I'm thinking. Usually I'm thinking all the time, well, almost all the time. Sometimes I don't think and just react. Today is the day when I want her to react to what I have been thinking of since yesterday. So, how can I start?

"How come?" I look up from the magazine I was reading and see her sitting on the sofa staring at the tv.

"What?" she doesn't even look at me, taking a sip from her beer.

"How come you don't love me no more?" I'm so tired of these questions (so "drama like"), but gotta get her attention somehow, even this one is a biggie. I have to this time! Way too long I been going back and forth, wondering how much I mean to her, it's time to talk.

"Oh Jada, come on now, why you bring up that same ole shit every time I'm trying to have a relaxing weekend? See, I just wanna enjoy the playoffs and chill, ya know. So stop it. You know that I love you. Don't have to tell you every day, do I?"

I feel the anger creepin up inside of me. Yeah, I asked this often, because I need to hear it from time to time. When we first met, she said it every day, after we moved in about 10 months ago, I didn't hear it more than once a week, once a month? Can't remember. But it's not the words I wanna hear, it's the affection I wanna feel. People are different, show they care differently. I just never imagined that we would reach the level of no communication at all. Well, did we reach that level yet? Or is it just me asking for attention again and again, and again?

"Joan, I'm tired of asking for attention, expecting you to show some appreciation. Yes,you wanna chill! Yes You want me to stop it. What if I wanna talk about it right now?" I try to control my voice, this time I wont give in. I keep staring at her, but she doesn't bother. Not a single movement on her face.

"Jada! I don't know what to do to show you my appreciation, and by the way, why do I have to show you? you should feel it."

Woohoo, I was just waitin for this sentence, and finally she said it! This is my turn! I get up, throw the magazine in her direction and leave the room. While I'm movin my sassy ass I kinda mumble, but make sure it's loud enough for her to hear it.

"Ok, guess she was right when she said that some people can only show their affection and love in the bedroom!"

I start doing the dishes in the kitchen, turn on the radio and decide to wait for Joan. I know she will show up, I give her five minutes, well, maybe ten. This time I will make her suffer, will make her see who she's dealing with. Yesterday I had a good talk with a woman I met at a poetry reading, somehow we started discussing some poems we heard, and ended up talking about people who build up shells around themselves. We figured that for some people, it's only possible to find a way through this shell after/during sex.

It was amazing talking to her, because her wife, yes, she dared to marry a woman, had the same way of treating her like Joan treats me. I don't doubt her love, I don't question her love, but I do question my position in her life sometimes. And I wanna know what's going on inside of Joan whenever she is so dayum closed up, whenever she pulls back and builds up this distance between us. I remember days and nights, when we had some good sex, and afterwards I was holding her (although she says she is the one who's suppose to hold me because I'm so vulnerable and still a child), and she starts talking about her past, her experiences. But she just talks as long as she can manage to keep her eyes open and suddenly I hear her snore. Damn, just when I thought I opened the window to her soul! I enjoy these moments, when you lay there, very close to each other, emotions and spirits meet on the same level. I don't like that she stops after a little while and falls asleep. Because I wanna learn more about her, wanna see more from her, touch her deeper; show her that I'm here for her, and whatever it is, I will listen and try to understand. God knows there is a reason why I love Joan. And why I am where I am right now

"She? Who?"

I jump because I didn't hear her come into the kitchen. But pretend I didn't hear her.

"Jada! She? Who is she?"

I don't like her tone; it's too loud. For a second I wonder if I should really go for the talk I was suppose to? But I will, I wanna confront her. For my own sake, or?

"You don't know her, a woman I met at the poetry reading yesterday"

"And she said what?" Joan is coming closer, leaning against the sink, looking at me. Her eyes are full of anger, amazement. I keep looking at the towel in my hand.

"Well, she said, that some people you can only reach through sex. Meaning, get into them, you know what I mean? We had a long talk, exchanging experiences."

"Talked about experiences? What kind of experiences? Is she gay? Did u talk about me?"

"I didn't mention your name, don't you worry!"

Dang, didn't mean to say that! Now she will be upset. And she is. She grabs the towel I was using and throws it on the counter.

"Why you talk about me to other women Jada?" I know I struck a nerve, I know her jealousy, I know her insecurity, and I definitely know I started this the wrong way. Damn! But at least I have her attention.

"Don't get all upset Joan! First, I didn't mention your name (why do I say it again?), second; it was a conversation about people who build up shells around themselves and that they can only be touched during sex. That's all!"

"Never heard such bullshit Jada" she grabs another beer out of the fridge. "And I don't want you to talk about me to other women, if you have something to say, tell me, you hear me, just moi!"
Now I'm getting pissed. "You? Joan? You don't listen, and you refuse to talk about deep stuff, at least deep stuff concerning you, or us, after we moved in together. You talk about everything that's happening in the world; about war, injustice in Israel, you talk about a dayum foul in a fucking playoff game, but you don't talk about yourself Joan! And I'm tired of asking!"

Wow, I need to calm down, but I can't, not yet! "Whenever I start talking about emotions, you push me away, saying I ask for too much. You say some things don't have to be mentioned and I wonder why and which things Joan? Talking to this woman opened my eyes ya know. Whenever we had a good session in bed, you dare to open your damn mouth and tell me what's bothering you, tell me how you feel. I don't want to talk about all that just after a good fuck Joan; I wanna talk about it when I feel like talking about it! I need more feedback from you. I Wanna look inside your soul, do I ask for too much?

She is quiet. She is amazed about the words I used, she's not used to hearing me cursing. Wow? Did I succeed? Do I see a little hole through her shell? I feel my body calming down, but my hands are still shaking. I'm not a very good talker when it comes to emotional conversation, but dang, at least I try!

"You are insane miss "I know everything." I'm not wearing no damn shell, and if so, why would I let you dig a hole through it after we made love? Makes no sense to me!"

"Then think about it Joan, think hard. I might be wrong, but somehow I think I'm not. And, by the way, I don't know everything, I just try to figure out some things."

"You just wanna hear me say I love you more often, that's all!" Why don't you go to that woman you met yesterday and dig some holes with her? She seems pretty clever when she gives you advice like this!"

"I might", whoops, wrong word, I know instantly.

"What?" Her eyes are wide open now. You might? Are you interested in her or what? Is that why you brought up all this shit?"

"No Joan, and you know it! Stop cussing!"

I grab the towel again and avoid looking at her. Somehow I feel I'm walking on thin ice. Didn't mean to lead her in this direction, not at all. Didn't mean to make her jealous.

"I'm just trying to learn about you. Trying to figure out why it's so hard to get to you. I hoped you would understand what I'm talking about, but you got it all wrong. We had so many good talks, met on emotional stages, but right now, we don't meet anywhere. Forget about all this ok Joan, because it's drifting in the wrong direction."

Damn, wish I never started talking about this. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe Joan isn't that type of woman? Maybe it was just an idea to get things sorted out? Although, her reaction shows me that I can't be wrong in all places. I don't know. Maybe mentioning all this after we had some sex would have shown a different result, who knows?

"Jada, look at me!" wow she really is upset. "What do you want from me?" "I told you"

"You did not"

"Yes I did, you just don't see it"

"All I see and hear is plain shit. All I see is my girlfriend looking for more attention, and if I don't give it to her she will carry her ass to another woman. That's what I see and I don't like it!" I give up. I see no way how to express what's on my mind right now. Maybe I'm just not able to do so when I'm upset myself. Lawd, I'm only human too!

"We can talk about this some other time Joan, ok?' I make sure my voice sounds soft and calm." Go watch ya game."

"Hell no! First I wanna know what brought you to the idea with this hole-diggin thing."

"You gotta figure out what brought me to the idea, and when you found a solution, we can talk about it"

I see her standing there. She is upset, and also hurt. Is it fair to start something emotional like this and leave it all open? No it's not, but I can't finish it alone. It's up to her to think about it now. Look inside herself and get ready to finish this talk, this thought. I can't push any further, it could end on a dangerous note. I know I'm a pusher, but I have also learned to leave things on the table until it's time to deal with them again. So I will wait, wait for her to give it a thought. Right now I'm messed up as well because my idea of talking about her and her fears ended up in a one way street again. Wish I'd be more patient, wish I'd be more secure.

"BOOM!" She slammed the door and the next thing I hear is her car outside. Oh well, I just hope she drives carefully! I finish the dishes, get back to the living room and zap through channels, but can't concentrate on them. I really hate these days. Am I PMSing?

"No Jada, you just wanna be able to love this woman all over," I say out loud and in my thoughts I add a "and you wanna make sure that she loves you too". Deep inside I do. So where is my fucking problem? I don't know. Hmm, well I do know. Insecurity! And the desire to understand this woman, the desire to get into her, the desire to leave the daily routine and cherish every single day. I sigh and turn off the tv. It's late. I messed up her basket ball game, messed up her Sunday evening, messed up mine. I feel sorry for myself sometimes, that's when I bring up these kind of things, right now, I feel sorry for her. I will apologize later....

Around 1 a.m. I hear some noise in the kitchen, but keep my eyes closed and hide under the covers. Hope she isn't drunk; hope she doesn't throw any shit. But then there is silence again. I hear Joan enter the bedroom, quietly. I'm peeking while I see her laying down a bunch of yellow roses beside my side of the bed. Wow! Why do I get roses? For messing with her? Or, did she think? I have to smile, but I don't move. She's bending down and kisses my forehead softly. Still I keep my eyes closed. When she finally sneaks under the covers I turn to look at her.

"I'm sorry Joan, I didn't mean to push you, or hurt you, I just wanted...." She shuts me up with her lips on mine.

"I wanna talk to you Jada" she whispers, pulling me closer to her. Feels so good to feel her warm skin against mine.

"You wanna talk? How come?" I smirk while I let her slide her hand over my tummy.

"Hmmm, yes, been thinking a lit bit ya know."

"Oh ok, sounds good" I plant a little kiss on her lips "So let me move sweetie"

"Hmmmmm" is all I hear while she pulls her hand away from my tummy and lays still beside me.

"Can I have some first.... Please?" she whispers again.

"Sure you can" and I take her hand back.


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