This is in response to A Breakdown of Sorts
by
Coydelight
February 21, 2001
2:10 AM
Dearest Fran,
_____The arrival of your letter mixed in with bills and magazines the day after my uneventful Valentine's confirmed everything that I was hoping to be true. It was strange because that very afternoon and at that very moment it was like I had felt you somewhere in my vicinity. All of a sudden my body was sensitive to everything, like Moe's fingers as he massaged my scalp, or his not so accidental touches on my neck over and over again. But I figured I was just exaggerating your power and it was all just wishful thinking because you were probably still pissed about things and my letter hadn't done anything to help it. I'd never been so glad to be wrong.
_____I leaned against the kitchen counter with your letter in my hands and when I thought of what you were doing to yourself in that car not one hundred feet away from me, the pretty pink pages that were decorated with your wild, curvy handwriting almost slipped from my hands. I began to desperately wish that at that very moment I had turned my head the slightest bit to catch you in the act. Had I just thought to take a glance out the window now and then, I would have seen you with your head thrown back while you ran your tongue seductively across your lips and you rubbed yourself to satisfaction. I would have seen your eyes roaming from my breasts spilling over my sexy top to my smooth legs and manicured toes revealed in my black high-heeled sandals. But, oh, I would not have let you know I was watching. I would have been sneaky just like you, and that black micro mini I was sporting that day, oh, I would have continued to cross and uncross my legs until you couldn't stand it anymore. I would have lifted my hands way over my head, letting my top slip just above the waist of my skirt revealing my toned midriff and belly ring. Then, just when you had thought I would walk over to my truck, get in and drive myself home, I would walk directly over to you sitting in your little red Miata because I know you would have been too stunned and too spent to hurry and move and I would ask you if you had enjoyed the show.
_____But of course, that day had come and gone and I had missed my chance at my one big show so I excitedly snatched up the phone when it began ringing just seconds after I inhaled the last of your beautiful words and I stood there and listened without saying hello or what do you want because I knew it was you. Your phone call came as if you had been timing just when I would be standing there breathlessly reading, smiling, fantasizing, then reading again the letter that I had kept in my pocket since it arrived in the mail that day and that I had slept with it held tightly in my hand that night. And it was that song, distant but distinct, that you promised would be playing when you dialed my number that day. It did to me just what you said it would do and I couldn't get up those stairs fast enough to see if I ever did pick up my tight, tiny red dress from the cleaners. I knew it should have been right where it had been collecting dust since I wore it last (I do believe it was our last meeting in the park beneath our favorite tree) and Bingo! It was there way in the back with all of my other favorite things like your picture and your panties that I slipped in my purse one night and told you I had looked all over my car and couldn't find them. It hung there as if waiting to be slipped in and then out of, and after I snatched it down and grabbed my cherry sandals from their box, I dashed and re-shaved my legs, and underarms and struggled with my two hand mirrors to make sure that my hair was extra sharp and just before my man crew got home I proceeded to walk around the empty house practicing my best, "Hello, this is Patricia and I'm not feeling well; I don't believe I'll be making it in," voice.
_____So, the next morning I was more than ready. I called in to work while Gary was in the shower and I laid out my navy suit and matching pumps as if this day were business as usual. But acting all laid back and nonchalant is not an easy thing when every part of me was aching to be watched, touched, and caressed by you. I was careful to act like it was just any other day and see the boys off to school and make sure my loving husband had his keys, briefcase, lunch and anything else he needed to get the hell out of my hair. In an overnight bag in the back of the Trooper lay my little red dress and my shoes that I would pull over and slip into before I made it over to you. I called you to get the final okay-because you know I don't be showing up nowhere unannounced- and you told me to come on over because all your neighbors had left for work and we could just get up in there and make all the noise we wanted.
_____I know I vowed to be rational about the thing this time and not let my want be stronger than my reason and all that, but rationality was the last thing on my mind when I began my little trek over to your place early that morning. I was slipping through red lights and rounding curbs like a wild woman because I knew not even the cops would catch me I was so high off of anticipation. And as I turned the radio to this new hip hop station and turned the dial as far up as it would go, I started shaking and moving my ass to the rhythm and I was feeling just as young and fine as those little hoochies on the videos. That's just how you had me going, see, and I was thinking of all these kinky new ways I wanted to love you, like tasting the in and out of you while practicing one of my old gymnastics moves or softly tugging your hair while I gyrated my hips on your pretty face. Damn, it would be sweet. I took a sip or two of the vodka I had pushed down in my purse while I waited for the light to turn green. It only calmed me a little.
_____Once I got there and you pulled the door open and stepped aside like I was the cleaning woman, I had to fight to keep my cool and remember that this was the sort of game you liked to play. You were standing still moist with perspiration from your early morning workout and it was almost convincing that you didn't make any effort at all to prepare for my arrival. You led me by the tips of my fingers to your bedroom, which was in the back and in a corner of the apartment, and oh, it looked just like you. There were all sorts of deep purples and cobalt and navy and was it giving off this ultra sexy vibe, or was I just that horny? I felt my wetness beginning to escape and stream down my thighs and we hadn't even said hello. You sat down on the high, queen-sized bed like it didn't matter if I joined you, so I didn't. I stood there in your window with your violet curtains pulled back pretending that I didn't see you watching me from the corner of your eye.
_____I could smell that the carpet was freshly vacuumed and that you had just stripped the bed and sprinkled scented powder on the fresh sheets. And that little bottle of perfume on your dresser, I knew it was brand new and had just been opened and it wasn't coincidence that it was Escape, my favorite kind and it was smeared all over you from your sensually revealed neck to your exposed thighs and knees. I inhaled you and gave you no reaction while I leaned all the way over to unbuckle my sandals and show you that I had somehow left my panties at home and then I turned and kissed you hello because I knew that you had come to stand behind me and the excited sweetness of your lips gave you completely away.
_____ Standing so close to me with your hair up in that high swoop of a sandy brown ponytail, and wearing your oversized t shirt and short, stretchy shorts, you looked just like you did years ago when we would sit in your room all day listening to 45's and talking about boys. Right then I wanted to talk about you and I in the here and now, though, like how my hands missed your back and my lips missed your forehead, nose and lips. Your kiss and the stroke of your palm on my breasts told me that you missed me, too.
_____ You rested both your hands on my thighs and let them linger near m center. You played with the satin lining of my dress with one hand while struggling with zipper with the other. My body was speaking words that couldn't escape my lips as I slipped out of my attire and helped you out of your workout gear and the bed broke our fall onto each other. You tasted my tongue as if you were trying to distinguish the flavors and I happily gave you a sample of each one. In the mirror on your headboard I admired us as I crawled on top of you, taking one hard nipple into my mouth and pinching the other between my fingers. You sighed. I sucked. You slipped your finger inside me.
_____ When your phone rang I stiffened partly because I was in a groove and I really didn't want to loose it to some telemarketer or your mother or your brother. You seemed hesitant to answer, but you said it may be one of your models so I loosened the grip I had on your wrist and let you answer it.
_____Your tone changed from sharp to soft in an instant. You laughed. You closed your eyes and playfully twisted your hair around your thin fingers that were still moist and covered with my scent. You called her baby.
_____I removed my hands from your warm hips and let my head fall onto the big pile of pillows waiting for the conversation to end so I could ask you about it, but what would I say, and did I even have the right?
_____ You placed the phone back in its cradle and lay down beside me. You rested your head on my naked chest. You planted kisses up and down my body as lovingly as you knew how, but I was still. I had lost my appetite-so to speak-and I turned my back on you so that you wouldn't see the tears and disappointment in my face although I know you would have done anything to take it away. And when you did grab me by the shoulders and turned me to face you, it was pain you saw in my eyes, Fran. It was I silently wondering if I deserved to feel that hurt because I was a married woman with three kids and I could only offer you bits and pieces of my time.
_____I don't know what made me think you had just been waiting on me to make up my mind about things, that you wouldn't go out there and find someone to fill your empty nights, someone to make you feel better after what went down. But I was naïve and I foolishly thought that when we finally came together it would be only me in your eyes but when I looked at you that day, Fran, it seemed I wasn't there anymore and I wondered what could have changed us that much.
_____But I smiled and was silent while you spoke to me softly and laughed and about how sneaky it was of me to take this trip when I was supposed to be at the office doing my end of the month catch up thing. I told you it could wait and then I wondered if you had made plans to see her after I had gone home to my family and resumed the role of wife and mother. The though of what could be happening here later in this very same bed made me suddenly ill and that is why I left. That is why I dressed in silence and walked out the door without even kissing you goodbye.
_____ I have to know, Fran, will it always be this complicated and am I as strong as you when it comes to being the other woman?
____________________On the outside looking in,
____________________Patricia
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