Love is like a one-way street, with dark corners, and alley-ways tempting you into the shadows. If you're "lucky" enough to be a passenger on this wild ride, make sure you wear your seatbelt, and never take your eyes off the road. I was once that passenger and, when the car wrecked . . . I unfortunately didn't come out unscathed.
She was tall, muscular, with skin like caramel. Light brown eyes, short hair, and lips that begged to be kissed. Lynn. The name lingers on the tongue. Our romance began a year ago in the spring, the time of love and new beginnings. Sitting in the grass in the park one April afternoon, a football landed at my feet. The person who came to retrieve the ball did more than just catch my eye.
"I'm so sorry, did you get hit?"
"No, I'm fine thank you."
"Good. What's your name is you don't mind me asking?"
Extending my hand, "I'm Marissa, and you are?"
"It's nice to meet you Marissa. I'm Lynn." Her hands were as soft and smooth as her voice.
"The pleasure is all mine," I casually replied.
"Well, Marissa, I need to get back to my game, but I will be finished in a little while. Hopefully,you will still be here."
"I most certainly will."
And with that, she ran back to her game, which I ended up paying more attention to than my book. Watching the muscles in her arms contract as she dived after the ball, got my mind thinking things it probably shouldn't have been thinking this early in our meeting. About forty-five minutes later, the game was over, and Lynn was back at my side, sweaty and sexy as ever.
"Welcome back. That was a very interesting game to say the least."
"Thank you, I'm glad that I could entertain you. So tell me more about yourself, Ms. Marissa."
"I'm twenty-six years old, an only child, restaurant owner, dog lover, and free spirit."
"Hmmm," she paused before replying. "Nice start. Well, I'm twenty-eight, the baby of four, professional basketball player, and I am a free spirit as well."
The conversation continued until late in the evening, after the sun had gone down and everyone had left from the park. That conversation led to many, many more, and a blossoming romance that could only be compared to something out of a novel. Two weeks later, we were officially dating.
Up until this point we had only kissed, nothing deep and sexual, just friendly sweet kisses. Sometime around our sixth date, a night I will remember for as long as I live, our kisses became more meaningful. She had walked me to my door as she always had, and when she touched my cheek softly pulling me into the kiss, I noticed her hand trailing up my back, stopping on my neck, to deepen the kiss. Before I knew what was happening, we were falling into my house, pulling clothes off as we made our way back to the bedroom.
By the time we got there, she was down to her boxers and a sports bra. I, on the other hand, in nothing. She stepped back to look at me fully undressed, smile glazed over her face. All the while I was becoming increasingly self-conscious. It's not that I don't think I am attractive, but I have always been nervous about my physical appearance. In my own eyes too muscular, too thick. I'm fairly short, 5'3'', 130 pounds, a former runner with skin that could put the Hershey's people out of business. In that I still see flaws, but apparently in Lynn's eyes, there were none. By the time she had finished her survey of me, she was kissing my neck and touching every inch of my body she could. I felt myself moving backward slowly and with a quick step she lifted me off of my feet and carried me to my canopy bed, surrounded by sheer drapery.
Laying me on my back, she began at my feet, kissing my heels, soles, toes, working her way up to my ankles. By the time she reached the back of my knees, I was in pure ecstasy. Moaning, I was on the verge of screaming as her tongue danced about the backs of my legs.
"Lynn," my voice laced with desire.
"Not yet baby, I have waited so long to touch you like this. I have to take my time to savor this moment."
The rest of my words became incoherent jumbles and non-descript ramblings. The more she touched me, the wetter my pussy got. As she sucked on each nipple, licking and nibbling she moved her leg between mine. Just when I got accustomed to her slow seduction, I felt her touch my clit, gently, to test my response I presume. I gasped, she laughed, this sadistic, mysterious laugh that I was so turned on by I didn't even care to question it. I felt her enter me, feeling how wet she made me, claiming my pussy as hers. And just as quickly as she entered, she was gone. Her finger was replaced by her lips. Those beautiful lips that begged to be kissed were now kissing my lips that also begged to be kissed. Spreading my pussy wider so that she could taste every part of me, I felt her tongue move deeper, exploring my body from the inside out, and as I started to cum, feeling my wetness drip down her chin, I knew this was no dream.
Turning me over on my stomach, she used the drapes to bind my hands to the headboard. As she lightly stroked my back, I purred, something I had not done for anyone in quite some time.
"I'll be right back, don't move, and don't panic. You have my word that I will return."
And with that, she drifted out of the room. A few minutes later, she was standing in the doorway, admiring her work. She swiftly moved over to the bed, sliding her body behind me. I felt her strap rest against my ass.
I arched my back, in evident response to the thought of her strapping on to fuck me. Before I could lower my ass she was holding my waist entering me slowly, but commanding my body's respect with her tight grasp. As deep as she could go, she began rocking back and forth. Setting this constant, teasing steady pace, that was driving me crazy. Rubbing my clit as she fucked me, I started to ease further and further back, falling into sync with her rhythm, gasping, moaning, and eventually screaming when she quickened her pace. Slamming into my pussy as far as she could go, until I came, shivering, under her embrace, breath heavy and uneven. Collapsing onto the bed with me, she held me in her arms, stroking my back until sleep overcame the both of us.
She was everything that I ever wanted to find in a woman, intelligent, honest, sexy, romantic, the list goes on and on. However, paradise is not forever, at least not in this lifetime.
I came home from the restaurant early yesterday evening, to do something romantic for Lynn. Lately she had been busy with practices, and I with catering and running the restaurant. I noticed her car was in the garage. I was surprised because I thought she would not be back for at least another three hours.
When I entered the house I noticed the stereo on, playing Floetry. All of the lights were on, but one thing that stuck out were the clothes littered the floor.
Something told me not to walk into the bedroom; however, ignoring my own gut feelings, I did. What my eyes saw next drained my soul of all feeling. Lynn--my Lynn--lost in a moment of naked writhing passion with another player from her team. The moment of passion ceased when my purse and the bottle of wine I was holding fell to the floor in a crash.
"Oh shit, Marissa!"
The only thing I knew to do was run. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them both rushing to get dressed, Lynn reaching out to me in the midst of clothing herself. I got to my car, started it, and drove straight through the garage door. I didn't know where I was going or when I was going to get there, I just knew that the image of my wife and another woman in our bed was enough to make me want to just run way from it all.
I found myself in a 6th floor room in the Embassy Suites, drunk beyond belief, crying my eyes out, and alone. I turned my phone off, called the restaurant and let them know "something came up' and I would be out of work for a while, I let them know where to contact me, but told them not to let anyone know my location. The following day, my assistant called me and told me that Lynn was looking for me and had called twenty plus times that morning alone, and refused to accept that I was not there. Even after showing up she still was not convinced and apparently made a scene that caused the police to be called.
My whole life was crashing in on top of me, and I had no energy or no way of knowing how to stop it, or fix it. When I finally turned on my phone it was about 7 pm, the voicemail was full the text inbox was full, and it was ringing as soon as it came on.
"Hello," my slurred speech was a product of an all night alcohol binge.
"Mar, where are you? I have been looking everywhere for you, no one will tell me where you are, and you haven't had your phone on."
"What the fuck do you want? Don't tell me you're worried about me now, I mean you weren't worried about me when you were laid up with that bitch in our bed so surely you couldn't really give a shit about me right now."
"Mar, about that, I'm..."
"About that? About that? What the fuck do you mean? You say it as if you lost something that belonged to me or broke my favorite mug. It's not that fucking simple, bitch you cheated on me. What the fuck do we have to discuss? I want you out of my fucking house by nine in the morning, don't take anything that doesn't belong to you, and leave your damn key under the mat."
What the fuck else did I really need to say? I just can't believe this is happening to me. How am I going to go on after this, there was so much planned, our wedding in eight months for starters.
Somehow I knew that she would not follow my directions and be out of my damn house by nine in the morning the following day.
"Lynn, why are you still here, I specifically told you to be out of my house."
"I know, I know that you told me to be out but I just had to see you, I had so much that I wanted to say, but now that I am looking in your eyes and seeing all the pain and anger all my words escape me."
"Then, that is obviously a sign that you should go."
"Mar, I'm so sorry, I swear to you that has never happened before with her or anyone else. She just came over to chat about the team and our upcoming game, and one thing just kind of led to another. I am so sorry, I don't know how I can ever make this up to you but I swear I am willing to spend the rest of my life trying to."
"You can start making it up to me by first getting the fuck out of my house." And with that I walked upstairs to run myself a bath I heard footsteps, the front door clicking, and I knew that she was finally gone, Unfortunately I knew that this whole situation was far from being over.
After finishing my bath, I dried off in the sunlight of my bay window. Pondering over the last 48 hours, and how something so beautiful could turn so ugly and destitute. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning my house from top to bottom, throwing away the sheets on my bed and spraying it with Lysol to perhaps rid my space of the dirt and negative energy. Later on in the day I went shopping. Shopping always eases my mind, gives me something else to think about besides whatever has me down to begin with.
I came home weighted down with bags. Bags that dropped to the ground when I saw my front porch, covered with wild flowers. They were in every color of the rainbow and then some. A path was cleared so that I would have no trouble making it to the door. Upon entering, I was enveloped in darkness. I knew I had left some lights on earlier, and now my house is completely dark, so dark I can't see beyond two feet in front of me. Suddenly, the lights come on.
The first thing I see is Lynn standing at the far wall.
"Mar, I know you told me to leave, but I just couldn't leave this situation like this. I couldn't leave you like this." She sounded so guilty, so meek.
"Lynn, I can't talk about this right now."
"Well, when can you talk about this? When will be the right time? Mar there is no 'right time' to talk about this. It was a fucked up thing to do, and I am here trying to make things right with you, and you won't even let me try to do that." Irritation coursed through her words.
"Lynn, did you ever stop to think that you would not have to go through all of this right now had you not slept with her to begin with?"
"Yes, I thought about that," she replied, sounding less irritated and more remorseful than before. "I just can't bear to think of what my life would be like without you. I fucked up bad, and baby this has never happened before. I swear on my life it never has. I don't know what I was thinking, and maybe the problem was that I wasn't."
"Were you lonely?"
"To some degree, yes I was. For weeks I have been trying to get you to pay some attention to me, just to talk. Hell, just to look at me when I'm here. No, that is no excuse for what I did, but perhaps it will help you to understand." Looking away sheepishly, she continued, "I did not invite her over with the intentions of sleeping with her, especially not in our, I mean your, bed."
"Lynn, I just don't know how I can ever forgive, much less forget something like this."
"I know, it will take time."
"Time doesn't fix everything, neither does love."
"Mar, I know I am willing to spend the rest of my life trying to fix this. Trying to find a way for you to love me again, without reservations."
"Just, just stay here for a second." I said as I made my way up the stairs.
When I returned, she was sitting on the couch, face in her hands, when she heard me enter the room she sat up with a jolt. I was wearing my would-be wedding dress. A white Renaissance style dress, with a bodice, and adjoined by a white corset, making the dress flare at my hips, with a 6 foot train.
"This is what I would have worn to our wedding," I began. "I had it made to my specifications, down to the very last detail."
Seeing her mouth drop to the floor was priceless. "Mar," was all she could get out in barely a tone higher than a whisper.
"It's all a waste now, this dress is meaningless." I stormed away, throwing myself onto my bed in a mass of tears.
Not noticing that Lynn had entered the room, I felt her stroking my back, wiping away my tears, and for a brief second I forgot what I was upset about getting lost in her touch. I turned over on my back, looking her dead in the eyes, and slapped her. So hard I could see the outline of where my hand landed. She held her face, looking at me with sadness in her eyes.
"I deserved that Mar,"
"Just get away from me.".
I rose from the bed attempting to leave the room and she grabbed my arms, attempting to make me stay. When I started hitting her chest fighting to be out of her grasp she grabbed my arms, pushing me back to the bed with more force than she had ever used on me before. Still holding my arms to keep me from hitting her, she kissed me, deeply. I bit her lip. When she grabbed my neck, and saw the fear in my eyes she had a brief look of remorse, but didn't loosen her grasp.
She continued to kiss me, softer this time, passionately, still trying to hold me to keep me from hitting her. I was caught up in the love I had for her, and how wonderful it felt to be kissed by her. I soon came to my senses, breaking the kiss abruptly and sliding away from her.
"Don't kiss me with the same mouth you used on her. I don't know where she's been, and with the current situation, I don't know where the fuck you've been either."
She released me, obviously affected by my words. I moved to get off my bed, and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and cleanse myself of her touch. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I mildly enjoyed that kiss, fortunately I was disgusted enough not to enjoy it enough to continue it beyond that.
When I emerged from the bathroom, Lynn was gone, and she wasn't downstairs either. All that was left was a note:
Marissa, understand that I hurt you, I know that this is probably beyond repair, so I left to give you the space you need. I won't call or come by anymore. You know where to find me when you are ready to talk, and if that moment never comes, just know that I love you more than life itself, and nothing in the world is worth losing you.
I stopped thinking about Lynn. Two months had passed without us speaking to each other or even seeing one another, and I didn't care. I was finally picking up the pieces and moving on with my life. I thought everything was going to be okay, until I made the mistake of going to Sin. Sin, a local black lesbian hangout known for its infamous Freaky Friday parties, is where my world came to an abrupt stop.
While sitting at the bar, on the second round of tequila sunrises with Gina, one of my best friends from college, Lynn walked in. Surprisingly enough she came in alone. I tried to avert my gaze and turn my back before I was recognized. Unfortunately, I didn't move fast enough. I felt her make her way over to me, silently hoping she would just keep walking.
"It's been a long time Mar. How are you?" She sounded sincere in her inquiry.
"I'm okay Lynn, how is life treating you?"
"Shitty, but that is neither here nor there." She wasn't lying about that, she was playing like shit, and about to get traded to another team.
"I'm sorry to hear that." I thought to myself, I'm not sorry and I could give a fuck less. I hope life is treating you as badly as you did me.
"Can we talk in private?" She said, glancing over at Gina, who at that point was looking at Lynn in disgust.
"Sure. Gina, I'll be right back"
"Mmhmm. Call me if you need me, okay?" She said never taking her eyes off of Lynn.
As soon as we stepped outside to the patio, she pulled me into her arms. "Mar, I'm sorry. My world has been hell without you. I understand now just how badly that I hurt you. I understand why you couldn't forgive me then. I know that things were perfect between us, and that night my mistake destroyed everything. I don't know how I can ever earn your trust again, but please just give me a chance to prove to you that I will never hurt you again."
"I don't know Lynn, I just, I don't know."
"Don't think, Mar; just follow your heart." She pressed her hand to my chest.
Gazing into her eyes, I could see sincerity, pain, and longing. "Okay, Lynn, I am willing to give this a try. For our sake, not yours."
I left the club that night, telling Gina that I would give her a call in the morning. She seemed unhappy with my leaving, but I knew that there was a lot that Lynn and I needed to discuss.
We eventually worked things out, and I slowly, very slowly regained trust in her. I must admit it wasn't easy. It took a lot of nights of crying, and constant phone calls on my part, but we made it out. She surpassed my expectations, always there to reassure me that nothing like that would ever happen again.
Our love became stronger than before, and I haven't looked back since.
Copyright © 2005. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.