Lil AJ

_____“Jordy, I can’t just sit there and watch you go through this shit with her. It’s wearing me down. I love you way too much to just sit back and watch you let yourself get hurt over and over.”
_____“I know. I’m sorry.”
_____“I’m sad.”
_____“I am too. I don’t know what to do now. I love you so much and this is killing me.”
_____I couldn’t help thinking about Isis and that small part of a large conversation. What did we get ourselves into?
Isis is my best femme friend. She also is the only femme I know who never tried to get at me or make some sort of reference to doing so, and I love her for it. We lived four hours away in two separate states and took four years before we finally lay eyes on one another but when we finally met that first time a little over a month ago it wasn’t even awkward. It was like we had been chillin’ together damn near every day since we started talking online four years prior. Everything flowed so smoothly and we were hanging all day. I was upset she was only in town for three days and I only saw her once. It was cool though. We made plans for me to go visit her. Unfortunately, before my trip I was going through the worst moment of my relationship history and I didn’t think I was going to make it to see her, but yet again Isis pulled me through. I swear I love her so much. No matter what she is always there to pick up the pieces to my broken heart. Anyway, I made the arrangements and three days later I was on the Greyhound traveling four hours to see my friend. What I didn’t expect was all the shit that happened in my short and way too quick six day stay.
_____“Do you want me to stop? I can’t go on unless I’m sure you really want this.”
_____“I don’t know what I want.”
_____“Ok…” I moved off of her. “Just come here and let me hold you then.”
_____As I lay there holding Isis in my arms all I could think about was the four year friendship we had. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be sharing her bed, and never in a billion years would I have thought that I would have made a move on her. So many feelings were racing through my heart as I held her close and just watched her sleep. Four years. Four years was a long time. Four years, a coming out moment, seven relationships…six of which were mine, several crushes, and a suicide attempt, and through it all Isis and I stood strong. I love her to a degree that won’t ever be matched by anyone. She’s my stability and I’m her constant. When there isn’t anyone else left she has me and I have her. But as I lay there holding her close, watching her sleep, and listening to her breathe I couldn’t help but wonder if all of that was trashed. We had been toeing the line dangerously, but now it was crossed. I made the move and she let me. Her body language was encouraging me, but her awkwardness was stopping me. Signals were mixed and I couldn’t continue. She wasn’t sure what she wanted. So I opted to hold her. Hold her and think. Hold her and wonder. Hold her and try not to cry.
_____For the next two days things were cool. We didn’t talk about what happened really and just kept on like we had been. Flirting, sleeping much closer than friends should, and nothing more. My last night with her was the night that changed everything. We had a long day of running around, swimming, and dining and when we finally got back to her house we were damn near spent. I took my usual nightly shower and then she went to take hers afterward. As I lay in the bed talking to my ex I was damn near falling asleep. When Isis came out of the shower and got in the bed I turned off my phone with every intention of having her hold me until I fell asleep. I snuggled up against her placing my head between her arm and her right breast and was awaiting the Sandman while I listened to Thirteen Ghosts playing on the television. As she shifted I caught the full effect of her scent and was sprung. I tried to fight what I was feeling with everything in me and I was losing horribly. I would’ve had a better chance at going round for round with Tyson in the ring than I was having laying up under her. I couldn’t help it.
_____“I wanna bite you. I promise I won’t hurt you.”
_____“You’re silly.” She said smiling and shaking her head.
_____“I have a vampire thing you know that, and your neck is screaming for me.” I scooted up a little higher and bit her neck softly. She winced and moaned. I bit her a little harder and then just went for what I really wanted. I sank my teeth into her neck deep. She gasped and grabbed my back. I sucked on her neck for a few more moments before letting her go. We kept watching the movie. After it was done and we lay there listening to the Golden Girls I started kissing on her again.
_____“Baby I am so fukkin’ horny. I can’t stand this.
_____“I know. I am too.”
_____“So what’s good? I’m horny and so are you. Let’s just get this shit poppin’. You know you want it so let’s stop playing the game.”
_____“I do want it and I’m sure this time, but I think I’m about to start leaking and I can’t let you do it and the shit comes in the middle.”
_____“If it ain’t here now it won’t be in the next hour either.”
_____“Jordy I don’t know.”
_____“Isis come on yo.”
_____“Fine let me at least go to the bathroom and make sure and clean up again.”
_____“Hurry up.”
_____It seemed like she was in there for eternity. When she came back into the room I cut off the television and waited for her to get back in the bed. She dropped her robe and was ass naked. She was also carrying a damp towel to spread under her “just in case.” She lay down and I lay on top of her. It was now or never. I began to kiss her slow but I was nervous and so was she. Four years of friendship and now she was naked and I was on top of her. This was the most awkward sexual experience of my life. When we were finally done I couldn’t even look at her. I didn’t know what I was feeling. This time she held me and after she assured me everything was alright we fell asleep.
_____The next day I had to go home. She helped me pack and we awaited my ride to the bus station which came damn near two hours late causing me to miss my bus and the next two after it. In a way I was glad though. I didn’t want to leave Isis and she didn’t want me to go. Unfortunately I had to catch the fourth bus and as we sat in the bus station things got a little emotional. Like two kids in school we sat and passed notes back and forth on a napkin.
_____“Ay, you finna miss me?” I asked.
_____“Of course Boo Boo.”
_____“Damn, its kinda fukked up you gonna be sleepin’ alone tonight and I’m gonna be on a stink ass bus.”
_____“I know. I’m gonna miss you holding me at night.”
_____“Not more than I’m gonna miss holding you…bet that. And I’m gonna miss them nails.”
_____“Yep, them nails. I’m saving them for you. I’m gonna really miss you Baby.”
_____“I’m gonna miss you too. I been missin’ you all day actually.”
_____“Aww that is too sweet. I’ve been tryin’ not to think about it but I’ve been unsuccessful. I like being with you. You make me smile.”
_____“Yeah you keep me cheesin’ too. I can’t wait to come back.”
_____“Soon as I get home I’m marking my calendar. I have your pillow with your scent. I’m gonna hold that while I sleep tonight. Jordy, are we crossing lines?”
_____“Funny ‘cuz I was gonna spray your pillow before we left the house but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to keep smelling me. And Baby, I think we crossed the line when we first talked about this. We way on the other side of the line now for real. Now what?”
_____“I don’t know what now. No matter what I always want to be your cool ass friend with a shoulder to lend or a smart remark to give. But I can’t deny that we seem to be growing closer on the other side of that line.”
_____“I don’t wanna lose you, I really don’t, and I can’t deny it either. I tried but ummm, it ain’t work.”
_____“You’re not gonna lose me. I’m here Baby, I promise.”
_____“Same here Ma. I love you too much to let us get fukked in the game.”
_____“I feel you.”
_____“Ok. Let it ride and we’ll see. Shit always works itself out.”
_____“Sounds like a plan. We’ll just see where it goes.” Isis looked at her watch and sighed. “Jordy, you have to go. Its almost time.”
_____“Aiigh. I guess this is it then.”
I looked at her and faked a smile. I didn’t want to go. I had already missed three buses. Maybe that was a sign that I should just stay where I am, but I gathered my bags and we walked over to my gate to wait for my bus to pull in. When we got to the gate after what seemed to me like an eternity of walking Isis hugged me. It wasn’t just a “so long my nigga see you soon” type hug. It was more of a “damn Baby I love you and I don’t want to let you go” type hug. You don’t hug your “friend” for ninety seconds like you’re never going to see them again. She let me go and walked away. I didn’t look back. If I had I would’ve ran after her and stayed right where I wanted to be. Instead I stayed staring at my gate until I was sure she was gone. I got on the bus and wondered why I had.
_____“Jordy, I can’t just sit there and watch you go through this shit with her. It’s wearing me down. I love you way too much to just sit back and watch you let yourself get hurt over and over.”
_____Those words are still haunting me. I don’t know what to do. I love her. I know that much. How I love her is now a mystery. I know now that she is more than just a friend. How much more is the question. I love being with her. I love holding her. I love the way she looks at me when she holds me close and how she makes me feel when she touches me. Yet I feel so fukked up for crossing the invisible boundary we had silently set four years ago. I’m still in love with my ex who I’m also still dealing with, and I didn’t need to be in this position. Even more so, I didn’t need or want to put Isis in this fukked up soap opera life of mine. So why did I pull such a genius move and take it there? Because I’m feeling her that’s why, and you can’t help who you’re feeling. But is that grounds for potentially destroying something so sacred? No its not. But still, I can’t leave her alone. So the question still remains…Now what?

The End

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