by
Carla Fowler
CHAPTER 4
_____One night about 3 months later Alex and I were at my
house and I got a call
from an ex-boyfriend who was in town and he wanted to stop by. I told Alex an
old friend was stopping by, and would it bother her? She said no, I told her he
was an ex but we were good friends. Well, when Anthony arrived he was looking
good as usual. He brought flowers and candy. I gave him a hug and he picked me
up and planted a kiss on me that sent me back down memory lane. The first
thing I noticed was his smell, the smell of a man, a smell I hadn't noticed
before. But now it was a clear as a bell, and I didn't like it. There was a
time in my life that whenever I saw Anthony I knew sex was on the agenda, but
not this time. There was nothing, no interest, no tingle nothing. It didn't
upset me it just gave me a flash of the life that I chose to leave behind.
_____Alex quickly stood up and introduced herself. Anthony
never did put me down. He
just shook her hand, excused us and took me into the bedroom. I was so
embarrassed. I didn't know what to do. I got off the bed and escorted Anthony
back into the living room. He was noticeably surprised but I think he thought
it was game and just played along.
Anthony
(sitting down on the couch) So uh Alex, how long have you known my Aila?
Alex
Long enough
Anthony
Okay, what do you ladies have planned for the evening?
Alex
A quiet evening alone
Anthony
Is that right?
Alex
That's right
Anthony
Can I ask you a personal question?
Alex
No
Anthony
What's with the attitude, I'm trying be nice here
Alex
Don't feel obligated
Anthony
Oh, I get it. You're one of those mad bitches.
Alex
Aila! please come and get your company
Anthony
Hey is Alex short for Alexander?
Alex
Is Anthony short for asshole ?
Anthony
Funny! Are you fuckin' my girl?
Alex
Your girl!! You need to re-phrase that!
Anthony
So it's true, Aila is little dykish now!!! Ain't this some shit. Hey uh Alex,
man to man can I watch??
Alex
FUCK YOU!
Anthony
Fuckin' me might change your whole outlook baby..
Aila
ANTHONY!
Alex
Good night, Anthony.
Anthony
(Standing up) Bitch, this ain't your place.. So please kick back or shut the
fuck up!
Alex
Look nigga, this is my place, and that's my woman so just pick up whatever
piece of dignity you have left and leave.
Aila
Anthony, I don't believe you.
Alex
Do you have a problem understanding English?
Anthony
The only problem I have is bitches like you that want to be like me!
Aila
Good night, Anthony!!!
Anthony
Oh, so it's like that? Fine Aila I'll leave. (walking towards the door) Oh and
don't worry I'm not mad at you baby girl, you're just experimenting. You like
dick too much to be serious, and Alex just so you know too, check her panties
... They're dripping with memories of me.
_____He closed the door and there was silence, a cold and
frightening silence. I
turned to look at Alex and before I knew it she grabbed my face.
Aila
ALEX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!?
Alex
Look, I don't do nigga's okay, I don't like them around me and I don't want
them around you. AM I CLEAR?
Aila
ALEX, STOP IT!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??! LET ME GO!
_____Almost instantly, she stood up, grabbed her coat and
walked out. I was
completely confused, I didn't know if should run after her or run and hide. So
I just sat there and watched her leave.
_____I waited for Alex to call me for a whole week…nothing. So
decided to call her. No one answered the phone, so I tried to say as much as I could to her
answering machine.
Aila
Alex, it's me Aila.. Look I'm really sorry about happened, I didn't expect any
of that. I really need to talk to you, this doesn't make any sense. I mean it
wasn't my fault, I guess I shouldn't have invited him over but…I'm sorry Alex,
please give me a chance to make this right or at least talk to me. I love you
_____I paged Alex and waited for her to call until 11:00p.m., it
started raining. I
put the answering service on and went to bed. I tried not to get angry, I just
wanted to talk to Alex.. It was 2:00am when I heard somebody at my door, I
stumbled to the door and it was Alex. I opened the door there she was soaking
wet, looking pitiful.
Alex
I've been try ing to call you all night, I need to talk to you.
Aila
All night huh, I called you at 6:30 and I didn't go to bed until 11:00, so
when exactly did you start trying?
Alex
Are you going to let me in?
_____I let her in, she didn't even look me in the eye. She walked
over to the bar
and poured herself a glass of Henessy and sat down. She stared out the window
and started telling me how she never intended to hurt me.
Alex
I'm sorry I flipped on you baby, but I couldn't deal with that nigga. Just the
thought of him putting his hands on you makes me ill.. I think what bothered me
the most is that deep down I knew you would have liked it. Look, I understand
that you have needs that I can't fulfill since you're straight or whatever, and
to be honest I never thought I would fall in love with you but I am and know
I'm stuck.
I walked back into kitchen and poured myself a drink. Alex walked over ,took
the drink out of my hand and poured it into the sink
Aila
(picking up the bottle) Alex, listen I know the fact that I willingly got into
a relationship with a woman pretty much labels me as a lesbian or bisexual or
whatever, and that's fine. I opened myself up and found a world of love and
understanding that I never knew existed. Alex, I love you, but all I can do is
remain true to you and promise you that I'll never cheat on you and if that's
not enough than I'm sorry. I would never betray you or our relationship. I can
handle this lifestyle, and I'm really want this to work with you, but I have to
be honest with me and you. And if you think I'm missing a man, you're wrong I
may want a little penetration, but it's not necessary and if it happens I want
it to be from you.
Alex
What?
Aila
You know, I mean if I had the urge to be penetrated?
Alex
Oh so you want me to get a dildo and fuck you? If want to get fucked get a
nigga!
Aila
Alex don't do this.
Alex
Don't do what? If you need to be fucked get a man!! I'm not into that shit.
Aila
I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Alex
We have too many issues baby.
Aila
What are you talking about Alex?
Alex
I don't like being your little secret.
Aila
What?!
Alex
Aila, I took into my life completely because you mean everything to me. You
can't say that. Only one of your friends knows about us and she's a dyke.
I've never met your parents, relatives nothing, shit, I haven't even met any of
your co-workers. I know I said that we'd work it out, but baby I'm the only
one working here. I know you love me, but do you love me enough to take that
chance?
Aila
But, what if we break up and then I have nothing.. No family, no friends, no
you, nothing.
Alex
And what if we don't. You don't see it baby, what you have now is incomplete.
Your family only wants to be bothered if you're what they want you to be.
You're friends think that a man can solve all of their problems, they can't see
past that. But baby, you can, you have and I know this shit has to be fucking
with you.
Aila
Alex please.
_____We stood there and looked at each other and all of sudden
I felt a pain in my
heart and my whole body started to tremble. I was losing her and I didn't know
what to do. It hurt so bad, I wanted to stop breathing. She never said word,
she just held me while I cried. After a few minutes I felt her tense up and
she pulled away and started walking towards the door. I stood there in
complete agony, I wanted her to heal me and make the pain go away, I needed
her to hold me, just a little longer.. but she didn't, she just walked out.
_____The rest of the morning and the entire day I remembered
kissing her for the
first time. I remembered undressing her and making love to the sound of her
whispering my name, and it hurt. It hurt to remember her smell, her touch,
and the heat of her breath trail down my back. I missed exploring every part of
her body and it's beauty. Realizing and embracing the fact that no mattered how
she dressed or walked or talked she was a woman completely and she was
amazing. I wanted to roll up into a ball and die. Every night I dreamed of her
and how wonderful it was, the way she used to look at me, the way she rubbed my
thighs while she was driving, the way she kissed my fingertips while we made
love. The things she used to whisper in my ear. It was beautiful and it was
gone.
CHAPTER 5
_____I hadn't left my house in 5 days, I was a wreck. I hadn't
even taken a shower,
then the phone rang. It was Anthony apologizing for his behavior. I accepted
his transparent apology and accepted his invitation to dinner. It took me 4
hours to get ready, and I still looked like death warmed over. When Anthony
showed up my disinterest was obvious.
Anthony
Aila, are you okay?
Aila
I'm fine, are you ready
Anthony
Why don't we stay in?
Aila
Whatever
Anthony
So uh what's going' on, you look awful.
Aila
Thanx alot Anthony!! You really know how to make a girl feel special.
Anthony
I'm just sayin Aila, what is wrong with you??
_____I couldn't hold it back any longer, I just broke down. I
cried for what had to
be an hour, the whole time trying to explain to him what happened. He just sat
there and listened. I felt like a weight had been lifted and the more I cried
the better I felt. I was so sad and angry and confused. I wanted answers. I
wanted to know if she felt half the pain I did, I wanted to know if she ever
loved me like I love her. I was so mad at her for all of this pain in my
heart. I hated her for this empty feeling that became an every day part of my
life. I released it all to him that night and he let me. By the time I shut
up, I was exhausted.
_____Anthony picked me up and carried me to my bedroom and
let
me cry myself to sleep. When I woke up the next afternoon I smelled food
cooking and I felt the sun on my face. I went into the restroom and washed my
face. I looked awful, my entire face was swollen and my throat felt raw. I
walked into the living to find my mother and Anthony having a quiet
conversation. When Anthony saw me he stood up walked me back into the bedroom.
Aila
Anthony, what the hell is going on?
Anthony
I think you need to talk your mother, she deserves the truth. She's your
mother Aila, you owe her the truth.
Aila
Anthony, my sex life has nothing to do with my mother.
Anthony
(motioning me to sit down on the bed) Aila look, when I found out you was
fucking another woman it really pissed me off. I thought it just a phase, I
wanted to believe that it would pass and that you would be back into nigga's
again. Back into me again. I wanted to believe that Alex had turned you out
and that all you needed was the right man to change your mind. But after last
night, hearing you open up and express the love you have for her made me
realize that it's not just a phase. I'm mean hearing you and seeing the pain
that being without her caused you, I mean I've known you a long time Aila and
you've never loved a man like you love her. I've never known you to be that
emotionally attached to anyone. I wanted to leave here last night and erase
you from my mind but couldn't and I realized how selfish I was being. All
you've ever done was try to please everybody else your life your mother, your
family, your friends and we never thought to see if you were happy. We never
tried to please you, Aila I am so sorry for not being a true friend to you and
I hope you can forgive me but I had to call your mother. She has a right to
know her daughter, her real daughter. I know you're afraid you'll lose her,
but Alex is right. I mean baby, look at all that you've lost already. I don't
think that any pain could be worse than what you're feeling right know.
Aila
I'm not ready to lose another person
Anthony
It's your decision, and it's your life. You owe it to yourself to live it
honestly.
He kissed me on my forehead and walked out. I sat there on my bed feeling
completely empty. He was right and I was scared. I walked back into the
living room and sat next to my mother.
Aila
Mommy, I have to tell you something.
Mommy
Aila, what is going on here. Anthony called me this morning telling me that I
need to come over here, you've been acting like you don't have a family
anymore. What are you doing? Are you on drugs?
Aila
No, Mommy, it's nothing like that. Look, I know I've been avoiding you lately
and keeping my life pretty secret from everyone, but I had my reasons. I know
I haven't been fair to you or anybody else in the family but I was afraid of
losing you.
Mommy
What is going on Aila?
Aila
(in tears) Remember a long time ago when I asked if you would disown me if I
told you I was a lesbian and you said you would be very disappointed in me
because you raised me better than that?
Mommy
(obviously upset) So I guess you're going to tell me you gay now??
Aila
(tears streaming down my face) Yes I am.
Mommy
I don't believe this shit! I raised you better than this, it's not right.
It's against god. It's not right. I don't want to hear about it, I don't want
those motherfuckers in my house. You do what you want to do, leave me out of
it. You're the one that has to answer to god. Not me!! I don't want to know
about it. That is disgusting Aila, how could you?!! See I told you about
hanging out with those things.
Aila
Mommy, I love you, but when you talk about them you talk about me.
Mommy
(walking to the door) I love you too but this ain't right and you know it.
Aila
Can I call you?
Mommy
(obviously in pain) Do whatever you want to do Aila
_____She left and I knew she was in pain, but I wasn't. I felt bad for causing her
pain, but I also felt liberated. I sat there on the couch as if I was waiting
for something magical to happen.
_____Then, the phone rang. It was Alex.
THE END
Copyright © 2000. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.
