KUMA: LETTER TO KAREN by Jade

by
Jade

_____Where is that line? The line between deep friendship and love. The imaginary line that I crossed and didn't even know it. I know the day I realized it. I remember talking to her and knowing that she was everything I wanted.
_____Getting up from the chair, I walk across the room and look around the kitchen. I never got to fix you dinner. That's just one of a thousand thoughts that go through my mind. I'm numb, but angry. I'm hurt, but sad. I want you back, but I can't force you to love me. I want to collapse to the floor kicking and screaming, but whom will that serve.
_____Going back to computer I reboot again. How many times have I done this today? I lost count somewhere around six. I'm looking for emails from you. We are friends. That's what we've decided, but I still look for emails from you like we were still together. I read the ones you write me over and over. Just knowing the words were born in your mind and came to me through your fingertips gives me a sense of peace. I need to be connected to you. I can't help it.
_____Did you know how much I need you? Was that what scared you? I remember my mother's words after she and my dad got divorced. It takes two to make a relationship and two to break one. She's right. I know the part I played in this. I pushed too hard and you couldn't cope with the pressure. Your fault lies in that you wanted to care so badly, but couldn't overcome the same sex issue.
_____I look at your pictures and all I want to do is touch you. I get so angry, but all I can think about is rubbing your back. You liked that. The feel of your skin under my touch fueled all of my fantasies. You were my only fantasy, and still are. Sleep. I need sleep. I can't sleep without seeing your face. I wake happy only to have the happiness ripped away when consciousness takes hold.
_____The phone rings. Walking to it, I close my eyes and pray to the highest powers that it's you. I know it will make me cry, but I want to hear your voice. Picking up the phone, I hear Andi's voice. "Hey, girl, what's up?"
_____I sigh. "Nothing, just goofing off." Leaning against the wall I hang my head expecting her to go into one of her long spills.
_____"Liar. You are walking around the house trying to keep yourself busy and not think about her." She knows she's surprised me and chuckles.
_____"Yeah, I suppose that's exactly what I'm doing." We talk for nearly 45 minutes. I cry and she consoles me as best she can.
_____ I go to bed and sleep. Waking the next morning I'm happy, then reality sets in and I roll over hugging the pillow close and whisper your name.
_____The screen goes black and I feel empty and alone. I always hate shutting down the computer. It's the only link I have to you. We've been talking the last couple of days. I don't know where we stand. Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore. I know that I can handle almost anything, when talking to you, except when you say you love me. It goes straight to my heart and feels like a knife is twisting there. I haven't talked to anyone about the last couple of days.
_____The truth is I haven't seen anyone the last couple of days. I'm scared of my own shadow right now and would rather be alone. I can't help the fear. I don't know how to make anyone understand that I feel empty and completely isolated. Not physically, which is my own doing, but emotionally. Like everything I knew and understood is gone. You're here, talking to me, but you're not in me anymore. I've put the walls back up. Using self-preservation as brick and mortar.
_____I try not to hope, but I can't stop myself. It's something new for me. Growing up I never had hope, but since meeting you it's all I have. I'm not use to one person having such a profound effect on my life or me. Yet, there you are. In your own unique way, shining hope onto me. Giving me what I can't give myself right now light. I could spend my life staring at you, sharing your light.
_____The wall goes up again. I can't let myself think that way. You aren't mine anymore. I'm not allowed to see you that way. I dreamed of you all night last night. Each dream the same. Each time you gave yourself completely to me and each time I embraced you and took you into my heart. Each dream beautiful and heart wrenching.
_____ Sitting at my desk I look at your picture. Holding it I caress your cheek and wish that it was allowed in real time. Still the thought of touching you sets me on fire and I want you. I try to lock the feelings away and not let them effect me, but it's no use. I want to feel your skin under mine. Closing my eyes I've decided that if the feelings are going to come out then I'm going to let them wash over me and truly feel them. I can feel your hands caressing me. You're running them over my breasts, lingering. They move lower and I sit up with a start. No! No, I can't do this. I can't want you.
_____The lump in my throat is back and the tears begin again. I lay my head on the desk as my body shakes with the force of the emotions. Drained and emotionally exhausted I fall asleep sitting here. Visions of you fill my unconscious again and I dream.