_____I stood in the doorway to our bedroom and I just watched you sleep. The candles that had illuminated our bodies as they danced together in love were still burning, and the light made you look like an angel. I loved to watch you sleep, standing here or you lying next to me, your breath slow and peaceful. I never thought I would have moments like this, watching you sleep after making love with you. Our beginnings were much more than humble and a moment like this was just a dream. I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on you…
_____“Excuse me…I can come back…” You had your hands on your hips and your attitude was so stank.
_____“Hold up..wait a minute. Mom, I’ll have to call you back.” I got off the phone to speak with you, since you seemed to think your time was so precious. You were the doctor on call that night and I must have been your last patient. You had me so pissed off I didn’t even notice how pretty you were. You admitted me to the hospital and I never saw you again…until months later. I had done some research on you, Dr. Naya Johnson. You caught my eye and I had to pay you a little visit.
_____“Dr. Johnson, hi. Keema McIntyre. After our meeting in the ER a few months back, I had to meet you, see just who is the person behind those scrubs who made me get off the phone with my mamma.”
_____“Oh really? Well come in my office, let’s talk.”
_____We sat chatting for nearly an hour and that is when I noticed you…and those eyes. That’s when you got me. There you were, all woman, soft yet rugged, sexy, sophisticated, nice honey complexion, short curly blonde hair and green eyes that were absolutely beautiful. At that moment, I knew I had to have you.
_____“So, Doc, maybe we can get together and have lunch sometime since our offices are practically next door…”
_____“I’d like that. Tell you what, I’m going to be on vacation for the next two weeks, so why don’t you just call me here after Thanksgiving and we’ll do something.”
_____“Sounds like a plan.”
_____For some reason, you gave me a hug and the minute your body touched mine, I knew you had been thinking what I was thinking…the look on your face and the heat of your body gave you away.
_____After weeks of phone conversation and comparing day planners, we finally got together for lunch. From the time we sat down until the time we got up, we talked. The more I talked to you, the more I wanted to talk to you. We had so much in common and we clicked so well. Our sentences overlapped and we were soon finishing each other’s thoughts. I instantly fell in love with your smile and that wild fire in your eyes… and you had this cute accent. You were a Massachusetts girl so a beer was a beeyah…the only thing that separated us was age, but like Aaliyah said, that wasn’t nothin’ but a number…I could tell by the way that you kept reaching to hold my hand that age was simply a number to you too. You had just turned 37 but did not look a day over 25…like your momma once told you…”If it’s black, it don’t crack,” and she ain’t never lied…You were beautiful. Me, I was barely 24 but I preferred to hang with the mature crowd. There was something about you…aged to perfection like a fine wine and I surely wanted to taste you. This was new to me…I had only been out for about a year, but I knew that feeling…I could hear Usher running through my mind “When you feel it in your body you found somebody who…” I had it bad and yes, you were the one.
_____“Earth to Keema…What’s on your mind, girl? I’m over here talking to you and you’re in outer space somewhere…”
_____“I’m sorry…I am a little preoccupied I guess. Let’s get out of here and go do something wild.”
_____“Such as?”
_____“C’mon. Let’s go and I’ll show you.”
_____I paid the check and we left the restaurant. You had no idea where we were going but you were an adventurer, down for whatever. We rode in my car and I turned on the radio. Usher started to croon, “You got it, you got it bad…” You reached for the volume and turned it up.
_____“I love this song and I think that guy is so cute…must be nice to have love like that.”
_____All I could do was look at you and smile. We passed by a park and there were children playing in the snow. You begged me to stop and that’s where we wound up, in the park playing like children. We ran, built a snowman, and threw snowballs at each other. We finished with snow angels and we sat on a bench enjoying the sudden quiet of the universe. The sun was setting and I looked at you, your nose was beet red and your eyes were watering, except it wasn’t the cold that made your tears fall.
_____“Hey, what are the tears for?”
_____“This day, this moment has been so much fun and it is such a break away from my everyday life.”
_____“And that brings you tears?”
_____“There are the things that I miss, the things that I long for…this is something my girlfriend would never do…she’s so stiff sometimes and we’ve been together so long, it’s just boring. Comfortable and boring.”
_____Girlfriend? Oh God, please tell me she did not say girlfriend. I should have known someone like her, young, sexy, intelligent, witty, caring and so together would not be single. Someone was lucky, that’s for sure, but what the hell was up with that comfortable and boring shit? That lucky someone wasn’t doing something right.
_____“Naya, if it’s boring, it can’t be comfortable.”
_____“I know. It hasn’t been for the last year or so. I got so busy with work, I really didn’t have time to care, to miss the little fun things that I used to do, like shopping on Saturday morning. She hates going to the mall with me. She hates my outgoing style. She is content to be quiet and to herself and she would like it if I just stood up under her all the time. I like to talk and laugh and meet people. We have grown to be such opposites… I didn’t know what I was going to do, I had been feeling so trapped, but then I met you, this breath of fresh air, young, adventurous, outgoing…I feel so alive when I am with you and you have no inhibitions. You’re such a free spirit and it was nothing to you to pull over and play in the snow with me. I want that in my relationship and I honestly crave it. I know she will never be that way…”
_____“Breath of fresh air, huh? Well breathe me in,” I offered, trying to lighten the mood.
_____“That is a tempting invitation, but it’s been 10 years. She was with me when I wasn’t anything…the residency, starting the practice…I sealed my fate when we bought that house and, well, you know how that goes. Too much mess.”
_____“You love her?”
_____“Can we go? It’s getting late and it’s cold outside.”
_____“Sure. I’ll take you back to your car.”
_____We left the park with that burning question hanging in the air. For whatever reason, you couldn’t or wouldn’t answer and I decided to not press the issue. I had learned from weeks of conversation with you that when you wanted to, you would open up. At your car it was somewhat awkward…I told you I wanted to see you again and if you needed to talk, to call me. I watched you get into your car and drive away. I went home to think. I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling replaying the day’s events in my mind. I must have dozed off because I was startled when the phone rang. I never expected it to be you.
_____“Did I wake you?”
_____“No. Is everything okay?”
_____“I’m fine, but I have to see you.”
_____“Okay, where do you want me to meet you?”
_____“I want to come to your place.”
_____“My place?”
_____“Yeah. I just don’t want to stay in this empty house anymore. She’s working tonight and I don’t want to be alone. We simply pass each other and I’m tired. I’m tired of living like this.”
_____“Okay. Let me give you directions and I’ll put on some coffee.”
_____After I gave you directions and hung up, I jumped in the shower and made myself presentable. Never in a million years would I have expected that phone call and you to show up at my door with a duffel bag. We sat up for a little while, talking about our lives and the situations we had been in. You were already a doctor and I was studying to be one. We worked out of the same hospital and frequented the same places. There was a lot of hurt in your relationship, but you stayed because it was safe in what can sometimes be an unsecure world.
_____Couples like you were rare in the gay community, together for so long, happy and prospering. Inside, you were lonely and you wanted to be loved and to love someone, but not out of obligation. That feeling had long since drained from your relationship and it was now draining you. The two of you had met when you started your residency. At first life was good and the relationship grew, but then as you became more and more successful, the relationship grew strained. It was as if she resented the person you had become. Soon you stopped spending time together, and then you stopped talking. Then you both started working more. Your girlfriend would leave for work and instead of sitting alone like you had done so many nights in the past, you would now come talk with me.
_____ We spent almost every night together, sometimes going out, shopping, dining, just enjoying outside. Other times, we’d stay in, sipping coffee, talking, laughing…I got to know you so well. I’d hold you while you cried as you mourned the relationship that you were losing, then wipe away the tears with a promise for the situation to get better. Eventually, you had keys to my apartment, a huge part of my closet and you didn’t have to call. I had gotten used to coming home and finding you curled up on the couch with a book and a mug of beer. I was the friend that understood you and listened. I was the friend who had fallen in love with you, but I kept my feelings to myself. What started out as lust had grown into something much deeper. We had wonderful chemistry, but I knew better than to approach you while you were in that situation. If I were to have you, I wanted your mind and your heart to be free. I also didn’t want to lose our friendship.
_____Except for a few accidental kisses, you kept our relationship platonic and I respected that. If that was a line you wanted to cross, you never let on. Over the months, we grew together, sharing secrets, dreams, hopes, fears and fantasies. I told you about my ideal love, the one who would make me look up to God, close my eyes and whisper, “Thank-you." Our conversations were always deep like that. We shared so much and you were a major part of my life.
_____Then you left.
_____We were supposed to have dinner that night, but you never showed. Although it had never happened before, I figured you got tied up with something at the hospital or maybe that night was a good night and your girlfriend was finally trying to mend the relationship. After months of you not being home and barely speaking, I thought she would have tried to do better and hold on to you, but she never did. After two days, I started to worry. It was not like you to not call or leave a message so I could know you were okay. I called your office and you were with a patient, so I left a message. At least I knew you were alive. I went about my business, waiting for you to return my call, but you never did. Two days later, I saw you pulling out of the driveway of your office. You simply looked at me and kept driving. What was up with that? Against my better judgment, I called your house, something we agreed I would never do unless it was an emergency.
_____“Hi, may I speak to…”
_____“Listen, don’t you ever call here again, do you understand?”
_____“Don’t call here anymore!”
_____The phone clicked in my ear. I was in shock. That wasn’t you; it was Tori, your girlfriend. How did she know who I was? We had never met, I had never called your house until today, we had never even seen each other…what was going on with you and why weren’t you talking to me? I called your cell phone and I got the recorded message saying the number was no longer in service. I was freaking out, but there was nothing I could do.
_____The next day I received a phone call from Shayne, one of our mutual friends who also happened to work with you. She told me you never wanted to speak to me again and that was that. I was in chaos. Just as quickly as you had let me into your life, for whatever reason, you had just as quickly shut me out. It wasn’t until then that I realized just how much I loved you.
_____I went home to an empty apartment that night. When 9:00pm rolled around, I stared at the phone, hoping it would ring like it had so many other nights in the past, but it never did and as I lay in the bed, I kept waiting to hear your keys in the lock. Suddenly, all the feelings I had kept to myself manifest in everything I did. Everywhere I went, something reminded me of you. In our small town, there wasn’t anyplace I could go that we had not gone together. When I stopped to get coffee at the Starbucks, our usual waiter asked for you and I nearly broke down and cried. There were things in my apartment that belonged to you- your clothes, some books, jewelry, gifts I had given you, things you had given to me . . .
_____ As I lay in my bed, I could smell you in my pillows. I tossed and turned all night, missing you. As the days dragged on, I fell deeper into the darkness. My heart ached for you, I missed holding you, hearing your voice, your laugh…I missed the fire in your eyes. You were gone and I didn’t know why. What had I done? It drove me crazy every time I tried to figure it out. Eventually I gave up. I buried myself in my work and my studies and tried to forget the pain I was feeling.
_____After a few months in virtual seclusion, my friends decided I had been down for too long and they got together to drag me out of the house for a break from the misery and a wild night out. When I came home, the light on my answering machine was blinking. There were 3 messages. I pushed the button.
_____“Trick…where yo’ ass at??? Call me heifer and stop sulking around the house over that yellow bitch…get a grip girl. Call me Biotch!!”
_____My cousin was a trip. Always callin’ somebody a trick…I’m gonna have to set her straight about that yellow bitch shit. Next message.
_____“Hi Keema, it’s mom, I just wanted to check up on you, I haven’t seen you in a few days and I know you weren’t feeling too good the last time you were at the house. Derek misses you and he said you were supposed to take him to Toys R Us yesterday. Call me.”
_____Shit! I was supposed to take my brother to the store. Derek was going to kill me. I had promised to not forget. Boy always wanted to buy some new hot wheels. I swear he better grow up and own a car dealership or something. This shit with Naya was getting serious. I could barely focus on work, my friends hardly ever saw me and now I was forgetting my family and my mom was noticing changes…Next message.
_____“If you’re there, please pick up…”
_____Oh my God. That voice…Naya.
_____“Keema, I really need to talk to you. I know I have a lot to explain and I know that you’re hurting right now…”
_____You know that I’m hurting? Woman, my life has been a wreck since you…whatever. I don’t even know what to call that shit.
_____“Please call me. I really need to talk to you.”
_____I just stared at the phone, thinking out loud. Six months and not a word…six fucking months. She had Shayne tell me she never wanted to speak to me again…She could tell me her deepest secrets but she had to have someone else come to me to say she didn’t want to speak to me anymore? Now she’s calling my phone and she wants to talk. I was in love with her and I had never said a word because I didn’t want to violate our friendship. For no apparent reason, she just up and left out of my life, broke my heart and never looked back. She had settled for the comfortable and boring she had come to me about in the first place. She was the one who violated. I was so pissed, but something in her voice got to me. I picked up the phone to dial the numbers. By the time she answered the phone, tears were streaming down my face and I was so hurt and angry couldn’t utter a word.
_____“Hello? Hello? Keema, I know it’s you. Hello?”
_____“Naya, why?”
_____“Keema, there is so much I want to say to you, so much I have to tell you. I know that I hurt you and believe me, I am so sorry. There is something I want you to see. Can you come to my house?”
_____“Your house? Are you crazy?”
_____“Keema, I am asking you to trust me. I promise, after tonight, you’ll understand everything.”
_____“Kee Kee, please…”
_____That did it. Naya only called me Kee Kee when we were really close, usually in situations where we could have crossed the line, like the many times one of the massages she had asked me to give her led to what was supposed to be an accidental kiss. I wanted to be with Naya and my love for her was so strong at that moment, there was no way I could tell her no. No matter how much I hurt, I couldn’t refuse her. I needed to see her.
_____“I’m on my way.”
_____When I got to the house, there was a for sale sign in the yard that was covered with a “sold” marker. You came out to greet me. You were beautiful…more than I remembered. You looked tired, but peaceful. Something about you was different. I got out of the car and I stood for a moment to look at you, drink you in with my eyes, and adjust to the sight of you.
_____“What’s with the sign?”
_____“Aren’t you going to say hello?”
_____“Please don’t expect me to behave as if things are okay. The last six months of my life have been hell. You call me up out of the blue and you ask me to come to your house, the thing that supposedly tied you to someone you were no longer in love with…”
_____“Keema, I am so sorry. Please, let’s just go inside and talk.”
_____“Inside? Where’s Tori?”
_____“Gone. Now come inside.”
_____You dragged me through the front door and into the living room. It was the first time I had actually been in that house and it was weird. It was a beautiful place, painstakingly decorated and cozy. I could feel the memories that must have been created there. There were boxes stacked in corners, some packed and marked, some half filled with packing tape and newspaper scattered everywhere.
_____“You leaving?”
_____“Keema, I hope you can understand and forgive me. The last six months…this was something I had to do. I had so much going on inside myself and it was so unfair what I had done to you, dragging you into my life, staying at your house the way I was and…
_____“Did I ever complain?”
_____“No, but let me finish. Keema, when I met you, Tori and I were going through so much shit. We were hardly speaking or seeing each other, we only came together to pay the mortgage and other house expenses, I was working more at the hospital instead of the office just to avoid going home. I was ready to leave but when I decided it was time to go, her father got sick and I stayed when we found out he was dying. She honestly needed me and I couldn’t leave her like that. I kept telling myself I would leave when it was all over, but there I was, still at the house 4 months after he had passed. Then one night I was working a double shift and I met you. I had seen you around with the rest of the incoming interns, but our paths had never crossed.”
_____Suddenly, standing in your living room became unbearable when I happened to glance around and see a picture of you and Tori together.
_____“Naya, can we leave? I really can’t be in here.”
_____“Keema, Tori has not been here for the last 2 months.”
_____“I don’t care. If you want to finish this conversation, we have to get out of here.”
_____“Fine. Lets go.”
_____We got in my car and went back to my place. It was just as you remembered.
_____“Keema, I finally found my strength to get up and leave. I told Tori I did not love her and I was not staying. I was tired of loving her out of obligation. Our life together was a cruel joke that I no longer found funny. We both deserved so much better than what we had been giving each other. The house is now sold and we’re going our separate ways.”
_____“That’s great.”
_____“Yeah, it is. I have spent the last few months healing and getting back to me.”
_____“Why Naya? Why did you leave me like that?”
_____“I had to. I needed to make sure what I was feeling was not a rebound thing…”
_____“Rebound thing?”
_____“Yeah. From the first time I ever saw you and when you showed up at my office, I knew there was something different about you. The more time I spent with you, I realized what a beautiful person you are. You opened your heart to me, gave me your time…you never asked for anything…I always felt so much when I was around you, I was free to be me without worrying about getting someone else upset. I fought like hell to keep it clean. I never wanted to cross that line…”
_____“Naya, what are you talking about?”
_____“Keema, I backed away from you so I could figure out if I had really fallen in love with you.”
_____Wait. Did she just say that L word? Naya in love with me?
_____“I missed you so much and I wanted to be with you…it was killing me inside, but I wanted to be free to love you. I stayed away to get rid of my baggage. I had Shayne call you because I couldn’t tell you this. There was no way I could look at you and deny my love and send you away. I knew if she said it, you would back away.”
_____“Let me finish. Keema, I know we’re friends and I don’t want to lose that by telling you this. The truth is, I love you. I did not leave Tori for you, but it was because of you that I couldn’t stay. Spending time with you showed me what love could be like, not just in the beginning or some days, but everyday. You make me smile in my heart and when I am not with you, I miss you. I hear your voice in the breeze…Kee Kee, I woke up one morning and realized that I am in love with you and I don’t want to spend another day of my life without you.”
_____All I could do was stand there and listen. All that time we spent together, all the times I ever wanted to hold you and kiss you and tell you I loved you, I should have, because you loved me too.
_____“I love you too. I always have. The first time I held you in my arms I never wanted to let you go. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. You needed a friend and feelings complicate shit. You always acted so cool and you never let on that you wanted more.”
_____“I wasn’t sure about you, me, us…the age thing, my situation with Tori…the last thing I wanted to do was come at you like that and then hurt you…I wanted to be sure of myself, you know?”
_____“Naya, from the first time I laid eyes on you, listened to you speak, I loved you and I wanted to be with you.”
_____“I wanted you too.”
_____I could hear the lust in your voice. I had never really been aggressive, but at that moment, I wanted you. All of you. I had loved you silently for a year and now that my mind had spoken, my body had a few words to say. I put my arms around you and I stared into your eyes as I kissed you for the first time and it wasn’t an awkward “accident”. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it was going to be like that. It felt like I was melting into you. Your lips were soft and full and I kissed you harder, with more passion, our tongues playing together, exploring each other. I sucked on your lips and a moan escaped your throat. I could feel you pressing yourself into me and I could tell that you needed me as much as I needed you.
_____“Kee Kee, make love to me…”
_____I remember whispering a gentle “yes Naya” in your ear as I kissed my way down your neck. The scent of you was driving me crazy. I began unbuttoning your blouse and I unhooked your bra. I could feel the warmth as your breasts brushed up against mine. Your nipples stood out begging to be caressed. I reached down to feel them and they hardened in my fingertips. I massaged one and gently tugged at the other. I stopped to look at you and your eyes met mine. For the first time, I saw the fire in those green eyes and I knew it was blazing for me. You took my hand and led me to the bedroom.
_____“Kee Kee, I have wanted this for so long…”
_____“Naya, I just want to feel you all over me.”
_____I lay back on the bed and watched you undress. I walked up behind you and began kissing the back of your neck and licking my way down your spine. I could feel your body shudder. I reached my hands around you, gripping your thighs and I placed one hand over the essence of your desire. I could feel the heat as I slid a finger inside of you and gently over your clit.
_____“mmmm, Kee Kee.”
_____“Naya I have wanted you for so long…”
_____I continued to stroke you until your hips started moving with me. I turned you around so you were facing me and I looked up into your eyes as I kissed your navel, flicking my tongue out nice and slow, teasing you as I worked my way down. I kissed the outside of your thighs and I could feel your legs getting weak. You placed a hand on my shoulder to steady yourself. We quickly moved over to the bed and I threw the rest of my clothes on the floor. As I lay down, you followed me and the heat from your body radiated to mine. The moment our bodies touched it was as if we were fused together.
_____I leaned my head back into the pillow and closed my eyes as you nibbled my ear and kissed down my neck. You knew this was my spot…we had talked about it before. You made your way down my body, licking a hot trail of fire to my clit. I could feel your breath on me, the softness of your lips, then the fire of your tongue. I let out a moan and grabbed the sheets as your tongue danced around me. I tried my best, but I couldn’t just lie there. There was so much I wanted to do to you, things I had only dreamed about. I rolled you over and began to suck on your breasts, one by one and I licked a trail down to that essence…I kissed the inside of your thighs and I could smell the scent of you. I playfully teased you with my tongue, then slid it inside, tasting you for the first time. I started sucking on your clit and I reached up to massage your breasts. You started rocking your hips against me and I slid my fingers inside of you. You started to moan and I could hear your breathing get heavy. I could feel the tension building in my own body.
_____“Kee Kee…you’re going to make me cum…”
_____“No baby, not yet…”
_____I didn’t want you to come, not yet anyway. I reached over into my nightstand and pulled out my strap. I watched you touch yourself as I got ready. I could feel my own clit starting to throb. You started to massage my inner thigh and you pulled me towards you. I positioned myself and slid inside of you. You had never been penetrated like this and I wanted to make sure I would be the first, last and only. My strokes were gentle and I could feel you tense as you took all of me. Slowly we rocked together in unison, exploring the depths of each other. You began to quicken the pace and I followed your lead. You could smell the sex in the room and it was intoxicating.
_____“Naya…I want you to feel you on top of me…”
_____Before I could finish, you had me on my back and you slid yourself down onto my strap. I looked up at you, body glistening with sweat as you raised yourself up and down. I reached up to grab your breasts, and then I slid my hands down to your hips and rocked with you. The sight of you above me was driving me wild. In one night, almost everything I had ever fantasized about was coming true. As if you were reading my mind, you leaned into me and whispered into my ear, “do it from the back”. In one quick motion, you swung your leg over me and you were now facing away from me, legs spread. I knelt behind you and slid inside. Our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces. I reached around and cupped your breasts, then slid a hand down to your clit. With each stroke, my fingers slid back and forth over your clit, driving you to ecstasy. You leaned your head back into me and I started sucking on your neck. Your body started to shake and I knew you would cum soon. I began thrusting deeper and faster into you, holding you and sliding my fingers all over you. As your juices started running down my strap, you started to cum.
_____“Kee Kee, mmmm, oh shii…iittt…right therrreee!!!”
_____ I quickened my pace into you and just as you were cumming again, I could feel my body start to shake and as I was slamming into you, my body went tense and all I could do was call out your name.
_____“oh shit…ummm….yeah…Naa…yaa!”
_____We collapsed into each other, sweaty, spent and tired. We had worked out a year’s worth of desires and emotion. I held you in my arms and we cried together, then kissed away each other’s tears.
_____“I love you and I swear, now you’re in my arms, I am never going to let you go.”
_____“I don’t ever want you to let me go.”
_____You fell asleep and I just watched you, peaceful and serene. We were finally together in a moment I never thought we would have. You were my ideal love and as I looked at you and leaned over to kiss you before I dozed off to sleep, I stopped to look up to God, I closed my eyes and I whispered, “Thank you”. Thank you for bringing Naya into my life and for allowing us to finally be together.

The End

Copyright © 2002. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.

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