_____There she stood, chocolate with a hint of red with tears streaming from her eyes. Have you ever had someone stand near you and be so untouchable? It's like when they are next to you they are still distant. We had been having problems for a few months now, but nothing major. We'd be mad at one another for a day or two and then talk out our issue and move on.
_____Recently it's just been one problem after another. And here she stood with another problem, "You know what Serenity you are just too demanding for me. It's hard to love you." Did she just say what I really heard? How the hell can it be hard to love someone?
_____Either you love them or you don't, but to actually put in effort I thought it was effortless to love someone. So I wondered and had to ask, "What makes me so hard to love?"
_____"You don't let me do what I want to do for you. You demand that I send you roses, and write you love letters. I just can't feel obligated to do things anymore. That's why I don't do them."
_____See here we have a problem. Let me back up a bit. Destiny and I had met about 4 years ago online. We became instant friends and she confided in me that she was lesbian. I told her it was cool you know I had a lot of friends that were, it seemed to be a phase and essentially a part of friendship. So from time to time she would drop hints that she liked me and I would play them off because "I wasn't like that."
_____One night she confided in me that she was falling in love with me. From that day on I had avoided the topic but she started to press me, and ask me to date her. For some reason I said yes. I guess I should have thought twice about it since she had confided in me that she had been heartbroken before.
_____Along with that instantly came a wall she tried to let go of to be with me. But I found my self not loving her as soon as she was loving me. I decided that I would either try to protect my heart within this relationship and hurt her or give my all and risk the chance of being hurt. I never once could've imagined that I'd get hurt in a relationship let alone with a female.
_____My love for her came instantly, I loved the way she talked to me, I loved the way her voice sounded when she called me in the morning to tell me, "Good morning Sweetheart."
_____She became my Destiny and I became her Serenity. We had already mastered the art of friendship, so we worked more on our lover role. She became my soul, my happiness, the one I confided in, the one I ran to when I had been hurt. For me it was hard to let people into my world because people always let you down and this was something I had realized in my 23 years.
_____When Destiny came into the picture I let all of that go. She was a calming to my storm that was raging in me and here she stood telling me I was hard to love! How could this be?
_____ I have to admit I expected a lot out of Destiny, hell I was new to lesbian love and she had been doing it since she was 21, she was now 31.When we first started dating she would tell me about her past loves and how they never appreciated the things that she did for them. So I made it a point to care about even the small things. As time went on she stopped doing the small things and that's when I think our relationship started to suffer. So here I sat with the one I loved more than life itself expressing to me that she couldn't love me and be with me anymore but thought we should remain friends. Yeah friends, we go from friends to lovers and back to friends.
_____ And I just sat and listened as she talked, " I love you and you'll always be my baby. I don't want any one else I swear but I think we need to be apart."
_____What the fuck it was her ideal to move in together! I was perfectly fine living with my self until one day she decided she wanted to move in together now she was saying we needed space. Well damn I wonder who's moving out, damn I need to do my laundry.
_____"Serenity baby, seriously I love you with my all my heart but you are not the calming person that you used to be in my life. I remember a time when you would simply say hi to me and all the hard times of my day would be erased and now all you do is bitch! And I am so tired of it." Hold up is it me or is all this shit being put on me?
_____"Okay I'll admit that some days I am not the easiest person to love but you have to understand why. You're the one that cheated on me, neglected me and you know damn good and well you are emotionally distant at times. When I want to talk things out you just give me the cold shoulder." Yeah it's true she cheated on me and I wondered aloud if I had ever gotten over it.
_____She claimed it was because I broke up with her and she didn't know how to deal with it. But ironically this female had been hanging around her professing her love for her knowing damn good and well my baby was in a relationship. I guess she was there to pick up the pieces when I decided our relationship needed a break, but to hear Destiny tell it, " It was my fault I know how our break ups are, we break up and then we get back together all the time but this time I slept with her I am so sorry."
_____ Sorry huh, but you know when you in love you forgive and try to forget a lot of shit. Some remains in the mind and as things happen in the relationship flash backs seem to arise.
_____One night I was taking a shower to relax from a very stressful day at the office. You know the type where people bring shit to you like they don't know how to fix it but the simplest shit is wrong with it. From the shower curtain I see a silhouette of the lady of my life standing taking off her clothes she enters into the shower, she embraced me with a hug that eased away all the stresses of my day.
_____ She whispered in my ear, " Did my Sweetheart have a stressful day at work." And in that instant my stress was lifted off my body, wanting nothing more then her to replace it.
_____She begins by kissing my lips, softly then harder until she got a moan out of me. She traces my body with her hands, and follows up with a massage from her tongue over ever inch of my overworked body. She plunged her finger deep inside my wet pussy and look up with a smile and say, "So you missed me today?"
_____I whispered in response, "Yes baby, I missed you so much today."
_____She took her finger and pumped it in and out at a rapid pace until I felt like I couldn't take anymore, knowing that I could she removed her finger and insert her tongue to finish the work.
_____She inserted her tongue inside of me and I screamed out in pleasure, "OOOoooooo Destiny baby right there" knowing that she had me close to orgasm she stopped, and stood up in front of me and tongue fucked the hell out of me making me orgasm just by the touch of her lips softly pressed against mine and her tongue meeting mine inside of her mouth. She turned me around and asked me to spread my legs. I felt her breathing on my calf as she licked her way up to my inner thighs and licked where the water trickled down my dripping body. She licked from the inside of my ass to the tip of my pussy bringing my body to a seizure like orgasm. She stood up and whispered in my ear, " Do you feel better yet?" and I moaned out, "yes baby. I love you."
_____She whispered back, "Let me make love to you." She stood behind me and spread my legs with her hands on my inner thigh and slowly inserted her 9'' strap on to my surprise.
_____"Oh shit baby!" I moaned out in pleasure. She began to ram her cock inside of me at the most rapid pace, I had ever experienced until I heard her scream out in pleasure.
_____"Damn that's how I like my pussy." She said to me over and over as her legs began to shake. I soon joined her in a full body orgasm, which left both of us tired.
_____We had many nights where we made sweet passionate love over and over again until one of us cried, or we both feel asleep in each other's arms. See we did had great times so what was she talking about I was hard to love. Damn it had to be someone else I knew it!
_____"So what's her name Destiny? This shit is just coming out of no where, you have to be fucking somebody else!"
_____She stopped packing, and looked at me with tears streaming down her face, she came to me with open arms and through her tears I could hear, " It will never be any one else, you loved me more than I could have ever imaged. Lately it's just that we are not even talking anymore. We come home and go through the motions, making love to you just isn't the same anymore. You want this demand that, and you never let me make love to you. You never let me be romantic because I want to be. You always ask why I don't do this or that and even if I wanted to I'd question if I was just doing it because you asked me and not because I really wanted to. I love you like I've never loved anyone before and I've been in love with people before. I'm just so thankful that I got to watch you grow from a girl to stunning woman. I thank you for that, but I'm sad that during your growth we grew apart."
_____She continued to cry and I just stood in shock as the woman that I loved more than life itself decided to walk out the door and leave me with nothing more than a faint kiss on my lips.
_____And a simple, "Good bye sweetheart, please don't hate me."
_____But I did hate her! I hated her with all that I was. A year and a half of my life wasted. I just could not believe that I actually took a chance and loved someone, and in the end I got hurt. Not once did I even fathom the thought of getting hurt or living without her. We would sit up hours and talk about what we wanted to do together in the future. We decided we were going to buy a house this year, and have a baby the following year; I wanted to get my masters degree and was well on my way to achieving it. She wanted to get her PHD and was taking the steps needed to obtain that. All this planning and she just walked out the door like that. I knew the relationship couldn't have been that bad or was it and I was just blind to it.
_____So why is it when you're sad you have to listen to sad music to confirm that you were in love and lost it. So out came Deborah Cox, Monica, and Jessie Powell the tears began to flow and I knew I couldn't take being without her any longer. But I wasn't the type to run and chase anyone that didn't want to be with me especially if I was too stubborn to admit I just may have been wrong. I didn't want to be alone that night so I called the girls over.
_____"Hey, let's have a waiting to exhale party." I said to my girl Tasha.
_____"Girl ain't nobody waiting to exhale get off that shit! You and Destiny must have broken up AGAIN, go to sleep she will be home tomorrow."
_____That sounded good but Tasha wasn't there when Destiny broke down and told me how hard it was to love her. Our break ups had become somewhat of a mellow dramatic ritual, and I just couldn't see how this was would end up the same way. So since my girls wouldn't come over I settled for watching waiting to exhale and realizing that men and women are dogs alike! I swore off both sexes and declared I'd be in love with me and me only. I fell asleep only to be waken up by an eerie feeling that I was being watched. "What the hell!" I said out loud.
_____"Last person you ever expected to see here huh sweetheart."
_____There she sat right next to me but still untouchable it seemed. Tears began to stream down my face, and she wiped each one away. She whispered in my ear, " I'm sorry, I cant live without you. I tried and only lasted 6 hours."
_____That night we made the type of love that everyone talks about. Slow passionate every move synchronized, eye contact and loving words followed by tears of pleasure. We fell asleep in each other's arms like old times, and thought about our future together.
_____*Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Damn that was a good ass dream! Maybe I should call her.
_____***Ring*** ***Ring*** she picked up the phone sounding live as can be,
_____"Hello!!! Serenity are you there" damn caller ID always letting people know you called I knew I needed a private number!
_____"Umm yeah I'm here" I replied.
_____ "I love you sweetheart."
_____Was she just saying this to play with my emotions or did she really mean this? Before my mind could tell my heart to shut up my mouth just spoke.
_____"I love you too baby why did you leave me, I need you in my life to make me complete."
_____She replied, "I have to go…."
_____And with those words I realized something that I had never thought about, to my Destiny I was hard to love only because I loved her back in a way she'd never experienced, she feared it and ran away. I've had lonely nights since and still smell her smell…. But I realize she had to go….
Copyright © 2003. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.