wrist was thin and Lord, did I adore her stomach. Her legs and arms were well toned and proudly displayed her athleticism. But what stood out the most were those lips! They were full, pink, round and begging to be kissed. I know lust was written on every inch of my face. Something was going on in that head of hers, too because I quickly noticed the stiffness in her nipples. My lungs were begging for breath. My pussy quickly became wet. She was aroused.

"What-… what-… what-… what are you doing, Lena?" I stuttered.

She came into the bathroom with me, forcing her entrance. Slowly she got closer and closer until I wasn’t able to move away from her any farther. She looked down on me and then wrapped me in her arms. She felt so good. She let me go slightly and tilted my face so mine eyes could meet hers.

"You scared?" She read my thoughts. I felt as if I could no longer breathe. I was scared, confused, excited, and horny.

"Lena, you tripping. Move." I struggled to get away from her grasp.

"We’re just friends, remember? That’s what you told me!"

I tried relentlessly to fight the desire and yearning that burned in the pit of my soul. She grabbed me and held on tighter.

"Say you want us to be friends, Trice! Say it, I’ll leave and we’ll pretend like this moment never happened."

I said nothing. She let me go and I saw the pain and confusion in her eyes. She was getting heated.

"I know you love me! But tell me! Tell me, Patrice! Say you want to be my dawg, my home girl, one of my niggas!"

She looked so intense. I looked down and realized I had yet to take a breath.

"Lena, you know what it is! You’ve always known. Yeah, you know I love you. Shit, I’ve loved you since… since! Remember it was you stressing a friendship. You repeatedly told me to my face, on the phone, every chance you got, you only wanted and needed Alicia."

Shit, I was heated now. I tore myself from her and walked out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom. She was fast on my heels. I stopped in my tracks and faced her…

"What you want from me, Lena? Pussy? You can get pussy from anybody you want it from! I don’t have shit to give you but my heart, Lena! What do you want?"

Tears were burning under my eyelids again. I turned my back to her. She came up behind me. She was pressed up so close behind me I felt her heart beat. She placed her hands on my shoulders and whispered, "For you to love me like I know you can."

The tears fell from my eyes and I started to weep.

"Look at me, Trice."

I faced her and looked into her eyes.

"Don’t cry, Love." She kissed the tears as the fell. Damn, I loved her. I closed my eyes, locking the tears in place. She felt her face moving closer to mine and our lips met for the first time in so many months. It felt good. It felt right. Her mouth was so warm, and her body fit against mine perfectly. We kissed for what seem like forever before she interrupted it. She planted kisses on my cheeks, eyes, nose, and forehead and back to my lips.

"I love you, girl. I always did. I’m just so sorry it took so long for me to realize it." As much as I enjoyed touching her again, those words felt so much better to hear from her.

"Show me…"

Lena slowly removed my tank. My breast and very stiff nipples greeted her. She kissed each one. She then unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans. She kneeled to remove them. She kissed my stomach, my inner and outer thighs and knaves. I felt weak in the knees, and my knees were threatened to give out on me. She avoided my most anxious spot. She left a trail of kisses back upward. She stood and just admired my nakedness.

I started feeling self-conscious. I looked down at my feet.

"You’re perfect, Trice." She kissed my lips softly. I felt like silk. I opened my eyes when we parted lips. I became anxious. I smiled.

"Your turn, Lena." I removed her beater and kissed each perfect breast. I kissed her washboard stomach and bent kneeled to take off her boxers. Her aroma was intoxicating. I watched the wetness dripped down her thigh.

"I do that to you, Lena?" I smiled up at her and licked the juices that came from deep inside her. I felt her legs trembling. She pulled my hair and turned me on that much more.

"Damn, girl!" She said lustfully. She pulled me into standing position and pushed me onto the bed.

"You want me to show you?" She smiled her crooked smile.

"What did you think you were doing, huh? You think you get to taste me before I taste you?" Her eyes were so serious and her voice so calm. She climbed on top of me and touched my cheek.

"Open up for me, Trice." She licked her lips as she parted my legs.

She gently stroked my clit and I became wetter and wetter. She slowly placed two fingers inside me. My walls contracted around her fingers.

"Oh… damn." My eyes were sealed as she pleased me in ways unimaginable with her fingers. She massaged my clit and kissed me as she did so. My moans filled the air. She knew exactly what to do.

"Damn, girl. For me?" Her voice aroused me even more.

I replied a barely auditable, "Yes, for you! Only for you." She worked her fingers faster. "Ah… Mm… oh, Lena!" She continued to play with my pussy. "Shit. Baby, taste me, Lena. Please, baby."

She took her time and teased me. Her fingers never stopped working as she kissed my neck and caressed my nipples with her free hand. Nor did they stop as she tongued my bellybutton. She kissed and licked the small of my stomach and I nearly passed out when she blew on my clit. She sent chills up my spine. She removed her fingers and placed her tongue deep in my pussy.

"Oh!" I was about to lose it. Her tongue was wet and warm. "Yes, Lena! Eat this pussy, baby. Yes."

She tongued fucked me and sucked on my clit and nearly drove my over the edge. There wasn’t a spot in my body that wasn’t touched, kissed, licked or sucked. Within the next hour I found myself on my knees and elbows, on my side and my back. My legs were getting weak and I wasn’t sure I could take anymore.

"Baby, stop! Stop! I’m about to come, Lena. I’m coming, baby!" I tried to stop the wave that promised to wash over me. I couldn’t, though.

I came all over her tongue and fingers.

"Ah… ah… Mm… oh… ah… Mm… Mm… shit, Lena! Don’t stop! Don’t stop!"

She continued to stroke her tongue between my ass cheeks and my pussy lips. I continued coming all over her face.

Finally when the shaking and trembling subsided, I laid on my stomach. She kissed my legs, and my entire back. I turned over with the little strength I had left and she lay next to me. Her face was wet with my juices and sweat. I kissed her cheeks and licked my lips.

"Mm…" She smiled.

She looked deep into my eyes; I blushed and used my fingers to play with her nipples. I soon caught my second wind and climb on top of her. She smiled up at me.

"You made me feel so good. Let me do the same for you, now."

I kissed her softly. I made my way down to her other lips. I paid close attention to her neck and nipples. She pulled my hair again.

"Mm…" I kissed and licked my way downward and I finally reached God’s most perfect design. I took a moment and looked at her pussy; it was nearly trimmed. I could see the juices seeping from the folds of her lips. She never let me get this close before. I licked my lips and parted hers. I took her clit into my mouth and sucked it gently. She bucked against mouth.

"Mm- ah…" She was fighting the moans that threatened to escape her.

She has always thought it was a butches’ job to please and from that be pleased. I wanted to show her it was a two way street. I sucked and licked every part of her. She tasted good.

"Ah… ah… Mm… oh… Shit, Patrice." It felt so good to hear her moan and say my name like she was. I was glad I could please her. In an instant we were in the 69 position. I had my tongue buried in her while she sucked my clit. I put two fingers in her and fingered her pussy. She grinned against my face.

"Ah…" No sound ever sounded so sweet. After endless hours of us pleasing one another, we came in unison. Very feminine moans filled the entire house. She and I lay next to each other again. We panted and tried desperately to catch breath. She held me in her arms and I listened to her heartbeat slowly calm.

"I love you, Trice." She whispered.

I smiled and closed my eyes… Now what?

It’s been a few months since that day with Lena happened and I hadn’t heard from her since then. When I woke up hours later from the happiest morning of my life to find a note next to me.

"Hey, you. I didn’t want to wake you. You looked so peaceful but I had to go… Job calls. Later, Lena."

That was it. I tried calling her many times but to no avail. My heart felt a familiar ache all over again. I had caressed her and she did the same in return. She touched the deepest parts of me but just as the day had started it had ended. Now I was alone without even as much as a "hey you" text message or a "what's up" e-mail. I was truly hurt but I had to suck it up and keep going. Tears and sorrow have never made the woman. To ease my pain, I imagined it all to have been a dream. Like many dreams deferred, this one eventually came to an end. My days moved along slowly and without much purpose but the days came and went the same. Work was work and school was school. Everyday were filled with thoughts of her, though. Damn her for building me up and letting me fall on my face… hard! I laid awake many nights and wondered what I had done to deserve the pain she had caused me. Negative thoughts crossed my mind but I rather believe she regretted the morning that occurred three months prior and coward away. I would rather believe that then to think something bad had happened to her.

Another day… I woke and began going through the motions: hygiene management, wardrobe choice, and breakfast. Then an interruption at 7:21 in that morning came with the ringing of my phone. I had long deleted Lena’s numbers out of my phone with the hopes of forgetting her so when I looked at the caller id. I didn’t recognize the number.

I answered somberly, "Hello…"

"Hey you…" She spoke slowly and I knew she was trying to catch my mood. I hated her for forsaking me just 10 seconds ago but I loved her so much. The anger that I felt disappeared. I reminded myself of the hurt she caused many nights. I rebuilt the walls that her voice knocked down as I waited for an explanation. I simply cleared my throat.

"I know you’re upset, Trice. Let me come see you. I know you got to go to class soon but please just five minutes. Please, beautiful." She sounded so sincere. I really debated. I truly did. My head said no but my heart screamed yes. My heart won.

"Five minutes."

I hung up and finished my breakfast. My heart nearly pounded its way out of my chest. I heard her car pull in the driveway. I listened to her open and close the car door. A moment later I heard my doorbell chime. I walked towards the door and second-guessed the decision to let her come over. I finally opened the door to find her looking pitiful with a huge care bear in one arm. My heart melted but I continued to display indifference. She caught my eyes and smiled. I raised an eyebrow.

"Five minutes." I looked at my watch and turned and walked back into the kitchen. I heard her close and lock the door behind me. She came into the kitchen and placed the bear in seat at the table. She walked up behind me as I stood at the counter. There was a long silence before she took a breath and starting talking.

"Trice, I’m sorry, ma. I really am. What I did was all types of fucked up. I thought I was ready for us. For you. I wasn’t, though. That day was… amazing. But as I watched you sleep, I knew I wasn’t the nigga for you. I left because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I just thought it would be easier. "

I turned around abruptly. I was pissed.

"What the fuck? You don’t know what the fuck I went through. What you did was fucked up… major. I can’t… Ugh. Fuck you… get out."

I turned and faced the sink again.

She remained close behind me. She touched my shoulder and I pulled away.

"Man, I had to damn near throw my phone out the window to keep from calling you. I wanted to return your calls and many times I started to but… I was- I don’t know. I just felt so bad for leaving you like that. I know I’m sorry ain’t shit, but for what it’s worth it’s sincere. Put it in ya pocket and do what you will."

Still I didn’t say a word. I just stood there and fought the urge to cry.

"Later, Lena."

"Trice, Alicia called me last week and ask me to chill with her… and I did, yo."

I simply shrugged. But I was not trying to hear that shit. I know she wasn’t trying to rip my heart apart purposely. The tears burned under my lids. She was telling me she was back with Alicia.

"Why me, God?" I couldn’t take it. I kept telling myself not to cry, though. I refused to cry.

"Trice, I hugged and kissed her. Straight up." She sighed, and I could feel her hand reach for her head. Frustration. "I realized I only wanted to hug and touch and be touched by you. I need you, Trice."

She moved closer.

She kissed the tattoo on my neck, and I felt warm all over. I stepped away.

"Listen, I was tripping letting all this time go by without talking to you, Trice. I fucked up. I’m sorry but I know now. You hate me, huh?"

A million different thoughts were running through my head. I took a deep breath, and I looked at my watch. "Your five minutes are up, Lena."

My heart cried out and told me not to let her walk out my life but I just had to let her go. I had to, for the sake of my sanity.

"Just look at me, please. Please, Trice." She pulled my arm.

I turned around slowly with my face expressionless and looked into her eyes. They were glassy. I saw tears in Lena’s eyes for the first time ever in the entire span of out "relationship". She was never the crying type. And there she was in front of me about the let all inhibitions go.

"I love you, Trice. Real nigga shit. I wasn’t bullshitting when I came out my mouth and told you that shit. That’s real." She sighed and I wiped the tear that fell from her eye.

"I love you too, Lena, but I just… can’t. I’m sorry." I turned my back. "Please leave."

My heart ached and I longed to cry, but I couldn’t bring myself to shed the tears. I couldn’t wrap her in my arms, as my heart demanded that I do. I loved her, true, but it was just too much for me.

"Trice, I know I fucked up. Please don’t do this, ma. We could work. Let’s try. Take shit slow. Please don’t throw away what we can have. Please."

I could feel my heart breaking. I felt like shit. I spoke with my back to her, finally letting the tears fall. "I love you. Always have. Always will. You’ve hurt me unbelievably, Lena. Do you think you deserve me? I love you! Would do anything for you but you lied. I was never anything but honest. Bye, Lena."

I heard her let out a final sigh.

"Alright."

I heard her leave the kitchen, open, and closed the door. She was gone as quickly as she came.

I leaned in front of the sink and cried for hours. I felt as though my life had ended. Lena was gone.