_____My days are so repetitious now since you left a month ago. I go to work and come home to the emptiness. I eat a TV dinner, as you know I hate to
cook, watch a little television and go to sleep. This is my day during the
week, but the weekend is the worst. I sleep all day, feed my face all night,
and cry between the two. I do not answer the phone and I do not bother
answering the door. I do not feel like going out with friends. It seems the
days and nights are per capita.
_____The night you left was the beginning of my end. I tried to talk you into staying but you said you had enough. You said you were weary of my
temperamental moody side. The pain in your eyes haunts my night dreams. I
said I loved you, but you said it was not enough. I tried to hold you, but
you said it would not work this time. My heart cried. However, I put on my
stubborn mask and said, " Then go." When I saw you close the door I dropped
to my knees and cried.
_____The Morning after you left, I called my job and said I was sick. I knew I could only miss two days without a note from my doctor. So on the third
day I pulled myself together as best I could and dragged myself to work. I
told no one of your departure and just said I had migraines. The day was busy
which helped to keep mind off the end of my world as I knew it since the day
you walked into my life.
_____I came home that night exhausted and worn only to find you had been
there. I smelled your perfume and I thought you had come home. I ran
through the house in search of you. The only thing I found was that you had
come only to collect your things. My heart started bleeding. I cried myself
to sleep that night and every night after that.
_____I wanted to call you but I did not know where to find you. I called your
job a hundred times and each time you refused to take my call. I gave up
calling at one hundred and one. It was on my mind to go to your job but you
would probably call security on me. My next thought was to call Vicki, yet I
knew she would never reveal where you were staying. Then, came the thought
of maybe following you from your job. There I was thinking of every way to
get you back. For three weeks I planned of a way to get to you. The fourth
week was when I stopped grabbing for the phone and answering the door.
Nothing mattered to me and I just fell into a total state of depression.
_____To get up and get ready for work was a struggle. I went through each
day in a daze. My friends called me to see if I were alive, however, when I
stopped accepting calls they decided to give me space and time to heal. The
television became my new solace. Food, well that comforted me for a little
_____The second month came and went. Then the fourth month was upon me and I
was still crying myself to sleep. By the sixth month I knew that you were
never coming back. I ran into Vicki that month and she told me you were doing
well. I tried to found out where you were but she only said that you asked
her not to tell me. When she walked away, I thought just then I wanted to
die. That is when I called a shrink and made an appointment.
_____By the ninth month of your departure I was feeling like my old self with
a few changes. The visits with the shrink were a big help. We talked about
my problems with you. We talked about other things too, but most of all we
talked about you. I understood the problem and I promised me to be less
aggressive in my next relationship.
_____One year passed me by with much change in my life. I answered my phone
one early Saturday morning, the first time without checking the caller Id
box. I heard soft breathing then the familiar sound of my name, "Dee?" I
had to take a few breaths to calm my beating heart before I answered.
Nevertheless, I must have hesitated to long because the voice on the other
end said my name again, "Dee, baby, it is I, Micha." I was stunned, what
could I say? It was you, my love, my heart, my woman. My anger came forth,
"What do you want after all this time." You asked if we could talk, you
asked if you could come by next week to talk. The anger dissipated and I
wanted to climb through the telephone line to you. I was still in love with
you. I still yearned for you. I had to take a deep breath and I asked you
what day. You said you would come by Friday. Damn, I thought, a whole week
of waiting. Yet, I waited over a year for your return, therefore, one week
would have to suffice. I told you that would be fine and you said good. You
seemed to want to say something, yet you only said you would see me then. We
hung up the phone and I jumped of the bed and shouted for joy.
_____I spent the weekend cleaning the house and bringing it back to some
sort of order. Since the day you left me, I really did not care what the
house looked like. Monday I called my shrink. She said I could come
Wednesday. I called Bernie to tell her the news and she warned me not to get
my hopes too high. I told her just to hope for the best. Monday went slow,
yet Tuesday was gone before I knew it. Wednesday was upon me and my
appointment with the shrink was at noon. I knew that she would tell me the
same thing Bernie said. DO NOT GET MY HOPES UP! So, I didn't.
_____The house was spotless and I thought of making dinner, but by Friday I
had no time. I did not know when you would arrive and I left work late. I
had errands to run and I got a flat tire and the police stopped me for
speeding. I was just simply worn out. When I pulled into the drive, I
noticed a new Mercedes parked in the drive. The car was not familiar, nor was
the license plate. The lights were on in the house. Could it possibly be
you? Yet, how? I was not sure if you still had the key.
I leaned my head back against the seat of the car and closed my eyes. I had
to calm the palpation of my heart. My thoughts had become a wandering mess.
‘Well,' I thought, ‘ there is no time like the present. Let me get this
over.' I got out the car and walked to the house. When I opened the door
and entered the house there was the familiar smell of your scent and the
aroma of chicken teriyaki. The sound of Boney James was playing on the
stereo. I heard a sound in the kitchen, so that was where I went.
_____There you were, as beautiful as ever. A flood of emotions over came
me, desire, lust, pain, hurt, and finally anger. You must have seen all the
emotions run across my face because you walked toward me and hugged me and
whispered softly, "Hello DeAnna." I wanted to faint, yet I held myself
together. "Hello Michaunah, how have you been doing?" I asked. You respond
with hesitancy, but you said only that you were fine. You tell me to come to
the dinning area and have a seat, you would be serving me soon. I sat and
looked at the table. It was set for two with pink candles and a beautiful
peach flower arrangement. What could it be that Micha had in mind this
night, I thought? You fixed both of our plates and served our wine. We
started the meal in silence but I could not wait until you would be ready to
talk. "What is it that you wanted to talk about? I mean, after a whole year
of no communication, you call one day and say, ‘let us talk'." You set your
fork down and said, "I see your temper has not changed." The pain that ran
across my face must have touched you because you smiled and said, "that was a
cheap shot, I am so sorry." My attitude changed quickly and I ended up
apologizing," No, Micha, you are right. My pushy and temperamental attitude
and my argumentative behavior ran you away. I have loved you from the day I
met you. Yet sadly I had issues I could not deal with so I took it all out on
you. I understand this now thanks to my shrink I have begun to deal with
it." You stand up and come to me and bend down. With your hand you touch my
face. I look down at you and see the love in your eyes. Softly you said,
"Dee I know about your counseling sessions." I told you I did not
understand. You smiled and asked me to follow you to the livingroom.
_____I sat on the couch and watched as you changed the CD on the stereo. It
was another of Boney James' CD's. You sure as hell knew how to get me to
relax, because I was nervous. When the music begun you came over to sit next
to me on the couch. We faced each other, both trying to read the depth of
the others soul. I closed my eyes and turned my head and asked you to
explain yourself. You took my hand and told me that you always knew what and
how I was doing because for one Bernie and Jody kept you informed of my
business. Second, you would come by when I was not home to see if I were
taking care of myself. I got a little upset and told you that much. I asked
you how was it fair for you to keep up with me but not allow anyone to tell
me about you. With a smirk you told me that you wanted me to hurt as badly
as I kept hurting you over the five years we had been together. I was
floored, and became really angry. I shouted at you, "what do you want with me
after all of this time." It was astonishing to me when you smiled and said,
"Dee.. baby still love you. It took all my strength to stay away when Bernie
said you were steps away from just giving up totally. You pulled yourself
together and kept getting on up. I knew you would, you are made of that kind
of stuff. That is what I love about you. You fall but you always stand up."
I told you I did not want to hear any of that stuff. "Micha, what do you
want with me?" I asked again. Again you took my hand in yours and said, "Dee,
I think you are ready to have me back." I became really angry and snatched my
hand away. I stood up and walked to the door, "I need some fresh air, "I
said. While I stood outside on the porch, my mind thought of all kinds of
nasty things I wanted to say to you. Yet, the only thing I could admit was
that you were right. I wanted you back.
_____I went back into the house and noticed that you had refilled the wine
glasses. The beauty of you touched my heart. I wanted to reach out and
touch you. Nevertheless, all I did was reach for my wine glass and sit
across from you in the armchair. Your eyes were clear and I noticed that you
seemed stronger more in control and more self assured. I did not know what
to say or even what to do. For the first time in my life I knew that I was
not in control. I was not in charge. This was your show and all I could do
was wait to see what part I took in this scene. I waited patiently for you to
continue. Our eyes met and we stared at one another for what seemed like an
eternity. I read new things in your eyes. Things I had never seen before and
things I never wanted to see again. I crossed and uncrossed my legs and
waited patiently for you to talk. You sipped your wine with patient
casualness. I began to think you were waiting me out to see what I had to
_____The music stopped and you laid your glass down. You asked what I wanted
to hear next as you preceded to change the CD. I said whatever you wanted to
hear. The sound of Luther Vandross came on and I knew then where you were
going with this night. I opened my mouth to tell you that I did not
understand why you waited so long to come back and why did you even want me
back, but you stopped me by asking me to dance with you. I was dumbfounded.
My mind raced and I could not think of what to say. You must have read the
hesitation that showed on my face because you took my hand and pulled me to
my feet and said, "Come on Dee, relax. I am not going to bite you." I could
not believe how nervous I had become. It was not usual for me, I was the one
who was supposed to lead you. Yet there you were, taking control.
_____You pulled me into your arms and held me close. I liked the feel of
you. It had been so long since I felt the softness of you. I let you lead
since, of course, it was your show. We danced to A House Is Not a Home.
Softly you whispered in my ear, "Dee..I love you." The tears that I had been
holding onto since I came back into the house started to fall. My body began
to tremble. Still, you held me close as you rocked us to the music. I
waited so long to hear you say those words to me again. I wanted to respond.
I wanted to tell you how much I loved you, yet the words would not come
through the tears. All I could do was cry harder. All you did was pull me
closer into your arms.
_____Luther sounded so sweet playing on the stereo and you spoke to me
through him. The next song that followed was If This World Were Mine. What
were you doing to me I asked myself? We had to talk. I had to say
something. You were wining and dining me. Using the tricks, I had used many
times to get you to forgive me for my foolishness. That was when I realized
you were just playing a game with me. I pulled away and looked into your
eyes. Treachery was not what I read in your eyes. Instead I read your love
and understanding. "Micha, we need to talk!" I said. You nodded your head
and turned and walked to the sofa. When you were seated, you patted the sofa
telling me sit beside you. I sat next to you and asked you to explain why it
was now that you felt I was ready to have you back. I asked how you were
able to hide yourself from me for over a year. With a smile you said, "If
you tried hard enough you could have found me."
_____I asked with anger, "Where were you staying?"
_____You smiled again and replied, "With Vikki, of course!"
_____That answer hit me like a rock. I was floored. It would have been so
easy for me just to go to Vikki's house and I would have found you. A whole
year went by and did not even think to find you staying with Vikki. I became
angry, "Why have you come back into my life? I have spent the last six
months getting over you or rather, trying to get over you! I have had
sleepless nights of crying myself to sleep and forcing myself to get up and
face the world! Why did you come back?! If it were so terrible being with
me then why come back?" I stood up and walked to the window. The tears
returned and I started to tremble with exhaustion. I had said what I had
wanted to say all night and the release should have made me feel better, but
all I felt was pain.
_____"Dee. Baby. I had to avoid you." You stood up and walked to me as you
spoke. I did not turn around as you stood behind me. "Why?" I asked. You
placed your hands on my shoulders and turned me around to face you. "Because
you needed the time to get to know yourself and face the issues you had.
Walking out on you was not easy for me. I wanted to come home many times,
especially when Bernie said how miserable you were. Besides, you could have
found me. You gave up calling me after about a hundred and one times. I
kept waiting for you to call again. I started wishing you would call or show
up on my job. Yet you never did. Why did you give up so easily? I expected
you to hang on, fight for us and fight for me!" You started to cry and turned
away from me.
_____I was not sure how to respond to you so all I said, "What did you expect
me to do. You left me. You wouldn't accept my calls and you told everyone
not to tell me where you were. I mean damn Micha, you walk in here after a
year and you say I am ready to get back with you. Please forgive me but
again I say you left me!". I thought the nerve of you while shouting but I
was fed up with this whole situation. I didn't fight for you. Then you had
to start crying.
_____"Dee, all I know is I loved you and you kept picking fights and I really
became tired of it. Okay? I want to be with you. I had a year to get
myself together and think about us .
_____"So now you are back and we are supposed to pick up where you left us?".
I was feeling confused and angry. You were crying, yet, there was
confidence about you. My mind was working over time to figure this situation
out. "Micha, what is it you want? I got my life together it took same time
but I feel better and more in control of things. I do not need to push you
around to feel good about myself." As I spoke those last words, I realized
what you were trying to tell me. I gave up the fight and said to you,
"Micha, I understand now. Please come home." You faced me and our eyes met.
Each understanding the others point of view.
_____"We should have talked a long time ago. Nevertheless, I never knew
when or how to go about it. Then I saw you out one day about a month ago and
I wanted to call to you. However, I didn't know what to say so I hid from
you. I went home and realized that I really wanted you back I told Vikki and
she reminded me that I should follow my heart. So I waited a couple of days
and then I called."
_____My whole life I had never had been at a loss for words, but this night
I was losing control. I did not know what move to make or what things were
left to be said. We were being open and honest with each other, something we
had not done since we were at the point of getting to know each other. Now
here we were getting to know each other again. I wanted to touch you and
hold you again in my arms. Yet, I was unsure of what I should do and how you
would react. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned on one foot. I was
tense and needed to do something and I really did not know what to do. Then
you came to me and reached out your hand and said, "Dee, I would love to come
home to you. I just want you to promise no more of your craziness. Okay?"
_____I smiled and said okay. We hugged and kissed to seal the deal. The
kiss was sweet and gentle at first then we pressed harder and your lips
parted. I easily slide my tongue in and you opened your mouth to receive me.
The need for you had become over whelming and was ready to take you right
there on the livingroom floor. Still, for this reunion I wanted it to be
special. So, I pushed you away and said, "Is this the beginning of our new
relationship?" You smiled and said it was the beginning of something. I
take your hand and lead you to the bedroom.
_____We stood before each other and our eyes met. The desire you had was
written all over your face. I felt the need to take you but for once I
wanted you to be the one to take the lead and love me. I held back as best I
could and waited for you to take control but we stood there just staring at
each other. You made no move to begin. A little stunned I asked you what
the problem was, you told me that you were taking in my beauty and the
amazement of watching me wait for you. I smiled and you laughed. There we
were wanting to make love to celebrate our future and instead we were
laughing at me not being the usual aggressive one. The love we felt for each
other was in the air, yet we were so amazed at the effort I made in not being
pushy or aggressive.
_____With a patient stride you came to me and pulled me into your arms. To
be held in your arms was Devine. I snuggled against you and inhaled your
perfume. I was intoxicated and very much aroused. Our lips touched, first
gentle then deep and passionately. I wrapped my arms around your waist and
pulled you tighter against me. My hands traveled the curvatures of your
body. The softness of your buttocks hypnotized me into shameless arousal.
Your hands did an exploration of their own. My body juices were flowing and
we had not even tasted the honey sweetness of each others womanhood.
_____So many nights I dreamed about your coming home to me and you and I
making love. I spent sleepless nights thinking of our reunion and the
completeness I felt when we were together. The passionate nights of
unadulterated lovemaking were tortured memories. Your face and body hoovered
in my dreams and I tossed and cried over your departure. Now, there you were
ready and willing to start newly and forget the past.
_____The past . . .
_____You walked out . . .
_____I had to turn to a psychologist to pull myself together . . .
_____You were feeling so good in my arms . . . What was I doing. I asked myself. My desire and my mind were not working together. I wanted you. I
needed you. Still, the past year kept replaying in my head. It became hard
to concentrate on our lovemaking. You touched all the right places that
drove me wild and filled me with such passion that I had to take deep breaths
to calm my raged pulse. AH.. DAMN..! You felt so good. The taste of you
was beyond comprehension. We had not even taken our clothes off, yet the
pleasure was unexplainable. Still, I thought of how depressed I became when
you walked out on me. My heart bleed for you and I swore to the heavens that
I would never love so deep or so passionate again.
_____I was wrong to hurt you, yet your departure left me with a whole in my heart that I found you could never fill again. Physically, we were a matched
pair. As my tongue slid down your neck and to your chest and between your
breast, I realized that all I had to give back to you was the physical side
of our relationship. We heightened and pulled the desire from the past, but
the love was not there. The love had changed. The need for you to be in my
life, beside me, apart of me and complete with me was no longer there. I
realized I needed to stop what we were doing and talk you.
_____Damn. I thought as I pulled away from you. "Micha, baby we gotta talk,"
I said. My voice was husky in a hoarse kind of way. I felt on edge again
unsure of what to say to you, but I knew I could not take you to bed. I was
finally ready to let you go and move on with my life. Damn, why did I have to
realize it in the middle of a perfect pairing, I thought silently.
_____I buttoned my blouse and straightened my clothes. "Micha," I said
again, "I can't . . . I need some air." As I spoke to you, I avoided your face. I
did not want to see what I knew was there. I walked to the livingroom and
grabbed my car keys. Where I was going, I had no idea, but I knew that I
had to get away. I left the house and jumped into my car and speed away with
an agility I had not used since my college days at Howard.
_____I drove for what seemed like hours, but I had lost track of time the
moment I stepped into the house and found you there. When I finally focused
on where I was I realized that I was parked in front of Vikki's house. What
was I doing at Vikki's house? What plan had I set in motion? Then it hit
me? I closed my eyes and counted to ten then stepped out of the car. Vikki
must have seen me because her front door was open and she called for me to
come in. "Were you expecting someone?" I asked as I stepped through the
_____"No, I just talked to Michaunah and then I saw your car so I opened the
door? So. what is your problem. She finally comes home to you and you just
walk out and take a drive. Are you trying to pay her back for getting some
sense and leaving you?"
_____I stopped a moment before I spoke, "I don't expect you to understand.
Just do me a favor, would you? Tell Micha that I love her but . . . " I
turned away to hide the tears that were welling up in my eyes, "I cannot get
back with her. The best thing she did for me was to have left me. I have
changed and I have grown. If it were not for her leaving me, I would not
have gone to the shrink. The joy of it is I don't need anyone to make me
feel good and strong. Micha was right to leave me, I was going down a spiral
and I was taking her with me. I would like nothing more than to take her in
my arms and love her the way she wants to be loved. Yet . . . I can't . . .
Just give her my love and tell her to move on without me. We do nothing more
but hurt each other if we get back together. I am driving to my mothers for
the weekend so she can take whatever she wants from the house. Furniture and
anything else she wants." I walked out the house without giving Vikki the
chance to say or do anything.
_____As I drove away, I felt a burden lifted from my shoulders. I had
loved, lost and let go and moved on and was not angry or hurt or sad. I was
free. The past year was rough but it was a " learning me" year. I loved
Micha, this I knew. Yet to do right by her I had to let her go. I had not
seen my mother in months so, for a get away, that was where I was headed.
_____I drove with practiced skill and a leisure that I had not felt in many months. My mind replayed the events of the night and a small tear fell from
the corner of my eye. Not from sadness, but from closure. This was the end
of a chapter in my life, but, Just the Beginning, for a new chapter of good
Copyright © 2000. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.