How the hell did I let this shit get this far? I never mess with woman who doesn’t already know the game and this is the main reason why. I don’t even know why I’m still sitting on this got damn sofa still wasting my breath. Yes I do its right in front of my face. Look at her, five foot two inches of brown skin, a gorgeous smile, manicured nails and toes, long hair., laid back but sophisticated and smart. Breasts that were not too much and not too little, a small waist, an ass that was…..mmmm and the sex….the sex is too good, that’s why I’m in the situation I’m in now--sitting here actually going back and forth with her ass. We’ve never raised our voices at each other like this. Shit, we never argued this damn hard before, but I should have known this shit was going to happen. I’m getting more and more pissed of by the second and of all the damn songs to be playing, “Lil Secret” is playing in the background. Ain’t that about a bitch. ~
“You act like I don’t fucking exist.” I’m getting aggravated and my emotions are spinning. I know these aren’t tears in my eyes. I’m stronger than this shit. I never let a chick get in my head like this.
“It wasn’t like that Toni, you know I didn’t mean it like that, I…”
“You what? You wanted me to just sit there and act like I was just a friend. Did you want me to play like I haven’t seen and put my mouth on every inch of your body? Why the hell do you need the approval of other people? Ayiana, I could understand this if it was 10 months ago, it was a whole knew thing for you, but damn we’ve been together for a fucking year and a half.” I was seriously getting tired of this conversation, yet I couldn’t get my ass up off the damn sofa.
“Toni, I’m sorry, I never meant for it to seem that way. You heard the conversation. I just never got the chance to tell them.”
“Who the hell are you trying to convince? I hope the hell it ain’t me, because I’m not buying that bullshit. You need to stop playing mind games with yourself. You had every opportunity to tell who the fuck ever you wanted.”
“When Toni, tell me when I had all the opportunity to tell who ever I wanted since you know so much.”
She’s actually staring at me like she really wants me to answer that stupid ass question. Why the fuck am I actually going to answer this shit too.
“How about when your mother asked how the fuck were you doing or when your best friend asked why ya’ll ain’t hung out in a while. You could have said something then. You could have been a grown woman and told your parents and your friend a year ago, but you weren’t, you acted like a little girl and kept me a secret.” I stood up, put my Timbs on and picked my shirt up off the back of the sofa. I was too hot to put it on so I just stayed in my tank and draped it across my shoulder. This shit was getting out of control and I don’t have time for it. I knew I should have just let her ass alone, when I met her in the first place.
“That’s crazy Toni, I’m not keeping you a secret. My neighbors have seen us together, your neighbors have seen us together, hell everyone I work with knows who you are and that we are together Toni. I don’t understand why you are tripping. Baby please, don‘t give up on me. Don‘t think that I don‘t love you, because I do. I…I don’t know…I guess I’m still trying to understand what happened to my life and how it turned out to be. It happened so fast.” The tears in her eyes and the dazed look on her face told me she wished those words hadn’t come out at all.
“So you regret giving me the chance to show you love. You regret facing the fact that a woman can know your body, please you and love better than a man. You regret me giving you a life of your own or at least trying too. I guess this whole fucking relationship was just some type of fucking experience you wanted to try. Now that you’ve got what you wanted your done. You wanna let go.” I was getting too mad, I had to leave before I ended up saying something I regretted.
“Baby wait, don’t leave please. I swear it wasn’t……it isn’t like that, I really love you and I want us to work out. I just need a little more time, why can’t you understand that?”
I just looked at her, because her words pushed me over the fucking edge. She knew it too. Her eyes started tearing up again and she started to say something but the words only came out in jumbles. This was headed in a dreadful end, I knew and she knew it. My mind had so much shit racing through it right then and yet the only thing that stood out the most was…leave….leave Toni. Leave before it’s too late. I couldn’t though.
“Why can’t I understand? Damn, I should have left. “What I can’t understand is why you wasted your time and most of all mine. Why couldn’t you just be woman enough to tell me I’m not what you wanted? Because trust me, I could have dealt without all the bullshit. I feel like I’m in a fucking soap opera. You let what other motherfuckers might think about you, stop you from being happy. Why the fuck…..You know what, I’m done wasting my breath and my time. I walked out the door. I must have pulled it a little too hard because when it closed I heard the pictures by the door fall from the wall. I kept walking to the car and got in; as much as I wanted to turn back my pride wouldn’t let me do it. She wasn’t sure of what she wanted and I don’t deal with people like that. Either you know what you want and go for it or you don’t and leave it alone. Right now, I’m leaving it alone.
I heard the car door open and then close. I wanted to stop her, I wanted to make her stay her with me. I wanted to show her just how much she meant to me and how much I loved her, but my feet were very laggard. I couldn’t move out of that one spot.. I fell to my knees and put my hands over my face to attempt to block the screams that wanted to break out. What the hell am I doing? Why am I just sitting here letting her drive away, I love her. I love her, but I didn’t do anything to stop her from leaving?
I could hear her car driving off a few minutes later. “Damn.” she had been sitting out there this whole time and I was so caught up in my mind I didn’t even listen to see if the car had even started. I got up and ran to the door, but it was too late by the time I got out there. She was already turning the corner. I ran back in inside to see if I could catch her on her cell before she got to far down the road. Two minutes later her cell phone was vibrating and playing Nelly’s “My Place” on my end table. I just can’t get a fucking break.
I thought about calling her home number, but I doubt she made it home that fast. Then again, she never was a slow driver. I got her voice mail:
You caught me at a bad time, leave a message and I’ll get back to you. ‘Yiana, baby if it’s you, you know what to do.
When the hell did she do this? I never really had to call her home because she was at my place majority of the time. I can’t let her go like that, I just can’t. “Baby, it’s me. I don’t know what to say but I’m sorry. I never realized how much more you meant to me until the reality of you not being there anymore hit home. I love you , baby and I don’t wanna let you go. You mean more than you think to me and I promise I’m making a change. I’m changing right now as I leave this message. Don’t let it go, give another try. Love you.”
This can’t be it. It doesn’t feel right. I have to do something. Damn it’s raining outside. I gotta see her. I can’t just sit here and wonder. I grabbed my keys, threw on my Nikes and ran out the house. “SHIT” I forgot to get an umbrella. It didn’t matter. I started the car and sped off. I should have known better being that it was raining. As soon as I tried to turn the corner the tires skipped and I almost lost control. Slow down ‘Yiana. Twenty minutes later I was pulling up to Toni’s house. I didn’t see her car and I started to panic a little, but then it could be in the garage it is raining. I got out and ran to the door. It was pouring outside, you know the kind of rain, that even when you have an umbrella you still get wet. I was getting soaked and all I was wearing was a sports bra , some Softee dance shorts and my Nike’s. I knocked on the door at least ten times and she didn’t answer. I couldn’t hold the tears from falling any more.
“She’s not here. That or she doesn’t want me anymore.” I walked to the car but I didn’t get inside. I just stood there in the rain as memories of us flashed in my head. I really did love her. Is stared at the house for a few more minutes and then I got in and left. The whole ride home I was wondering that one phrase everyone wonders when something goes wrong in a relationship…..what if. What if I had stopped her? What if I had said something to my family? What if I would have told her how much I loved her and I really didn’t want to lose her. Well, the what if’s can’t help the right now can it. I didn’t think so either. I didn’t even bother to run to the door when I got home. I press the alarm button on the car and walk. When I got in the house I didn’t even bother to take the wet clothes off. I just sat down on the living room floor and cried. I picked up the phone and dial her number one more time just to see if she’d answer, but she didn’t. It was over and it was my fault.
I had to talk to someone, so I called my mother. Hey, it’s better late then never, right.
“Mommy,” I was trying to sound as clear as the tears would let me.
“Hey pumpkin, are you ok, what‘s wrong?” I could tell I woke her up, hell it was only nine o’clock, but my mother has always been the type that when the sun went down she went down. My father and I joked about it all the time.
“Mommy, I lost Toni.”
“What do you mean you lost him sweetie?”
“That’s just it, he is a she and because I couldn’t have the courage to tell you a year ago, I lost her now.”
“Toni is a woman?”
“Yes, ma'am.” I swear that was the hardest thing to do, but I feel a whole lot better. I don’t feel burdened and guilty any more. “I was scared to tell you, I thought that I would lose you and dad.”
“Listen to me baby and you listen good, you can’t help who you love. No matter how hard you try or anyone else your heart will always get the best of ya’ and it don’t matter how anyone else feel about it baby, it’s what you feel about it. No one else is gonna live your life but you. As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters to me.”
“I love you mommy. Thank you for understanding, but I think it’s a little too late for me and Toni.”
“Baby ain’t anything ever too late. If it was meant to be then it was meant to be. There’s a reason for ya’ll breaking up like you did, if you hadn’t you wouldn’t be feeling ten pounds lighter right now.”
“You right, ma. I’m glad we got the chance to talk, but I have to go and get out these wet clothes. I’ll talk to you some other time. I love you.”
“Alright baby. You hold on now. Listen to your own heart and mama loves you too.”
I got up and put the phone on the base on the end table. I cut off all the lights downstairs and locked the rest of the locks on the door. I took my shoes off at the front door to remind me to take them out in the morning and went upstairs. My eyes were hurting from all the crying. I stopped in the bathroom, I figured I’d put the wet clothes in the hamper in there instead of the room. I examine my eyes for a minute and made a mental note, my first priority was to get a facial tomorrow morning. I turned out the bathroom light and walked into the bedroom. I took my watch and the rest of my jewelry off and sat it on the nightstand next to the bed. I lay on my stomach and touch the lamp until it turned off.
“I knew you loved me and I knew I could never leave you that easily. Just as you said in your message, you mean more to me than I thought you did too. I love you baby.”
At first I thought I was hallucinating, but the sound of her steps and the smell of “Crush” was all too real. I rolled over onto my back and watched Toni reach the bed at the same time. I sat up holding the sheet with one hand and reaching out to her with the other. She took off her clothes and got in the bed beside me.
“I went to your house and no one answered. I thought you didn’t want to speak to me any more.”
“I was going home but my love for you only let me get so far before I turned around. I guess we crossed paths. “
“I told my mother what happened and no I didn’t need her approval I just needed someone to talk to. She was the first person to come to my mind.”
“I know, I was checking my messages up here when you came in the house. Which by the way, you forgot to lock.”
I couldn’t say anything. For the second time that night I was speechless. I fought the tears forming in my eyes and the heavy breathing I was starting to do. Toni rolled over on top of my and I opened my legs just enough for her to lie between. She lay to the side on one elbow and looked me in my eyes. I loved her eyes. They were hazel with little speaks of green. She was sexy in my eyes. From her long braids to her toned and cut body. She must have known what was going through my mind because she smiled and shook her head.
“What’s so funny?”
“I know what you’re thinking.”
“Yeah, what am I thinking?”
She tilted my head to the side and slowly brought her lips to mine. She knows that, unlike normal people, is my biggest spot. She laid her body completely on top of mine and I opened my legs a little wider to feel the head of her strap sitting at the opening of my already wet pussy. I rolled her over on to her back and she grabbed my ass. I bent over and whispered in her ear, “Let me show you how much I would have missed you” then licked the rim of her ear with the tip of my tongue. She let out a deep moan and I felt her body shiver. I kissed her slowly and sucked on her tongue. I moved to her necked and nibbled on her neck until I felt her hands graze down the middle of my back--another g-spot of mine. I kept kissing further and further down stopping right above her navel. I swirled my tongue and the outside, then grazed the tip of it on the inside and made a trail down to her dick. I circled around the head a little brushing my tongue back and forth, while she squirmed from anticipation.
I went to the bottom of her dick and liked her like she was a melting Popsicle and when I got to the top I did what you would normally do. I slurped her up into my mouth and watched as her eyes grow big. I put her all in my mouth and came back up to the top. Sucked on the head a bit and new I had her stuck. I went further down and slid her strap to the side. I parted her lips and made circles around her clit with my tongue while sucking it.
“Baby, you can’t keep doing this to me.” She was trying to hold it in but I knew I was giving it to good. I put a bit more speed to my already fast stride and licked on top and to the sides. Where I know is her spot.
“Damn, baby if you don’t stop….” She was damn near there, her voice always drop when she‘s close to cumming. I could feel her body tensing up and she started to pull my hair, it wouldn’t be long. I used my hand and spread her pussy lips a little more to make her swollen clit show more. I sucked on it, slowed my tongue down to a steady rhythm and she started to fuck my face.
"Ooh. damn, baby. Stay right there. Mmm, yeah. I’m cum--” I waited until she stopped trembling before I stopped pleasing her spots. She lay still for a minute and I crawled up on top of her and stuck my tongue in her mouth. She rolled me over and I wrapped my legs around her.
“It’s my turn now.” She looked at me and smiled.
“Make it good.”
“You know me baby, I’m always good.”
She flipped me over and traced her tongue down my back. Making the throbbing between my legs pound. I felt the wetness of my pussy. The juices were flowing out of my just by her touch. She reached into my nightstand drawer and grabbed a tube of cherry liquid.
“Get in daddy’s favorite position.” Damn, I love when she starts to talk dirty to me. I got in the doggy style position, spread my legs and arched my back real deep. Toni poured the liquid down over my ass and watched it drip down into my shaved pussy lips, mixing with my juices she already created. She put the bottle down and made one long slow stroke from my clit to the top of my ass with her pierced tongue. I damn near fell over with the shivers. Toni wrapped her arms around my legs and did it again, this time staying at my pussy hole long enough to tongue fuck me a bit. The friction of her tongue and that ring had me about to explode already.
“Toni, baby, that feels so good.”
“You like that?”
“Turn over and lay on your back.”
“My pussy’s tingling. This shit, what ever it was, was heating up and making my pussy feel good.
“Open up for me” Toni grabbed my ass and pulled my pussy to her face. She opened my pussy lips with her thumb and her finger and blew on me clit. That shit made me hit the headboard. A sensation went through my that made my nipples tingle.
“Baby….” that was about all I could get out.
“I know baby, just sit back and relax it’s suppose to do that.”
“But baby . . .”
“I’m about to cum.” She stuck two fingers inside me and licked at my pussy lips until her tongue found what it was looking for inside. She stroked my clit with her tongue in the same pass as her fingers. I was ready to climax. I felt that famous cloudy haze fall over me and my legs started to shake. Toni tightened her grip on me and stroked her tongue faster. That was it. “Oh, my god…."
“I got it baby,” Toni replaced her fingers with her tongue and licked up every drop of cum that flowed out.
“Damn . . . baby.” I grabbed her dick and motioned for her to come inside.
“You ready for me?”
“How you want it?” I looked at her and she started smiling, because she knows how I like it.
“You gotta beat it from the back baby.”
“Ass up, face down.” I did just that. I told you I love it when she talks dirty. As soon as she slid in I started to cum. I love this position. Toni was stroking just the way I like it. Hitting all my spots and before I knew it, I was on orgasm number three. I started to feel her strokes get slower and longer. She only does that to slow her climax, so I started throwing it back.
“Oh shit, baby. Wait…fuck.”
“Take this pussy."
“Cum all on daddy dick, baby. Shit, this pussy good.”
“Mmm, cum for me, baby.”
“Fuck! I’m cum--"
We fell over, her on top of me and me half way off the bed. She pulled me on the bed and I lay on her chest and wrapped my leg over her thighs. Damn, that was the best sex I ever had.
“You alright, baby?” Toni was holding me and rubbing on my arm.
“Yeah, I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.” She kissed my forehead and I fell asleep just like that. There was nothing hindering my mind and bothering me when I closed my eyes. I was in my woman arms and that’s all that mattered.
Copyright © 2003. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.