Unrequited Love, I Think
by
A student

It was the start of the fall semester, and the week prior I had claimed my room and met my roommate. We both started to move our things into our room, introduce ourselves, unpack our clothes, and met some of each otherís family members (whom accompanied each of us on the trip to school). As we were finishing unpacking I informed my new roommate that I would not be staying through the weekend, but I would return on Wednesday because my classes didnít begin until then.
The next few days consisted of me going through a mutual break up with my girlfriend (the real reason I would not come back to school until Wednesday) of two years. Tuesday, Kim and I had managed to stay cordial enough with each other to spend that last day trying to at least stay friends, and we have managed to stay friends.
I arrived back on campus on Wednesday at 3:00 pm. I was looking forward to meeting everyone, but also nervous because I feared everyone would know each other and I would be left out. Yet, when I arrived there was no one insight, and I was hoping they all werenít out together. So, I decided to take a walk around campus and locate my classes and speak with my professors. I finished about 4:30, but still no one was in their room, so I decided to go to subway and get my dinner. I went back to the room, and found my roommate and one of the other girls (soon to be known as the ďWITCHĒ) in our suite. My roommate introduced us and she told me she had a roommate, but she was having dinner with some friends. My roommate and the ďwitchĒ said they were on their way to get something to eat also and they would return soon, so I continued with my book and sandwich.
Then at 8:30 pm Wednesday night a knock on the door startled me. I opened it and I swear a chill ran through my body and my hands started to sweat. She opened her mouth and said, ďHi, my name is (names have been changed to protected the innocent) princess.Ē She said she was looking forward to meeting me because she had met everyone in the suite, and had gotten to know everyone a little since Sunday and wondered if I would show up for the semester. Princess said, she was going to study, but I could come over anytime I wanted. Her words, the way she said them were really kind and sincere. Before I continue with this story, I just want to make it clear that when I first saw Princess and had those feelings, I really didnít think it was sexual. I wasnít thinking about the possibility of her being my girlfriend or being in relationship with her. Her presence just made me feel good and happy.
Within the next three weeks of the semester my roommate and I started to develop a friendship that continued throughout the semester. I also became friends with Princess and the ďwitch.Ē All three of us started to develop a friendship with each other and together. We began to hang out together even if it was just sitting in each otherís room watching videos or talking about what was happening on campus that week. I have to say I was surprised, lucky, and blessed to have found a roommate who was as kind and generous as my roommate. Then to also find that the other girl in the suite (princess) was also kind and generous, I knew this would turn out to be a great semester.
Princess and I spent a lot of time together over that semester. We talked about boyfriends (mostly hers), our families, our virginity or lack there of, or anything silly or serious we felt like sharing with each other. We really got to like hanging out with each other. We would work out together, occasionally each lunch or dinner together, or just hangout in her room. Then it happened, we went to our rooms to change for the gym, and she had on a small white t-shirt and tight work out pants and my mouth dropped. It was the first time I saw her as this beautiful attractive woman. Before, I just thought of her as this sweet, kind, and funny friend. Now, I couldnít take my eyes off of her, I noticed how round and firm her ass was, how perfectly shaped and erect her breast were, and how even more beautiful she looked when she smiled. At that moment I knew I needed to think of some excuse not to go to the gym with her, because I couldnít take my eyes off of her. I was afraid that someone would notice the way I looked at her, and more importantly I was afraid she might notice. I couldnít believe this was happening now, we had known each other for over two months. Why was I all of a sudden attracted to my friend?
I avoided being around her for a couple of days, but my need to see her and be with her made that impossible. I think every time we were alone, when she was typing my papers, or alone in her room talking, I fell in love with her. I would make sure I left my 11:00 class on time, because I knew I would see her gong to her next class. I purposely stayed on campus whenever I heard her say she was staying for the weekend. Yes, I had it bad for princess. Yet, I dared not make my true feelings known to her. The more time I spent with her the stronger my feelings for her became. I didnít know how I would be able to hide them from her.
However, those times with her werenít always happy. I often felt more pain being with her than I could ever imagine. Like I said before, she often talked about her boyfriends, and one in particular who wanted to marry her. He always called her, gave her the really cute stuffed animals, and really beautiful cards. I remember when she told me about him I became sick to my stomach. I also felt bad because someone I considered a friend told me something (she seemed to be happy about) in confidence and I couldnít be completely happy about. I remember I made up some lame excuse and went back to my room.
The end of the semester was near, but I still hadnít told her of my true feelings, yet sometimes when we were alone she would look at me I felt in my heart she new. Now, Iím not sure if this is me projecting my feeling on her, but I think deep down she new and maybe even liked that I was attracted to her.
The following semester my feelings for her were just as strong, but I still didnít let me true feeling be known. I decided that if I told her our friendship may be ruined forever, and I valued our friendship too much to let that happen. However, my not telling her also would save me from possible rejection by her. Nevertheless, in my gut I feel on some level if I told her my true feelings should would not be horrified or reject me, but she may have liked that I was attracted to her.
Then one day unexpectedly I had the opportunity to talk with her on the phone, but through unforeseen circumstances, I was only able to say hello and goodbye. However I did send her something in the mail that was intended to express my true feelings, but I decided to be a little subtler. Therefore, I decided to send something that was personal, but also some thing that said I liked her as a friend. I f she did know how I felt about her she would know what the package means, if she didnít she would just think it was a friend reminding her that I enjoyed our friendship at school. Right now itís to soon to expect a reply either way but I am hoping for one even if itís her saying that she too enjoyed our friendship.

P.S. If you are wondering why Iím being a little coy about the names and school, itís because there a chance that she may get the opportunity to read this and I donít know if either one of us is truly ready for that to happen.

Copyright © 2002. Used with author's permission.


Return to Personal Essay Index.

Navigation Literature Art Gallery SpiritSpace Links Cherry Grove S and M 101 Blog The Steam Room Relationships Albums OtherWords The Library Survey FAQs Tales Of The Talented Tongue Skyview Writer's Resources