(for K.G)
__________by Lovelybrown

This is somewhat complicated
And as much as I hate it
I have to keep these feelings subdued
See I canít get caught up in this feeling
Though my heart is reeling
As I deny the fact that Iím slowly falling in love with you.
Or perhaps I should shatter my own sense of denial
and admit that I never really got over you.
Though you and I have manifested into something deeper than lovers.
Damn we deeper than friends.
Though I battle with myself playing ice cold wondering when this ďgood thingĒ will end
Cause I am still HYPMOTIZED
Itís funny how even I have begun to believe my own lies
And exaggerations
Waving away the sensations that I feel when you are in my house
I get butterflies in my stomach in preparation for your visit
What the hell is that about?
Itís so complicated.
Catching peeks into this sub reality
As we kick it casually
Casually blocking out the you and her and
This chemistry.
See I know what you mean to me.
But Iím still a bit to scared to drop my fears and admit this
So I sit on the sidelines suppressing the hate shit
Cause itís not just me
Thereís so much more to this situation
Itís rather complicated
So I try to shake it fast and quick
Suppress questions and obsessions about who you wit
While sitting in this box labeled best friend
Itís a sin to feel this emotion
But I drowned in you over a year ago
Got submerged in your ocean
And when Iím around you I am still floating
Holding onto a raft of hope
No joke
Thinking of your touch
Your scent
Your smile
Itís been awhileÖ
but I still remember how you use to make me blush when we met
And how you use to make me sweat
As I wondered if you were feeing what I was feeling yet
YetÖeven 14 months later do you really know my name?
And from our interactions I sense that at times you feel the same
Or see where Iím coming from
When I give you those intense stares and you say,
ďWhat are you thinking about?Ē
I wonder if youíre dumb
To not see what is clearly standing right here in front of your face
As I watch you chase visions of chocolate Barbieís, superfemmes and
Cruising juke joints and coffee houses with me by your side
As I harbor my pride
Harbor my love
Harboring this devotion that I have for you
Allowing the Scorpio in me to remain cool
Looking for the one in baby butches and match.com
But the truth isÖNO ONE has moved me like you do
That voodoo be crucial
And this is complicated
I battle with myself hating
the fact that I feel this cataclysm of emotions
But you the one that has my utter devotion and loyalty
and I canít help but noting just how perfect you u fit me
My best friend
Through thick and thin
I love you
Though not in that Harlequin Romance sense of the word
But I love you in that urgent, canít breath, inconvenient, why-you-leave, come back to me, anytime-anyplace-anywhere, who cares about the stares, you make me believe again type of love,
UnconditionalÖbut complicated.
I love you in that if- I fall for you my life will never be the same again
I love you in that I-am scared of disrupting this comfortable space between us
While I daydream about obscene stuff
And while I really donít know where this thing of ours is headed
I need you to understand that I can no longer stand it
Living in denial of this situation
TIred of chasing these images out of my mind
No longer willing to waste my time
Fighting feelings
Iím too wise to attribute this attraction between us as a fleeting feeling
And yet even still keeping it real
BabyÖthis is complicated.

Copyright © 2004. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.

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