_____People always say that time changes everything. Could it be that time just allows a person’s true colors to show? I tend to agree with that last one.
_____My husband didn’t know that I was bisexual. Well he knew, but he didn’t know. You know people have a great way of denying something to prevent disillusion. Wouldn’t want his buddies and coworkers to know that his wife liked pussy more than he did. Once he walked in on me with my then girlfriend. He convinced himself that I was just curious and it was definitely a one time thing. Of course, how could the woman he chose to be his wife be a bisexual or worse yet, a lesbian. Heaven forbid right.
_____My escapades with women had been just that...escapades, that is until I met Shawna. Oh there was just something about this woman that stopped me right in my tracks. Right there in the mall, with my arms loaded down with bags, I stopped. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t think straight. I had to meet her. Hell I needed to meet her. She had on a fly ass outfit. Shoes were crisp and brand new. You can tell a lot about someone by their shoes. Her hair was faded on the sides and real low on the top. She was about 6'3". Which was nice because I was 5'10". I had a hard time finding a stud taller than me. I’d say she was around 200 pounds. She was thick as hell and cut. She was just fine as hell. And wouldn’t give me the time of day. She noticed my ring and turned me down cold. Flat.
_____“Hey, my name is Jazzie. I was just walking along and I noticed you and how fly you were. I had to meet you and get to know you. Can I take you out? Anywhere you want to go I’ll meet you there.” Damn I sounded desperate but I had to know her.
_____“Hey Jazzie, thanks for the compliment. I’m Shawna. Umm is that a wedding ring I see on your finger?”
_____“Well yeah but...I can explain all that. Just give me a chance.”
_____“Naw, I don’t think so sweetie. See I don’t mess with anyone’s wife cause I wouldn’t want anyone messing with mine’s.”
_____Damn she had to be honorable and shit. But that shit turned me on and made me want her even more. She wasn’t having it though. Not at all. Fuck!! I had to find a way.
_____Through some nosey ass question asking and bribery, I found out that she works at the mall. She worked at a store that carried all kinds of clothes but was targeted to the “fly ass studs”. She sold clothes that were both feminine but weren’t femme. Only a true stud would understand what that meant. I made it a point to go by her store at least once a week and every time she shut me down. But hell I wasn’t discouraged. I had to be with her.
_____“Jazzie this shit is borderline stalking,” she said with a poorly disguised grin. I knew she got a kick outta me pursuing her so hard.
_____“Yeah right Shawna. Call the law then. I think you like turning me down every week. You probably get up in the morning thinking, ‘Is today Jazzie Day?’.’”
_____“Jazzie let me be real with you. I like your style and I like you. I admit I do like to see you come up in here. But the fact remains that you are married. I’d forever be wondering did you just fuck your husband and shit. I’m a very jealous and possesive person. I’ll admit that. I like what’s mine to stay mine and only be handled by me. And I treat what I have very very well. But let me ask you a question, is it me you really want or the chase? I think if I were to agree to be with you, you wouldn't know what to do. And believe me Jazzie, if I were to get a hold of you, you wouldnt be able to handle it. Old people say, ‘Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.’ Think about that. I gotta go, I got customers.” And with that being said, she left me standing there, confused and dazed.
_____I walked out of her store without another word. I had some thinking to do. When I got home, I was happy as hell that my husband wasn’t there. To tell the truth, I didn’t really love my husband. Didn’t really like him if I told the whole truth. I had to get married. It wasn’t ok to be a lesbian. Not in my family. My mother told me this much. I just loved knowing that my bills were paid and that my car note was current. He paid all the bills. But in exchange for that I had to be ready and willing to have sex with him. Yuck! That was the part that had me vexed.
_____Speaking of being vexed, what was I going to do about Shawna. It seems like she wants me to really think about and decide if I really wanted something with her. I admit I did like the chase. I loved dominant women. And she obviously didn’t mince words. I think I can handle Ms. Shawna and whatever she had to dish out.
_____“I see you are back. Twice in one week huh. What did I do to deserve that? Wait let me guess, you think you are ready for me.” Shawna told me the next day when I walked into her store.
_____“Yeah Shawna I told you I wanted you. I wasn’t playing. I’m ready for whatever you got to give.”
_____“Oh yeah, meet me next door at the Ramada Inn at 6pm. Stop at the front desk and tell them you are Mrs. Stranton and you need a key to your room. At 6:01pm, I will not be in the room. So don’t be late.” And once again, she left me standing there dazed.
_____At 6pm exactly I was putting the room key in the door. I didn’t know what to expect. My first step in the door, my feet fell on rose petals.
_____“Lawd,” I thought to myself,”what have I gotten myself into?”
_____I walked into the room and say what looked like a couple of dozen roses in a beautiful vase with a big ass red ribbon and a note attached. It read, “Come into the bedroom completely naked if you are ready for me and to completely surrender yourself to me. Completely ready. If not, walk out the door and we will never talk about this again.” Damn decisions, decisions. Surrender completely? What the fuck? What was she asking? I thought about walking out, but hell I had wanted this woman for seven months. Shit, shit, shit. It was like my feet had a mind of their own. They led me to the bedroom, and my damn hands started taking off my clothes.
_____When I walked into the bedroom I saw a fine ass stud laid out on the bed like she owned the world. Damn, she still had her clothes on but she looked like heaven to me. I couldn’t have walked outta that door if Ed McMahon himself walked in and offered me a million dollars.
_____She beckoned me with her eyes. She didn’t have to say a word. I was in a trance. I was standing there naked as the day I was born and she had on all her clothes and I wasn’t ashamed at all. She stood up and walked over to me and gave me the deepest kiss I’ve ever experienced. She was making love to my mouth. Her tongue was gently massaged my mouth. Shit, I won’t lie, I came right there. It was running down my naked legs onto the floor. After I broke the kiss, I started taking her clothes off piece by piece. I had to take time to admire this beautiful ass body. Her breast were so perky and flawless I couldn’t help but lean down and kiss them. At first I was a little hesitant because I know some studs don’t like that but she threw her head back in ecstacy. I unbuckled her belt and unsnapped her pants. She had on some sexy ass silk boxers that were hiding a big ass bulge. As I was about to pull those off she looked at me and asked if I was ready for all that. I just looked at her and pulled them down as my answer. She had on a strap that matched her skin tone exactly. I looked up at her. She grinned and said, “Meet Bruiser.”
_____I smiled and said, “I’m very pleased to meet you.”
_____She pulled me up and told me to lay on the bed. I did as I was told and lay on the bed. She crawled on up the foot of the bed and bent down and kissed my knee. I shuttered. A knee, erotic zone, whoda thunk? This woman was doing something to me. Every place she placed was a erogenous zone. She worked her way up to my pussy. Then she started teasing me. She licked around it, licked my thighs. Came dangerously close and then nothing. What the hell? Was she into torture?
_____“Please Shawna,” I begged. I had no shame.
_____“Let me just say this, if we do this, that’s it. You are mine. I don’t want to hear about your husband or smell him on you. I don’t want to hear about any other chicks or dudes for that matter around you. You are mine. Do you want me to continue?”
_____Husband? Shitttttt! I had a husband? All coherent thought was gone, as far as I was concerned we were the only ones that existed. I pushed her head to my honey spot. She knew what time it was. She touched my clit and I jumped. She laughed. She again touched my clit this time with her tongue. I exploded right there in her mouth. I called out her name over and over again. I couldn’t think of anything else. I begged her to lick my pussy. I needed that to take my next breath. If she didn’t do it I thought I would die.
_____She stuck her fat tongue in my pussy. But every time I was about to come, she stopped. She took me to the edge several times but wouldn’t let me come again. This was sweet agony. I was crying out for a release. I begged. I cried. I yelled and I threatened. And again, she just laughed.
_____“Now Jazzie, I know you don’t think that you can have all the pleasure without giving any. When you walked in the room I told you that you have to give yourself to me completely. Well you must submit to me completely. When I stand up I want you to get down on your knees in front of me.” I did what she asked. “You want to suck my dick don’t you?” I tried to put it in my mouth but she stopped me. “I said, you want to suck my dick don’t you?” She reached down and pulled my head back by my hair so that I could look her in the eye. I nodded my head. “Beg for it. Tell me how much you want to put Bruiser in your mouth.”
_____“Shawna, please baby let me suck your dick. Please I want it so bad. I want you to feel good, baby. Please let me make you feel good.” I meant this shit too. I wanted that dick. I wanted her to scream my name like I was screaming hers. I looked up at her and saw the silent command in her eyes. It was now ok for me to put it in my mouth,
_____As soon as I started sucking on her dick, she started pulling my hair and moaning and shit. I was loving this. She started fucking me in my mouth. Before long, she was hollering that she was going to cum. I reached up, unstrapped her, and started licking her pussy. It was so good. I thought to myself, this is what it’s all about. It was like any other sexual experiences that I had in the past were just training for her. I stuck a finger in her pussy, but it got lonely so I stuck one more in. Her muscles were flexing and I knew that it was almost time. She started grinding on my face and grabbed the back of my head. Her knees started getting wobbly so I grabbed the back of her knees to support her. She came all over my face and I lapped it up.
_____I thought it was all over but she had other thoughts. She pulled me up off the floor and threw me on the bed. She got up on the bed and gently she pulled my nipple in her mouth. I thought she was going to be rough but she was very soft. Now our fucking had turned to love making. She sucked my nipples, she sucked my neck, she even sucked my sides. And somewhere along the way she had put back on her strap. She rolled over and pulled me on top of her. She looked up and asked me if I was up for a long ride. Shitttt, who did she think I was. I was more than ready. And I did just that.
_____She knew exactly how to move and when. She pulled me down and put my nipples in her mouth again. That’s my spot I swear. Then she just wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her. She started whispering things in my ear. Things I didn’t know if I should believe or not. She told me how she had always wanted me. And how hard it was for her to resist me. She told me how she never ever fucked with married women. She filled my ear with all kinda words. All the time I was riding to oblivion. I didn’t know if I should believe what she was saying. Good loving will make you promise someone a million dollars. But I wanted to believe her that’s for damn sure.
_____“Damn Jazzie baby you are making me crazy. I love you girl..you hear I love you. I have loved you since the first time you tried to holla at me.” And after that she came.
_____Shawna woke me up around 3 am. She asked if I had to go home but I told her my husband knew the deal. As long as I didn’t throw my shit up in his face and was there when he needed me on his arm for some event, he would make himself believe that I was probably with one of my homegirls and that I told him that I would be back in the morning. I snuggled up in her arms and went back to sleep.
_____Everything was going good with Shawna. I was able to keep up with her and my lifestyle at home. I was even able to hide the few times that my husband made me have sex with him. But one day all that came to a crashing halt.
_____“Jazzie, come on in the living room. We have company.” My husband told me as I came into the house. I walked into the living room and who was sitting on the couch but Shawna. She had come to “claim me”. She wanted to talk to my husband “man to man”. I had never wanted to disappear as much as I wanted to then. I actually prayed that I passed out or something. I didn’t know what to do or say. On one hand, I loved Shawna, I really did, but I was fond of my husband. I loved the life he provided. He made sure I was taken care of and that my mother never had to work again or pay another bill out of her pocket. Oh God, my mother, my family. No one knew I was bi or would accept it. My mother had a hint but like I said earlier, she made it clear that that wasn’t acceptable. Could I give all that up for her? What if it didn’t work out and I was left alone. I had never worked and didn’t have any marketable skills.
_____“So Jazzie your little girlfriend here has come into our home to tell me that she has been fucking you for the better part of a year and that she has come to get you and make you her’s. I told her you would never leave me. Isn’t that right, Jazzie?” He was saying my name like it disgusted him,
_____I looked at Shawna. She was the one that brought joy to my life. I loved her, but love didn’t pay the bills. With a painful heart and tears in my eyes, I asked Shawna to leave our home. She was crushed. I could tell. She didn’t even look my way when she brushed past me and walked out. My husband wore a smug grin on his face.
_____“I knew you loved my money more than you loved your lil side ho. And I told her as much. I’m going out. I ‘spect since you no longer have something on the side that you will be here when I get back.” He walked out of the house with an arrogance that I hated right then. I wanted him to walk out and never come back. I wanted to be loved. I wanted Shawna.
_____After he left, I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried. I cried for my hidden sexuality, I cried for Shawna, I cried for myself. I cried because I had been brought and paid for like everything else in this big ass lonely house. Everything had a purpose and as long as I served mine I was ok. But what kinda life was that? I had no responsibilities but I was still responsible for my mother. Without my husband she would have to go back to work. Hell I would have to work. What the hell would I do? And it hit me, I loved Shawna. I mean really really loved her. I couldn’t live without here. I tried to picture the next day without her in it. I tried to picture the next hour without knowing that I couldn’t call her up or sit at the computer and instant message her. I couldn’t. I’d die without her. I had to find a way. I’d walk out of this situation today just to be with her. I should have done it when I had the chance.
_____“Shawna please don’t hang up.” Click. Shit. I had been trying to talk to Shawna for three months. I had called her store, been to her store. She was always unavailable. I even went by her house. I had written numerous letters. They all came back “return to sender”. I was crushed, but I wasn’t going to stop. I knew that she still loved me. That kinda shit doesn’t disappear over night. I had to come up with something. I couldn’t live without her. And I couldn’t live knowing that she was in pain. I knew that she hadn’t found anyone else and that she was in just as much pain as I was.
_____I had stopped going around for like a week. I knew that she would think that I had given up. Sure enough, when I walked in she was helping a customer. When she was finished, she turned to walk away.
_____“Excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?”
_____“What do you want, Jazzie? You had the opportunity to say whatever you wanted to say when I was at your house. Now please, leave me alone. Don’t call, don’t come by, and don’t write. Please!” She didn’t even turn around when she said this. I went to touch her shoulder to keep her from walking away, but she turned around and stopped me with a look. I just started babbling.
_____“Shawna, I left him. I got a job and I left him. I’m broke but I’m free. Free to be with you. I gave all that up so I could be with you. Shawna please, I love you. I want to be with you forever.”
_____“You are lying. Your husband told me that he put you out. You didn’t do shit for me. Leave Jazzie, leave and don’t come back.”
_____“He’s lying Shawna I swear. He is just mad because I left him to be with you. He couldn’t deal with that. I swear Shawna, I did all that to be with you.”
_____“Well then you did it for nothing, Jazzie. I don’t want to be with you anymore. Can’t be with you anymore. I quit. I’m through. Loving you took too much outta me. I can’t be with you again. Now please, leave this store.” She turned around to leave.
_____ This time I didn’t stop her. Her words glued me to my spot. My baby, my world just told me to leave her alone. This was not comprehendible. I couldn’t wrap my mind around that.
_____I went home and again cried myself to sleep. This was becoming the norm for me. I heard a knock at the door but I just couldn’t get up the energy to put my feet on the floor and go answer it. I was exhausted. I wanted to die. I wanted to just disappear. I mean who would care anyway.
_____There goes that knocking again. I wish whoever it was would just go away. No one but my mother knew where I stayed and she definitely wasn’t coming here. Not where I lived. In her mind, I was dead. Gone. She told me so herself. She couldn’t accept a lesbian daughter and would rather pretend like I didn’t exist. I just closed my eyes willing sleep to come.
_____Someone was in here. I could feel it. I slowly opened my eyes to Shawna sitting on my bed looking at me.
_____“What the hell are you doing here Shawna? I got the message earlier. Matter fact, how did you get in here?”
_____“I know everything about you Jazzie. I know that you keep a key hidden in that plant on your front porch. Anyone who knows you would know that plant is a front. How you’ve kept it alive is a mystery to me.” She even had the nerve to laugh at herself.
_____“Look Shawna, I got what you were saying earlier. I will leave you alone ok. As much as it hurts, I gotta move on, somehow.”
_____“That is what I wanted to talk to you about. I know that your husband was lying. It was easier to ignore you if I believed him. Believe me, I’ve been going through hell without you.” She got up and started pacing the room.
_____ “Jazzie, I love you. I tried to fight it, I tried to erase it but I can’t. I am not whole without you. I knew what I was getting into when I started messing with you but I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love. I can’t blame it all on you. I thought that if I went and claimed you that our love would take over and you would realize that I was serious about us and that I wanted to make a life for you. I see I went about it the wrong way but my heart was in the right place.” Shawna went over to my closet and started taking out my clothes.
_____“What are you doing?” I asked.
_____“Jazzie, forget this raggedy ass apartment. Forget that trifling ass job that you have too. From here on out, I’m taking care of you. Pack up your shit, we are going home. To our home.”
_____“Hold up baby. That all sounds all well and good but you can’t take care of me. You have a nice house and everything but baby, you can’t afford to take care of me without me kicking in something. And then there is the matter of your mother. Baby you still live with her. You can’t just bust and announce that I’m moving in.”
_____“Jazzie sit down there are some things that I need to tell you. I don’t just work at the store, I own it. I just didn’t tell you cause I wanted you to want me for me and not a lifestyle. Before you get vexed think about it. You were basically with your husband just for money. I didn’t want us to be about that. Surely, you can understand that. And baby, my mother lives with me.” She said with a wink.
_____Now, I’ll admit for a minute I was mad, but what she was saying was true. I looked at her standing there and I knew that she was my life. So hell, I kissed my shitty apartment and my dead end job goodbye and I dipped.
_____Everything is not all sugar and shit but we made it. My family really doesn’t deal with me at all. I guess they think my sexuality is an insult or something. Being with Shawna has opened doors to a whole new family, a much tighter family, my rainbow family. My true colors finally came through. All five of them.
_____And that’s the story of my life, love, and all that jazz!!!
Copyright © 2004. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.