Something inside of me is telling me
To say good bye
And all I have left are the memories to get me by
--Dave Hollister
I went to open the front door and there was a note from my neighbor saying that Angel was in a car crash and that she was at Baptist Hospital. My heart sank to the bottom of my chest and I just couldn't think straight. It seemed like my whole world was crashing around me. Scenes of her badly damaged body flooded my mind. I just wanted her to be alright, but deep down inside I knew differently.
After awhile I got myself together and drove to the hospital. Angel's family was praying in the waiting area when I arrived. From their expressions it did not look good. They didn't know who I was, but I knew her mother, father, and little brother Myth from pictures she had showed me. I told them that I was a good friend of Angels and asked how was she doing? Her mother said that she was turning at the corner of D.B. Todd and Jefferson when a truck ran the light and hit her and spun her into the left lane where she was hit by another car. Her mom just hugged me when she saw the look on my face and the pain in my eyes. I started to cry like a child and her mother said that she might not make it through the night. I asked if it was all right for me to see her and they said it was.
I stood outside her hospital door trying to brace myself for what I was about to see. Inside I knew that no matter what I did I could never prepare for how she would look. I opened the door and there was a doctor standing on my side blocking my sight of her. He turned to look at me and I caught a glimpse of her. My body shook; my senses could not take all of it in. She was unconscious, on a ventilator and was badly bruised. Both her arms and her right leg were in a cast. I went over to her and kissed her ever so softly on her cheek, afraid that I might cause even more damage with my lips. I look her in her blue and purple face and whispered to her. "If you were to leave me; my life, no my world would have no meaning. I could not and would not want to live another day if you weren't by my side."
Then I began to pray.
Dear Lord, Angel is the very heart of me. Without her I'm nothing. But if her staying here a little longer with me means that she'll suffer then I know it's best you take her away. She is one of your most special creatures, and I have been truly blessed by her presence. I have no say in what's going on and I accept that. The only thing I know is that there are reasons, seasons, and lifetimes. I just hope she is a lifetime, because her life is a lot to pay for a reason. Please give me strength, wisdom, and courage. Amen.
It was sad, but at this very moment I knew that Angel was in my life for a reason. I felt ashamed, anger, and worst of all greed. I had wasted the year and a half that we were together. I would have given anything at that moment to keep Angel with me forever. But in the back of my mind I knew that was not possible. I knew that she was not going to make it. I felt it when I kissed her. When she should have been saving her energy she was fighting and now she was tired of fighting. For our relationship, for my love and time she fought. She didn't have the energy to fight for life now because I was too selfish. This was my punishment for not being there when she needed me.
I left until visiting hours where over and her family had gone home and snuck back into her room. I stayed there until visiting hours started again before they came back. I wanted her all to myself. To be able to tell her that I was sorry about everything that I had done and that she was important to me I just didn't know how to tell her at the time.
I cried for two days straight when Angel died. I was fighting emotions that I had never felt before, or had to deal with. I felt like a fool for being with another woman in another state when she was here fighting for her life in a hospital bed. If this was a lesson I had surly learned it. I didn't go to the funeral, but I did send her family a check for a couple thousand and paid Angels balance at Fisk. I felt that I could have done much more, but I didn't know what to do. I had been shut up in my house for weeks. Not answering my phone or the door. I sat in my room looking at her pictures or holding Angels favorite bunny. I would breath the bunny in, and smell her wonderful aroma.
There was a time when I got so angry with myself that I threw the picture of us in Paris up against the wall. I lay in bed at night gathering up the scents, and memories she left behind and laid them on the sheets and pillows and locked them away in my soul. Never had I ever experienced silence so loud. I kept waking up in the middle of the night thinking I was hearing her typing at the computer trying to finish a paper before class the next day or her practicing her dance steps in the living room. Her everyday presence and touch that was once taken for granted now haunted me to what seemed like no end. I found myself crying out to her in my dreams for her to come back. Clutching her pillow for dear life, her life. I took it all for granted.
It took me two months to clean the house and get all her things over to her mother and fathers house. I just mailed them over there. I couldn't bring myself to go there. A couple of days after the funeral I received a dozen white long stemmed roses. There was a card that said, "I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I hope that these will cheer you up at least a little bit. I'll be there when you're ready to talk." I sat there in Angels favorite chair thinking to myself who could these be from. Nobody that knew Angel knew me and I hadn't told any of my friends what happened. So who could they be from? I couldn't figure out who and that made me even more distraught.
I would have never thought in my life I could ever miss someone this much, and hurt this badly. I cry more that I have ever cried before. For a long time I had a hard time living and breathing. I picked up the phone a dozen or more times trying to call someone to come and help me, but all my fingers wanted to do was call Angel. She once told me that I was her rock, and that with me by her side she felt like she could do anything. But who was going to be the rock now that I was broken. It got so bad that I had to see a therapist for a while. She told me that I was just grieving and that it would be over soon. I thought duh. I'm paying you 200 bucks to tell me some shit that I already know. Needles to say I stopped going.
The hardest part was getting over the guilt of what I had done. For a while I thought that Angel died from a broken heart at my hands. Then I came to the realization that it wasn't the case. One day when I was having one of my many crying fits I heard her voice. It was clear as if she were whispering in my ear. Stop crying, she said. It's over and done with. Just remember and learn from it. I stopped crying and felt like a weight was lifted of my chest. I also realized that the reason I couldn't give Angel, what she wanted was because I was afraid that she would not love me totally. That somehow when I gave whole self to her she would hurt me. And I hurt her because I didn't want her to hurt me. It is only in total darkness that we can see the light. Now it's to late. And I would give anything to have her back.
Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.
