Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chilliest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
It’s only the beginning…
The baby was in her bassinette and Jyra was out doing whatever the hell she wanted to do. I told her to leave the house because against my interest she decided to stay with me until the baby was completely one month old. So here I was lying in my bed, off from work, and having a little post-partum. I had worked the weekend submitting articles to the newspaper for my column, and I felt I was entitled to a day off. It was time for a little “mommy and Ella’s bonding time”.
It all felt like it didn’t matter anyway because Jy was so damn protective of her. It seemed I never got rime to just relax with the baby and spend time with her without Jy picking her up and calling her “JyJy’s booboo”, and all the other ridiculous names she thinks are cute. Don’t get me wrong, Jy is indeed a great “mommy”, but I was just some person who equally lived in the house, and had only suffered through 26 hours of terrible labor to push that little monkey out. I was no longer looked at as her wife or partner, but the mother of “her” child.
Most recently I began working again from home. When Jy comes home, it isn’t the “wife” she wants to see, but “our baby”. I just wasn’t good enough, and it was only a matter of time before she mentioned something about the extra weight that was sitting on my ass. She was a health nut like that. Along with our sex life that makes “non-existent” sound like an understatement. Oh well.
The news never seems to stop at the tribune anyway, and I will never stop loving to write about it. Last night Jy and I got into a major argument about how I had a problem with her because I have to sit at home and watch “her” kid . I suppose she was right, because I’ve always felt a woman wasn’t a true woman unless she worked for her independence and respect. She feels that a woman isn’t a woman unless she can submit to her partner and have children for her partner if she isn’t able to, AND appreciate having “her” children.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my Ella. I do enjoy being a mom, but it is something that I have to get used to. I went from the head editor of a major newspaper that circulates around the complete Denver area, to being an at home mom waiting for her partner to come home. Hell, she doesn’t even own a damn uterus, how the hell does she know what it feels like for a woman to be a “real” woman? That’s another story, and she knew that even remotely talking about that shit was a guaranteed argument.
To say it best, Jyra and I are extremely different than most lesbian couples. She is an English black woman and I am a southern Tennessee “mixed” breed. We met over the internet and along with meeting over the internet we planned our whole life together. A lot went on within that year we were “together”, so much that I surprised her on one cold English June day when she was d.j.-ing in one of her clubs with some cute black leather pants.
Those, I think to myself, are what were the good days when love was still young and innocent. Life is different now and it is obvious that the small things matter none, especially to her. We’ve let the “old memories” die and upon my completion of my masters in journalism, I begged her to move to be with me in Denver, and started my life with her against the odds of everyone including myself. That was 8 years ago. My birthday is tomorrow and I will be 41. Jyra just turned 30 (yes I know major age difference!). I can honestly say that never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would be an at home mom, discouraged with my life, financially blessed with my own club, and still feeling that something is missing.
NOT Just Another Night
Jy was in her booth mixing one of my fave tunes from Carl Thomas called “Oh No, you cant be serious.” She added her own reggae mix solo that she added to the end and it was always so sexy when she began to throw her old school flavor in there.
Jy was an absolutely sexy woman. I have never thought of her as beautiful, but she has always been sexy to me. She has a very unique look but it is beyond gorgeous when you see this dark skinned sista look into your eyes with her bright green eyes. She was hypnotizing, and deeper than one of Denver’s canyon.
“Our” club is awesome. It’s so eclectic and it has a natural gay/str8/whatever friendly vibe. I see her many admirers who send her drinks all night. She always sends them back or sends them to me. She makes sure to dedicate one song every night to me even when I am not there. But tonight was different. The baby was 3 months and holding her head up well, so I called our friend Khadijah who happened to be a solemn Muslimah, and asked her to watch Ella. She agreed, so me and the missus was free for the night.
It was past time for me to dress sexy, jump on the back of Jy’s harley and ride with her to the club. My leather bodysuit was fitting in places I never knew existed till after the baby so you know I was getting unexpected attention from out of towners who didn’t know whom I belonged to. I suppose you can say we were both sexy tonight. Jy’s 6'3" frame over my 5'2" shortness had an element that most were not used to seeing.
Even so, we were together and “appeared” to be happy in love.
“Hey Gracie”. The bartender Sharian was sending over a drink to me as I sat at the bar and watched my woman.
Sharian was a sweetheart and often I told Jy that she was the best part of her club. She just had an all around beautiful personality. She was a big girl but she had the most gorgeous smile in the world.
“You know she’s back to her normal self again Grace. You must been giving it up?”
“Shittttt! Not me luv. We barely sleep in the same bed together ya know. You know how your sister (blood related) can be at times. But things are getting better since we are both getting back on a schedule ya know.”
“Yeah I know. She just seems to have a little bit of her joy back and you know she is going to mix extra hard tonight cause you‘re here.”
“Yeah I know, and make me whip some of these no panty wearing wenches.”
I laughed and Sharian laughed. I was looking in Sharian’s face when she had this look of disgust.
I looked over to see some chick who had jumped on stage and was heading toward Jy‘s booth. The thing about it is that Jy wasn’t making any big moves to move this bitch off of her. The little chick jumped down and looked as if she was walking towards me.
“How’s the baby, Grace?”
“The baby is fine and who are you again?”
This little chick gave me an answer that changed my life right then on the dot.
“Jy calls me Sal.”
She grabbed her drink and walked off. Sharian looked at me and I know she could see exactly what I was thinking. See I know right now that some of you are thinking exactly like I was thinking. This is an episode straight out of the L Word where Tina catches Bette cheating. You think you already know who was going to get the baby and everything. BUT you got it ALL twisted.
See Tina is classier than me. She jumped on Bette at home. I am not that kind of girl. I have this thing called ---anger….because I am this person called---- a real woman….And I am from the south--- specifically Memphis, Tennessee. Enough said you say…I agree!
I walked over to the girl at her little table with her little friends. I asked her straight up.
“What the fuck was that comment supposed to mean?”
“Are we getting nervous Gracie?”, she responded back to me in a smart ass voice.
She stood up like she was bulking at me.
I turned around and my love was dedicating a song to me, and trying to take the attention off of me and “that thing”. She may have shifted attention for a minute but trust me, there would be a confrontation later at the house. And it was sure about to be Jy’s ass in trouble for embarrassing me. I could see the way she was cutting her eye at her when she thought I wasn’t paying attention. I’m not saying my baby was cheating on me, but I am saying that she just may have gotten too comfortable with that little bitch since I‘ve been away with the baby and all, and some things was about to get seriously shaken up.
NOT Just Another Day
It was just another day. I got up and after cooking breakfast, headed off to work. The baby at the time was nearing 2 years old. Jy had taken the day off to spend with Ella and I was going out into the city to run some errands, and to stop by my office and have a short staff meeting with one of my supervisors. It was just any other day.
Life is odd. It’s amazing how many times your conscious tells you things and you ignore it out of finding it unimportant. I ignored the fact that my wife hadn’t really touched me since the baby was born. I ignored the fact that every other week I was getting pissed off at her for not loving me or liking me the way that she used to. I ignored the fact that she was in better shape than ever, and a completely different personality when we were with our friends, or at the club. I ignored all of these things and they bit me in the ass…Hard!
I remember what I was wearing that day. I had on a black sweater with my new black boots that Jy had gotten me for Christmas. I had on some very fitted jeans, my long duster and my favorite pink scarf, because it was cool that morning. I looked at my daughter and my wife as I walked out the door and remembered thinking to myself “that no matter what, I love this woman, if only for how great of a mom she is to my baby, I love her.” I kissed her on the cheek and left.
I went to town. I ran into an old acquaintance. To be honest she was an old girlfriend who I never really liked and didn’t particularly enjoy sexually. She was just a means to an end that specific time in my life. We chatted while I got coffee at a local coffee shop and then we parted ways. I went to the newspaper and caught my 11:30 meeting that lasted way too long. I called Jy around 2 but she didn’t pick up the phone. I figured she was out herself with the baby and dismissed her not calling me back after the 5th and 6th phone call.
Around 3 I decided to go home. Jy had told me to stop by the club for her because a new d.j. was supposed to be starting on Friday and I had agreed to go by there because she was staying home with Ella. The meeting was at 4:30 but I had a temperamental migraine and my pills were at home. Since the club and our house wasn’t very far, I was going to stop by there and get some pills and head out. I pulled up at my house and got a chilly feeling. A feeling that “something” wasn’t right.
I went into my house and went immediately to my daughter’s room to check on her. She was in her “big girl bed” sleeping. I went to my room and picked up my pills, and figured that Jy must be in her studio. I swear to you all that any other day I would have left out the house so that I made that meeting on time because I am punctual when it comes to meetings and things like that. But I heard the washing machine going and wanted to remind Jy to add extra water so that her clothes wouldn’t be too soapy.
So I walked slowly down the stairs into her studio trying to ignore the music that was way too loud. She had some ridiculous sex song on. It was something singing about “Mz. Pretty Pussy.” I knocked but I knew she didn’t hear me because she normally keeps her earphones on. I opened the door and something told me to look up into the booth. And I did.
She was there butt ass naked with that girl, Sal, from the club. She had her legs spread out and she was fucking her against the wall. It’s imprinted on my mind how she looked as if she was completely enjoying it. She was even fucking her with the strap that I had bought this past Christmas thinking that it would add some spice in our bedroom. No reason I could never make her pull it out. She played the shy game with me, but this woman that I was staring at through the glass was not my wife. She wasn’t shit to me. I stared at them while they were both getting it.
She pulled the strap out of her and started to eat her pussy like she was mal-nourished. Sal’s head was back and she was controlling Jy’s head like this incident wasn’t the first time that they hooked up. My heart felt as if it was wrapped around my ankles and had physically removed itself from my chest. I watched while they kissed and had a free for all fuck-fest. And then I snapped.
I went upstairs and grabbed my metal bat. A house, a baby, and a club. She was willing to give all of this up. A past, present, and what I thought was to be a future was just down the drain. If that was how she looked at it, then so was her equipment. I walked back downstairs and they never even seen me or looked up until they heard the first crash onto her $300, 000 equipment. I ripped that shit. Softball in high school had paid off because I had good aim and a hell of a swing.
I will never forget the way her face looked when she knew that I knew. As she busied herself putting on her clothes, I was on the equalizer breaking some shit up. I never once said a word and wasn’t going to because I had in my mind what my agenda was, break this shit up quick and in a hurry. Jy tried to come towards me and I threatened to whip her ass with the bat. She eventually jumped on me and got the bat away from me. It was too late then because I was done with fucking her stuff up.
Her little bitch had slipped out the basement door and Jy was following me up the stairs to our room because she knew I was about to pack my shit and get the hell up out of there. I told her not to worry about us because I was taking the baby and we were going to visit my cousins in Birmingham, Alabama. She didn’t fight me about it. I told her if she wanted to check on her kid, to call my mom but not to ask for me. It was simple, I was out of there and reconciliation didn‘t look too bright either.
It was a few months later. Jy was on the phone trying to convince me that we could work it out and not to do this to her because she never had a family. I was thinking to myself, “yeah whatever bitch“. I finally hung up on her when the mailman came. I was flipping through the mail and stumbled upon this odd letter with weird handwriting. It was addressed to me and there was no return envelope. I figured it was some mess from Jy but it wasn’t. It was a journal entry/ letter that truly changed my life and let me know that me and my baby was from then on by ourselves. It was dated the night after the first encounter with that girl, Sal.
Me and Jyra had just had one of our hardcore screw fests as normal. The “wife” had pissed her off and of course she came by my house, because she was “in the neighborhood”. We had promised about a month ago to stop our 2 year façade, but it didn’t stop her. She stills come by and get a piece when Grace stressed her out. Hell, I am a struggling college student and the “hush” money, as I liked to call it, is good enough to pay one or two of my many debts I have accumulated after my mom kicked me out of my house. I love her, and actually I am in love with her, but something happens to a woman who is successful with a successful wife.
I put the letter down and realize that this was no longer about me. Jyra has her own thing that she had to work out. I picked up the phone and called my lawyer and let her know that I was going through with the procedures of separation and full custody of our child.
She begins to be comfortable with her on a new level. A “too comfortable” type of level. It’s nice for Grace but dangerous for Jy because it leaves her body open to anything but the right thing.
It doesn’t help that she has just had their first child, so that is a guaranteed no for her to leave her and be with me. I mean, what do I possibly have to offer her besides a good screw every now and then, and maybe a little understanding? She feels that I should just be grateful that she “considers” time with me as opposed to someone with what she likes to explain as “a little more credibility”.
Whatever to that and whatever to all the chaos her life seems to always have. By the way, whatever to the f-ing drama she thought was ok, to bring to mine. I don’t know about Jyra, but I do know that as I sit here now and watch her pick up my stack of bills that have to be paid by next Friday, that I got it made. She makes certain that I am taken care of. One, 2-hour screws is equivalent to 5 paid bills without question. Why would I ever give her up? I can answer that myself, I won’t…not ever….Unless I have to…Especially not to Gracie. I am like a storm that has came through her life, quietly, swiftly. And as long as Grace keeps leaving cracks for me to enter in, I will, and I refuse to stop, and dare for anyone to stop me.
I never went back to Jyra, and after a bitter separation and custody battle I finally found love within myself. But forever, I continue to listen for the quiet storms.
Copyright © 2007. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.