Dedicated to T.J.
My First Love
“Just the way I like you—gasping for breath,” the husky voice murmured into my ear.
I laughed, allowing my girlfriend‘s sensual voice to caress my ears through the telephone receiver and distract my mind from its chaotic day. Moments before, I had frantically raced through the darkroom, searching out the shrill sounding phone. I had prayed that it wasn’t my boss, calling AGAIN to complain about the selection of photograph’s I had chosen for this month’s magazine spread.
I plopped down on the darkroom’s single stool and realized it was the first time I had sat all day. I kicked off my shoes and wiggled my toes. Freedom, they cried. I began massaging my left foot, attempting to ease the pain. “Hey, boo.” I couldn’t stop myself from smiling into the phone. “I sure could use your magical fingers right now. My feet are killing me.”
“Hmmm, maybe tonight my mouth could ease the tension from them. That always seems to work.”
I silently groaned at the thought of my girlfriend, Christle, sucking my toes. I could feel the heat moving up my body and finally settling in my cheeks. I envisioned my tired body lying naked on my mahogany leather couch. Chris would kneel beside the couch and while murmuring endearments, she’d seductively caress my inner thigh. Her hands would then therapeutically move down the entire length of my leg, working the tightness from it.
Once she sensed that my mind was totally hers, she would bend her head and began placing soft kisses around my ankle. Her tongue would leave a wet trail on top of my foot as she worked down towards my scarlet painted toes. Once she reached her destination, her tongue would move slowly between each toe—teasing—increasing my need for release. She would then begin with my baby toe and wrap her tongue around it, pulling it into her mouth. By the time she had reached my biggest toe, my body was tight once again, on the brink of orgasm. She would take the toe deeper into her mouth and then move her right hand quickly up between my thighs. As her mouth worshipped my toe, she would slip two fingers deep inside of me, while allowing her thumb to position itself on my clit. Rhythmically, her tongue and fingers would—
“Jae!” Chris broke my thoughts. “Damn, woman. You should have told me to call back if you were gonna ignore me.”
“What? Huh,” I questioned, trying to clear my mind. “Boo, I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“I asked how’s your day been.”
I ran my fingers through my shoulder length hair and began thinking about the day that I had had so far, as well as what still needed to be accomplished. It wasn’t long before my arousal was a thought of the past. “Babe, my day’s been a bitch and so has my boss. She’s gotten on my last nerve today and has already started working on the nerves for tomorrow. She needs a good fuck or something. Then maybe her ass wouldn’t be wound so tight.”
I heard Chris’s husky laugh and I began to laugh as well. Her laugh always made me smile because it was such a rich and vibrant sound. “What’d she do today,” she asked.
“She’s found something wrong with every one of my photographs. One minute, she’s telling me to find a new angle. Be more sympathetic to my subjects. Capture their souls. Expose their weaknesses. Then, it’s no, no, no—capture more depth. Be more aggressive. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah is all I finally hear, ” I said laughing. “I just wish she would make up her mind, Chris. If she keeps nagging me, I’m gonna aggressively angle my camera up her tight ass.”
“Hmmmmm,” my girlfriend laughed. “Ya know, since you mentioned ass, it has been a long time since I’ve even had the opportunity to see your sexy ass, let alone push something up it.” Chris said, her voice lowering a notch.
I laughed listening to the horniness in her voice. I knew what she was feeling—she missed and needed more of my attention. I couldn’t help imagining myself straddling her hips, looking into her sexy, hazel eyes, while my fingers massaged her scalp. It’s how we relaxed and connected with one another after a long week. Her tongue would trail kisses down my neck, while her fingers traced a path down my spine.
Damn, her, I thought. Just the picture of her made me moan. While some women were addicted to shopping, others addicted to chocolate, and some even addicted to power, I was addicted to her. Mrs. Christle Brown. It wasn’t the sex that kept me longing for her, aching for her, needing to feel her closeness. It was her. Plain and simple, everything about her made me love her. Her kind and gentle nature, her nonchalant “fuck the drama” attitude, and her sense of humor, were only some of her qualities that made me love her. She was my sexy teddy bear, who showered me with affection and love. She was my boo bear, so loving, kind, and patient. I was lucky to have her and even though it was wrong, I loved her and couldn’t live without her. But damn, I sure did try.
“Ja’Nae,” My name was a caress on her lips. “I need you. Don’t work late tonight.”
I ran my fingers through my soft curls once again and mumbled, “Baby, you know
how close it is to deadline. I have to work late.” Silence from her end. I knew she was feeling neglected, but I had my reasons for avoiding her. Right now I was trying my damnest to break my addiction to her and I needed my space. “Chris, come on, babe. Please don’t be mad. I’ll make it up to you once I submit everything,” I pleaded for her to understand.
“Jae, damn, ma. You making it hard for a nigga. I miss you.” In the background I could hear the sound of a basketball hitting the wall repeatedly. I knew she was struggling not to reveal her true feelings because she didn’t want me to think she was being weak or needy. Yet, when she began speaking once again, I could hear the frustration and loneliness in her voice. “Look, babe. I need you tonight and the way you sound, you need me just as much. Don’t say no. I promise, I’ll make it worth your while.”
I sighed heavily. Knowing that I needed tonight with her. I missed her and I wanted to feel her closeness, her presence, her body. I was already feeling grouchy and frustrated from being on my “Chris diet” and it had only been a couple of weeks. Two weeks, three days, 14 hours, 32 minutes, and ummmm 15, 16, 17 seconds and counting.
I bit my lower lip and allowed myself to give in to her—again. I needed her shoulder to lean on tonight, I thought, trying to convince myself. I pushed my hands through my hair and silently groaned, but I said aloud, “I’ll be home at a decent time. Will you be there when I get home,” I asked.
“Yes, I will,” she said, earnestly. Then, trying to lighten her voice, she said, “Damn, woman, you make a nigga work hard for your time and attention,” she complained with a laugh. The pain was still so evident in her voice. “Hey Jae, baby?” she said.
“For what, baby,” I asked, truly baffled.
“For making time for me tonight,” she said.
I sat there silent. That was usually my line. I felt like I was being a bitch. Christle was a good woman and she loved me. Even though she had a husband and kids at home, I knew that she was hurting inside. I understood that she was confused and tired of all the drama that her home life presented and I was her escape from the real world. She needed me, just as much as I needed her. “Is six, cool,” I asked.
“Six is perfect. I’ll be there waiting for you. I love you, baby girl.”
“Love you too, babe.” I said, hanging up the phone.
Fuck, I was so weak, I thought. When it came to her, I always gave in. Always. No matter how much I fought with myself, or no matter how strong I tried to be, she always won. But when she sounded so hurt, I was like chocolate melting in the sun on a scorching hot Texas day. I tried to make myself feel better by saying that one night wouldn’t be so bad. But deep down in my heart, it would never simply be one night. It would always be one stolen night here, one stolen night there and they would never be completely mine.
I shook my coat from my shoulders and eased my Prada’s off my feet. Ohhhh that felt so good; I was finally home. I smiled as I heard my favorite saxophonist, Gerald Albright, playing in the background. I closed my eyes and leaned against the front door, allowing the sensual, yet sassy sound of the sax to embrace my mind, pulling me close like a lonely lover. It held me captive against the door, each note issuing a challenge. Become one with me, it whispered. Allow me to consume your mind, your body. Fall into me.
I slipped my slacks down my legs and accepted the sax’s challenge. Make love to my mind. Work your magic. I slowly began rotating my hips, grinding my butt against the door. The sax seemed to sometimes whisper, sometimes croon its love. My hands, an instrument of the music, roamed over my body. As the sax inched towards its climax, I felt the tension that had built throughout the day disappearing. The music had won. I was hers.
“That’s the one man I’m jealous of, cuz damn, I wish I had that affect on you,” I felt Chris’s whisper in my ear, before I felt her touch.
“Hmmmm, Boo bear, you do.” I leaned into her embrace as her lips teased my earlobe.
“Sometimes, it doesn’t seem like it,” she said speaking between a nibble.
“Because I’ve been busy?” I asked.
“Hmmmm no, because you’ve been avoiding me,” she said. Her lips moved from my ear to my neck. She nuzzled my neck with her mouth and then began to suck my pulse. I leaned my neck further to the side, so that she had better access. Her tongue felt so good licking and teasing. As she sucked my neck, her hands moved from my hips to my behind. I heard her groan as she cupped my ass cheeks. Damn, she felt good and I wanted her to hold me even tighter against her body. I wiggled against her and she looked up at me.
“Not yet, love. I made you dinner.”
“I want to be dinner,” I moaned before sucking her bottom lip between mine. I couldn’t resist her lips. They were so full and sexy and I loved sucking them. I would first suck the bottom one between my lips, before outlining the top one with my tongue. After teasing her lips for what seemed like forever, I could feel Chris struggling to resist taking control of our kisses. Finally, my tongue would push between her lips and I would continue to tease. I would wrap my small tongue around her perfectly pink, slightly thick one and began to simply suck it.
Hmmmmm, that felt good. It felt like heaven inside of her mouth. As I continued to suck her tongue, I knew she was becoming anxious. Anxious for our tongues to become one. Anxious for our mouth love to begin. I gave her what she wanted and as our lips tangled, my need for her grew stronger, more intense. I felt the building ache between my thighs and I felt the hardness of my nipples rubbing against the lacey fabric of my bra. My body needed release.
“Baby girl, not yet. I made you dinner. I want you to eat first, you’re going to need the energy,” she said, moving to nibble on my earlobe.
I groaned, a deep regretful sound, and thought that I couldn’t believe it had been over two weeks since we last made love. Now that I was in her presence and my mind wasn’t on avoiding her, my body was yearning for more. Although it was incredibly sweet of her to make dinner for me, I didn’t want dinner. I wanted her. But, I knew Chris was purposely teasing me. She was punishing me for making her wait so long. I smiled, thinking, two could play this game.
“Okay, boo bear. You win. Let me go shower and I’ll be right out,” I said moving away from her sexy body. Damn, I was horny. I began walking away from Chris, undressing and leaving a trail of clothing behind me. I knew how much this was turning her own because even though she was trying to remain in control, she was just as aroused as I was. I turned my completely naked body towards her and sweetly asked, “By the way, what’s for dinner, boo?”
She growled and mumbled, “lasagna,” while staring at my full breasts. Her lust was so apparent. She licked her lips, while her eyes moved down my body, settling on the dark triangle between my legs.
I giggled. She looked at me and pointed towards the bathroom. But, I wasn’t finished with her. I turned and slowly began picking up each and every article of clothing I had removed. I slightly spread my legs wider, as I reached to retrieve my shirt. I then turned teasing her with my full breasts, as I picked up my bra. Next, I squatted and crawled to retrieve my pants that were closer to the front door. Finally, I stood, stretching my tired body, extending my arms towards the ceiling. A loud, fulfilling moan accompanied my stretch as I slowly lowered my arms. I arched my back and purred like a kitten as I completed stretching my tensed muscles.
She quickly covered the distance between us and stood in front of me once
again. She pulled my body towards her and captured my mouth with hers. This was
heaven. “Hmmmmmm, boo bear. I knew you would come around,” I spoke between
“Sssssh, be quiet,” she silenced my words with her lips. She began to kiss me harder, letting me know that she was now taking control. Her kisses spoke of the loneliness that had gripped her heart these last weeks. Her tongue assured me that she loved me, needed me, wanted me. Her soft lips promised that she would make tonight special.
Her long, caramel fingers entwining with my shorter, rich chocolate fingers—mimicked our mouths. Although joined, our fingers couldn’t get close enough. My body was on fire for her. She pulled me closer, and we begin to move together to the music. Her lower body moved seductively against mine—making promises that I knew would be kept.
As her tongue began trailing kisses down my neck once again, I couldn’t resist moving my hand beneath her shirt and touching her breasts, teasing her nipples. “Hmmmm, babe,” I moaned. She responded by gently biting my collarbone and then proceeding to move down to my breasts, leaving soft kisses everywhere her mouth touched. My body burned for her and my skin ached for her touch. Her eyes moved over my bare breasts and she smiled her approval before she greedily began sucking the left one, while pinching the right one.
I slipped my hands inside the back of her unzipped pants, invaded her boxers, and cupped her bare behind. I loved the firmness of her butt. It felt so tight, yet so soft in the palm of my hands and I wanted to bite it. I felt a growl of sexual frustration escape my lips. She knew that I was past ready for our naked bodies to touch.
“Undress me, Jae,” she demanded, finally giving in to my non-silent request.
Normally, when I undressed her, I took my time and worshipped her body, seductively removing each article at a time. But, right now, I couldn’t wait to get close to her and love her. I began with her pants and boxers, moving them past her hips and allowing both to drop to the floor at the same time. Next, I grabbed the hem of her gold, polo style shirt and raised it above her head. The last to go was her green and gold sports bra that covered her small, yet firm breasts.
She stepped away from me and extended her hand. “Come with me, baby girl.” She took my hand and led me over to the couch. I lay my naked body down and spread my legs so that she could see the dark curls that lightly decorated my pussy. It glistened, awaiting her touch. She knelt in front of me and placed a kiss on my mouth before she began trailing kisses down my body. When her mouth finally reached my stomach, her tongue began to take over and she began to lick the entire area of my tummy. She stopped and pushed her tongue inside my hollow navel, using her tongue like her dick—going deep and then moving out. While her tongue fucked my navel, she reached between my legs and began caressing my pussy.
Chris moved further down my body until her face rested between my thighs. She nestled her face in my pussy, inhaling my scent. Placing soft kisses around my pussy, finally her lips moved to cover my lips. My body quivered and I felt the tension building as she parted my lips with her tongue, raking her teeth gently back and forth over them. As Chris sucked my lips, she slid her finger deep inside of me. My body tightened around her finger as her mouth moved to touch my clit. Gingerly her tongue touched it, wetting my clit even more. I moaned and my body automatically began to move up and down her wet finger. She captured my clit deep in her mouth and began to suck it.
And then she stopped. I moaned a deep protest and looked down at her, questioning her with my eyes. She moved from her knees and sat on the floor with her back against the couch and her head leaned back. She propped her knees up, moving them towards her chest. “Come here,” she demanded. I quickly moved from the couch and took her hand, as she pulled me closer, guiding my body against her mouth. “Straddle my face,” she said.
I looked down at her, wondering if I had heard her correctly. Intense, hazel eyes stared back at me and she spoke again, “Ride my face, baby girl.”
She didn’t have to ask a third time. I squatted above her mouth, lowering my pussy onto her lips. As my knees rested on the edge of the couch, I placed my hands on the back of it to steady myself. I felt Chris’s tongue move over my pussy once again before her tongue slipped deep inside of my dripping hole. She cupped my ass, spreading my cheeks and I moaned deep, slowly rotating my hips and beginning to ride her face.
I was nervous and afraid of hurting her because when her tongue was inside me, I was a wild woman. My body had a mind of its own, and I knew that as I rode towards my orgasm, my body would spiral out of control. Sensing my nervousness, she held me tighter and pushed her tongue deeper inside. Her tongue slid further into me and I screamed from the pleasure that she invoked in me. It seemed as if she was giving me permission to lose control. I trembled from the intensity of her loving. As the pleasure increased, my uncertainty of hurting her decreased. She held my ass tight and forced my body to take what she was giving. My pussy tightened on her tongue and at that point nothing mattered, except reaching that point. I felt my juices running down my thighs
and I knew her face was probably covered in my juices, and this turned me on even
more. I rode her mouth harder.
I wasn’t prepared for the slight sting that I felt on my ass and I jumped, causing Chris’s tongue to move deeper inside of my pussy. “OHHHHH, DADDY, FUCK ME,” I screamed. Again, I felt the sting on my ass, yet this time I was anticipating it—hoping that she would continue spanking me. I hoped that she would continue making me feel such pleasure, such torturous pleasure. “OHHHHH FUCK, BABY. I’M COMING, OHHHHH,” I half groaned, half moaned. She smacked my ass one final time and pushed her tongue even further and I felt everything spinning out of control. My closed eyes tightened and I bit the corner of my lip as my orgasm washed over me, draining my entire body.
Chris helped me untangle myself from her face, so that I could slide down her body to straddle her hips. She pulled me tight to her and held me close, slipping one finger inside of my body once again. My body was still trembling and I was still contracting. I loved the way Chris enjoyed my orgasms just as much as I did. She always slipped her finger inside of my quivering pussy, so that she could experience the aftermaths of my orgasm.
As I settled into her lap, I wrapped my legs around her waist and began massaging the base of her neck. I kissed her forehead and looked down into her eyes, which were staring up at me. Sometimes, when she stared so intently at me with her big hazel eyes, my heart would tighten and I would feel like crying. It seemed that I had searched so long to find someone who made me feel the way she made me feel. I felt loved, beautiful, cherished, protected, and above all she made me feel that she was my other half.
I adored this woman who held me close to her heart. I ached for the pain that she carried from day-to-day. I longed for her happiness and I knew that I could make her happy. I knew that if she were completely mine, I would spend the rest of my life, pleasing her because she meant just that much to me. I wanted to come home to her every night, without having to wonder what time she had to leave.
She reached up and moved her hand over my eyes, as if she was wiping away the pain. She smiled a half smile and said, “You have clouds in your eyes again. Stop worrying so much.”
My heart ached and I felt my throat tighten. I sat there with my eyes closed for a moment before opening them once again. I smiled sadly and said, “I missed you, boo bear. I missed you so much. I tried so hard to not see you, but I couldn’t.”
She softly moaned and pulled my body tighter to hers before she responded, “I know. I missed you too, baby girl. Do you know how much I love you? Adore you? Sweetie, you have to know that the only thing that makes life bearable for me right now is my kids and you. Do you know that? Please tell me you know that.”
I shrugged my shoulders and looked away. I wanted to believe every word she spoke, but there were times when the doubt filled my mind and I wondered if Chris was simply saying beautiful words to appease me. She was filled with so much charisma, so much charm, and she always knew exactly the right words to say. I looked back into her eyes and changed the subject. “What time do you have to leave tonight,” I asked.
This time she looked away. When she responded, I heard the pain laced with her northern accent. “Trying to get rid of me already?”
I shook my head no and hugged her tighter. I knew that Chris hated when I asked her what time she had to leave, but I needed to know. Often times, I used the question as a defense mechanism so that I wouldn’t lose myself completely in her. I didn’t want to forget that the time that she gave me wasn’t completely mine. It was borrowed from the husband and kids she had waiting at home. However, there were other times when I simply wanted to know how much time we had together so that I could tell her and show her how much she meant to me. Tonight, it was a mixture of both.
Chris viewed the question as a reminder that what we shared wasn’t completely real. Our love was real, but me coming home to her wasn’t real. What we shared wasn’t her world. Instead, her world consisted of being a wife to a man she could no longer stand, being a mother to two adorable sons, and being a college basketball coach. Her world was filled with secrets that only I knew, secrets that were tearing her apart and leaving her feeling confused and frustrated.
Chris once told me that she had always been a “tomboy.” She always played the roughest games, dressed in the baggiest jeans, wore the shortest haircuts (that she could get away with), and hung with the meanest guys. She also always had a secret attraction for women. She had smiled at this point and looked me up and down and said, “But not just any type of woman, one who was incredibly feminine and who oozed sexuality. Women like you.”
She continued by saying that she first realized that she was seriously attracted to women in high school when she joined the basketball team. When she was in the locker room, she couldn’t take her eyes off the bodies that were so much like hers. She felt as if she were in heaven and that the female body was one of the most beautiful things ever created. It intrigued her, mesmerized her, and aroused her. And it also freaked her out. Chris said that she would quickly shower and rush from the locker room so no one would detect her secret.
By college, her attraction to women was even stronger. She admitted that it was women, instead of men, that were always on her mind. Yet, she didn’t know how to cope with her sexuality and she continued to hide her feelings. During basketball season, there were many one-night stands with girls from different towns in which the team traveled. Yet, she never allowed any friends or family to know that she was into women. Instead, she only dated male basketball players, in hopes they wouldn’t question her tomboyishness nor her strong need to play ball.
After college, she married her college boyfriend and tried to conform to society’s expectations. She grew her hair out a tad longer than she normally wore it, began wearing “more feminine” slacks instead of baggy jeans, and she had babies. Yet, year after year, the burden of her sexuality became heavier to bear. It was becoming harder to pretend she enjoyed her husband’s touch or his body entering hers. It was becoming harder to fantasize about being with a woman and not actually be with one. She had promised herself that when she married she would be a faithful wife and she would no longer have one-night stands with women. For ten years she had kept her promise, until she met me.
“Where can I find Mrs. Christle Brown, please?” I asked a short girl who was walking down the hall towards me, while bouncing a basketball. “Coach Brown? She’s still inside the women’s gym, which is down the hall and on the right.”
I smiled and thanked the young woman and followed her directions. I approached the gym and placed an award-winning smile on my face. When I entered, I saw her on the court bouncing a basketball, preparing to shoot a hoop. She extended her right arm upwards and positioned the ball toward the goal and then shot the ball. I waited by the door for the outcome of her shot. The ball entered the net and slid through it. It was perfect. Showoff, I thought, holding my smile. She turned and my breath caught as she began walking towards me. I heard her greet me, but all I could do was continue to smile. It was those eyes that drew me. They were the sexiest I had ever seen. I wanted to capture those eyes with my camera so that I could look into them forever. They were gorgeous. I wasn’t sure what color they were until she was closer and I then realized they were hazel. Looking at her extremely light skin and short, naturally curly hair that was tapered along the neck, I immediately wondered if she was biracial. Whatever she was, she was damn sexy.
She was definitely my type of woman, yet I cautioned myself not to slip into my flirting mode. This was business and I needed to remain professional. But damn, this woman that finally stood in front of me was too damn fine. She was taller and thicker than my 5’4 small frame, but she was definitely toned. Her look screamed stud, but for some reason, I couldn’t quite tell with this one.
She cocked her head to the side and spoke my name again. “Ms. Winters,” she questioned. I looked at her blankly and she smiled a crooked grin. “Ya know, sometimes when trying to get the kids ready for school, I forget to wash my own face. Is there something on it?”
I flinched inside. Damn, I was staring. I laughed nervously and quickly responded, “Nope, I was just trying to regain my composure from being in the presence of greatness. You’re statistics with this team are awesome. You’ve taken them from years of losing streaks to three back-to-back championships. You’re a legend here. But please, forgive me, Mrs. Brown. I think I left my professionalism in the car.” I smiled, hoping she would believe my compliment, which was only partly true.
She laughed and said, “Call me Chris.” Chris extended her hand and I felt chills run down my spine as I wondered what her hands would feel like on my body.
I quickly recovered. “And you may call me Ja’Nae.”
“It’s very nice to meet you Ja’Nae. My office is in this direction,” she said leading me further down the hall towards an office in the back of the gym. She made light conversation and I began to wonder what was the real deal on this woman. I knew that she was married and she mentioned earlier she had kids. But, there was something inside telling me that she was a lesbian and usually when it came to that I was right. She intrigued me and I wanted to get to know her more.
Yet, I knew my efforts to subtly express interest in this woman would be in vain. There were too many factors against me. One, she was an assignment. Simple as that. She was purely work and I had to keep my involvement with her professional. Next, I wasn’t even sure if she was a lesbian. It seemed like she might be, but I wasn’t completely sure. So, I refused to take a chance with her and throw off my “I’m interested in you vibe.” Last but certainly not least, she was married. That’s where I drew the line. I couldn’t bring myself to date someone who was married or who was in a committed relationship. That
was a no-no. It was wrong and I knew what went around, came back around. Besides, those types of relationships were too complicated.
She offered me a seat across from her desk and I sat down and began my pre-photographing session with her. Prior to meeting the person, I usually had an idea of what type of shots I wanted to capture, but I liked to get to know the person better during my initial visit. I liked to talk with them and get a feel for their personality. I also explained what I hoped to accomplish from the session and asked if they had any suggestions or questions. I tried to make them feel comfortable with me before they were placed in front of my camera.
I had stopped talking and Chris was still looking at me. This time I felt as if she was staring. I smiled and said, “I don’t have any kids to get ready in the mornings, but sometimes I forget to wash my face. Do I still have sleep in my eyes?” I asked with a laugh in my voice.
“No,” she said, laughing while an attractive crimson blush spread across her face. “This is going to sound corny but I was amazed at how you approached this assignment. You’ve made me feel that I’m not simply another photograph for your magazine, but a real person that you’re interested in and that readers will be interested in seeing. I’m so used to photojournalists coming in and not really seeing me, resulting in superficial looking photos. They just see poses. But, you have come in and made me feel as if this is not simply a job for you, but it’s a pleasure to take my picture. Does that make sense?”
I smiled and I felt my attraction deepen. I quietly stated, “You’re a very beautiful woman. It is my pleasure to take your picture. My camera will love you.”
After the words were spoken, I wanted to crawl under her desk and die. There was nothing subtle about my words. I had just flirted openly with this woman and I wanted to cringe. I was normally a straightforward, “go get `em” type of gal, but damn, never on assignment or with a woman I didn’t know for sure was a lesbian.
She laughed and once again blushed. When I looked into her eyes this time, I could see her attraction for me. However, it was not only in her eyes, but it was also clearly written all over her face. We sat there looking at one another for a minute, flirting with our eyes, before I looked away. The attraction was too much and I knew that I couldn’t have her. I didn’t even want to continue tempting myself.
“Ja’Nae.” This time my name was a caress on her lips. “I’m starving. How about we continue this introductory session over lunch. My treat,” she said. Everything in me said no and to make an excuse. I could easily re-schedule and we could resume with the actual photo shoot. Yet, I heard the words, “I would love lunch,” coming from my mouth. I had never been this quickly intrigued by anyone before and I wanted to explore my feelings. Yet, I knew that I was headed in the wrong direction. There were too many reasons to suppress my feelings and fight my attraction for this coach.
Chris took me to a small restaurant in the heart of downtown Dallas. It was slightly crowded, yet she assured me that this place was definitely worth the wait because the food and service were incredible. I hardly noticed our 20-minute wait time because she was such a great conversationalist. She was easy to talk with and had the funniest sense of humor. Mrs. Chris Brown was a very charming woman and the more time that I spent with her, the more time I wanted. After we had eaten and talked for another hour, I finally suggested we leave because I couldn’t handle the conflicting feelings inside. I was attached after spending one short afternoon with her.
Once we made it back to the school, she helped me unload the rest of my equipment from my car. I sat up quickly and went to work. As I photographed her, I used my camera to memorize and caress her body. Behind my camera, I had the opportunity to make love to her body with my eyes. By the time I had finished, my body was tight and I felt a familiar tingling between my legs. I wanted this woman in the worst way. From spending half a day with her, I sensed her dominant personality and knew that she would be a dominant lover. I wanted her to take me right there in the gym.
I quickly pushed the thoughts out of my head as I said, “Chris, you were an absolutely wonderful subject today. Thank you so much for your time. I enjoyed lunch and we must get together again,” I said, smiling. I hoped I still sounded professional, but it wasn’t uncommon in my business to have lunch occasionally with sources.
“I would like that. I had a really good time with you today,” Chris said surprising me.
I smiled and gave her my card. The next week we had lunch again and the next month we made love for the first time.
Chris broke my thoughts by kissing my neck. “What are you thinking about?
“When we met two years ago,” I said.
Chris smiled and pulled me even closer. “Are you hungry, yet,” she asked.
“Only for you.”
“You need to eat, little one. Knowing you, you worked right through lunch,” she scolded.
I raised one eyebrow and tried to act offended. But I laughed. She knew me so well.
“See you need me as much as I need you. You don’t take care of yourself, Jae. You need to eat more vegetables and also try to eat more protein,” she continued.
“Yes, mother,” I said beginning to laugh.
“Damn, baby girl. I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to lecture. But, you know every now and then that shit just hits me.”
I laughed again and began tickling her. She tried to keep a straight face and swat my hands away, but I knew the places that made her giggle like a small child and I attacked. I ran my fingers up and down her sides, tickling her and then finally my fingers went to her underarms. She tried to keep them closed tight, but I began kissing and sucking her neck, trying to make her relax. Finally, her arms began to slip around my waist pulling me tight and I attacked again. My fingers tickled her underarms and she began laughing so hard, she was soon trying to catch her breath.
She pulled me even closer and bent my body until she lowered me to floor.
“Hmmm, playing dirty, huh? I have something for you then,” Chris whispered in my ear.
“And I want it too,” smiling at my victory.
I leaned against the kitchen sink and watched Chris as she put the covered lasagna in the refrigerator. I felt my heart sinking. It was time for her to leave and for some reason it was harder tonight. I couldn’t understand why it always broke my heart and made me feel like a lost child when she left. I should have been used to it, but I wasn’t. It still hurt when she had to leave.
I turned away from her and continued to lean against the kitchen sink for support. My shoulders slumped and I allowed the pain to openly consume me. I knew that it was wrong to be with Chris, but everything felt so right when we were together.
I looked out the black window, dark from the night and I saw my reflection. I looked like I felt—defeated. I was tired and I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t continue watching her walk out the door and into the arms of someone else. I couldn’t continue pretending that this didn’t hurt me. Nor could I continue spending glorious hours with her, in order to spend lonely nights alone. I just couldn’t continue.
Yet, I knew I would. For her, I would.
Sometimes, I thought I didn’t deserve this type of pain. I didn’t purposely choose to fall in love with her. In fact, I struggled against it with every bone in my body, yet muscle won. My heart. Once I finally allowed myself to admit that I loved this married woman, my heart seemed to stop listening or communicating with my mind altogether. My heart rebelled against reason and logic. It shut its ears, poked out its tongue, and crossed its arms and said, “Fall harder.” And I did—continuously.
Yet, there were other times when I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I would stand in front of the bathroom mirror and I couldn’t meet the eyes that I knew would condemn me. I was an adulterer. Just those words alone, could turn my stomach and bring a wave of tears so strong that I felt my entire body tremble from disappointment and guilt.
When I looked at myself, I saw myself as the woman who broke up my parent’s marriage. I was the woman who every married woman hated and feared. Although, my girlfriend was married to a man, it didn’t matter. I was the enemy and I was livid with my actions and my feelings. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself and the reasoning was simple. I loved her. I absolutely and positively adored Mrs. Christle Brown.
I felt Chris’ breath on my neck the same time I felt her arms wrap themselves around me. “I know, Precious. I know what you’re feeling and I feel the same way,” she whispered into my ear. I heard the pain in her voice, although I knew she was trying to be the strong one. I felt my body begin to gravitate to her warmness and I slumped against her, leaning my head back against her shoulder.
As she held me for what seemed like hours, words weren’t necessary between us because no words could express what we felt for one another. I felt her butterfly kiss on my neck and then she was gone.
“Why haven’t I heard from you in a month and a half,” I asked as I heard Chris close her office door behind her. I sat in the guest chair facing her empty desk, waiting for her response. Instead I heard her sigh as she walked further into the room, moving to her desk. She sat and busied herself with the papers that lay in front of her, still not addressing my question, nor making eye contact with me. I tried to hold my temper in check and remain patient with my girlfriend, as I watched her check her messages, jot down names and numbers, as well as begin logging on and checking her email.
After five minutes, I refused to continue to sit there and watch her ignore me. I cleared my throat and asked again, only louder, “In case you didn't hear me the first time, Christle, I asked why haven't I heard from you in a month and a half.”
She looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. Finally, I had her attention, yet only briefly. She looked away once again, but this time, she said, “I've been busy, Jae.”
“Busy? Busy,” I asked cocking my head to the side. I felt my temper flaring as she casually dropped the words and then continued what she was doing. I couldn’t take this nonchalant attitude from her and I wanted some answers. “Chris you always make time to talk to me. What the hell is going on with you? What has kept you so busy that you couldn't at least pick up a phone and say, ‘I’m cool, Jae’ or hell, if you were feeling froggy enough, something like, ‘Hey bitch, I’m alive.’ I mean, something, Chris,” I said looking at her bowed head.
Again, she looked at me with that raised brow. I didn’t back down as I stared back into those sexy hazel eyes. She quickly dropped hers and quietly spoke. “I thought you would be glad that I was giving you your space. Aren’t you always trying to distance yourself from me so that you can break your ‘need’ for me?”
Although she spoke quietly, I knew she was mocking me and I didn’t understand what was going on with her. This was so unlike her to act so nonchalant, so uncaring, and so evasive. It sat there longer and the tension was so thick that it couldn’t even be cut with a sharpened knife.
I couldn’t take her silence any longer and I leaned forward in my seat and gently lifted her chin, turning her face so that I could see into her eyes. And there it was, what she had been hiding from me. Her eyes were filled with so much pain and sadness that I wanted to look away myself, but instead I asked, “Boo Bear, what’s wrong?”
She turned her head so that her chin no longer rested in my hand. Yet, before she could turn her head, I saw the tears cloud her light eyes. I immediately left my chair and walked around the desk. I moved in front of her computer screen and leaned against her desk, so that I stood directly in front of her. I looked down on her lowered head and lifted her chin once again, so that our eyes met. “Baby, what’s wrong,” I asked again.
“He knows, Jae,” she said and the tears fell harder as she admitted what was bothering her. Chris burrowed her head into my stomach and I could feel her silent sobs racking her body. I held her head close to my body and ran my fingers through her short, curly hair. I knew that it embarrassed her for me to see her this way, but I wanted to be there for her.
I had never seen her cry. She never allowed it because she felt like she had to be the strong one. She would talk to me about her problems and then when she felt like she was going to break down about it, she would look away so that I wouldn’t see the pain on her face. But, I always saw it and I always heard it, like today. I couldn’t stand to see her this way; my heart was breaking for her.
I held her until the tears subsided and I lifted her head once again. I leaned down and kissed her forehead and begin wiping her tears away with my thumb. “Come here, baby,” I said, holding out my hand so that I could lead her to the couch that sat in the far corner of her office. As we settled on the couch, I pulled her close to me again and held her. My heart ached for the pain that she was feeling and I wanted to erase all of the hurt that filled her heart. I felt her body relax into mine and I asked the question that had plagued my mind from the moment she told me her husband knew about us. “Babe, how did he find out?”
Chris let out a long sigh and said, “He had been hearing gossip and so he hired a detective,” Chris said. “The detective has been taking pictures and following us for over three months.”
“I know. Michael actually said something the last night you and I were together. When I walked in, he was like, ‘I guess when you’re with your girlfriend you can’t come home at a decent hour.’ And so I thought he was talking about me being with one of my friends and I began apologizing and trying to explain. I told him that me and one of the assistant coaches decided to go for a drink and the time simply got away from us and I didn’t realize how late it was.”
“What did he say?”
“He just kind of looked at me and rolled his eyes. By this time we were in the bedroom and when I looked up at him, he was taking something from his shirt drawer. He handed it to me and it was a white envelope with pictures of us inside. We were kissing in one picture and in another we were just hugged up really close. When I was looking at the pictures, it sent chills down my spine to know that someone had been invading our space and trespassing on the time we spent together. I was pissed at Michael for having me followed, but at the same time I was nervous because I knew there was no turning back from my secret. Does that make sense?” she asked and I nodded.
“I could tell that Michael was getting impatient with me because I was just standing there looking at the pictures and I wasn’t saying anything. Jae, I don’t know what he expected me to say. I wasn’t going to stand there and look at the evidence and just lie to his face about us. Besides, I can’t deny my love for you and I knew that he could see it all over my face when I looked at us together.”
I felt my heart contract. Just those words that she spoke, “I can’t deny my love for you,” made my heart beat faster. It made me want to pull her closer into my body and protect her from the hurt and pain that I knew she was feeling, as well as what was about to come. I pulled her closer and waited for her to continue.
“After I didn’t say anything, he asked me what I was thinking and I kind of shrugged and said that I wasn’t thinking anything and that kind of pissed him off. Like I said, I’m not sure what Michael expected, but I obviously wasn’t giving it to him. So, he finally was like, ‘So, what does this mean, Chris? You’re a dyke, now?’” She stopped speaking and looked up at me.
“Jae, baby, it was the first time in my life that I admitted to someone other than a lesbian, that I was a lesbian. Angel, do you know how that made me feel? I had to sit down because so much shit was going through my mind, so many mixed emotions. I won’t lie, I felt scared that he knew about us, but I felt relieved, as well. I had been hiding my feelings for women all of my life and for him to finally see what I really was, who I really am, I just felt like a weight had been lifted.
“But, I knew the calmness wasn’t going to last. I think because he was faced with the reality that his wife was a lesbian, it seemed like he turned into a completely different person. But, then again, what could I expect? I knew I hurt him and embarrassed him and I never meant to do that. I never meant to hurt anyone. Jae, you know this better than anyone, I just couldn’t fight it any longer. I couldn’t fight who I was. I wasn’t happy until I met you and I wanted so badly to be happy. I just wanted to embrace who I was and finally live my life with someone that I enjoyed spending time with. I was tired, baby.”
Chris stopped speaking once again and snuggled closer to me. I could tell that she was trying to draw from my strength before she finished telling me what else happened. I held her even closer and tried to provide her the comfort that she needed, that she always gave to me when I was hurting. She was quiet for so long that I thought maybe she wasn’t going to tell me the rest. But, finally she continued.
“Angel, I’ve lost all respect for Michael and for the person that he has become. This last month, he has made my life hell. Seriously. When I look at him, I don’t even know him anymore because he’s so set on punishing me. I admit that I made a mistake and I was wrong for cheating, but I didn’t know what to do really. For the first time in my life, I was in love. I never thought I would feel that type of emotion that people talked so much about. But, I finally had it and I didn’t want to let it go. I couldn’t. I thought so many times about divorcing Michael and me and the kids just starting over. But, I didn’t want to uproot the boys because of my own selfishness—because I was happy. I didn’t want to jeopardize their happiness for mine. It seems I tried so hard to prevent them going through a divorce and it’s still happening and it’s worse than I could have ever imagined.”
Chris looked away from my eyes and I knew that she was trying to recompose herself. I saw the tears in her eyes and I knew that me seeing her cry once today was all she could handle. I sat quietly holding her, allowing her to get herself together.
“Baby, I love my kids more than life itself. I would do anything to protect those boys because they’re my life, my past, my present, and my future. I don’t know how I could live without them.”
My mind was racing at all the possibilities of the situation. I needed Chris to continue because I was becoming frantic. What did she mean when she said she couldn’t live without them. Why would she have to, I wondered and I asked her.
“Because Michael is threatening to take them from me if I don’t give you up.”
I looked at her with outrage on my face and I felt anger so deep wash over me that I wanted to claw this man’s eyes for making my baby feel such pain and anguish. I knew how much she loved her boys and I would never ask her to choose. I would walk out of her life willingly if she had to choose, but I never thought I would have to. I never thought it would come to this. I looked at her beautiful face that was drawn so tight because of the internal conflict that she was facing. I wanted to be her all. I wanted to make the world right for her and to be the comfort that she always needed. I wanted to be a part of her life, if only a small part, but it seemed that even that was being taken from us.
Chris had begun talking again and I tried to turn my focus on her words instead of the rage I felt for her husband.
“We’re getting a divorce because he’s embarrassed, hurt, and disgusted by my choices. Don’t get me wrong, I want a divorce, but, the thing that hurts me the most in all of this is that he’s giving me an ultimatum where the kids are concerned. He said that I had one of two choices. I could willingly give up my lesbian lifestyle and he would not fight me for custody or he could take me to court and fight me tooth and nail for the kids.
“And trust me Jae, I believe that he would be ruthless. He promised that if he took me to court that it would be nothing pretty because he would present the photos and he would argue that the boys needed to be with their father, not in a lesbian environment. Jae, Michael is a good father, but damn it, I’m a good mother, too. It doesn’t make me any less of a mother because I’m a lesbian. I always put them first and my happiness second. But, Michael is adamant that he doesn’t want the boys in a lesbian environment. He says that it’s unhealthy, unnatural, and he says that he refuses to have his kids exposed to it.”
Chris sighed again and looked up at me. “Babe, I know what I need to do, but it just makes me angry and it hurts. I can’t picture my life without you anymore. I’ve never felt anything remotely close to what I feel when I’m with you. The thought of giving you up makes me feel lost, lonely, frightened, and just sick inside. A big part of me wants to call Michael’s bluff and simply say, ‘Fine, let’s handle this in court because I’m not giving up that easily. You can’t tell me how to live my life.’ Whereas another part of me knows he’s not bluffing and I don’t want to risk losing the boys. I’m being a coward.
“Jae, to be completely honest with you, the reason I haven’t called you in three weeks was so that I could see if I could live without you. And you know what? I couldn’t. I picked up the phone so many times to call you, but I made myself hang up. Every time my cell rang, I hoped and prayed that it was you. Hell, I have even written you an email everyday for the last two weeks and then trashed it before I could break down and send it. I got it bad for you woman. You’re the only person that I know who can give me the strength and support that I need to get through this.”
She sighed again and looked away. As I held her, I felt her body shaking once again. I moved my right hand to the nape of her neck and began massaging away the tenseness. After I felt her body relaxing once again, my fingers moved through her hair, massaging her scalp. I wanted to touch all of the places that I knew would relax her, but this wasn’t the time, nor the place. Instead, I moved my fingers to her temples and began trying to soothe her mind.
I sat there allowing my fingers to say the words that I couldn’t—that everything was eventually going to be okay. I didn’t know how to tell her that she didn’t have to choose between us—that I would walk away willingly so that she didn’t have to choose. I knew how much her boys meant to her and how she would do anything for them, including give me up. I also knew after long nights and tortuous days, what conclusion she would make and I couldn’t blame her. Those were her sons, her babies, her flesh and blood. I would do the same thing—place my happiness second to the happiness and well being of my children.
We sat there a little longer holding one another until her phone rang. She slowly disentangled herself from my arms and went and answered it. I could tell that it was her husband because her face tightened and her voice, which had moments ago seemed calmer, was now strained again. Chris seemed like she was on the verge of breaking down once again, as she bent her head and shaded her face with her hand.
I didn’t want to make things any harder on her by being an audience to her tears. I knew that she was extremely embarrassed by the emotion because she felt that she was supposed to be the strong one. I wanted to be there for her and hold her and wipe away her tears. I wanted to make things right for her because I loved her, but I knew it was time for me to leave. I stood, walked over to the desk and kissed her gently on the lips before disappearing out the door.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to open my mouth and let out one big, loud obnoxious yell because I had had enough. I simply had had all I could tolerate for the day and I was tired. I didn’t want to be sitting here in my dark room, looking at the pile of film that needed to be developed. (I didn’t feel like looking at that shit.) I didn’t feel like making decisions about which photographs should be or should not be included in the summer spread for the next month. (Who cared?) I didn’t want to listen to my boss bitch about the upcoming deadline. (Bitch, get a life.) But most of all, I didn’t want to think about how Chris had treated me yesterday evening. (Fuck her.) I was tired.
The only thing that I felt like doing was screaming and running away from everything. That’s how I felt. Fuck it all. I just wanted to crawl back in the bed and bury my head beneath the covers, and only come out when Soul Food and Sex in the City reruns came on. That was it because I was tired.
I kept thinking that I could deal with the pressures from my job, but when it came to being ignored by the woman that I loved, I couldn’t deal with that. It wasn’t that she simply ignored me; it was the fact that she outright denied my existence. Her eyes actually met mine and she had the nerve to turn and walk away as if she didn’t know me. Now, that’s what was really upsetting me. She dismissed my presence and no matter how angry I was, above all I was more hurt by her rejection.
I sighed and realized it was too late. I couldn’t make my mind block out how she had treated me. I spent the day trying to push her actions out of my mind, but everything kept replaying in my head. I kept seeing myself pull into the Wal-Mart parking lot, and immediately seeing her tall, toned figure walking into the store. I remembered how my stomach lurched because I didn’t realize how much I had missed her. I quickly got out of the car and hurried into the store, to begin my search for her.
When I finally caught up with Chris, she was in the frozen vegetable section. She was looking through the glass freezer, while her sons stood on the opposite side of the isle looking at the frozen TV dinners. I walked over to her and smiled. “Hey Chris. How have you been doing,” I asked. I made sure that my words and my tone held the lightness and ease of that of an old friend, and not low and seductive as an intimate lover.
Chris looked at me, but her face didn’t show welcome. Instead, it showed surprise, fear, and then it went blank. She seemed honestly baffled to see me standing besides her, also looking through the glass door. She didn’t say anything and I wondered if she had heard me.
“Chris,” I questioned. “How are you,” I asked once again.
Silence, still. She opened the freezer door, picked out a couple of packages of vegetables and threw them in her basket. “Come on boys,” she said, turning to her sons, and then to my surprise, she walked away.
I stood there, wondering if that had really happened. Had she honestly walked away from me without acknowledging my presence? I moved through the isles in a daze, quickly collecting my groceries. When I finally made it to the checkout line, I saw Chris and her boys leaving the store. Our eyes met once again and once again, she looked away. I tried convincing myself that I saw regret and an apology in her eyes when they met mine that last time, but I wasn’t sure. It was probably wishful thinking.
The longer I sat there on that stool, in that dark, dreary room, the more I felt myself falling into a sea of depression. Originally, I didn’t want to believe it, but I knew things were over between us. She had chosen the boys, which was understandable. But, with her decision and her outright denial of my presence at the store yesterday, I realized that there was no longer any room for me in her life. She had made the decision to deny her love for me, as well as deny who she really was. I understood why she did it, but that didn’t make the pain stop, although, I knew in time it would lessen.
I sat in the tub, unwinding from my day. I was so tired, but it was a good tired. It seemed that with the change of seasons, my workload was increasing. The winter magazine spreads were always my biggest challenge, but at this time in my life, I welcomed more work, more challenges, and less “me” time.
I allowed the warm water to wash over my body, gently caressing my tired bones. This was my new lover and after working 12-hour days for over a month, I anticipated coming home to its welcoming touch. I would fill the tub with very warm water and frescia-flavored bubbles, dim the lights and surround the tub with frescia-scented candles, while allowing myself to be serenaded by the smooth, velvety flow of Gerald Albright. This was all the romance I needed.
I leaned my head back against the tub, closing my eyes, allowing the ambience of the bathroom to remove the stresses from my mind. As my thoughts began to wonder, my hands began to move down my body. I tried hard not to think of moments that Chris and I had spent together, but it was hard. My body needed release and my mind conjured up images of us together, making love. I teased myself with thoughts of the countless number of times that our bodies had writhed against one another—and my hands massaged my breasts. I thought back to moments when my fingers inched deeper and deeper inside of her—and my fingers pulled roughly on my nipples. I pictured how her long tongue wrapped around my clit—and my hands moved even lower.
Finally, I stopped fighting my mind and gave myself over to the memories of our loving. I pictured a night not so long ago when we blocked out everything and everyone and concentrated on simply loving one another and pleasing the other.
I remembered that I had lay naked, spread eagle, offering myself as a sacrifice to her. “Take me. Take my body. Take my mind. It’s all yours,” I had whispered. I looked up at her and began stroking my nipples, pinching them, rubbing them, giving them the attention they had yearned for. My other hand moved downwards until my fingers were moving through my curly, dark pubic hair. I slipped one finger inside of myself and allowed it to become saturated by my juices. Removing my finger, I smeared my juices onto Chris’s nipples and began to suck her small, firm breasts. My tongue pulled her nipples deep into my mouth, while she prepared my pussy for her mouth again. As she ran her finger over my clit, teasing and then quickly moving further down, I sucked deeper, harder on her nipples.
“Hmmmmmm, baby. Now,” I remember begging and she kissed my lips in agreement. I watched through clouded eyes, as she straddled my body, pushing my legs further apart with her thighs. Before we made love this way, Chris always kissed my eyes and told me how much she adored me, loved me, and cherished me. I loved how special she made me feel.
As we kissed, I felt her hand reach between our bodies to spread my lips further apart, searching to find my prominent clit. The difference in our clits always amazed me. Mine was much longer than hers and hers was much thicker. Her fingers moved further between us and I felt her slip a finger deep into my pussy once again, making sure that it was wet enough. At this point, although Chris was soaking wet, she took a finger and slid her lips further apart, wetting her clit with my juices. The thought of our mingling juices aroused me even more.
Lips to lips. Breasts to breasts. Clit to clit. The moment Chris’s clit rubbed against mine, my body tightened. Because my clit was more sensitive, I appreciated how she moved against me gently at first, allowing my body to become accustomed to the erotic friction. When we made love in this fashion, it took Chris no time to orgasm, but it always took me slightly longer. She slipped a finger inside of me once again and began teasing and rubbing my pussy walls, while her clit stroked mines. Soon we both began gasping for breath and grinding harder against one another. I spread my legs even further and wrapped them around her waist pulling her tighter against me. Needing more. Wanting more.
I felt the tension building in my body. Weighing down my limbs, forcing me to cling tighter and climb higher and higher with her. I felt the tightness in her back as she barely hung on, waiting for me. Yet, I needed something more—just something more to send me over the edge. I was so close, yet so far away. I felt bad because I knew Chris was waiting on me, however, I also knew that she could feel when I orgasmed. I never faked it with her, nor did I ever want to.
As if reading my mind, she removed her finger from inside of me and used it, thickly coated with my juices, to gently slide into my ass. My eyes flew open. That was it, right there, my mind screamed. Right there. The sensations that her finger created in my ass were different than when she fucked my pussy. My body moved against her harder, embracing the erotic feelings that she evoked in me.
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Baby. That’s it,” I screamed—and it was. I remembered how the friction that her clit created on mine, plus her finger fucking my ass had caused me to lose control then, and tonight, just thoughts of us together, were causing me to lose control now.
And then the phone interrupted my lover’s mental seduction. I cursed in frustration and instantly reached over, yanking the cordless from its base. I figured, the quicker I rushed the caller off the phone, the quicker I could get back to relieving my mind and my body of its tension. This had better be good, I thought.
“Hello,” I questioned, hoping that my irritation didn’t reflect in my voice.
I paused, wondering if it was really her voice. “Hello,” I questioned again. My face began to burn from embarrassment because moments ago I was mentally lost in her, and now it seemed that I was imaging her voice on the other end of the line.
“Hi. It’s me,” Chris spoke into the phone.
I quickly set up and pulled my body from the tub. “Hold on,” I said, lying the phone down. I picked up my towel and wrapped it around my dripping wet body and moved to the bedroom. I sat down on the bed and tried to gather my composure. This was all I needed. I had been so strong these last months. I had finally made it to the point where I only fantasized about her; I no longer picked up the phone to call her.
“Hello,” I spoke again in the phone. I wouldn’t act I fool. I would be polite and then I would simply dismiss her once she said what she needed to say.
“Jae, how are you?”
“How may I help you,” I was cool and to the point.
“Hmmm, I guess I deserve that,” she said. “I was calling because you were on my mind. I was thinking about you and I wanted to talk to you.”
My mind stopped on her first words. I tried to contain the harsh words that were threatening to leave mouth as I thought about her statement, “I guess I deserve that.” You do and much, much worse, I thought. Instead I said, “What do you need to talk to me about, Chris?” I could hear the bitterness in my voice beginning to replace the calmness.
“Us, Jae. I wanted to talk about us. May I come over? I’m about 30 minutes away from you.”
“Chris, there is no need for us to talk because there is no us. When you denied my presence in that grocery store three months ago, you told me loud and clear there was no us.” I couldn’t continue to hide the pain and I no longer wanted to. How dare she call me after all these months and think that she could just drop in? It wasn’t that easy and I didn’t feel like dealing with the stress.
“Angel, please. I need to talk with you. I need to explain. I need to try and make things right between us.”
“Make things right between us? Why? Why now, Chris? It has been three months. Three months and now you’re calling?”
“Please, I know I was wrong, but you know that I have always loved you and that I still do love you for that matter. Please, just let me come over. Please, Jae.”
And that was all it took—I love you. When she spoke those words and allowed me to hear the pain in her voice, I felt the wall to my heart crumbling down. I felt it. I felt myself giving in. Despite everything, I still loved her and worried about her. I wanted to see her, just to make sure everything was going okay with her, yet I knew it was a wrong decision. I knew that if I saw her that I would forgive her. Damn, I was weak, but I couldn’t lie to myself. I wanted to see her. I wanted to be with her.
“Okay,” I gave in. “but, you better get here quick before I change my mind and you can’t stay long.”
“Okay. And Jae?”
I hung up the phone and wondered what had I gotten myself into. What had I said yes to?
But, I had to be real with myself. I would be angry with her and express how she had hurt me, but I knew that I would eventually forgive her. This was Chris, the woman that I loved, above anyone. No matter how hard I had worked to forget her these past months, I hadn’t forgotten her. No matter how much I wanted to hate her, I couldn’t and I didn’t. No matter how much I had struggled not to call or give in to the urge to go to her, I knew that I would allow her back into my life and my heart tonight. And that angered me, as well as excited me.
I pulled a purple and gold, silk kimono over my naked body and tied the belt. I headed to the living room and flopped on the couch. I hated waiting, but I tried to sit patiently waiting by flipping TV channels. I finally heard the doorbell ring and I went and answered the door. She still looked good to me. I don’t know why I thought three months would make a difference, but she still took my breath away. I smiled and stepped to the side so that she could enter.
“Hi,” she spoke and turned to hug me. I moved away from her hug and instead gave a small smile and said hello. I wasn’t ready for her to touch me, not yet. I needed to hear the reason in which she had decided she needed to see me. But, most of all, I needed and hoped for an apology.
“Come on in Chris,” I said leading her into my living room. “Would you like anything to drink or eat? I don’t have much in the fridge because I haven’t gotten around to doing much shopping, but I’m sure I can wrestle up something if you’re hungry.” I knew I was babbling, but I was nervous.
“Sweetie, I’m cool. I don’t want anything.” She looked incredibly laid back for a person who had a lot of explaining to do. “Have a seat,” I motioned towards the couch, while I took the armchair across from her. I still needed my distance.
“So, what’s up,” I asked breaking the silence.
She cleared her throat and looked directly into my eyes. I could see the sadness in her eyes, and hope written across her face. She looked tired and worn out, but she also looked stronger—as if she was ready to take on the world. “Jae, I wanted to apologize for the way that I acted and ask you to allow me the chance to make it up to you,” she said quietly.
“Hmmmm. Thank you for the apology, but how do you think you can make it up to me? You treated me as if you were ashamed of me. You walked away from me. I felt like you were throwing our relationship, but most of all our friendship back in my face. You denied you even knew me, Chris. How am I supposed to forgive that? How are you supposed to make that up?”
“I don’t know, babe. But, I’m willing to do anything. I know it will take time, but I love you and I’m willing to wait and work for your forgiveness—for as long as it takes.”
I looked away from her face and changed the subject. She had me at hello, but I couldn’t allow her to see that just yet. “How’s the divorce coming along?”
“It’s coming. That’s another thing that I wanted to talk to you about. I told Michael that he was going to have to take me to court to fight for custody because I wasn’t going to give you up. I told him that you were the best thing that has happened to me since our kids and that I was willing to fight for you both.”
”Yes,” she said dropping to her knees in front of me. “Angel, when I walked away from you, I felt like I had just lost you and because I had lost you, I had lost myself. I had not only denied you, but, I was still denying who I was and I can no longer live like that. With this divorce, I feel like I’m gaining another shot to be me. To be real—and what I feel for you is most definitely the real thing. What we share is like no other feeling that I have experienced. I’m getting a chance to live life the way that I have always wanted to live—no lies. I don’t have to hide how I feel about women, but most of all, how I feel about you. And when I thought about what I had done to you by walking away, I realized that I was still hiding and being ashamed of who I was.”
“Chris, I wasn’t asking you to declare your love for me to the broccoli. I was only saying hi.”
“I know baby, but I freaked out. I panicked. I know this will sound like an excuse, but Michael had been riding my ass so hard during that time and when I saw you, I freaked. I was thinking, Oh God, the detective is going to see me talking with you and Michael is going to take my kids. I punked out, Jae. There is no other reason, except that one. I simply punked out and I’m sorry.”
I looked away, trying to gather my thoughts. I didn’t really know what to say. I was shocked and speechless. I loved her more than anyone in this world and I wanted to be with her. I was willing to wait in the sidelines for her until she got everything taken care of with her divorce. I was willing to be her support system and her confidant. I was even willing to stand there beside her every step of the way through this divorce, if she asked. But, I was not willing to be disrespected once again by her outright refusal to acknowledge me. “How can I be sure that you wouldn’t turn your back on me and what we share if things got really hard,” I asked genuinely concerned.
She shrugged her shoulders and took my hands. “All I can give you is my heart and my word, Angel. That’s all I have to give.”
I sighed. “Okay,” I whispered. I felt the tears stinging the back of my eyes and I dropped my head. I knew that she loved me and I knew that I loved her, but I was now the one that was scared. I wanted to be there for her every step of the way because I loved her with my all, but I wondered if she really could handle this.
I knew that it was hard living life as a lesbian, especially for a woman of her social status because she was always in the public’s eye. What if she couldn’t handle the pressure? Or what if she couldn’t deal with how Michael was throwing her sexuality back in her face and using it against her in court? What if this really wasn’t the life for her?
I felt her fingers beneath my chin, raising my face so that my eyes could meet hers. I looked into her eyes and I saw everything that I needed to see. I saw how much she loved me. Her eyes glistened from unshed tears and she moved in closer to me, allowing her lips to touch mine. I closed my eyes and the kiss seemed to remove every doubt in my mind. As our lips connected once again, it felt like our hearts were connecting once again. I was home in her arms.
She pulled me close to her and wrapped her arms tight around me, and ran her fingers casually up and down my spine. She nuzzled my neck and said, “I’m sorry for the way that I acted. I’m sorry that I was a coward and walked away from you. I’m sorry that I didn’t stand up for our love from the beginning. I’m sorry for not having faith in our love and knowing that it could stand any trial that it endured, as long as we were both strong enough to endure it. I’m sorry for it all.
“I love you. I adore you and I want to eventually make you my life once all of this is over. Please, stand beside me through all of this and I’ll stand beside you for the rest of our lives as a faithful friend, lover, confidant, and partner. Don’t ever leave me baby girl. You’re my life. You’re my breath of fresh air when everything else around me reeks of drama. I’ve tried to live without you and I can’t. I love you and I need you. Please don’t leave me, my sweet Angel.”
I snuggled closer into her warmth and whispered back into her ear, “I won’t, Boo Bear,” I said, feeling my throat constrict from the love I felt for her. I won’t ever leave you.”
I walked into the house from a long day, thinking how it was good to be home. I closed the door and walked further into the house, to be greeted by the smell of Chris’ famous lasagna wafting from the kitchen, the contradicting bass of a blasting stereo and the sound of the Playstation coming from the boys’ room.
“I’m home,” I yelled.
Minutes later, Chris turned the corner from the kitchen and greeted me with a kiss, while the boys ran in from the other room—the youngest tackling me with a hug, while the oldest showed me his latest karate move. I cheered for Michael, Jr. the oldest, as I pulled Jonathon, the youngest into my arms and gave him a big bear hug.
Chris led me to the couch and removed my shoes and began massaging my feet. “Hmmm, that feels good, babe,” I quietly moaned, watching the boys compete for attention in the middle of the living room floor. I laughed at their competitiveness because there was no way that one would allow the other to outdo him.
I leaned back against the arm of the couch and propped my feet in her lap. I smiled because I was finally home—safe and secure in the love of my wife and my two boys.
Copyright © 2003. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.