What is love? I mean what do you define as love? A lot of people throw that word around like it’s just a part of speech, but have no ideal what it represents.
I mean have you ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Not because they hurt you, but just because their love felt so damn good.
You know that kind of love that makes you want to call out sick to work every day. The type of love that makes you want to be Holly Homemaker? That kind of love that makes you cancel on your friends, even after they call you a punk. That real shit.
I’m talking about the type of love between two people that makes them both give up the world just be together. I used to think that true love something that happened to other people, then I met Shawn. And everything changed.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I was awakened out of my mid morning nap by the loudest knock in the world. I figured if I went back to sleep, they would go away. Then I heard that sound again.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I reluctantly threw on my robe and walked to the door.
“Who is it?” I said hoping I sounded tired.
“It’s Shawn. Is Mika here?” A voice with a deep Northern accent said on the other end of door.
“Nah, she’ll be back in an hour or two.” I opened the door slightly just enough to make eye-to-eye contact with the stranger on the other side of the door. Shawn was a honey colored sister with a slightly thick build, standing around 5’7, dressed in some dark brown corduroys and a cream turtleneck.
“Can I help you?’
“Uhmm…damn. She said she would be here. I was supposed to stay with her this week end for Homecoming.” Great, I thought. Unwelcome company at that. I’d have to talk to Mika about that.
“Oh, okay. Come in then. Sorry if I was rude, but I just woke up.” I said trying to help her with her bags in the hallway.
“It’s cool ma. I know how Mika can be. I bet she didn’t even tell you I was coming. Ghetto fabulous as ever.” We both laughed at that.
“I like your hair cut.” I said complimenting her in her short cut that reminded me of Nia Longs’ in The Best Man.
“Thanks. It took me like forever to get the courage to cut if off.” She said running her hand over her smooth crown.
“Well, let me show you to the guest room. Do you need help with your bags?”
I said trying to wake myself.
“Nah, I’m straight. Just show me to the bed.” She said smiling.
That weekend was one of the best memories I had of college. We partied every night and kicked it so hard that I slept through the classes on Monday. Still I didn’t regret it.
Shawn kept in touch with Miki and me during the remainder of the summer. When I decided to go to Atlanta for winter break to visit my aunt, I hooked up with Shawn and she took me to all of the hot spots. Chilling with Shawn reminded me of growing up with my best friends in Ft. Wayne. She was laid back and not to sidity like a lot of my other female friends. Nah, Shawn was just cool and smooth like that. And she was always looking out for me. In fact, she’s the first person I called when I landed an internship in Atlanta for the summer. And of course, big sister Shawn hooked it up for me and helped me find some summer housing near my internship. I was thrilled and excited to be heading over to Atlanta, as well as to have a friend in the city that I could kick it with. Then Tamika dropped the bomb a week before I left for the summer.
“Melanie. Are you busy?”
“No. What’s up?” I said, as I stopped packing noticing the concerned look on her face.
“I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.” I said sitting down on my bed.
“Well, this is kind of weird for me to say. But it’s about Shawn”
“What about her?” I was thinking that maybe Tamika was jealous of the relationship that had formed between Shawn and me.
“Man. Don’t freak out or nothing, but I figured you should know before you go down to Atlanta, cause you two are becoming so close.” She started fidgeting with her shirt and sat in the chair across from my bed.
“Go ahead.” I said feeling a pain building in my stomach.
“It’s just that I think that Shawn might be gay.”
“What? How do figure?”
“She’s my cousin Mel. She’s never dated any guys, and let’s just say that I’ve visited her in Atlanta, and there’s jus some things that don’t add up. Plus, the whole family thinks she’s gay, but we don’t bring up. Look, I’m not even trying to out her like that, but you my girl, so I thought you should know. I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t tell you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I mean what do you say to that? All I knew was that Shawn had become my friend, and nothing would change that.
I won’t front, I didn’t know what to think about the possibility of Shawn being gay and I had a lot of questions, but I figured that she would talk to me about it, if she wanted to talk to me about it when she was ready.
That summer in Atlanta was so laid back and peaceful for me. My last year in college was coming up, and the stress of graduation and adult responsibilities loomed over my head, so the ATL was a welcomed change. And Shawn who was so damn cool and laid back helped me see life from a new perspective. In fact, the more we talked about her life experiences, the more I realized how much we had in common. I began to realize that Shawn was very multi dimensional. While she was a computer geek, and worked for various businesses doing websites, she was also very level headed and down to earth. I felt like I could tell her things that I couldn’t tell Mika, because Shawn was so open-minded.
So I began to open up more to her and tell her personal things that I never discussed with Mika. I told her about growing up in a dysfunctional home and always feeling like I had to watch my back. Then I told her about getting pregnant and feeling like I was alone. During these confessionals, she would just look at me with so much understanding and compassion. I had never really considered to many people good enough friends to let them get close to me, but I let her. And in return she began to open up to me.
One afternoon, she called me and aid could I come over, because she wanted to tell me something. So I headed over to her apartment to hear what she had to say.
“Thanks for coming over so quick.” She said as she opened up the door. I noticed she had cut her hair again. It was shorter. It was still permed but didn’t have to many curls in it, but it framed her face perfectly.
“ I see you cut your hair again. Girl, yo about to be bald in a moment.”
“Whatever. It was getting kind of hot, so a sister had to get some relief somehow. So now, all I do is brush and go. Does it look bad?” She said sounding concerned.
“Nah. It’s tight on you. But my head is to big to carry that one.”
“You right about that.” She said emphasizing what she called my water head.
“Anyway, wassup? What you need to talk to me about?” I looked around her apartment for some type of indication of what she was gonna tell me. I wondered if she was going to tell me about her other life, but I doubted it.
“I don’t know how to tell you or if I should, but I think you should know. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. And I appreciate you opening up to me lie you have, so I want to tell you some things about me too.”
“Okay. I’m all ears.”
“I thought Mika had told you before you came down here, But I guess not. So I’m going to put it out there. I’m gay Mel.”
So there it was. She had confirmed what Mika had been hinting around at. Shawn was looking at me like she expected me to scream, but I was cool.
“Shawn, that is not going to change how I feel about you. Okayu? You still my dog.”
“Really? I can’t say I’m to shocked. I thought you would be cool, but you never know. But you seemed to relaxed about it. Tell me the truth, did Mika tell you?”
“Indirectly. She said that she thought you might be, but she didn’t offer any proof, so I just put it out of my mind.” Shawn shook her head at that and grimaced.
“Damn that girl talks to much. But I figured she knew something, cause she came down her to visit me during Labor Day and one of my friends was here talking all loud about hollering at females. I thought she was asleep, but I guess not.”
“Yesh, well she said that a lot of your peoples thought you was gay too.”
“I guess. But even if they knew it, they wouldn’t call me on it. So whatever. But are you cool? Do you still wanna kick it with me?”
“Why wouldn’t I? But I am curious about why you told me.”
“Because, I felt like you needed to know. There are to many things that I do naturally, that I can’t hide. And I don’t want to hide. I’m sick of hiding all the time.”
“It’s cool girl. Like I said, I am not a prude like that.” She smiled at me.
“No, you defiantly are not. And one more thing Mel.”
“Yes?” I felt myself relaxing, feeling privileged that she was able to tell me so honestly.
“Please don’t think, I’m trying to step to you. It’s not even like that.”
“Man, Shawn I would never have thought that. I am not that shallow. “
“Aight. That’s cool. So what do you want to do today?”
“Let’s go downtown. I have just one more question Shawn?”
“Is Tina gay?” I said referring to her best friend who would kick it with us during the weekend. She was kind of tomboyish, but I didn’t pay it any mind. Bu now I was looking at things differently.
“I thought so. She looked like she was kind of checking me out, when I met her.”
“You silly, girl, let’s go.”
From that point on the summer flew by and before I knew it the fourth of July holiday came and I decided to fly to Ft. Wayne to see my family. Shawn wanted me to go to Savannah with her and some of her friends, but I felt like I needed to get back home to think. So I spent most of my vacation, relaxing and spending time with my moms and my sister trying to sort out my life. Ironically, my sister had told me that Greg heard I was in town and had been trying to contact me desperately. And even though I was curious to know what he was up to, I decided that some things were better left alone. So I tried to stay lokey until I went back to Atlanta.
My last day at home, my mama hands me the phone and says it’s long distance.
“Wassup nigga? What you doing?”
“Who is this?” I said caught off guard.
“Yo mama1” I recognized that cyniciam anywhere.”
“SHAWN! What is up? How was Savannah?”
“Man, it was nice, but my friends were working my nerves. But I drank a lot. Yo need to go..I need to take you before the summer is out.”
“Really? I’d like that.”
“So how is Indiana?”
“Boring as ever girl. But I’ll be back in the ATL tomorrow.”
“Fo show! You need e to come pick you up?”
“I was going to catch the train. So I’m cool.”
“Well why don’t you catch the train to College Park, and I’ll run you home. What time you arriving here?”
“Tomorrow at 4:00 in the afternoon.”
“Aight, I’ll meet you at CP. So did you miss me?”
“Yeah, I missed your crazy ass.” I said laughing. She needed so much attention, I thought.
“I missed you too.” Silence. “Well I’ll let you get back to your family bonding.”
“Whatever. That’s cool. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.”
I spent the rest of my summer in a bubble with Shawn, not really thinking about returning back to school in the fall. I had fell in love so much, tat I had decided after graduation I wanted to come back to Atlanta. And my friendship with Shawn grew in leaps in bounds. I would talk to Mika every other week, but it was obvious that Shawn had and me had a friendship that I had never experienced with Mika. Something else was happening, I began to look at Shawn differently. Hell I don’t know what it was, but it was bugging the hell of me.
The realization that I was having feelings for Shawn hit me out of no where. I had never ever had any questionable feelings for a woman, yet I was feeling something with Shawn. I didn’t know if it was a fleeting feeling or just a genuine curiosity. But what I did know was I liked her, and I liked being with her and she made me happy. And while I had tried to suppress those feelings, it was obvious that I had to come clean. I had a crush on my friend Shawn who was a girl!
“So what’s on your mind girl?” I had gone over to Shawn’s apartment to talk to her about how I was feeling. “Is this about you and Mika?”
“Nah, this isn’t about Mika.” I said twitching in my seat.
“Okay. Then what’s up? You look perturbed.”
“Look, I know this is going to sound crazy as hell.”
“What? Just say it. Start from the beginning.”
“I don’t know how to say it.” She came over to the couch and sat by me.
“Just open up your mouth and speak. You know you can talk to me. What’s the problem?”
“I like you Shawn.”
“I like you too.” She said smiling.
“Nah. Nah. You don’t understand. I like you. ” I emphasized the word like. Her mouth just dropped open and she looked at me like I was crazy.
“What are you talking about Melanie? This is a joke right?” She arose from the couch and tried to laugh my confession off. “You are so funny!”
“Shawn…listen. This isn’t a joke. I’ve been feeling this way all summer. I just tried to shake it off, cause I thought I was curious.”
“You are curious Mel. You’ve never even been with a woman. You just think you like me. A lot of girls have crushes on their friends. Trust me, it will go away.”
“Shawn. Do you seriously think I would have even brought this issue up if I thought it was merely a crush? I don’t know how it happened, it just happened.”
“But this can’t be happening. You don’t know…” she said and stopped.
So we just both sat there in the room in silence listening to the click of the clock, until she broke the silence.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah. Kind of.”
“Let’s go catch something to eat and we’ll talk some more there.” I kept trying to read her thoughts but her face was expressionless.
“Okay. Look Shawn…” She cut me off before a started.
“Don’t Mel.” She said, as she pulled her car keys from her pocket. “It’s okay.” She smiled at me.
We went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I told her of my trip to Indiana and how my parents were getting on my nerves. She seemed attentive, but I could tell she wasn’t her normal carefree self, and I have to admit I was feeling uncomfortable as well. What did I do? I could only imagine what Shawn thought about my little realization. She had already told me that she didn’t do the bi-sexual thing, which I guess would include me. But I just knew what I was feeling for Shawn is something that I have never in my life felt before.
On our ride back to my crib, Shawn barely talked about what I said earlier. She just mostly listened to me talk and seemed to be off in a daze. I had never seen this side of her. The Shawn I knew was attentive, crazy and funny. This Shawn was cold and removed.
As I unpacked my luggage after being dropped off by Shawn, I began to replay everything that had transpired that night. It’s funny, I used to think that same sex relationships were based on a sexual attraction, but I knew now that it was so much more. True enough I was attracted to Shawn, but it was mental and emotional. She was a lady in a gentleman like fashion. She was someone that I could rally count on. She was that one friend who was never judgmental, petty or vindictive. Most of all, she was supportive and there when I needed her.
Funny as it may seem, I wasn’t in denial that Shawn was a woman. It’s just that I saw past that. What I saw when I looked at Shawn was a person I was starting to are greatly about.
If I said that Shawn and my relationship didn’t change from that point, I would be lying. She never brought that conversation back up, but I could tell from her actions that she was distancing herself from me. So I continued to throw myself into my job, until it was time for me to fly back to Louisiana for school that fall. I figured that whatever I thought I was feeling for Shawn would go away once I was safe back at school
I arrived back at Grambling that fall with a lot on my mind. Even though Tamika and I were still cool, I decided to get my own apartment to cut down on confusion if Shawn ever came to visit. Don’t get me wring, I did want to see her, but I didn’t want to put her in any awkward situations. And Tamika had hinted to me that she had gotten pretty serious with her boyfriend over the summer, so I figured our time together would be limited anyway. So I decided to focus on my grades and getting the hell out of school in the spring.
Everything was working out fine for me until I received a call from home.
“May I speak to Melanie?”
“This is she.”
“What’s up girl?” It sounded familiar. Could it be?
“Hey, it’s Greg.”
What? I’ve been in school for how long and he tracks me down now.
“Hey?” I said feebly
“I was calling to let you know I’ll be coming down there in a few weeks with some frat brothers of mine. I’d like to see you.”
“Uhmm…I don’t know if I’ll be available then.” I lied.
“Well, if you are, I would love to take you out to eat, so we can catch up. I talk to your moms all the time, but its’ not the same as talking to you.” Here he gos tryong to flatter me I thought.
“Okay. Well when you’ re in town, give me call and we’ll see what happens.” I said, thinking in the back of my mind, why couldn’t that have been Shawn calling me.
A few weeks later, I bumped into Tamika after one of my classes. After preaching to me about staying in touch with her, she told me that Shawn had called and had asked about me. I was in shock, but I hid all emotion, so that Mika wouldn’t be able to tell what I was thinking.
“So how is she doing?”
“She’s fine. She just moved into a condo in Midtown. She invited us to come down there to visit during Thanksgiving. I dunno if I’ll be able to do that this year though. I promised Mike, I’d go home with him.” She blushed at the mere mention of he boyfriend.
“Look at you all in love and shit!”
“Yeah. That’s my boo. So what is going on with you?”
“Nothing, but school. Girl, my ex called and said he’d be down here in a few weeks, but I am not even trying to entertain that tired nigga.” She busted up laughing.
“Yeah? Well, keep you options open. You know Homecoming is right around the corner. And the brothers come in bunches then.”
“Girl, I know.” But the truth of the matter was I didn’t even care anymore.
“Well, let me go. But make sure that you get in contact with me the week of Homecoming. Shawn said she might be coming down and she wants us to hook up. You know how we did it last year.” I laughed at that one.
“Okay girl. I’ll give you a call.” I said as I grabbed the rest of my stuff an headed home.
Sometimes I can be such a punk. For instance, here I am against my better judgment eating dinner with Greg . As promised he came in town with some of his “brush” for our homecoming. I should have known that he wasn’t just making a random trip down here. While, I didn’t want to go out with him, I did want to get out of my isolated apartment. It was Homecoming weekend after all, and I hadn’t heard from Mika ,so I assumed that she was chilling with Mike.
“So, what are you doing after college?”
“I’m moving to Atlanta probably.” I said playing in my food and avoiding all eye contact.
“Really? What do your parents think of that?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t really discussed it with them.” I already had an idea where this was headed.
“Atlanta is a big city, I mean it’s not like Ft. Wayne.”
“And what is your point. I never liked Ft. Wayne, and hell I need som change.”
“I’m just saying maybe you should think about getting established at home first before moving there. I wasn’t trying to offend you.” I decided to change the topic.
“Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. SO what’s new in your life?”
“Nothing much. I’m still working for the state, and trying to get a promotion. My supervisor said once I get my degree, I can expect a nice pay raise.”
“Really? Well that should make you happy.”
“It would make me happier if I had someone to share it with.” He said staring me deeply in the eyes. Stop the drama I thought.
“Yeah, well you know some things take time. I thought you was dating someone from your school.”
“I was, but that didn’t work out. She didn’t know me…like you.” Another pause.
Sometimes I think Greg was in an ultimate state if denial. We hadn’t been together for almost five years, yet here he was blatantly shooting game at me. Even if I was lonely and going through some emotional schism, there was no way, I was gonna go back to that. Life with Greg amounted to getting married, having his kids and living for him. I had chosen early on in life to avoid that path.
“Well Greg, it takes time for anyone to get to know you. I mean you are a private person. But once you open up to a person, they’ll see what I saw.” I said smiling placing my hands on his.
“Well what do we have here!?” I turned my head to see a smiling Tamika standing next to Shawn, who’s eyes were transfixed on my hand on top of Gregs.
“Hello Melanie. Long time no see.” Shawn said smiling out of the corner of her lips.
“Who’s your friend Melanie. Have you been hiding something from me?”
“No, Tamika.” I said shaking my head emphatically. More so for Shawn, then anything else. “This is an old friend of mine, Greg. Greg, this Mika, my old roommate. And her cousin Shawn.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“So I see you’re gonna be busy this weekend girl.” Mika blinked her eye at me. Why did she have to go there? Especially, since she had Shawn with her. Even though Shawn had indirectly made it clear that she wasn’t trying to see me like that, I still didn’t want her to think I was with Greg.
“Actually, I don’t have any plans. Greg is here visiting with some of his bruhs. What are you two gong to do this weekend?” I said looking at Shawn who was attempting to avoid making eye contact with me.
“We’re going to the party tonight, and possibly the game. Shawn wants to go to the Step show, but I promised Mike I would go to the mall with him tomorrow during eh show, so that we could get outfits for the concert tomorrow night. Maybe, you and Shawn can go to the step show together. So what frat are you in Greg?” Tamika said pulling up a seat to the table and becoming engrossed in a conversation with Greg on Greek life.
Meanwhile, all I could do was stare at Shawn. She was looking good. She had let her hair grow back again. It was in a short spiked cut that kinda looked masculine, but then gain it framed her face nicely. She was still au natural, but her skin seemed to glow. And for the first time, I noticed what nice lips she had. She was wearing a pair of plain front khakis and a bright yellow v-neck sweater that brought out her skin color. She was looking good.
“Tamika. I’m hungry. Stop talking that man to death and let’s eat.” Shawn said breaking my thoughts.
“My bag. Okay, well it was nice meeting you Greg. Mel, make sure you calk us tomorrow, so we can hook up.”
“I’ll do that.” I said looking at Shawn out of the corner of my eyes wondering what she was thinking.
“You two have a nice evening.” Shawn said looking at Greg and then me. Now I knew.
That night I could barely sleep. I don’t know if it was the thought of Shawn being in town or the fact that seeing her brought everything that had happened that summer back into my mind. I didn’t know how Shawn had felt before she came down, but I’m sure that after seeing me with Greg, she had a different view of me. Unfortunately, I don’t think it was a pleasant one.
What can I say? I am not a sports fan. And football was on top of the list o my least favorite sports, but as usual I decided to attend the game because Homecoming was special. It was a social event and everyone came to the game for the show which was the people.
I had decided to attend the game with Tamika and Shawn after all. I spent most of my time talking to Mika, and trying to avoid conversation with Shawn. She must have picked up on that, because she pretty much stayed clear of conversation with me. Then again, she was really into the game or maybe she was thinking.
We stayed for the half time show to watch the Marching Tiger Band who gave an excellent show as always, and then we headed to the gates to meet Mike who was picking Mika up.
“So are you two going to the step show, or do ya’ll wanna head out to the mall with us?” Mika said looking fir Mike in the parade of cars.
Shawn and I looked at each other and laughed. The previous summer we had talked about how Mika could shop for hours without a thought.
“I’m good. I’ll just go to the step show or I’ll be back at your crib.”
“Yeah, me too. You have a nice time though.”
“Girl, I will. But you two call me on my cell if anything pops off. Mike and I are going to the concert, so we can all hook up there if you like.” Just then, she saw Mike pull up in his Mitsubishi Galant, and she started cheesing.
“Hey boo…” she said giving him a kiss on the cheek before getting in the car. Mike nodded to us in recognition. “I’ll talk to you two later.” Mika said waving to us, as they drove away from the stadium.
So here I was alone with Shawn, the moment of reckoning. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. She looked at me and bit her lip.
“Do you want to go to the Step show?”
“Do you want to talk?” She said sheepishly.
We headed to my car and drove to my apartment a few minutes away. We didn’t speak during that time. We just sat there and listened to the radio attempting to drown out our thoughts of what was about to transpire. A few minutes later, we were walking into the door of my apartment. I sat in a love seat and Shawn sat in a chair. I turned on the television to break up the silence between us.
“So what’s been up?”
“Nothing much. Just school, school and school.”
“Yeah? Mika had told me you stayed to yourself a lot.”
“I do. I’m trying to make sure that I graduate in the Spring, so I can move on with my life.” I said, getting up to walk into my kitchen.
“Are you thirsty?”
“No. So that was Mike.”
“Yeah, that was him.”
“He’s nothing like I pictured him. You two looked pretty close last night. He must still want you.”
“He’s just lonely. Anyway, he can’t have me.” I said confidently.
“Is that right? So what are you doing after graduation?”
“I’m moving to Atlanta.”
“Atlanta?” She said slowly, as if trying to register it in her mind. “When dod you decide on Atlanta?”
“This summer. I fell in love with it this summer.” I said sitting back in my seat looking at her. She was smiling at me.
“That’s cool. I can really see you in Atlanta doing your thing.”
“So did you ever tell Mika?”
“Huh? Tell her what?” She said looking at me in shock.
“What I told you this summer.” Shawn rubbed her hands over her head and just sat there, with hr head down.
“Why would I do that?”
“I dunno. Maybe because I was playing myself.” She looked up at me.
“You didn’t play yourself. You were just being honest. And I was being immature, cause I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“It’s not your fault. It kind of came out of no where.” I said feeling my stomach muscles tighten and now feeling nauseous.
“No. Melanie. We had gotten really close, and I did the worst thing a friends can do, I turned my back on you.”
“At least we’re talking about it now. I thought I would have to go through this entire weekend feeling tense around you.”
"Tense around me? Why?" She said as she came over to the couch and sat by me.
"I didn’t know how you were feeling being around me now. I knew you were uncomfortable this summer, and I didn’t know if that had changed.
"I was a little surprised Mel. But I think I understand it a little more now. I just don’t want you to do something you might regret.”
"Thanks for looking out for me, but I am a big girl.”
“I know. Look I don’t want to lose you as a friend Melanie. You mean a lot to me. And I missed talking to you this summer.”
“I missed you too.”
“Nah. Now I think you don’t get it.” She said touching my face, like I was a china doll.. “Melanie, I missed you.”
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I had given up on Shawn, the moment she rejected me, and my feelings had left. At least that is what I thought until I was sitting face to face with her.
“Shawn, you don’t have to…” My words were cut short by a kiss on my bottom lips, as I felt her pull my face closer to hers. That one kiss made me feel so many emotions at once. I breathed deeply through my nose as I felt her tongue travel throughout the caverns of my mouth. Her hands which were now running down my back, were pulling my body closer. Then she stopped.
"What`s wrong?" I said trying to gain my composure and breath.
"Man, I’m really feeling you. I’ve been lying to myself this entire time. I thought you was tripping when you told me how you felt this summer, but I felt it too.”
“So what’s the problem?” She looked at me shaking her head.
“You are not gay Mel. You haven’t even looked at a woman before me, have you?” I shook my head no.
“So what. I know I care about you Shawn. Don’t you think I’m scared too?”
“I know Mel. But I can’t. This is crazy!" She pulled away.
"Why? Because I’m not gay or because you feel it too?" She looked at me cock eyed.
"Because it’s going to cause confusion! You don’t know me like that Mel, and you sure as hell don’t know how hard it is being gay. I need to leave you alone while I have a chance, before I fuck up our friendship and your life.”
All of a sudden my phone rang. It was Mika. Her and Mike wouldn’t be at the concert until late, because they were going to some party that one of his boys were throwing. She gave me the directions if Shawn or I wanted to come. I said I would talk to her later and hung up the phone, placing all of my attention back on Shawn.
“That was Mika. She said she would catch up with us later.”
“Figures. My cousin can be so damn rude sometimes.” Shawn said playing with her hands.
“Yeah, well you know how it be with her. Look I’m sorry for trying to push you. I respect what you have to say, and I don’t want to jeopardize what we have fir something that may not become a reality. I won’t front. I like you Shawn. And no, I’ve never never ever looked a woman before, but I’m digging you.” I confessed.
“Thanks. I consider that a compliment coming from you.”
“Well, what do we do now?”
“Let’s go eat.” She said getting up from the couch and pulling me with her. She gave me a deep hug and pecked me on the lips. At least that was a start I thought to myself.
Later on that evening, we hooked up with Mika and Mike and went to the concert. Afterwards, Mika went home with Mike and Shawn took her car and drove me to my apartment.
“So did you have a nice weekend?” I asked Shawn, as we pulled into my parking lot.
“It was cool. Better than I expected.”
“Really? That’s good. Well I’ll probably be busy tomorrow, so I won’t be able to see you off, but give me a call when you get back to Atlanta.”
“I will. Can I walk you to the door?”
“Of course.” We walked to the door slowly and just stood there for a few seconds stalling for time. Then I did something crazy, I unlocked the door to my apartment and pulled her inside with insurmountable urgency. While she tried to fight it at first, she eventually gave in and pushed me back against the wall, as she ran her fingers through my hair kissing me like her life depended on it. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I knew whatever it was, I was ready for it.
“Melanie. Baby..I don’t know.” That was the first time she had ever called me baby, and it made my heart melt. I looked her in the eyes and told her what I had been feeling.
“Damn it. Can we just go with the flow? Stop trying to rationalize everything! You feeling me right?” I had never been so blunt or aggressive in my life. Yet I felt like this was the right time.
“Yeah. I do.”
“Then take me.” I said leading her to my bedroom.
Despite my boldness, I was still nervous. I mean as much as I was feeling her, I didn’t know what to expect. After all, what did I know about being with a woman? What was she going to do to me? And what did she expect me to do to her? Now, as I waited for her to show me, I sat on the bed and watched her with a new appreciation. She sat down on the bed next to me and smiled.
“Mel. I want you okay. I’ll admit that, but as much as I want you, I’m scared of what this will do to us and to you. It’s not gonna be the same after this.”
“I know.” I said listening to my voice quiver. “But I want you.”
She smiled and kissed me again and began running her hands all over my body, until it felt like every piece of me was on fire. She grabbed my hand gently pulling me up until we were standing face to face and she started to caress me and undress me in one fluid motion. All the while, she started kissing me on my neck. Even in her taking the lead, she was timid and gentle. I felt the nervousness and excitement building up in a feverish pitch.
"You still feeling me?" She said in some deep voice that I didn’t recognize.
“Yeah." I gulped down a choke in my throat. She lightly pushed me back on the bed until she was lying on top of me. I felt her body and the rotation of her hips into mine. She then lifted herself up until she was slightly hovering over me, playfully kissing me and undressing me as she kissed each new unexposed limb.
She kissed me all the way to my belly button and then she got up and took off her shirt unveiling bare skin and a black bra. I was in awe. I’d never really imagined what Shawn would look like naked, but here she was and it was breathtaking. I found myself grabbing onto her slightly muscular arms, as she pulled me up to face her. My hands seemed to be acting as if they were independent of my body, as I felt them working to unbutton her pants. Almost as if a reflex, she grabbed both my hands and held them in place above my head as she took off my shirt, and undid my bra.
Now exposed, I felt my nipples harden, from the touch of her fingers lightly pinching them. She then started kissing me on my shoulders, as I felt her hands encircle my waist. I felt chill bumps creep up on my skin as she slowly moved her hands near my mound. My breath started getting deeper and picking up pace, as I became more aroused.
"Melanie. Are you sure you want this?" She asked me as she rubbed my thighs opening them gently.
My only answer was to pull her closer to my body and to place her hands where I felt the answer lie. She continued kissing me as she sat on the edge of the bed and placed me on top of her lap facing her. She then placed two fingers inside of me as I grabbed onto her embracing the impact of what I was feeling. All the while, she just stared at me through glazed eyes moving my body in a rhythm that was in sync with her own. Eventually, the motions of her fingers picked up pace as I gasped from the long and slow movements. All the while, she kept talking to me telling me how beautiful I was. My head was spinning.
It’s funny that I had thought I had experienced everything sexually when I was with men, but being with Shawn changed all of that. There was something so preternatural about the way that she handled my body. I can’t even begin to describe the way that I was feeling having her touching me like that. Fifteen million explosions inside of my head went off as I felt my body react to her careful coaching.
She then removed her fingers and placed them in her mouth savoring the essence of me. I shivered thinking about what was next. She switched places with me and laid me down on the bed. I don’t know what I was expecting, but she exceeded everything I had thought of.
Before I knew what was happening to me, she was creating a trail on the inside of my thighs leading to the center of all the sensations. Then I felt her tongue weave it’s way inside of me as it touched the inside of my walls. My body was moving, almost frenetically as she took her hands and cupped my ass pushing it deeper into her mouth. I felt my chest rise up and down. I kept moving my hips with the rhythm of her mouth.
She was making love to me, as I felt tears well up in my eyes and I felt my heart open up. At that moment she was touching me. Sex was always something that was mental to me. And being with a woman, was about as deep as you could get. I had became friends with Shawn by chance, and now without knowing it at that moment, I would become so much more. And she would become a manifestation of everything I used to dream about when I heard the word love. She had taken my virginity in a way that Greg didn’t. She touched more than my body; she touched the heart of my soul and mind. I became vulnerable and like a child in her hands. It wasn’t lust like I used to think, it was the beginnings of love.
After we made love, she laid in the bed with me and held me tightly until I fell asleep with a big grin on my face finally feeling at peace.
Copyright © 2002. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.