by
Glitter

_____You know when you have your birthday party, and you're surrounded by all your family, friends, people who crashed the party just for the food and drink, and you're faced with this cake and all these blazing candles, and everyone says, "Make a wish"? You never think of them coming true, right? But then again, it wasn't my birthday, or my party, or even my wish, but it still changed my life completely.

_____It was my best friend's birthday party. Samara was finally turning twenty-one, and we were planning a hell of a party. We were having the party at my apartment since my roommate would be away for the weekend, and I had hired a male stripper, bought bottles, upon bottles of alcohol, and invited our current friends plus friends from high school that we hung out with every now and then. My place wasn't huge, but it could hold the amount of people I was expecting...probably not comfortably, but hey, that's what floors were for.

_____When Saturday finally arrived, I jumped out of bed at 9am, and began the cleaning process. By the time I was done, it was noon, and I still had to go shopping. The night before I had gone to the liquor store and felt like I bought half the store out. But it was worth it. You can't celebrate your twenty-first birthday and not get totally drunk out of your mind. You gotta stick with tradition. But today, I had to get the food, supplies, and still had to pick up one of Sam's gifts.

_____It was a good thing that I was planning her birthday party. If I left it up to Sam like she wanted, she'd just break out a few cases of beer, order some pizza, and call it a night. She just wasn't the type to sit down and plan things out, like I was. Sam would rather someone else plan things or she'd just slap shit together ghetto-style. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against doing shit like that, but I wanted her party to be extra special. Come on, she was my best friend; of course I'd want it to be perfect.

_____It must have been about 2pm when I got the call on my cell. I had just left the supermarket, and was driving towards the mall so I could pick up this new outfit I had seen the week earlier. The party was strictly casual, but I, of course, wanted to look amazing. I was deep in thought on getting to the mall in time when my phone rang.

_____"Hello?"

_____"Lari?"

_____"Speaking." I turned down the stereo. "Who's this?"

_____"It's Malcolm."

_____Get the fuck out of here. "Malcolm? Oh shit, long time no see, honey." Why do women lie their asses off? I was lighting a cigarette while I was making angry faces at my phone. I hated him, literally. Malcolm was Sam's ex-boyfriend. They told everyone it was a mutual breakup, but I knew better.

_____And talking to him was the last thing I wanted to do willingly. "What's up?" "You tell me, girl. I come back, and shit's all different. You moved out of your mom's crib, Samara's gone too."

_____You're kidding, right? "Well, we couldn't stay home forever, you know."

_____"True, true."

_____"When did you get back?"

_____"Last night actually. The reason I called is that I need your help. I want to see Samara."

_____"You're kidding."

_____"Why would I be?"

_____"Um, I dunno. Maybe because you broke up with the girl? You dumped her in the harshest way..."

_____"We both decided to end the relationship..."

_____"Come off it, Malcolm, I know everything."

_____Silence.

_____"Cell phone companies charge extra for daytime minutes, Malcolm." I said urging him to speak.

_____"Ok, ok, ok. Just hear me out. I came all the way back cuz I want to get back with her, ok? She's the best thing that ever happened to me, I know it took some time, but I realized how stupid I was."

_____"It's been four years."

_____"Just give me a chance ok? I just want to be able to see her. And I know you, you're doing something for her birthday."

_____On one hand, I could go with my instincts and just kill this conversation. On the other hand, I could be the nice one and just give him all the leeway he wanted and just let Sam handle it like the big girl she was. Hmm...decisions, decisions, decisions. Too many hands.

_____"Lari?"

_____"Fine, fine, fine. I'm telling you right now, you're stupid for even thinking this could actually work in your favour. But fine."

_____So, I gave him my address and told him to be there about 10ish. That would give everyone about two hours to chill and have fun, and then he'd have to walk up in the middle of all that, and face the music. To believe the nerve of him, to think she might even take him back. But then again, he was the only man in her life, who knows. But their breakup had totally stunned her, I knew that. She had liked him totally because they were good friends first, and she trusted him. But he wanted a more feminine girlfriend, which Sam was not. Total tomboy. I've known Sam since kindergarten and I have seen the girl wear a dress only once. Yes, I'm serious. And that was to her grandmother's wedding when we were twelve. Sam just wasn't the type to dress like that. She always said that wearing a dress would seriously fuck-up her tackling skills. Sam was in love with football. She dreamed about being a defense linebacker. If football were a person, she'd stalk it and find a way to marry it if she could. She breathed, lived, slept, ate, and thought only football. She's been this way ever since her father took her to a Patriots game when she was four years old. Mr. Brockton said that she stood up during half-time and announced, "I'm gonna be just like them, Daddy, but better." She still blushes when she hears that story.

_____But anyways. Sam just wasn't like the other girls on the block. She liked roughhousing when the rest of us were playing with our dolls. She'd spend her time playing dominos with her father and his friends when my mother taught me to cook. Anything that seemed "girlie" to her, just turned her off, and that especially went for clothes. Shorts, jeans, t-shirts, and she was set. And in a way, I think her father saw it as a silent blessing. He didn't have to worry about going into the girls' section of the department store, because whenever he tried the few times, Sam would steer him towards the boys'. I remember one time, when we were nine; he came home and surprised her with a red sweater that had those trendy fuzzies that all girls' sweaters had back then. She had a conniption fit. She wouldn't even take it out of the bag. He took it out and held it up to her and even stated that there weren't even flowers on it. She just told him she'd throw it away if he couldn't please take it back. Mr. Brockton never tried it again. She was a born tomboy, and we all just accepted that.

_____Ok, so Malcolm. We met him during freshmen year of high school, and we all immediately hit it off. He was into football heavily as well, so he and Sam got along great, always hitting up the field, playing just about every day. I'd come along to be spectator and cheerleader. I knew football inside and out just from being on the sidelines for so many damn years. At first, Malcolm gave Sam a hard time when he found out she was into sports-especially when he found out she loved to actually play them. But after he and his friends gave in and let her play and saw how good she was, he let up on her. Or it could have been how she knocked one of their players out cold during a tackle. To this day, the guy still insists that he felt sick that day and just passed out.

_____But back on Malcolm and Sam. Once he got over his male ego thing, they became close friends. Sometimes hanging with them got to be a little boring, because all they wanted to do was watch football games, talk about plays, coach each other, etc. Don't get me wrong, they weren't totally obsessed, we'd do a bunch of other things together as well--thank the gods--but football was such a passion with those two, that it did become a somewhat centre of our lives. When their relationship became official in the middle of freshmen year, everyone just said they were the perfect couple. Come on, how lucky could you get, both are so similar and so passionate about the same things, and they were so close. They were the dream couple, for real. Being the third-wheel during that time did get on my nerves, and it kinda forced me to start dating myself, even though I really didn't want to. I couldn't find anyone that was as interesting or fun to be with like Sam. In truth, I really didn't want to hang out with anyone one else. Spending my free time with Sam, even if it meant talking about sports all day, was just what I'd rather do. But I basically didn't have a choice, if I didn't want to be a pain in their ass when they needed alone time. I was outgoing, kinda wild, and definitely flirtatious. Not that I was trying to be, it was just who I was. So, I was soon seeing different guys just to hang out with, but I only had one serious boyfriend my entire time, but I wasn't really crazy about it, so just plain dating was more my style instead of serious relationships. Even though nothing was going on but hanging out and stuff, it still caused me to earn the nickname Boy Crazy Lari. Oh yeah. The kids at school were creative.

_____So the breakup. After graduation, Malcolm got accepted to Duke, and since there were no colleges with women's football, Sam decided to stay local. But you could see how crushed she was as Malcolm was waving around his acceptance letter and shit. And when August came, she was even more and more down, and everyone assumed that it was because Malcolm was leaving. I mean, they had been together for almost three years, and were so close, it was understandable that she'd be so upset over him being so far away. It was during his going away party that everything came to a head. I was in the living room with everyone else, laughing up a storm, when I noticed that Malcolm and Sam were gone. Thinking they were probably making out or something, I went looking for them to bust them as a joke. But when I found them in his room, it was the total opposite.

_____I stood in the hallway, a few feet from the door, ready to pounce on them when I heard, "You can't fucking be serious."

_____That was Malcolm.

_____"What?" Sam.

_____"You're telling me the reason you've been in such a funky mood is because you can't play."

_____"You act like you're surprised."

_____"Hell fucking yeah, I'm surprised. I thought you were upset cuz I'm going away."

_____"I didn't say that I'm not gonna miss you, Mal. I am. You're one of my closest friends in the world. But yeah, I'm upset cuz I can't have the same opportunity like you."

_____"Closest friend? I'm your fucking boyfriend, Samara, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

_____"Yes, it means something to me, what do you mean?"

_____"You're more upset over not playing football instead of not seeing me, that's what I mean. It's like you hardly care that you're not gonna see me until Thanksgiving."

_____"What do you want me to do, Mal? Cry? Lose sleep over it? You're going to college, of course I'm gonna miss you, but it's not the end of the world. You'll be back."

_____Silence.

_____I was trying to hold my breath, cuz I could feel that shit was going to get worse.

_____"Fuck you, Samara. I don't even know why you even bothered to date me. It's not like you treat me like your boyfriend or anything. I may as well be Lari."

_____"That's a fucked up thing to say."

_____"It's fucking true! Come on, let's be real. The entire time we've been together you won't even let me hit that." "Excuse me for wanting to wait! I'm not sorry for not being one of those chicks that be falling all over you all the time, waving their pussies in your face-and don't act like it don't happen, cuz I hear about it all the time. No, I'm not ready to be having sex, and that's my business. You knew about all that from when we first started dating."

_____"A man has needs, Samara."

_____"If your needs are that big, why are you with me then?"

_____"I'm beginning to wonder the same thing."

_____Shit, that was a smack in the face if I ever heard one.

_____"Fuck you, Mal."

_____"No, you won't, remember?"

_____"Real, mature, Mal, real mature."

_____"I don't know why I even bother with you, Samara. It's not like we're really a couple anyway. You make me feel like shit when I want to get close to you."

_____"How?"

_____"Pushing me away all the time, that whole 'nothing below the waist' bullshit. You make it seem like just giving me a kiss is a fucking chore. I don't think you got any sexuality at all."

_____Now, that made me want to kick him myself.

_____"You act like a fucking dude, Samara." He continued. "How the fuck do you expect to have a boyfriend if you can't even turn your fucking man on? Wear a dress, do your hair, put on some make-up. You're a woman, don't you realize that? You can't spend your life playing football; so get the fuck over it." I heard something move. "Fuck this, Samara, it's over. I can't put up with this tomboy bullshit of yours anymore. It was cute when we were kids, but we're grown now. I want a girlfriend. If I wanted to date a dude, I'd be gay, ok?"

_____I heard movement against the door and I quickly moved down the hallway and back to the living room, feeling the fire in my gut over the hatred I was feeling for him. Three minutes later, Sam came down, wearing her cap down low, and sunglasses, but I could still see a tear run down her cheek before she brushed it away. She just whispered in my ear that she wanted to go home ASAP. I agreed and we bid goodbye to everyone and left. I figured it was none of my business to tell her I knew, and to this day, we never spoke of what happened. She didn't want to go home, so she crashed at my house that night, and we shared my twin bed. That night, I lay in my bed, while Sam lay behind me and she hugged me to her and buried her face in my hair. She wouldn't really cry, not her style, but this was her way of breaking. So, we lay like that, spoon-like, until we fell asleep. That was the start of our sleeping ritual. Whenever one of us had a hard day, or just needed some comfort, we'd spend the night together, and sleep like that. She told me the next day that they had a long talk and decided to break up because they were moving in different directions. Part of me wanted to call her out, but I just kept it to myself. But I knew what had happened. And the last thing I wanted to do was have him hurt her again. Why the hell would he want to see her? *** *** *** ***

_____Eight o'clock. I was just finished laying out all the party food when the doorbell rang. I rushed to the full-length mirror to check on how I looked. That new outfit I got was bombin' for real. Suck-on-your-flesh tight, hip-hugging jeans, with silver cording on the seams, and a silver halter top, that left me completely bare in the back, held together only by two ties in the back, and silver heeled boots. I had been working out lately and lost some weight, so I proud as fuck to be wearing something so daring, especially since I had pierced my navel recently and I could show it off. I was no way thin; I'd always have a voluptuous body-you couldn't have tits and ass like I did and have it go away easily.

_____I was satisfied with how I looked and ran to the front door. Of course, it was Sam. I gave her a big hug.

_____"Happy birthday, girl!" I cried.

_____"I know, I know." She hugged me back and stepped in. She gave me a once-over. "Are we going to a club or something?"

_____"Funny." I flipped her the finger. "I wanted to look nice for your party, is that so bad? Maybe it is, compared to you."

_____"What's wrong with how I look?" She asked, looking down at her outfit. New Polo jeans, a white t-shirt, and a denim vest, with all-white Nikes, the only brand she'd wear.

_____"Like you're here to just chill." I said.

_____"I am." She looked confused.

_____"It's your birthday party." I replied. "See, you're lucky I prepare for shit like this. Go in my room, your gifts are on my bed."

_____She just rolled her eyes and walked down the hall. I smiled to myself knowing she'd love what I got her, then went back to finishing up.

_____About fifteen minutes later, she came back, with the biggest smile on her face. I had gotten her an entire outfit. Black jeans that faded to red at the bottom, black vest, with black and red fatigue wife-beater, and black Tims.

_____"Lari, you're unbelievable, for real." She pulled me into this big, bear hug that practically lifted me off my feet. Sam was a big girl. Not fat or very muscled, but just a big girl. Big-boned, well-toned all over, standing at 5'10". She had arms and calves that made some guys cry wishing theirs were so defined. I was thinking back on the conversation she had with Malcolm, as I was looking at her. I thought she was perfect the way she was. Sam was beautiful, she really was. Pretty face, everyone said so. She had thick, shoulder-length hair that she kept in cornrows. But I think her best feature was her eyes. She had really light brown eyes that seem to pierce you when you looked into them. One time Malcolm had said that her greatest move was staring a guy right in the eye before she tackled him. It always threw them off because she had such a determined, I'm-gonna-kick-your-ass-so-hard look. I saw that look whenever she was mad, and shit, it made me nervous too.

_____But now those eyes were bright and smiling when I returned her hug with a kiss on the cheek. "I'm glad you like it, girl."

_____Doorbell. I flashed her a smile and made sure my hair was still in its tight ponytail and went to answer the door. I didn't get to see Sam again until almost 9pm, when everyone had arrived and was chillin' and talking and having a good time. But that was when the stripper had arrived. All the women had gathered around him, while the guys rolled their eyes. His name was Rocky Road (don't ask, cuz I did, and I wasn't impressed with the answer). Chocolate skin, black eyes, over six feet tall for sure, and great smile with suck-on-me type lips. The guy was impressive, but not really my type. I wasn't all for the over-muscled guys, but he had the girls screaming, money was flying, and a couple of the girls were getting really raunchy by trying to dance with him, making the rest of us laugh. I had already warned him that Sam wasn't going to go for the lap dance, because it wasn't her thing, but when he tried to grind up on her anyways, she just laughed and pushed him away, pointing to one of the other girls in the room. During his whole routine, I would look at her to check if she was enjoying it, but she looked bored. I was half glad when he was ready to go because I wanted that smile on her face again. By the time I was ready to get her cake, I wanted to sit down so bad. I had long ago kicked off my boots somewhere, and was walking around barefoot. The kitchen door opened as I was adding some icing, and it was Carl, Sam's cousin.

_____"Girl, you outdid yourself again." He leaned against the wall. "I ain't never seen so many people at a party before."

_____"Sam's popular." I replied. Why is it that writing on a cake looks easier than it actually is?

_____"You really do take care of her, don't you?" Carl grinned. "Shit, I wish I had a girl who treated me as good as you treat Sam."

_____"It's easy. Just be friends with her." I teased.

_____He laughed. "I'm for real, yo. If my girlfriend was like you, damn, I'd be happy as shit."

_____I just rolled my eyes.

_____"You need help with anything?" I nodded, giving up, wondering if it really mattered that it said HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOM. I really sucked. "Can you carry the plates and stuff that's in that corner while I carry out the cake?" I was waiting for my cue. My brother Anthony was going to knock on the door twice then shut the lights off just in time for me to open the door and do the embarrassing song for Sam. Embarrassing for her, not me, but what has to be done, has to be done. It's tradition. When the knock came, I picked up the cake and with Carl following me, we entered the living room. The look on Sam's face was worth it. Mixed happiness and embarrassment. When everyone screamed for her to make a wish, she paused for a good moment, looked at me, then blew out her candles, getting all of them in one try. When she looked back up and I caught her eye, she just winked at me, which meant she was definitely having a good time, and I was satisfied. I swear nothing is more important to me than making that girl smile. We were the closest of friends. I've never met another set of friends who care for each other so much. And I really do care about her. Sometimes it's as if the sun rises and sets on Sam. I can't make any kind of decision without running it by her first, and she's always on the look out for me. Most girls who are best friends will make promises that they'll basically share their lives with each other, but as they grow up, they either grow apart, or their lives change. Not Sam and me. The only reason we lived apart now was because she lived on campus. But in three months, my roommate was moving out and Sam was moving in, and jokingly we said we'd live together forever. But I wouldn't doubt it if it came true. We just got along so damn well; it's a kind of shame to see someone else try to befriend us, we're just so into each other.

_____After all the singing and the hollering calmed down, we passed out all the cake, and I finally got a chance to sit down, thinking I'd get a piece later. But that meant I'd have to get milk from the fridge. I was picky like that. I found a spot on the sofa, and just sighed.

_____"There you are." Sam came over to where I was sitting and knelt before me, handing me a slice of cake and a glass of milk. She knew me way too well. "It's about time you're sitting down."

_____"I'm beat." I admitted. "Are you having a good time though?"

_____She nodded.

_____"Good. Hey, you were so into that birthday wish of yours, what was it?"

_____"Like I'm gonna tell you." She winked at me. "If I do, it won't come true."

_____I just laughed. "Alright, but when it does, you have to tell me what it was, ok?"

_____"Promise. And, Lari, the party is wonderful, the outfit is slamming, you are amazing, and I love you for all of this, for real."

_____"Love you too, sweetie." I leaned up to kiss her cheek, and she turned her face slightly and I ended up kissing her on the lips. I felt myself blush as I pulled away, but she just grinned.

_____"Sorry." I apologized.

_____"No sweat." She stood and walked away, and I saw her talking to some other girl.

_____I was getting used to the pace of things when I heard a knock at the door. I glanced at the clock. Shit.

_____As soon as the door opened and I saw him, I immediately wished I could kick myself. I totally forgot to tell Sam he was coming.

_____Malcolm walked into the room, and I had to admit, he did turn many heads. All the women who didn't know him were giving him approving looks, and even I had to admit he had grown up in the most positive way-physically, of course. He was all muscle, taller, and he still had that cute, dimpled smile all the girls in school used to go crazy over-just like the women at the party were doing now. All except Sam, that is. As soon as I saw him, my eyes went straight to where she was standing last, and I saw the girl say something to her and when Sam turned, her face fell. Big mistake. Should have just told him to fuck off myself.

_____I got to my feet and walked over to him. "You made it."

_____"You think I'd miss this?" He grinned. Cute dimples and assholes should never mix. "Where's the birthday girl?"

_____"Right here." Sam was right at my side.

_____His grin got even wider. "Damn, woman, you look good! Happy birthday." She forced a smile. "Can I see you in the hall, please?"

_____Now his face fell. "Why, what's up?"

_____She just walked past him. "Hall, please."

_____He reluctantly turned after her and walked out the front door.

_____I think I stood there for about a minute and a half, before my curiosity got too big and I had to follow them out to the hall. I found them near the stairwell, already in an argument.

_____"I didn't think it would be a big deal to come by and say happy birthday." He was saying.

_____"After our last conversation, I'm surprised you thought I wouldn't want to kick your ass if I saw you again."

_____"Sam." I walked up to them. "It's my fault, ok? He called and wanted to see you, and I forgot to tell you he was coming."

_____She didn't even look at me. "It doesn't matter what you said. He should have known better."

_____Malcolm sighed. "So we ended things badly. What, we can't be friends now?"

_____"After all that shit you said to me?" She asked. "Do you think I'm dumb or what?"

_____"There's a reason I came to see you, Samara."

_____"So tell me and leave." She said flatly.

_____"Shit, this is hard and you're not making this any easier." He gave me a nervous look. Clearly, my presence wasn't part of his plan for this. "I want you back."

_____Silence. I was ready for Sam to just scream at him, but instead she started to laugh. And I mean, really, really laugh. I half expected her to fall to the ground, she was laughing so hard.

_____"You're kidding, right?"

_____He winced as if she slapped him. "That's ill, Samara."

_____"You can't be serious. Shit, Mal, I'll give you props, you got some nerve saying that shit to my face."

_____He was clenching his hands at his side, occasionally glancing at me, and I could tell he definitely wanted me to leave. So sad for him, I wasn't going anywhere. "I was stupid back then ok? I'm willing to admit that. I didn't realize how lucky I was to have you, Samara. You are fine just the way you are. No other girl has ever meant so much to me like you have, and admit it, no other guy has either."

_____She nodded. "True, no other guy has."

_____What was she saying? Malcolm definitely wasn't all that for her to agree with him, but as I thought about that, I was trying to think of any guy Sam had dated after Mal, but I couldn't. She basically kept to herself after their breakup. Who else would she be talking about?

_____Her answer satisfied him. "So come on, Samara. Can we at least start off as friends again and see where it goes?"

_____She shook her head. "A lot of shit has changed since then, Mal. I'm not the same."

_____"I don't expect you to be." He replied. "I've changed a lot myself, for the better. We are way too alike to not try to make this work, girl. We are perfect together."

_____"Getting back with you is out of the question. I'm just not in the same place anymore."

_____"What does that mean, 'not in the same place?'"

_____I was wondering the same thing. As I was watching him, I realized how much I disliked him. I was upset he was trying to come back in her life. She was so much better off without him. And it had nothing to do with the fact that she spent almost all her free time with me. Or maybe it did, I don't know. But just the idea of her being with him made me upset. Mad even. I really didn't want Sam to start dating Malcolm again.

_____"Just that. My head's in a different place. There's no room for a man in my life now."

_____I was watching them both, but my eyes kept going back to her. If she started dating Malcolm again, I didn't know if I could even be around them. Just the idea of seeing them together made me sick to my stomach. And all I could do was think back to when they were together and just the memories made me upset. Sam could do way better than Malcolm and she knew that. She just needed someone who understood her, someone who'd care for her, love her, and support her. Someone who'd take care of her, look after her, make sure she takes her allergy medicine, that she keeps with whatever appointments she has but always seems to forget. Someone who knew that she liked hot sauce on basically everything. Someone who knew that when those few times when she felt insecure, she liked to curl up and hold you close and play with your fingers and have you play with hers, cuz for some reason it made her feel better. Someone who understood that she was independent, but needed to have her hand held sometimes. That she was hard and tough as shit, but could be the sweetest teddy bear in the world. Someone who didn't expect her to fit in some mold, or had to be a certain way.

_____Shit, she needed someone like me. If I were a dude, I'd so take care of her. I'd do all those things, be all those things. I'd make sure that every day she knew she was beautiful. I'd make sure everything else in her life was effortless so she could concentrate on her goals. I understood that she liked to "wear the pants", make the decisions for everything, but I'd support every choice she made and make sure everything followed through. If she had a man like me, she'd have nothing to worry about. She'd be loved, that's for sure.

_____I was staring at Malcolm, thinking of all this, and wondering if he could ever give that to her, but knowing he couldn't. It was time that Sam had that in her life. But as I thought of what kind of man could give all that to her, I couldn't. Or more precisely, I didn't want to. I couldn't see her with anyone. Not really. Not that she didn't deserve a decent, good, loving man in her life. It's just that, the idea of it didn't sit well with me. Just the idea of some guy being with her didn't sit well with me, even if he did treat her well. I didn't want someone else to do all those things for her. I already did all those things for her. That's what she had me for.

_____Let me just say that the fact that I was able to stand there silently, as they argued, while all this went through my head still amazes me. While they had their beef, I was having a major, major revelation. I was looking at Sam, and realizing that I was in love with her. Not just a best friend love, but the real thing. It's not that I didn't want Malcolm with her; I didn't want anyone with her, but me. I wanted to faint. I wanted to slap myself in the face. I wanted to do so much, but all I did was stand there, in complete shock.

_____Sam suddenly held up her hand, and Malcolm stopped talking. "This is getting us nowhere. I don't see where you're not following me, Malcolm."

_____"Samara..."

_____"And it's Sam, for God's sake." Sam's eyes were getting dark like they always do when she's about had it. "You've known me for seven years and you are the only fucking person who insists on calling me that, man. If you paid any kind of attention to me while we were dating, you'd know how much I hate being called that."

_____He took a step back. Score one for Sam.

_____"And I don't see why this is so hard for you, Malcolm. I don't want to be with you. If I had to have a man in my life, it would not be you. Do you understand me? You are the last person on earth I would ever be with."

_____He was now glaring at her, but he remained silent. Score two for Sam.

_____"Now, if for some reason, you still can't comprehend what I'm saying, how about this. I already have someone special in my life. The sun revolves around that person, ok? I would not leave that person for anything in the world, especially not you. This person understands me, treats me with respect, and doesn't need four years to be able to accept me the way I am. Now, is this at all making any sense to you?"

_____Score three! When I turned to look at him, I noticed he was glaring at me. "You know, I've had to put up with this shit for way too long. The rumours, all that shit. I guess now I know, huh?" He turned and started to go down the stairs, but then he stopped and looked back at us. "Fuck you both, ok?" Then he was gone.

_____It had just hit me what she said. She had someone in her life. Someone that meant something important to her. But who? I didn't know who the person was. How could she have not told me that she had a boyfriend, someone so special in her life? I knew she was telling the truth; she wasn't going to lie just to get back at Malcolm, that wasn't her style. So there was someone. But she hadn't bothered to tell me, and that hurt. But what hurt most was that I had realized I loved her, only to loose her in the next breath. I must have been staring after him, because I soon saw something fly by my face. When I focused, it was Sam's hand waving. I turned to look at her. I had never seen her so worried.

_____"Lari, you ok?"

_____I nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine." I'm in love with you, but I didn't know until now, and you don't know, and I'm so confused.

_____"You sure?" She was holding me by my shoulders, forcing me to meet her gaze.

_____"Yeah, I'm sure." I couldn't look her in the eye. Shit, something was wrong with me. "Let's get back before people start talking."

_____She gave me an unsure look, but let go of me so I could walk back to the apartment.

_____I don't know what happened for the rest of the night. I vaguely remember Sam making some crack about Malcolm and how she was so addictive, to lighten the mood, and the party going underway again. I know that I talked to people, and I remember dancing when they played the Electric Slide-EVERYONE dances when that song comes on, I don't care who you are. Everything went on without a hitch. The entire time, I was in a haze, trying to understand what had hit me in the hallway.

_____How on earth could I be in love with my best friend? She's a friggin woman for God's sake. Ok, not that it makes a big deal. There are women who do love women. Oh my God, did that mean I was a lesbian? A lesbian? Me? Boy Crazy Lari cannot be a lesbian. That just doesn't make sense.

_____But what makes sense, I wondered. It wasn't as if I was really Boy Crazy Lari. Who knew when was the last time I had a date. It never fazed me. I spent all my free time with Sam. That was just something I was used to. The last time I had a boyfriend was in high school, and that was just so I had things to do when Malcolm and Sam were together. To be honest, dating was never a big deal to me. Unlike Sam, I had slept with my boyfriend, but it was out of expectancy more than desire, I guess. It was just something that you did. In high school, everyone was dating; my best friend was dating, so of course, I dated too. But it wasn't like I really wanted to. Oh, God, why was it that I was having a life-altering moment in the middle of a party? Eventually the party started to wind down. As people started to leave, I glanced at the clock and was shocked that it was already past one in the morning. I jumped to my feet to get ready to start the clean up, but the place was already on its way. Sam was tossing things in a trash bag, while Carl was sweeping. "You finally came back, eh?" Carl laughed when he saw me move. I glanced at Sam, but she was still filling the bag. "What do you mean?" I asked. "You're back to reality. You just kinda zoned out for a bit." He turned to give daps to a group of guys that were heading out the door. "You must be beat, girl. Get your ass to bed. Sam and I will take care of the rest before we go." I looked at Sam, "You alright?" She just nodded. "Yeah. Listen to Carl, get to bed, I'll check in before I leave." She was acting so aloof with me. I wasn't sure what to do or say, so I just hugged Carl and walked to my room. Everything felt like it was totally going wrong. Malcolm came back to fuck with Sam's life, Sam was in a bad mood, and I think I'm gay and in love with my best friend, but she had someone new in her life. Wow, all in one night, I'm doing well. I stripped, slipping into one of my many silk nighties, and climbed into bed. I could hear Sam and Carl doing small talk as they finished cleaning, and all I could think of was how I was going to face Sam again? This definitely warranted for an ending of our friendship. How could she and I stay friends if I had feelings for her? That was too fucked up. I wouldn't be able to see her with anyone else without it hurting. But I loved her too much to not be able to see her. I was on my side, facing away from the door when it opened. I knew it was Sam by her walk. She closed the door softly and I heard her walk around the bed to where I was. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. I couldn't face her, not yet. But she just stood there watching me for a while. Then I heard her move, and I could hear her breathing was closer to my level. I then felt her lips on my forehead. "You just don't know." She whispered, and I felt her brush my hair out of my face. Then she moved away from me. I couldn't help myself. I opened my eyes but didn't move, "I just don't know what?" She stopped by the door, not moving for a second, then, "Nothing, it's been a long night." "Oh." "Mind if I crash? It's late, and I already sent Carl home." Oh, God, Sam, any night but tonight. "Yeah, sure." Of course, I couldn't say no to her. I cautiously watched as she started to undress. First taking off her few pieces of jewelry, then her clothes. Everything was new to me now. Before, when she'd get ready for bed, I'd look at her, and of course, admire her body, because I thought it was beautiful. Sometimes I'd want to touch her, just because of how special I found her. But I never thought about it before. But now I knew why. I was watching her undress, and as more and more of her body came into view, I felt myself wanting to see more. I was attracted to her. How could I have been attracted to her and not know? She changed into one of the many wife-beaters and boxers she had here. Yes, she had clothes at my place. At the time, it just made sense, since she was here so often. It had been that way since I was still living with my parents. Wherever I went, there had to be room for Sam, that's just how my life was. God, how could I have not seen it sooner? I felt her lift the blanket as she got into bed. She immediately shifted close behind me, wrapping her arm around my waist, and instinctively, I lifted my head so I could rest it on her arm, as I snuggled closer to her. I was going to fall asleep as usual-force myself actually. I was going to go to sleep, and not think of Sam sleeping beside me. I wasn't going to think of how comforting her arm felt around me, how secure I felt as soon as it was there. I wasn't going to think of how good her body felt against mine. Especially wasn't going to think of how I wanted to turn around and kiss her. And confess my feelings for her. Sleep, sleep, sleep. "Lari?" Ok, no sleep. "Yeah?" "We gotta talk." No, we don't. Everything's fine the way it is, don't talk, Sam. "About what?" "About what happened with Malcolm." Shit. "What do you mean?" "About what I said to him." Damn, damn, damn, she's gonna tell me about her new guy. Why now? "It's not really my business what you told him, Sam. I'm sorry he was there and got you upset." "No, actually I'm glad he came."

_____"Are you high?"

_____She chuckled. Damn, I loved her laugh. "No, I'm not high. I'm being for real. It was good that he came by."

_____"Why?"

_____"Because, it forced me to come clean about something that I've been holding back from you."

_____Oh, fuck, here it comes. What, was he tall and gorgeous, played football too? If he had dimples, I'd want to kick him in the balls, I swear. "What have you been holding back?"

_____"You know that person I was telling Malcolm about? The person that meant so much to me?"

_____"Yeah." I could feel myself practically cringe, afraid of the answer. What if it was one of the guys who she had invited to the party? I was probably chillin and talking with the enemy. I could feel tears brimming at the thought.

_____"I don't know how to say this, Lari, so I'm just gonna say it ok? Whatever you do, just hear me out before you start doing anything, ok?"

_____Now she was worrying me. But I still refused to turn around. I wasn't going to let her see me cry. "Yeah, sure."

_____She exhaled, before pulling me even closer to her. I felt her bury her face in my hair, and I could feel myself responding to her touch. I let my hand move and cover hers. This was really difficult for her.

_____"Sam, whatever it is, you can just tell me." I told her. "You know that no matter what, I'll always love you, girl."

_____"That's just it, Lari. I love you."

_____I smiled. "I know that, Silly."

_____"No, Lari, you don't get it." She laced her fingers through mine. "I love you, Lari. As in, I'm in love with you. When I was talking to Malcolm about that special person in my life, I was talking about you."

_____Silence. Oh yeah, total silence. I couldn't even hear myself breathe. Did she say what I thought she said? No, I had to have heard wrong. There was no way she was going to say that and it be true. I couldn't have been that lucky.

_____"Lari. Say something."

_____What could I say? For once in my life, I was totally speechless. I couldn't even pinpoint an emotion that I was feeling. Some mixture of happiness, relief, fear, and even more confusion.

_____Then I just broke down and cried.

_____She moved fast, getting to her knees and leaning over me. She forced me on my back and stared down at my face, complete worry on hers.

_____"Oh, shit, Lari, I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I can't help how I feel. I love you, ok? I've loved you since we were in the fifth grade. I tried. I really did try to stop it. I dated Malcolm so I could get over it, but I couldn't, and I can't." She took my hands in hers. "I've wanted to tell you this for such a long time. You mean everything to me, Lari. I can't imagine my life without you. No one knows me like you do. And no one will ever know you the way I do. You are my life, the reason I'm alive, the reason I breathe."

_____"Oh God." I said.

_____"Don't be mad at me, ok?" She said quickly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was gay. I wasn't sure how you'd handle it. Especially since we're so close and all, and I'd never make a move on you, you have to believe me. I'm not saying this so you'll accept it, or love me back, or anything like that. I just couldn't hold it in any longer."

_____I just stared at her. Never in my life had I seen her this vulnerable. And when I saw the tears start to roll down her cheeks, I started to cry harder.

_____"Dammit, I'm sorry Lari." She bent her head, resting it on my tummy, still holding my hands tightly. "If you want, I'll leave you alone, ok? The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. You have to believe that. I know this must be freaking you out, but say something, please."

_____"I hate you!" I screamed at her suddenly, making her jump, moving away from me. Silence. I think we were both shocked by my statement, although she was probably prepared for it on some level.

_____"I hate you for keeping this from me." I continued. "That you couldn't trust me-ME with this. I'm your best friend!"

_____"Lari, I know..."

_____"How can you say you love me if you don't trust me?" I asked. "Dammit, the only reason I haven't told you that I loved you yet is because I just found out. You've known for how long and you kept it from me? How could you?"

_____"I'm sorry, it's just that I wasn't sure how you'd take it, and..." She stopped, tilting her head to the side like she always did when she was confused. "What did you say?"

_____"I said, 'How can you say you love me...'"

_____"No, after that."

_____"'The only reason I haven't told you that I loved you is because I just found out.'" I repeated. There, it was out in the open.

_____She smiled. "You love me?"

_____I nodded.

_____"Love me, love me?"

_____I smiled. "In love with you, yes."

_____Her smile disappeared and she moved away from me. I watched her get to her feet and started pacing. "Lari, don't say that just to make me feel better, ok? I'd rather you just be honest and say you don't feel the same way, I'll understand."

_____"I love you, Sam."

_____She kept pacing, "Cuz this is heavy ok? I couldn't handle it if you were just humouring me. I care for you way too much, and this is a big deal to me."

_____"I love you, Sam."

_____"I'm serious, Lari. That shit ain't funny."

_____I was grinning through my tears as I got out of bed and walked over to her. I stood in front of her so she had to stop walking, and I reached up, taking her face in my hands. "I love you, Sam."

_____She just stared at me in silence for moment, then I saw more tears come. I pulled her face to mine and just kissed her. And as soon as our lips met, it was as if nature was finally coming together. I gently pressed my lips against hers, just relishing the feeling of how soft her lips were. But then I felt her hand at the back of my head, and she pressed her lips harder against mine, deepening the kiss.

_____I can't even imagine what it must have looked like, Sam and I both crying while we shared our first kiss. Not drastically romantic, but then, in a way, it was. Somehow, we managed to move to the bed, Sam sitting down, pulling me onto her lap. She pulled me close to her, her head resting against my chest. "God, Lari. I've waited so long to be able to kiss you." She wiped her face with the back of her hand. "But nothing could have prepared me for what it would feel like."

_____I just smiled at her.

_____She took my head in her hands, and kissed me again. This time she eased me down so that I was lying on the bed, and she moved over me.

_____"There has been so many times that I wanted to tell you how beautiful you are." She told me, as she caressed my face. "You have no idea how often I had to stop myself from kissing you, or just touching your face, or telling you how much you mean to me."

_____I reached up and touched her cheek. "I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't tell me sooner. But I do understand."

_____"But I don't get it, Lari. How long have you felt this way about me?"

_____"For a long time, I just didn't realize it till today when I saw you and Malcolm together."

_____"For the first time that boy was actually useful." She laughed. But she soon got serious again as she searched my eyes. I suddenly felt a tingle between my thighs, and it took me by surprise. I was soon conscious of her body on top of me, and how she was straddling my legs. Our eyes met, and I could tell we were thinking the same thing.

_____"Lari...?"

_____"Yes." I answered.

_____ "I can't believe this is actually happening." She said softly before she lowered her head and kissed me again. Definitely a different kiss. A totally different kiss. This time she was kissing me more urgently, pushing her tongue in my mouth, and I instinctively sucked it in deeper. She moaned, lifting her body off me, nudging my legs apart with her knee. The hem of my nightie was forced up to my hips, and since I wore no panties to bed, I was completely naked from the waist down. So when my legs parted and she lay between them, I could feel the silk of her boxers against me, and I moaned.

_____Sam pulled her lips away, and I felt her lips on the base of my neck. It felt so good, one my hands found its way to the back of her head, keeping her lips to me. She responded by grinding her hips against me, and the material of her boxers kept rubbing against my pussy, making my hips lift off the bed, grinding back into her. All this was so new to me, I was used to just laying back while whoever did what they want, but this time my body was actually responding to every touch, and I wanted to touch back.

_____ It was like we were fighting each other, I swear, when we started pulling each other's clothes off with, tossing them aside. But I'll never forget how she looked, kneeling over me, completely naked. My eyes completely drank her in, and all I could think was how beautiful she was, how I wanted to savor every single inch of her, and how I was so happy she was with me at that moment. I watched her lower her head to my breast, and as soon as I felt her lips on my nipple, I groaned. She was teasing my nipple, holding it between her teeth, while she flicked the tip with her tongue. I felt one of her hands reach between our bodies, and her fingers were playing with my pubic hair. It was like my pussy had a mind of its own, cuz my hips were lifting towards her hand. She lifted her head, and winked at me, before kissing down my tummy.

_____Oh, God, she's gonna do it, I thought. Strangely enough, I had never let a guy do that. For some reason, I just never wanted them to, cuz it just didn't seem right. But now all I wanted was to feel Sam's lips there. As she moved, down, I spread my legs wider.

_____"You sure?" She asked

_____I nodded.

_____I closed my eyes tightly, not sure of what to expect. I felt her lips first kiss my pussy lips gently, before they trailed lower, and I felt her kiss each lip separately. Then she started teasing me, giving my lips a little lick, but then go back to the gentle kissing. She kept that up for a moment, and soon I was literally writhing on the bed.

_____"Sam." I was pleading.

_____"Shhh." She reached up, placing a finger against my lips, her eyes meeting mine. "I've waited too long for this, just enjoy it, hon."

_____I smiled, lying back. The next thing I felt was Sam giving my pussy slow, long licks that sent chills up my spine. My hips moved upwards, but she held onto them, holding them still, and I felt her tongue suddenly slide into me. I never realized just how long her tongue was, but damn, I felt it inside me, and my body totally responded. It had been way too long since I had been with anyone, and as soon as she slid a finger inside me, I could feel my orgasm start.

_____Why so fast, why so fast? "Sam, it's gonna come." I warned her.

_____She ignored me, but just licked me faster, and started pumping her hand. I had to grab my pillow and cover my face or my entire building would have heard me scream out her name-although I have to admit, Sam probably would have liked that.

_____But as my body started to calm down, I felt her hand start to slide in and out of me again.

_____"Again?" I said trying to catch my breath.

_____"Girl, we got the whole night." She winked and dipped her head between my legs again.

_____And don't you know we did. All damn night. It must have been almost five in the morning when we finally curled up together and fell sleep. But as we fell asleep, I knew this was definitely a difference. Falling asleep with the person you love after you make love is a feeling like no other.

_____As we fell asleep, I felt her lips against my ear, "My wish came true."

_____I just smiled to myself before I fell asleep.

_____So, you're wondering what happened, huh? Well, Sam eventually did move in with me, sooner than we expected. But it was something we both really wanted. Of course, since my roommate was still living with me, people soon figured out what was up with us, but surprisingly, we got no bullshit. It turned out that most of our friends thought we were a couple already, but just didn't say anything.

_____Go figure.

_____But that's what Malcolm meant when he was talking about the rumours being true. As it turned out, people had been assuming we were together ever since high school. Talk about a trip. It was like everyone was seeing something that we weren't, or to be more precise, something I wasn't seeing. Because Sam had heard rumours quite a few times, and had did her best to correct them, but nothing could help how close we were, and people were still gonna talk.

_____But in the end, we basically didn't care. If people accepted us, cool, if they didn't it didn't matter. I'm in love, she's my best friend, and that's all that matters. Nothing else does.

THE END

Copyright © 2001. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.

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