I was supposed to be a happily married woman.( If that is how you choose to look at it.) But I never realized how unhappy I was until true happiness came my way.
I had a very successful wife, Daya, that has an extremely successful law firm of more than 150 people. She was well known in the lesbian community of New York City and had always been. She was tough, incredibly intelligent, talented, and beautiful more on the outside than the inside. As soon as she became successful, I became the backburner. I am not trying to sound spoiled because what I had in her I knew was genuine, but my job and my interests seemed uninteresting compared to her having closed the big deal with “such and such” corporation or being invited to a dinner party from “such and such inc.”
This particular time we had to attend a gala for a gay rights organization in which she was the special guest and of course I had to attend. I chose a red Vera Wang styled dress but she made didn’t like it, and instead I had to wear a black dress. She said black showed power, and even though I was “just a school teacher”, she needed to look as if she had a powerful woman on her arm. Anyways, I told her not to leave me when she went inside cause truthfully I had gotten tired of being “left behind” in a sense while she mingled with future clients and whatnot.
When we walked in, I suppose her “look of success” was achieved, but she did what I asked her not to do… she left me. I was left standing there with a wine glass in my hand. I glanced over at her and she was standing with Eradale Majins. She was the CEO and founder of Majins Paper Corporation. She made it clear to me when I first began to date Daya that she wanted her and what she wanted she always got. The way that they were standing and talking with each other, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Miss Majins hadn’t already gotten what she wanted. I suppose I stood there for an hour or two just looking at Daya, knowing that she seen me over here by myself. Instead her and Eradale walked upstairs, I suppose to have a “more private chat”.
I don’t know what had happened to me and Daya. I mean before her whole success she would have never just walked away from me or not introduced me as her wife or something. If I walked over there, it would probably be a scene. Instead I walked out. Since Daya was just so oblivious to my feelings, I was leaving.
I went back to our apartment and stripped that damn ugly and hot as hell black dress to the floor. I was fed up. How much of the long nights at home by myself was I going to take? Going to different events that were important to me by myself? Going to these stupid galas where all the people look down on me because I am nothing more than a damn teacher? I was successful too.
I had put myself through college and was one of the most well liked elementary school teachers in my district. Besides that I was being considered as assistant principal. But that meant nothing to her. She felt I was still making a lousy salary and helping children in a low income district who had no hope for their future. She never stopped to think how low she made me feel when I would try to bring up having kids and she would look at me with her big gray eyes and say, “Virginia that isn’t possible.”
I was on my 5th glass of wine when she came walking in at approximately 2 a.m. (Some party that must have been.) She had her jacket on her arm and she had the nerve to roll her eyes at me.
“Did you just roll your eyes at me Daya?”
“Yes I did because you had me and about 15 other guests looking for you before I decided to make up a lie that you went home because of a headache.”
“Well Daya you didn’t have to lie for me, and above all you didn’t have to leave me.”
“I didn’t leave you Virginia. You saw me and you could have walked over there to chat it up with my future clients, and by the way I closed the deal with Eradale Majins.”
“Why am I not surprised?”, I said in a very smart ass tone of voice.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”, she yelled back.
“Don’t yell at me Daya, I am not your fucking kid.”, I said as calmly as I could.
“Well you’re acting like one. Just cause you have a lousy job and all you’re used to is talking to kids 8 and younger, doesn’t mean that you have to start acting like them.”
Tears began to roll down my face and right then I had decided that I had enough. I got up and went into our bedroom and she knew exactly what was about to take place. I grabbed the suitcases and began to throw shit in them. I pulled off my robe and put on some jeans. I was getting the hell out of here. The last thing I needed at that moment or period in my life was some bitch who was going to throw up my job and say it was lousy. Matter of fact she smelled like another woman’s “scent”, and I had in mind whose “scent” it probably was.
I walked past her with my bags and she just stared at me. You know that was supposed to be her part where she said, “Don’t go” or something to that liking. Instead she looked at me as if she was challenging me to leave. So I put my key on the table and walked out.
Some Weeks Later
I missed Daya but I bluffed it up to saying I was just in the habit of having her around. Honestly I don’t even know why I missed her but I just know that I did. I ended up getting the promotion and I was enjoying being the assistant principal. It was a fun loving job.
Ms. Johannes our ancient music teacher took an early retirement and this particular day the new music teacher would check out our little niche here at MLK Elementary. She was supposed to be here at 8 but it was now 9 and I had other things to do. The door opened and I looked up.
“Can I help you?”
“I am Miss Barberrosa, the new music teacher.”
I was confused. This girl was “family”. Her haircut and even the way she wore her jeans screamed lesbian. Not that I discriminated against lesbians being teachers because hell I was one and so was about 60% of the staff. She just didn’t look as if she would be a teacher.
I mean she had her own id type look. She had dark hair and very olive skin. She had green eyes that made you want to embrace them and a smile that made me forget that she was an hour late, interrupting me from what I was doing, and forgot to knock on the door before she walked in.
“Ok Miss Barberrosa I’ll show you around, and you can call me Virginia.”
“Les,” she said.
“Excuse me,” I turned around abruptly.
“You can call me Les,” she said.
(I touched my cheeks and realized I had mistaken what she was saying, as you can see. What was this girl doing to me? Trust that it was nothing compared to what she was going to do to me.)
I noticed when she smiled that she had a tongue ring, with a rainbow ball on top. Oh yes ma’am Miss Les was definitely “family”. I thought it kind of odd for her to have a tongue ring and be a music teacher. (But you know those “artsy” types as my mama used to say.)
I proceeded to take her around to the other parts of the school. I showed her where her stomping grounds would be and we both peeked in the room looking at how miserable the children seemed to look. They had been assigned a substitute, whom I think was sleep. The kids were watching a movie that looked as if it was made in the 80s and we all know how today’s children are.
“Tsk, can I start now?”, she said.
I looked at her in amazement. She really took teaching music serious, if she was willing to walk in a classroom where the attention of the kids was lost in their own little doodling imaginations. I mean what was I going to do, tell her “no, because I have to lecture you on rules and regulations of our school system, district, state, etc. b.s.” So I did what any good principal who cared more about the children than hearing themselves talk would do, I told her yes.
“Make sure that you stop by my office later on so that we can go over proper procedures and any questions you care to discuss I will….”
I was just talking to hear myself talk by this time because she was not listening. She walked into the classroom and turned on the light switch. The kids immediately perked up and responded. Their eyes began to glow as she pranced and jumped around the room. I thought her actions to be way out of the norm, but when you face it, “norm” was one of those words that probably had never been in her vocabulary.
Easy enough the day went by and I checked on her from time to time but she had no trouble. She was professional and when she walked in my office at a quarter till 5, I realized she had taken out her tongue ring. I was glad at that though because I had seen too many teachers come through MLK that wanted to do their own thing and not abide by rules. She listened as I spoke and when the meeting was over I got my briefcase and jacket and walked to my car.
I heard blues coming from some part of the building. I went back inside and followed it to her room where she was putting up music symbols onto her bulletin board. I walked in and turned down her music.
“You know Les, I appreciate your enthusiasm in preparation for your class but you should probably get home and get some rest. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. You have the fourth graders tomorrow, and their class is tough.”
“Well Virginia, (I loved how she said my name.), I think I can handle them. You’re probably right about resting up though. I need to get out of here. But before you go, you want to grab a bite to eat.”
I stared at her. What was this game this girl was trying to play with me? I am pretty sure she knew that I was a lesbian, considering I had embarrassed myself earlier on with the comment and her name. But asking me to dinner was a step gone too far. I had chosen not to ever put my private life in the public. That was a choice that I had made because I didn’t want to have to explain, and personally I didn’t have the energy to give in to how other people would choose for me to live my life.
Just as I was about to answer she came at it with a different angle.
“If you are a lesbian, and I know that you are, we can go to dinner. But if you’re not a lesbian we can still go to dinner.”, she said with a smart alick tone.
I smiled. “Well Les, I am a lesbian, but I don’t play musical chairs with those whom I am on the same team with.”, and I walked out.
I left her there looking at me, probably trying to figure me out. Good luck to her. She knew that I was feeling her but from that day on I promised myself to never ever show in liking of any kind towards her, except on a strictly professional principal to teacher relationship.
That night as I lied in my bed, I wondered why this night I wished for someone to be with me. Ultimately I had been doing good and I missed Daya at times. But was it enough to actually be put down for what I love. I would make my love…work. It was the only thing I knew would love me back, and I could not disappoint it.
A couple of months went by and it was all good until the head principal was in a terrible car crash that put her on bed rest for 3 months. This would be my time to prove to myself and the school board that I could run my little eagle’s nest. But why is it when it is your “time to shine” that everything has to go wrong.
This particular day I had one too many fights with the same three kids, and a parent-teacher-(and unfortunately) principal conference that ended with too much screaming, not enough listening, and a migraine that bitched me out.
I retreated to the teacher’s lounge along with a bottle of water and some headache medicine. I knew no teachers would be in there because it was in the middle of third period. Of course while I was sitting on the couch zoning out, Les would walk in.
She came in and sat right up on me on the couch. All that space in the room and she just had to sit next to me.
“Les I had a long ass day and I am not in the mood for your childhood antics in the teacher’s lounge.”
“What antics Virginia? Because I want to sit next to a divine beauty like yourself.”
I got up right then. It was enough that I had taken bullshit all day but I didn’t have to take hers. I decided I was going to leave.
“Are you running from me Virginia?, she asked.
“No I don’t run from anything but I told you that I am not in the mood and I am not.”
“Then why Virginia, I must ask, are you still looking at me as if you wish that you were still sitting beside me on this couch accidentally brushing your leg against my knee?”
Was she serious? I looked at her and rolled my eyes, and I mean hard. Cocky little shit she was. Once again, she didn’t know me very well. I was not in the mood and you know how a sister, or rather any woman is when she just wants the world to step the hell off. In my case, I wouldn’t have minded stepping off from myself.
I went back to my office and got through with paperwork after I had asked the secretary not to send me any phone calls through to my line unless someone was dying. In the last period of the day the secretary called me to tell me that Les needed me in her room because another fight had broke out. Just when I when I thought my day couldn’t get any worst.
I walked down to her classroom and the kids were sitting there. I didn’t see any fight and Les was sitting on her stool with her guitar. I walked in and the kids began to sing “You Are My Sunshine” in 3 part harmony. Not only that but they sung it in Swahili. I had to smile. I mean the kids were great and Les’s smile was radiant. I clapped when they finished and told Les thank you. She winked and I swear, my heart skipped a bar of beats.
School was finally through for the day, thank God, and I was rushing out of that place to get home. They had really beat me up today and I just wanted to get home. I walked to my car and on the driver’s side sat a beautiful yellow rose. Only Daya knew that I loved yellow roses but I hadn’t heard from her in forever. I turned around and she was standing there in “regular” clothes.
“Why are you here?”, I asked. I was getting straight to business because I knew that she knew that I knew she wanted something.
“Virginia Jacques I need you. My life has been so dull since you have been gone. I mean I know I messed up and I could have made life really better for you….and I know you love your little job.”
See this is where I totally forgot anything she said. My job was not little. That showed to me that she still had no regard to the passion of my job and she felt it was not equal to hers. Not just that, I looked at my rose and thought how beautiful and innocent and pure it was. But that meant nothing. She wasn’t beautiful to me and the innocence and purity of our love had been scarred and repeatedly bruised time and time again.
Some would call me crazy, but those who know the sanctity of love that I am talking about, understand why I walked away from her. I put my finger to her mouth and hushed her. I put the rose in her hand and got in my car. As I drove away I watched her out of my rearview mirror as she stood there not ever knowing that our love that was there in the beginning was devoured by her selfishness and my intolerance of it.
I got home and took a long hot bath. As I was stepping out, the doorbell rang. I knew it was Daya and I was not about drama tonight. I didn’t want to argue. I just wanted some peace. Can’t a girl just get some time to reflect and relax? I opened the door in my robe and Les was standing there. How did she even know where I lived? But before I could even ask her, I did the unthinkable.
I don’t know what happened in me to make me wrap my arms around the neck of this…stranger, but I did. Whatever it was, I hoped that it would still be present when the consequences of that action rolled around.
She wrapped her long arms around my waist and pulled me back inside my apartment. She closed the door behind us without even taking her hands away from my love handles. No words were spoken. None were needed. Her aqua colored eyes with all of their intensity and sensuousness said everything that was going to happen was greatly consented.
She did something that was abnormal to me. She picked me up in her arms and laid me on the couch. She looked me in the eyes and asked could she kiss me. My eyes told her yes and she shot a jolt of love deep in my mouth. I had surpassed being intoxicated with her love. I had become a lush for this woman. The way that my body reacted to her touch made me know that she knew that she was in full control of my body.
She took off her clothes with a rhythm of African drums and I was glad that she had no “added pleasures” (strap) attached to her waist. Her body was the eye of perfection for me. She sat on her kneed and I undid my robe. I looked at her and my eyes told her that I thought she was beautiful. She spoke aloud.
“My beauty is the mere shadow of yours. Your spirit and soul are the most beautiful designs that God could have put on this earth.”
At that moment I realized that this wonderfully brilliant woman was so much more than her name. She was much more than a music teacher for elementary children. She was much more than a person. It was the heart of the woman that I was admiring. She was a goddess. She was my goddess of hearts. As she began to kiss all “my spots”, as if she had kissed them before I touched my chest to feel my heart mending.
In the sacredness of lovemaking, I believe that two lovers should “explode” together. She knew this. She felt it. So with that she climbed on top of me and positioned herself. For hours, it seemed, we went clit to clit until I felt the “great coming”.
I had always wanted to get to that point where I literally…ejaculated. I just knew that we were about to cum together. But she stopped.
She looked me in the eyes and spoke to me out loud. “Virginia, making love is my form of music. Close your eyes. Feel my rhythm. Pant with the beat of my heart. But if on the inside you feel no potential love for me, then stop me now.”
I pushed back lust and looked sensitively into her…and my eyes told her that I love was past the potential. It was there.
She guided me to lay on my back. She then opened my legs and took me to my own mental and emotional breakdown. I stepped outside of my body and went to a paradise where Les was my hostess.
She didn’t merely lick and suck. This wonderful goddess served me. In my mouth I tasted a dinner and a fine wine the no human could ever prepare. My mouth watered uncontrollably and with all the pressure and pounds of conformity, I ejaculated. Les didn’t let it soak the couch. She cleaned me up and stayed down on my lusciousness until she knew that I had released all that I could.
She crawled up to meet my wondering eyes, and I tasted myself. She tantalized and comforted my tongue. So even that it was relaxed and I felt like I could not speak.
So many times I had tried spas, and massage therapists. Nothing compared to this relaxation technique that Les sprung on me.
“What time is it, Les?” I asked with a slurred tongue.
“I’d say it’s about 1 Virginia, and I want to stay in your arms.”
I smiled and there on the couch with only the heat and passion of love to keep us warm, we drifted to sleep.
The Morning After
I felt her slip out of my arms around 4:30 or so. She went into my bedroom and found a quilt to cover me with. She kissed my cheek and out the door she went.
The next morning was the Friday before Fall Holiday for the children and administrators. I got up and took a long shower and decided to wear a fitted skirt.
I strutted into work with a different attitude. Not only because I knew the kids were going to be a whole lot more relaxed, but because I would see my goddess.
I went into the teacher’s lounge to get some coffee and some of the teachers began to tease me. They had only seen me in my regular “Holy Roller” skirts, as they called them. Les walked in after me and when I turned around her eyes widened. She mouthed “damn” to me and I just laughed in a sly grin.
I stared her down too. Just to make her uncomfortable. She had on loose clothing but I knew what was underneath. There was a goddess.
The day went by fast and before I knew it the last bell of the day was ringing. The kids charged past me and I had to make sure that everyone was out of the building before closing MLK Elementary for a whole week. Around 5:30 or so I turned out all the lights and went back to my office to find Les sitting on my desk.
“Come here baby, I want to feel your hips.”, she said to me.
I did what I was told. I loved having her long arms around me. My body seemed to naturally rest into hers and I thought to myself: God I love this woman. I didn’t know who she was, but neither did I care. I knew when I eventually found out that it would only make me love her more. We stood there embraced in a hug until we decided to break.
She grabbed my briefcase and we went walking out of the door smiling like two kids in love.
From nowhere this Puerto Rican chick starts hollering at Les and calling me all kinds of bitches. “Jasmine chill out, and calm down…This is my fucking boss,” Les screamed back.
Ok…Right then I was thinking…“boss”?…And who in the hell was Jasmine?….
Why was I still standing there listening to this “child” yell and scream as if she had no sense? I immediately walked to my car. Les was following behind me with this girl, Jasmine, behind her. I got in my car and pulled off. I didn’t want her to explain to me. I had some explanations to myself that I needed to sort over.
I got home and sat on my couch in everything that I had worn to work. My mind began to drift and I realized I was sitting in the exact same spot that Les made love to me on. What was I going to do about this one? Obviously everything I thought was, wasn’t or rather isn’t. But what did I really expect. I broke rules. My own!
No faster that I said I don’t mix my business of work into my private life, I went right on and became intimate with this …stranger. Hell she didn’t even share my bed with me… she shared my couch. What was really going on inside of me? I knew better than this. I started to whimper like a child. Which at this moment I felt I was much less than a woman. I was a child.
A couple of hours later I woke up to Les knocking on my door, or rather I thought it was Les. I opened the door and it was Daya.
“Virginia before you tell me to leave, I need you to know that I refuse to. I put in leave time for 3 months and I will extend it if I have to. I am willing to sit on the outside of your door until you realize that I cannot live without you.”
Lord why now?
Why, after my fucked up day, and Les and her… whatever that damn girl was to her… acting a fool, did Daya have to show up on my doorstep begging for our relationship to be more?
“Daya, I just can’t do this right now.”
“No Virginia you are going to do this right now. I messed up. I know. I made you nothing to me and my job and success everything.”
“Daya that is…was… not the problem and you know it.”, I sighed.
There was an uncomfortable silence and I seen the tears clouding in her eyes. I wanted to just let her walk out the door the same way she did me, but I didn’t.
“You know what Daya, you say my job is little and you have no respect for me or anything that I do or did. I didn’t do anything right for you anymore. You didn’t want to look at me and I was pushed back on your list so far that you actually rather stayed at the job then came home to be with your biggest supporter. I loved that you loved your firm. You don’t know how proud I was of you and it was always an honor for me to be the woman on your arm when we walked into places. I loved you.”
“Virginia, the only reason that I hated your job so much is because you were so happy. You would talk about it and your eyes would light up. I remember 5 years ago when you talked about how much you loved me and your eyes would light up. But you became so in tuned with yourself that you no longer expressed that love and neither did I.”
For 15 minutes we sat there looking at each other in confusion. We both tore down our relationship. I realized the whole time I was away from her I spoke of how she tore down our love and how selfish she was, as if I had no part in it all. I had the leading role actually. This woman, who deep inside loved me deeply was only reacting to me. When I started to love my job, she began to love hers. When I stopped showing her love, she stopped showing me love.
This is what out love had become. But I tell you it took all of that to realize that Les was only a reminder to me of how Daya and I used to be. I remember those nights when Daya came home from working a shift at her not so successful job at the time, and I came home from my day job at a local cafe and night school. We still found time to love. It wasn’t the act of making love that made us… “us”…It was the point that we remembered how much we were to each other.
The moments when exhaustion took over our bodies and we found ourselves laid on the couch the next morning in the same clothes we wore the previous day. Daya would be late for work and I would be late for my small day job. But it was that moment that even though she was late for work and I was late for my job, I still stopped before leaving the house to say, “Sweetheart I love you.” She would always kiss me and say, “I know Princess.”
Our love was time out of our days when her name felt like the most beautiful fabric on my heart. It was time when I would read or see something and know that Daya was thinking of me just because I was thinking of her. We both forgot that we were each other’s air for our souls. She was my living spirit and my most delicate gift blessed by the creator.
My love for Daya was not gone. I will merely say it was hidden behind my own self perspective of ideality.
Weeks Turn to Months…Months Turn to Years
Obviously Les is no longer a part of my mind and neither is she a part of my life. She is still at the school and I see her everyday. We cordially say hello and there is nothing more discussed between us.
Daya is the one and only love of my life. She recently formed a partnership with another very intelligent woman who in a sense helps her run things in her job. She gave up time and realized that our love deserved a chance and time was going to be needed to make it whole again. I am actually meeting her in about an hour for a quick lunch because she will have a late meeting with a client. But still we have “our” time.
I am now the head principal at MLK Elementary and I love it. These children are a beautiful part of my life, and they show me truths about myself with every encounter.
By the way, if any of you are wondering just what it means that fate rules all, I shall tell you.
The fate of love is merely an existence. What you do with the fate is up to you.
Daya allowed me to walk out of her life. But her choosing the true fate of our love allowed us to continue with faith in ourselves together.
Les’s fate in love is that she chooses not to settle with one woman. She’s not a player. She’s just frightened to open herself up to something that is not promised to her.
My fate with love is just what it is…fate! It was meant that Daya and I would separate so that we could know exactly what we really were to each other. Past what we meant to each other, we needed to know how we stood together.
Fate in the end rules all….Parts 1, 2, 3, 4...and until the body is nothing more than dust to the ground, it will continue to rule everything.
Copyright © 2004. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.