An Age-Gap Love Affair
Phoenix Vaughn

Iíve looked high and low, in the stores, on the net, and I have been unable to find information on the age-gap relationships that exist within the union of our sister of color.

I know they are out there. I am still trying to let go of the fragments of the one I was in for almost two years. A sweeter love I donít think I will ever find again.

I know of others, within the community, who are involved in gaped relationships, where one partner has a 10 or more year age difference. What I have noticed is that most of the relationships I see, where there is a significant age difference, the younger person is usually, not always, the stud/AG. I wonder what the significance is of these types of relationships, and are there any that are successful.

For myself, as the older of our relationship, I valued the freshness energy and rawness that came out of being with a female almost two decades my junior. I also had enough maturity to understand that she had to spread her wings and fly, in order to have the experiences necessary for her to become the mature person she will one day be. The pain that I experience in accepting that she is moving on is that there is no bitterness.

I still see her everyday. I hold no animosity towards her, and the jealousy that I feel for her new girl is that I see my ex trying to duplicate the quality of our relationship within this new one. Her new girl is older but only by 7 years. I can also say that she was much more than a lover to me. We shared roles, ageless roles of friend, mentor, sister, aunt, daughter, and mother. I also know the contributing factor to her moving on was the stigma that came with people seeing me as some kind of pervert. It didnít help that she looked much younger than she was, and was much shorter than I.

The love I have for her will not dissipate with time; it is only morphing into something that is more palatable as I watch her in the distance. I know in my heart that there will always be something special between us. I watched her grow from a soft butch, to a thugged-out AG. I am even proud of the fact that she was able to pull the finest bi-female in our place of business (yeah, we worked together and the relationship was DL).

Were there issues? Absolutely! Her generation smokes a blunt after work to relax. My generation is full of drug counselors (who are mainly alcoholics). Her generation believes in "keeping it real". I was taught you had to have decorum. She was impulsive, I was more planned. I was conservative, she was radical. These were issues, not problems.

During the time we were together, there were no fights, few disagreements, and more communication than I have had in many relationships through the years. We compared and contrasted a lot of our life experiences. Our interests and dreams were very similar. We both enjoyed writing, movies, and music, especially gospel. She was a hell of a lot more social than I, and helped me to become more extroverted. I didn't try to mold her, and she didn't try to change me. In essence, our differences, and the gap between, was where we would meet, and where we grew to love.

There needs to be some communication about these types of relationships. They exist, but publicly, it usually involves a hetero relationship, with someone having money, fame or power, so it almost seems to be a privilege. But I know you are out there, loving your old lady or your young AG. Or somewhere in between. Wee need to hear your voice, I need to hear your voice. We need to be able to comfort, support and encourage one another in this quest to love and understand who it is that we love.

Copyright © 2003. Used with author's permission.

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