KUMA:

I
The Phone Call (a memo for Grace)

I have butterflies
and my head throbs
because I am resisting calling you...
I want to call to say hello,
to see how you are,
to see how your classes are going,
and if you're not letting your work
get the best of you...
I want to know if you're takign time out
of your busy schedule to just stop, sit,
and commune with YOU...
I want to know if you're taking special time out
to relax and if you're thinking of me too.
I love you...
Not just your body, physical form, or your flesh
I am attached to your Spirit, feeling as though
I have known you in a past life
and not wanting to repeat
resisting communicating with you
in this life again......

II
Dear God

Oh dear god please help me
for Her's is a Spirit
I've always longed for...
Oh dear god please send me truth
so that I can admit what I am feeling
to Her, to you, and, more importantly, to ME.
Oh god, please help this hopeless sinner
who sees no wrong doing in unconditionally loving
another human soul....
Oh god, please be my guide, my Source, and order
my steps so that I might speak and resist
the urge to escape, hide, or remain mute....
Oh dear god, please be my Counsellor
and listen to me wrestle over wanting so desperately
to touch Her, to touch YOU, to touch ME....
Oh dear god, please don't let me lose life
or have love walk away from mine...
Help me to open up, not to fear intimacy, the Unknown
YOU within me, or you within HER!
Help me to embrace my full, god-given potential...
Teach me to laugh, sing, dream, and simply Be...
Show me how to yield, surrender, and trust
so that when it is time for me to shine
and be loved like I know I should, I can freely
and wilingly give and share it
with someone else.

III
Missin' You...

No, I do not need you
No, I will not call
No, I do not love you
No, I don't want to re-member this experience
or your name...
No, I don't want to hold you
No, I don't want your embrace
No, I don't want to kiss you
No, I don't want your friendship
No, I am not going insane...
No, no, no, no, no, NO!
I can't tell any more lies.
No, no, no, no, no, NO!
I thought about you last nite.
I do miss you
I do need you
I do long for you
Please, oh please, won't you come back home?

IV
Distraction

When I find myself thinking of you
I have to stop and ask,
"Okay...what is it that Grace
wants from ME???"
And when I wait for the answer
and finally hear 'Nothing'
I realize that my thoughts
were only infatuation
and I can go back to doing
what I was already doing
only minutes before....

V
The Phone Call 2

Why aren't you picking up the phone?
I want to talk to you....
Maybe you're online, maybe you're listening,
in tune, watching me on your caller I.D.,
smiling and wondering if tonite,
I'm gonna have the courage
to leave a message
and state my intent...
But I'd rather not leave my voice
on your machine, trapped inside a box
for you to re-play over and over again
when you could have ME, the real thing
bringing you sweet thoughts, sweet surrender, and beautiful
fantastic, orgasmic fatasies and dreams
to last you a lifetime...