She attends services every Sunday faithfully with her mother and infant sisters. Her mother just recently feeling the need to get right with God has found a church family she can feel comfortable with and has begun to grow within the family of God. The Daughter who desires to please her mother, naturally begins to get involved as well. Singing in the choir, attending Sunday school, participating in the Christmas and Easter pageants, taking church trips, meeting and fellow-shipping with other children of God all appeal to her budding mind. After about a year one certain church trip changes her whole perspective.|
On this particular trip her choir was the guest choir for another church’s anniversary. Her church had rented a charter bus and all of the kids were excited to be riding on a bus with a bathroom in the back. Prior to the service she and some of her friends were on the bus. They were called to come into the church for the start of services. One of the other girls had to use the restroom and she decides to wait for her friend. For reasons unknown to her she felt compelled to also accompany her to the back and out of curiosity while the other girl was using the restroom she peaked in through the latch hole. She giggles and playfully taunts “I see you.”
The other girl horrified and embarrassed hollers at her “EWW! What’s wrong with you? You’re disgusting!”
She immediately becomes ashamed of her own actions and unsure of how to reply stutters, “I . . . I was just playing.”
“Your nasty, I’m telling!”
“No, don’t tell. I was just playing.”
Her friend, who was several years older than her, told the other girls who immediately turned on her. Taunting her the rest of the service. “You nasty.”
Embarrassed and outcast from the other girls she immediately boards the bus after service and retreats alone to the back of the bus. Where one of the older boys join her. They ride alone in the back of the bus in the dark. “I like you.” He says. She doesn’t reply. “I want you to be my girlfriend.”
She looks at him incredulously. “What?”
“I want you to be my girlfriend.”
She doesn’t know what to think. She knew him well, because his parents and her mother got along very well. They always did things together. She never really looked at him as more than a friend. Too young to really fathom the idea of having a boyfriend, she herself was known as a tomboy. Popping wheelies on her bike, swinging in trees, building forts, and playing football and ‘Dukes of Hazard’ with the boys had more appeal to her. More so, than prancing around on a boy’s side.
“OK,” she shrugged apathetically.
“Okay, that means you have to kiss me.”
“Yeah, right here.”
“I don’t know?”
“You’re my girlfriend and we are supposed to.”
He covers both of their faces with his jacket and leans in to kiss her. She quickly pecks him on his cheek and pulls back. “No not like that. Like this.” He pulls her back to him and plants his lips on hers. She pulls back and twists her head but he is determined and grabs her tighter until she gives in and lets him force his tongue in her mouth. When he is satisfied he lets her go. She looks around ashamed to see if anyone saw what happened, but no one was paying them any mind. They were either sleep or talking. The duration of the ride home he would occasionally pull the jacket over their heads and kiss her. When they arrived back at their church.
He grabs her. “Remember you are my girlfriend now.” Then they parted and headed home with their families.
“What is this about you watching Amy in the bathroom.”
“Amy told us you were watching her in the bathroom. Now you know better than that. Why did you do that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Girls are not supposed to do that. What’s wrong with you? You better watch yourself. God doesn’t like that.”
“But mom, I was just . . .”
“I don’t care you don’t do that ever again. Matter of fact from now on you stay with me on these trips.”
She puts her head down. Her mother was so disappointed with her about that. Imagine how she would feel if she told her about her boyfriend. So she sits back and looks out the window silent. Her dad is at work when they return home. She takes her bath and brushes her teeth extra long that night.
The next Sunday She had to go to the bathroom. When She gets done her “boyfriend” is waiting outside the door. He takes her hand and leads her outside to the backside of the church. This time he wanted more than a kiss. He had her place her hand in his pants and hold him as he wiggled in her hand. She wanted to run but he had her against the wall. He started to lift up her skirt. She remembered a talk her mom had told her about good touch, bad touch. She knew that this definitely not a good touch.
Things, went like that for over a year. To make matters worse her mother doted on the young man and spent a lot of time with his mother. She sometimes would baby-sit him. Sending the two to “play” downstairs or in another part of the house while she attended to other things. Oblivious to the discomfort her daughter was feeling. Fortunately for her daughter there was no penetration, not that he did not try, it was just that didn’t know what he was doing.
It got so that she tried to stay around the grown up members of the church as much as she could to avoid him. But, adults tend not to want children in their business. Due to the bus trip and other incidents the other girls her age had long since cast her out of their group. Being such a tomboy she had nothing in common with them anyway. So between the older women of the church and him she rarely socialized with anyone at church events. Her mother had gotten deeper into her relationship with God, not appearing to notice the change in her daughter’s social life.
Eventually, her mother out grew that church and moved to a smaller church with no association to the first. Finally, She was free. No more boyfriend, at least not on regular basis. They still visited on occasion, but that was very rare. When her mother moved out to the new church She was entering middle school. That’s when her mother felt it was time to tell her about sex. Not realizing her daughter was more experience than most other preteens; she had her daughter read a Christian book on teenage years in which the act of sexual intercourse was among several other topics that teens must confront. After they read the book she told her that sex was to be done within marriage, if not it was a sin. God and her future husband would want her to be pure. She also warned her that boys talk and that if she did one they would tell all of their boys that he had her and she was easy. She listened with a weight on her mind and heart. She wanted to speak up and tell her mother what she had been through, but was afraid her mother would be disappointed so again she held it in. Not knowing that she was technically a virgin.
However, what her mother said came true. Her “boyfriend” was friends with a neighbor of hers and he shared with him all the things he had done to her. So one day she was playing with the neighbor and he groped her. She had known him most of her life and she had trusted him now he too was touching her. He informed her that he knew her other “Boyfriend” and he had told him everything.
“You know Tommy?”
“Tommy who?” She nervously answers.
“We used to go to the same church.”
“Yeah, and he was your boyfriend and you let him kiss you. And you let him play with your privacy.”
“How do you know?” Her voice trembled.
“He told me.”
“Uh huh, and I’m going to tell everyone else if you don’t let me be your boyfriend too.”
She felt so small and ashamed when he approached her like that. She did not know what to do or know whom to turn to.
So, it began all over for her. Only, this time her innocence was completely lost. She was now at an age where it was expected for a girl to be curious about having a boyfriend and here she really wanted to get rid of one or two. She was confused because all her female friends had crushes, boyfriends, or were looking. Her mother’s reactions to her growing teenager did not help matters. Anytime She would show any type of interest in a boy her mother would literally have a conniption and would lecture and embarrass her. In fact she even restricted her unsupervised social time out doors pulling her inside to cook, clean, and study. This was almost unbearable to her tomboyish active daughter who had not yet outgrown her desire to race bikes, sit in trees, and play football, and basketball. She began to hole up in her room to daydream and read.
Her mother had begun to work again and She was left at home to take care of her younger sisters. Her younger sisters looked up to Her and had come to respect their older sister, at times listening to her over their mother. As She was very protective of them to the extent of even taking what she deemed as unnecessary punishment for them or sometimes hiding them from punishment until their father came home. Then he would defend them and usually a war would erupt. Of course, they had their disagreements as all siblings do. But, the love was still there.
With no adult at home her new boyfriend would pop in. Funny though, he never socialized with her outside of Her house. She had begun to channel her energy into after school sports, mainly basketball. She also picked out some ‘role models’ (mostly other older females who were either athletes, famous, or either real nice to her) that she admired and tried to emulate them. Not only emulate but also pretend to be in their exclusive circles. Quickly and successfully, She built her reputation as a jock. She enjoyed playing and interacting within a team. In PE classes, She was mixed in with the boys for teams, which did not bother her at all. As a matter of fact, her success on the court boosted her confidence and she was not as shy anymore. She had a peer group of friends, they were not in the “In” crowd however, they were not in the “Out” crowd neither. Most of them were somehow involved with athletics. She was getting smarter, stronger and, more assure of herself. She began to boldly speak her mind, especially to her mother.
She started to rebel against the beliefs her mother was force feeding her. Her strong willed stubborn ways drove an even deeper wedge into an increasingly unstable family predicament. Her mother would complain to her father about her lack of respect and stubbornness. In turn, he would defend his daughter thus another argument would ensue. He knew his daughter was good kid, but her mother thought She was too hardheaded. Their differing opinions on religion was really the root. She thought like her father. Her mother did not like that. Her mother also did not like the fact that her younger sisters would listen to their older sister more than to her. Her mother eventually decided that they needed counseling and would attend counseling sessions separately with her husband and her older daughter. If a point that one of two were trying to make was agreed with by the counselor, she would end the sessions with that counselor. Her mother began to get more critical of her and would blame a lot of the family problems on her. Often times, complaining to her brothers and sisters in Christ (her adult Christian friends, and her blood siblings). They in turn would chastise her daughter calling her disrespectful, ungrateful, hardheaded insult after insult. They did this in the presence of the mother who would not defend her and sometimes joining in. This tore the daughter up inside, but She refused to let it show and in turn pulled away from her mother.
Also, in high school She was reunited with her first boyfriend. But, being older, wiser, and more assertive She avoided him like the plague and not even acknowledging him in the halls. This is when She discovered that he was much older than what she had thought. She also found out how he and her neighbor knew each other. They were both enrolled in the county special education program. In her county all of the children with learning challenges were all brought to one campus where they could be worked with. Upon this discovery and being a teenager she was even more embarrassed. What would happen if it got out that she was involved with two “retards?” Her reputation was truly on the line. She decided that it must never get out that she had been with them. So to keep her neighbor quiet she did whatever he wanted her to do to appease him. The other one she cut off completely.
Finally, towards the end her senior year she cut her “boyfriend” loose. She told him she didn’t want him to bother her any more. He didn’t disappear instantly though. He would still drop in on her and knock on her door. Sometimes she would answer sometimes she wouldn’t. She had a fear that he might try to get her sisters if She didn’t give in. He never ever had implied he would try something, but from her own experience she imagined that scenario in her head.
By now the relationship between her father and mother had completely deteriorated. They could not resolve their issues. Her senior year in high school, her mother decided to leave and took her younger sisters with her. The next time she saw her sisters was at her graduation several months later. They were already practically inseparable but they were now bonding in a way that She would never be able to. She was heading off to college and they were about to endure a bitter custody battle and divorce together.
Her love for sports had paid off and she had earned a full basketball scholarship. That had been her goal since middle school. Despite having asthma, graduating in only the top 50% of her high school class, and enduring her mother’s constant criticism of her passion for athletics, with her father and sister's support she was able to achieve it. Now, all of a sudden the whole family, including her mother, was proud of her.
Looking forward to an exciting and fresh beginning she was quickly deflated when she was treated as the freshman she was. Especially by the upperclassmen, who were not so happy to get a new coach, hence new competition for their playing time. She was benched halfway through her first season. She stayed benched pretty much the rest of her college career. Her whole confidence had been built on her athletic prowess, hence with that taken from her she became average. Being so far way from her comfort zone made things even harder. Her first semester, she spoke with her father every night for at least an hour or so by the end of the year calls had slowed to once a week. Her first 2 years of college had its ups but more downs.
She began to come out of her shell halfway through her junior year when she switched her major. She had started off in pursuit of a master’s degree in physical therapy. Upon realizing she was not a scientific minded person she went with something she knew best, expression, both written, verbally, and artistically. She switched her major English with an emphasis in telecommunications. In doing so she discovered the drama club and poetry. She had kept journals all her life and did very well in all of her English courses. So her studies came easily and naturally, plus she had another outlet other than athletically to express her inner feelings.
She had male friends and a few crushes, but never more than that. She was probably one of the only celibate college students in history. She did, however, have a few encounters during her summers at home. However, on campus she touched no one. The notion of sex had lost its appeal to her. She did not enjoy any of her past experiences and could not understand all the raving. She had no desire to pursue any sexual encounters. Even though, there were plenty of guys were offering their services.
Being on woman’s basketball team had it’s perk, but being a female athlete also had a stigma attached. She lived with the team and associated with the team as well as all the other athletes. She felt comfortable and at home with other woman who loved sports as she did, who also dressed as she did, and thought as she did. The year she began 3 other newcomers began with her. Only one of those 3 graduated and participated all 4 years along with her. They were really close her freshman year. She felt as she had a bond with her, but could not place it. Halfway through their freshman year, it came out that her new close friend was gay. Immediately the rest of the team ousted her. She had never confronted homosexuality, especially in such an in your face type of setting. At first, She blindly followed the rest of the team’s example and kept her distance. Deep down inside she knew that this was wrong. After all her teammate had never disrespected her and she felt no reason to turn her back on her. So she attempted to rebuild the friendship, but things were never truly reconciled between the two. It didn’t matter how much the team tried to distance themselves from the issue of homosexuality the word on the campus was that the team was gay. It really didn’t help with each incoming class at least two new team members were lesbians. To her as long as they treated her well she would treat them well. To her they were cooler to hang with anyway.
She was required to stay an extra semester in order to complete her degree due to her late major switch. She had just experienced another futile crush on an attractive young man. In reality they were friends, but something was just not right and they ended up keeping their relationship on a platonic level. Her whole attempt at the relationship thing was peculiar, as she was usually the chaser resulting in the guy playing with her. By then there was a new rainbow sister on the team a very boyish, bold, and brash young lady whose persona had a very strong appeal to Her. Whenever this teammate was around, She noticed that a weird tension would build. She would feel a warm tingly pleasant vibe and a sense of connection, similar to “butterflies in the stomach.” Not accustomed to this reaction she found herself freezing up and not knowing how to react.
Also one of the new team managers, a female, would elicit the same type of vibe within her. The manager would constantly cling to Her whenever She dropped in to observe a practice. The manager would greet her by hugging her tightly and would affectionately lean against her as She watched from the sidelines. The manger seemed to pick up on something within her. At first, She felt uncomfortable about this public display. Soon, She became used to it and often looked forward to running into her around campus. She was growing curious as to why this woman was acting this way around her, and why She herself was actually enjoying her affectionate greetings. She also began to notice other tomboyish women around campus eyeing her. Something she had never been in tune with before. Their gaze amused, intrigued, and frightened her, She was not yet ready to deal with her feelings.
Her parents divorce was finalized a couple of months before her college graduation. Within a month or so after her graduation graduating, She found that she missed the college world. And, especially missed her special teammates. Longing to call and check up on them as well as the affectionate manager, however, she did not, because she felt it would be awkward talking to them. She rationalized in her mind they really wasn’t that tight, besides they probably wouldn’t keep in touch with her anyway. After all, part of life is moving on. People pass in and out of each other's life and you can't hang on to all of them.
It seemed that all her old high school friends were settled into their own lives and she was still drifting around with no plans. She busied herself working and preparing for an upcoming open WNBA tryout. She also spent a lot of time online, in chatrooms and all kinds of sites. Mainly, she looked at the lesbian and bi-curious sites where she would read the stories, articles and personals. The erotic stories appealed to her as they made sex seem exciting, and meaningful. She made many online friends with whom she could chat with whenever she was feeling lonely. Soon she got tired of it and decided to make a new friend. She placed a personal herself. After receiving a few replys she received one that seemed to be real. So they built a friendship online lasting over half a year.
When she attended the WNBA tryout she met some other women staying in her hotel, also trying out. They all immediately clicked and all hung out for the next four days. She found out that all of them were also “rainbow sisters.” They openly talked about their relationships with their female partners. This was different to her. She laughed and joked along with their stories all the while not fully understanding what they were speaking of.
On the first night they were sitting in one of the ladies room talking about the females at the tryout and their girls waiting at home. She was sitting in the corner listening quietly when the oldest one looks over at her. “So what about you boo? Are you family?”
All eyes locked on her. “Huh?”
“Do you have a girlfriend, sweetheart?
“Oh, Nah,” She bashfully acknowledges.
“Are you gay?”
“Not really,” She shrugs.
“Oh. You think it’s something you might want to do?”
“Yeah.” She smiles.
“Ahh boo,” She says knowingly, “Some girl’s going to blow your mind. You’ll love it.”
Being the youngest in their group they adopted her like she was a little sister making her feel comfortable and accepted. They cheered for each other, rode and walked together, played together, and looked out for each other the entire tryout. Even exchanging address and numbers to keep in contact. She left feeling rejuvenated and enlightened and more aware of the feelings that only the company of women could bring. When she returned home she made plans to meet her online friend in person.
She was not nervous upon their first meeting. It was in shopping mall close to where her friend lived. Since they had been corresponding online for close to 6 months they had somewhat of a history and the conversation flowed smoothly. After their first meeting the two grew closer and closer. Eventually, leading to a relationship, her first relationship at the age of 23. Unfortunately, due to her inexperience and other issues things did not work out, resulting in a mutual split. However, they rekindled the friendship and she had her first pleasurable sexual experience with her friend. Still not ready to accept who she was, she explored and had other experiences. Eventually the two tried again to have a relationship. The attempt blew up in both of their faces and they went their separate ways.
The need to be around more women grew and she found another online friend who introduced her to the club scene. Her first trip to the club She spent most of watching from the sidelines as women danced with women and was tripped out by the site of men dancing with men. She returned to the club alone several times. She never really approached anyone , mainly getting her drink on and occasionally getting pulled out on the floor.
One Saturday night after the drag show, while chilling on her stool sucking on a Budweiser, she was approached by a tall fine femme. “You are too cute to be sitting over here alone.”
She smiles and replys, “Thank you.”
“What’s your name?”
The conversation was interesting and she dances with her. The night flew by and at the end the woman grabs her hand and pulls her close to her. “Stay close to me, don’t go no where.”
Next thing She knew she was giving the lady a ride home. She invited her into her house and they talked for an hour or so. “Can I kiss you.”
Comfortable and aroused She says, “Yes.”
After that their bodies did the rest of the talking until the sun came up when they fell asleep wrapped up together. She remembers watching the day begin thinking, “this is right, before drifting into a peaceful sleep.
I am She and she is me. Looking back, it was hard to differentiate the exact moment I realized who and what I am. Even looking back now, I remember as a youth my tomboyish nature, looking at women and admiring their beauty, and being drawn to certain women in my life--not males. I believe I was born with my sexuality inside of me but I had to uncover it to discover who I was.
Everything I am meant to be is inside of me and certain situations (brought on by myself unconsciously) leads me to self-discovery. I still have much discovering to do.