by
M. Rahim

(Part 3)
This was the first time in my life that I was truly alone and I didn't know how to cope with it. I was naive enough to believe that once I moved into that apartment Val and I would be able to spend more quality time together . . . that we would get closer. But it only seemed to have a reverse effect. I saw less and less of her and she stood me up more times than I can count.

When Val actually did come around we would fuck, she'd leave money by the bed and was always in a rush to get back home. I knew I had always been her booty call, but this time I actually felt like her booty call.

I soon discovered that Val's brush offs had little if nothing to do with a renewed love for her wife, and more to do with something far more selfish. Linda had met another woman . . . another butch and was in the process of moving out. She had finally decided to move on with her life and Val couldn't handle it. She couldn't handle being dumped first.

Linda grew tired of all the shit she was being forced to put up with. Naturally, Val's ego got the best of her, so instead of spending time with me she was at home trying to convince Linda to stay. But Linda wasn't stupid. She knew Val didn't really care about her.

The only reason Val was so upset over the breakup is because Linda wasn't all up her ass any more. Val's life with Linda had been this big security blanket that she could hide under, but that blanket was being yanked away. Val had lost control of the situation, which I think drove her crazy more than anything else. She needed to be in control, or at least feel like she was always in control.

Meanwhile . . .
I was still sitting around at home waiting for Val to rescue me. Whenever Val came over it only seemed to make me feel more miserable. I remember crying a lot and getting better acquainted with my vibrator. Now that I think about it, I was pretty damn pathetic.

One night Val was supposed to come over. She said she was going to take me out, something she hadn't done in a while. But she never showed up! Two hours after Val was supposed to be at my house she finally decided to call me. She fed me some excuse about her son having an asthma attack. It was a lie, no doubt. Needless to say, I was thoroughly pissed. I was also hurt, lonely, and desperate.

There was a guy I worked with named Bernard. He was a big, burly, semi-attractive guy who was always hitting on me, especially when he found out that I was into chicks. I never paid any attention to him before that night, but I was lonely and still a fool. I found Bernie's number in the bottom of my bag, crumpled up on a tiny scrap of paper. He'd given it to me weeks earlier, but until that night I had never intended on using it.

Imagine his shock when I called, out of the blue, and told him to meet me at West 4th Street. We hung out at the Westside Highway Pier. He brought the booze and I supplied the smoke. We got fucked up and he was sweet enough to listen to my problems about Val. Then we went back to my place, got even more fucked up and had sex.

It was the last time I had sex with a man. I can't really say if it was good or bad because the whole night was kind of a blur. But I do know that I didn't really like the guy. I used him. I had a void to fill and Bernie was in the right place at the right time.

I really wanted to be with Val. I missed her, but she wasn't around. I ended up telling her about the one-night stand with my co-worker later. She didn't get too angry, but then again she really couldn't. I wanted her to know. I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me.

After that shameful night with Bernard, I realized it was time to put my foot down with Val. I was in love with her, or at least I thought I was at the time, but I wasn't going to be her fool anymore. I was sick and tired of constantly being put on hold. I knew she wasn't ready to give me what I needed and I didn't know if she ever would be.

I just woke up one day and said to myself, "FUCK THIS!"

It was time for me to move on with my life. I packed what few personal effects she had at my apartment into a small duffle bag. I took this bag to her job, dropped it onto her desk and said, "Don't call me anymore. I'm done." Then I walked out, feeling better about myself than I had in months.

Val seemed to have a hard time accepting the fact that I was seriously telling her to step off. She blew up my phone every five seconds leaving a ton of sorry ass messages. She even had flowers sent to me at work. But I wasn't impressed or swayed. I didn't care how much she begged and pleaded because I hated her . . . I hated her for expecting me to sit around and wait, hoping that she might throw me a bone. I hated her for taking me for granted and thinking it was ok to hurt me as long as she got was she wanted. Fortunately for Val, foolish ways aren't always easily changed.

Late one night a couple of weeks after I dissed her Val showed up at my door. She told me that Linda was gone for good and that she loved me and wanted us to be together. I think I rolled my eyes and made some smart-ass comment like, "Whatever bitch!" Yeah, I played it off like I didn't care, but inside I was screaming with joy.

Truthfully, I knew the relationship would never amount to much, but I was still stupid and foolish. Maybe even a little selfish. For some reason I just had to go the distance. I had to see where things might lead between us, even if I knew I was being led down a dead end road. That little voice of reason started talking to me but I ignored it.

None of these sensible things mattered to me because I was selfish. I was about due for a promotion. I wanted so badly to be the new wife and I didn't care what price I had to pay later. I made Val grovel a little longer then accepted her back into my life with open arms. And this is the part where we were supposed to live happily ever after.

Not!!!

I ended up moving in with Val, picking up where Linda left off. Fool. I maintained my apartment in Flatbush, which was probably one of the smartest things I did throughout the entire ordeal. I subleased it to a friend of mine named Theresa. Well . . . she was more like a friend of a friend of a friend.

Val and I managed to spend two relatively drama-free years together. During that time she was actually faithful, which shocked the hell outta me. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not, by any means saying that our relationship was perfect. Some days were good, some days were bad, and the rest were somewhere in between. We bickered and argued with each other constantly, but that's pretty common for any two women who live together. We even had a few cat fights here and there. But for the most part things were good. Val spoiled me rotten.

Although I continued going to school, I quit my job and basically became a housewife with fringe benefits. I spent my days hangin' out with my friends, smokin' weed, surfin' the net, and doing whatever else tickled my clit. I spent my nights dutifully pleasing Val. But perhaps the best aspect of our relationship was the freedom she gave me to be young.

We went out to dinner and a movie from time to time, but Val wasn't exactly a party animal. She was older and had already done all the things that I liked to do. She understood that I was still young and bursting with energy and gave me the freedom to have fun. I went to clubs and parties and even had a few sexual encounters with several sexy femmes. All of which Val was fully aware of. She knew that I was still a new comer to the Life and was understanding enough to allow me the freedom to explore it.

When a person is first introduced to this lifestyle it's very much like losing your virginity. Once you get a taste of one, you can't help wanting to taste others. Of course, there were certain unspoken rules of respect. For instance, I never got involved with other butches. Val couldn't handle that much competition. I also never brought anyone home . . . well I wasn't supposed to.

Eventually, I had my fill of sexual exploration and settled down, devoting myself wholly to Val. We lived together in harmony for much longer than I'd ever anticipated, which allowed me to fall into a comfort zone. I was genuinely happy with Val and I felt secure. But, just as I had predicted, the relationship inevitably began to fall apart.

I can't say when the problems started exactly. All I can say is that gradually things began to change. As much as I wanted to believe that Val had changed, I knew she hadn't. Her old ways were still there, lying dormant, waiting for the right time to resurface.

Arguments occurred more frequently and were more intense. And whenever she got angry, Val spitefully made a point to remind me that I was a kept woman. The madness of our constant fighting wore me down mentally and physically. All we did was fight and fuck everyday of the week.

Then Val met another girl, as if we needed more insanity in our relationship. Suddenly, she started getting these mysterious phone calls and it didn't take long for me to find out who she was. Her name was Tawana. She was one of Val's clients . . . some chick with bipolar disorder! Of course, I didn't waste any time interrogating her on the matter.

Val claimed that this client was exceptionally troubled and told me that her friend and co-worker, Katie, asked her to give this particular girl personal attention. She also said that they were just friends.

Bullshit!!!

That excuse was a gross insult to my intelligence and I deeply resented it. I knew Val was full of shit . . . I also knew she was fucking the girl! I could tell that the situation was fishy from the start. Their phone conversations always took place when I wasn't around. If I walked into the room, Val would suddenly rush to hang up. Does that sound like an innocent friendship to you? And since when did it become ethically ok for a social worker to fraternize with her clients? I confronted Val with a piece of my mind.

"I'm not an idiot. You're exploiting that girl. You're not supposed to get cozy with your clients, especially the ones that are mentally ill!"

"But baby, it's not like that. We're just friends." Val tried not to laugh as she fed that shit to me. Even she couldn't deny how ridiculous her story was beginning to sound.

"That's bullshit Val! Don't deal with that girl anymore! Don't have her callin' here! You're gonna lose your fuckin' job!" I screamed at her, hoping she would come to her senses. It was at this point that I began to feel just how Linda must have felt.

After that, Tawana stopped calling, or at least she didn't call when I was around.

Just when I thought that little drama with the bipolar chick had been nipped in the bud, another drama was unfolding.

My mom started to get really sick. She had AIDS and was starting to descend into the full blown stages of the disease. My step father wasn't acting right and eventually that little punk abandoned my family.

Lawyers, doctors, and social workers were callin' me left and right. If I didn't go to Boston as soon as possible, my sisters would be placed in foster care and my mother would be dumped in a nursing home. Without thinking twice about it, I made plans to move to Boston immediately. My family needed me!

Val was supportive at first. She even talked about moving to Boston with me. In fact, we had serious talks about it. Val had been in the army some years back and said she could use a veteran's loan to buy a house. She even researched job opportunities on the internet. Of course, none of these plans ever came to pass.

As hard as I fought to win Val's heart, I never really believed that we had a future together. I was having a hard enough time dealing with my family situation grief over losing my mother in such a horrible way and the stress of trying to play mommy to my three very rebellious teenaged sisters, one of whom was knocked up at the time. I needed her to be by my side, to offer me support and help me stay strong. But all she cared about was herself and what she wanted. Nothing else mattered.

I didn't need more stress and grief in my life. I knew Val was too selfish, too controlling, and too old for me. We didn't even really have anything in common, except sex. I had been a fool for long enough. Slowly but surely my eyes began opening up.

I went back and forth to Boston pretty regularly, spending half my time there and the other half in New York. It wasn't long before Val started complaining about my long absences. She said she felt like I was abandoning her. But that was just more bullshit . . . more selfishness . . . an excuse to continue cheating. I knew then that it was just a matter of time for us.

Back in Boston, I set out to meet other people and it didn't take long for me to find someone I really liked. Her name was Sarina and she would later become my new conquest, but that's yet another story to be told on another day.

On one of my visits to New York, I went to Val's job to confront her and Tawana. The girl was obviously intimidated by me as if I were gonna beat her up or something. But I had transcended to a more mature status . . . I handled myself graciously just as Linda had done.

"Why do you have your suitcase?" Val asked me.

"Because I'm leaving." I answered coldly.

"But I thought you were staying till the end of the week."

"I know, but why bother. You seem a little preoccupied these days." I gave Tawana a quick glance.

"Baby, I already told you I'm not messin' with her like that. She and I are just . . ."

"Whatever. Listen, I just came by to let you know that I met someone else." I pulled out a small photograph that Sarina had given me of herself. I asked her to give it to me for this specific purpose. "You see this cute, young stud? I don't really know her very well, but I plan on getting to know her. You can do whatever you want. I don't care anymore. See you around."

Then, just before my dramatic exit, I turned to Tawana and said, "She's all yours."

Val chased me down the street trying to talk me out of leaving and demanding to know who the butch in the photograph was. But I ignored her and kept on going. It amazed me how my meeting someone else caused Val to suddenly become so interested in saving our relationship. But I was done.

I went back to my new home in the city of Boston and basically washed my hands of it, cleansing myself from the stench of bullshit. What I didn't expect was that Val would try so hard to win me back.

She called me, begging for another chance and even asked if she could come spend a weekend with me in Boston, something I'd been trying to get her to do for months.

I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, we had spent three years together and I couldn't pretend that I could just turn of f my feelings like a light switch. Val turned me out and I couldn't help feeling a strong sense of attachment to her. For this reason, I was willing to give it one last try.

We stayed at a hotel, had great sex, toured the city. It was just like old times, like nothing bad had ever happened between us. Before returning to New York, she assured me that her dealings with Tawana were over for good.

I continued to see Sarina but I held back, not allowing our friendship to get too serious until I could figure out where things were going with me and Val.

I made plans for my next visit to New York to spend some time with her. It was around Christmas time in 1999. I decided to go a day early to surprise Val, or at least that's what I told myself. Deep down I knew I really didn't trust her and to be totally honest. I was trying to catch her ass. I knew in my heart that she was still doing something. All I needed was confirmation. She wasn't expecting me until Saturday but I showed up on Friday night.

Imagine Val's surprise when I walked through the door. The look on her face was like, "Uh oh!" when it should have been more like, "I'm so happy to see you baby, what a pleasant surprise."

Both of Val's sons were there along with some of their friends. Even the kids had that uh oh' look on their faces. They all stood there, seemingly frozen in time, staring at me with their eyes and mouths gaping open for a few moments. Then they all simultaneously snapped out of it as if suddenly realizing that they shouldn't be that surprised to see me.

Part 4