Lil AJ

The worst thing I ever did was let Deionne go. I loved her so much and I still do, but I couldn’t bring myself to bring her to into my personal Hell. I was going through so much at that time. The worst was my battle with bulimia and a self-injury disorder. I couldn’t bear to think of what it would be like for her to hear me throwing up or to make love to me and see my scars. Sometimes it was too painful even for me and I had been doing it for many years.
I met Deionne in college seven years ago. I was a freshman and she was a junior. We were in the same calculus class. I was really shy and quiet in school. I sat in the corner seat all the way in the back of the class and never said a word to anyone. This was my routine in every class. After about three weeks of this Deionne decided to sit next to me and start a conversation.
“Yo Shawty, why you always look so sad?” she asked. I could have given her a dozen answers to that question but I just faked a smile.
“I’m not sad. Just kind of shy I guess.” She smiled back and offered me her hand.
“I’m Deionne.”
“I’m Kendra.” I took her hand.
We continued to talk off and on through class when the professor wasn’t looking. After class was over Deionne invited me to lunch.
“Kendra, if you ain’t busy you wanna go grab something to eat?” She seemed nice enough and I had enjoyed our conversation thus far.
“Ok, sure that would be cool.”
We went to eat at this quiet little place. Nothing romantic. It was just a quiet café where we could talk. She was so sweet and funny and so sexy. I knew she was a lesbian but she didn’t seem to know about me. Either that or she just wasn’t mentioning it. Anyway, as the conversation went on the time flew by. When we finally realized the time it was two hours later.
“Oh shit. We better be up outta here before they start charging us rent.” Deionne joked. I laughed and agreed. Deionne dropped me off at my dorm. I didn’t want her to leave me. I didn’t know why but I just didn’t.
“Deionne, would you mind coming in? I mean if you have something else to do I understand.”
“Nah Shawty I don’t have anything to do. She smiled. She had the cutest dimples. I just hope your roommate doesn’t have a problem with me being here.” I opened the door.
“I have a single room. It’s just me.” She flashed those dimples again.
We talked for hours about everything. Deionne was a great speaker and an equally as great listener. She made me laugh and more importantly she made me smile. There weren’t many people that could make a genuine smile cross my face, but Deionne did it without even trying. Soon the time came for Deionne to leave my room.
“Damn Shawty its mad late. I guess I should leave now.”
I really didn’t want her to go but how was I supposed to tell a girl I had only known for a few hours not to leave me? How was I supposed to explain that even though we just met that I somehow needed her? There was no way. So I did the next best thing.
“I really enjoyed your company. Can we hang out again sometime?”
“Sure Shawty. Wheneva is good for you just holla.” There was that smile again. I nodded. I walked her to the door and we stood there for a moment. The tension was building and the silence was awkward. I knew she wanted to kiss me but she still was unsure of my status. So I did something I never did before. I stepped to Deionne and I gently took her face in my hands. I looked at her for a second and then I kissed her softly on her lips. She drew me closer and returned my kiss. I parted my lips slightly to let her tongue enter my mouth. It was the sweetest kiss I had ever known. When we broke our kiss I immediately looked at the floor.
“I’m…I’m sorry.” I said shyly. Deionne smiled and picked up my chin.
“Sorry for what Shawty?” she asked. I felt bad for some reason.
“I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t have done that.” I answered.
“Why not? You only did what I was dying to do all day.” She looked at me really puzzled.
I really didn’t know what to say or do at that point. Actually I knew what I wanted to do but I couldn’t until Deionne left. My legs were burning, my heart felt heavy, and I needed my razor. I had to say something.
“Oh ok. Well you better get home before it gets any later. Call me ok.”
“Aiigh Shawty I’ll do that. Goodnight.” She kissed me on the lips again.
“Goodnight.” I smiled. I stood at the door and watched until her car was out of sight. As soon as she was gone I closed the door and locked it. I went into my bathroom and took off my clothes. I opened the medicine cabinet and got out my razorblade. I found a clear spot on my leg and cut myself. As the blood ran down my leg I thought about Deionne. There was no way I could let this get any farther than it already had. I shouldn’t have kissed her. I cut myself again. Dammit what if I end up hurting her? What if she ever found out about my razor issue? Again and again I cut. I was tired now. I cleaned up myself and the floor and sink. I put ointment on my leg and went to bed.
_____Deionne and I hung out quite often over the next few weeks. The more and more we were together the harder it was for me to let her go. I was falling in love with her and I was getting really scared. We kissed and held each other but I never let it get any farther than that. I couldn’t for both of our sakes. One night the inevitable happened. Things got a little out of control. Deionne started to undress me and I let her. She took off my shirt and began kissing me from my neck to my stomach. When she reached for my jeans I jumped.
“What’s wrong Shawty?” she asked.
“Nothing. I-I just can’t let you do that.” I answered.
“Why what’s wrong?” She looked seriously confused.
“Deionne please just trust me ok. I can’t let you do that.” I started to cry.
“Aiigh Shawty. You got it.” She sighed and backed away. She wiped my tears and just held me. She didn’t ask any questions. I felt terrible.
That happened a few more times and Deionne was just about too through.
“Kendra what the fukk is going on? You always seem like you’re into me and then when it gets to that point you stop me.”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell her the truth. I stayed silent. She repeated the question. We had been going together or whatever you want to call it for about two months. Nothing was official but we weren’t seeing anyone else either. I had to say something.
“Deionne, I don’t know how to tell you this. There is a lot about me that you don’t know.” She looked me in my eyes.
“Spit. I’m listening.”
I began to cry.
“Deionne I can’t.” She was upset.
“What you mean you can’t? Kendra stop playing with me and tell me what it is.”
The tears steadily flowed down my face.
“Deionne please. If I tell you what it is you will leave me. Even if you don’t I will have to leave you.”
Her anger left her and she became very concerned.
“Leave you? Why? Why would you leave me if I didn’t leave you?”
“Take off my jeans.” I stood up. She shook her head.
“No. Just tell me what it is.”
I repeated myself.
“Take off my jeans. I can show you better than I can tell you.”
She did as I asked. When she took down my jeans she almost choked.
“Kendra what happened to you? Why are your legs so scarred up?”
I cried more and more.
“I happened to me. I did that to myself.” I picked up my jeans.
“Deionne you have to go. Please.” She tried to object.
“Kendra I don’t want to. I…”
I held up my hand.
“Deionne please just go. I need to be alone.”
She didn’t say anything else. She just grabbed her things and walked to the door. As she was walking out she said one last thing.
“Kendra, I love you.” She closed the door and that was that.
I cut myself up really bad that night. Blood everywhere. That was the end of the semester. I seen Deionne around school a few times the next year but no more after that. I tried not to. She called and I never answered. I couldn’t. Deionne graduated that year. I had two more to go. I almost didn’t make it through. Partly because of my issues, and partly because I wanted Deionne back so bad. Its been two years since I’ve thrown up or cut myself, but I’ve never stopped thinking about Deionne. I would give anything to find her again. The scars I put on my legs are nothing compared to the one I put in my heart when I let her walk out of my door and my life.

Copyright © 2002. Used with author's permission.

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