_____10:43. Let me begin by saying I love my math class, now.
Sitting through this man's lectures used to be the most cruel and unusual punishment I could
imagine, but lately it's not so bad. Kelsie, who happens to sit exactly two rows over and one seat
front of me, and I have been seeing each other for about a month and a half now. I realize that may
not seem like a long time, but considering my track record with women, we're doing pretty good.
And, she's looking pretty good. She has on a brown sweater that fits like a second skin. Her breasts
softly curved underneath, and tried to peak out of the top of the v-neck collar. I be damned if I don't
get a hug today! I try not to think about her like this, but her hips in those jeans (which looked
painted on and baggy all at the same time, and I still haven't figured that one out, yet) have been
calling out to me all morning. But, she's more than just a fine ass black woman who happens to call
ME every night. She's also caring, civic minded, smart, focused, witty, patient, graceful......she's my
lovely.....And, I get to sit back here and stare at her all I want.....Oh how I love this class!
_____ But I still can't figure out why she spends her time with those chickenhead friends of hers. Maybe I should use a better word, but honestly, there isn't one. Those girls are about as dippy as they come. I know she must get bored with them, but I guess she's just loyal. Loyalty is good. Or, maybe she's just too nice to tell them that they get on her damn nerves. Wait a minute. Maybe I get on her nerves, too. Yeah, I never thought about that. Oh geez, I don't like it when my heart starts to beat all irregular like this. I mean, considering who she is and who I am....I mean, its not that I'm a bad catch, it's just that she's such a good one....blink, blink, blink, fight the tears....oh goodness gracious help me somebody my world is crumbling around me!
_____ It all makes sense, now. That explains why after spending time together every day sometimes twice a day, we still haven't gotten past the kissing phase. Not that I'm caught up on that, because I'm not. I truly cherish every moment we spend together. Hell, I've gone home many nights more than satisfied and all she did was cuddle next to me on her couch. It's just something about being close to her.....the way she brushes my arm or lays her hand on my knee....snap out of it! We've got a problem here(besides the fact that I'm referring to myself as we). She doesn't really like me! She's just to nice to tell me! How could I have ever thought.....
_____"Girl, where is your mind?" Oh shit, class is over. I can smell her perfume....."Well?" she asked.
_____"Oh..I was just, you know, thinking." Don't ask, Kelsie, don't ask.
_____Damn it, didn't I tell you not to ask. "Nothing."
_____"Oh-kay," she said it kinda of slowly, like she knows I'm holding something back. "Well," she started, "are you still coming over for lunch?"
No, I can't do that. I need more time to figure out what to do about this, how to get you out of this situation that you don't wanna be in.
_____"Lunch, Kelsie? It's only 11:00, isn't this kinda early?"
_____"Not if you don't eat breakfast, and especially not if this is about what time we always have lunch. Shawn, what's wrong with you?"
_____"Why something gotta be wrong with me? What's wrong with you?"
_____"Ain't nothing wrong with me, you're the one acting all crazy."
_____"Oh, I'm crazy, now? Hunh? I'm crazy?" That's right, pull an Ike Turner on her. She won't want to have lunch with you now.
_____"Shawn," she took a deep breath. "I'm going home, now. If you want lunch, come over. If you don't, then I guess I'll see you later." And, she walked off looking over her shoulder with her eyebrows arched and frowned at the same time. How'd she do that? Anyway, I know that look. That look meant, "Shawn, I'm not gonna get into this with you right, now. But, you can bet we'll settle it later."
_____Well, I didn't go over for lunch. And, I didn't call. And, I still haven't called, although it's finals week and the winter break is coming up. When I saw her in class, I'd throw my head back, like "What's up", and leave early to avoid talking to her. And, she didn't force anything, she just kinda looked at me funny; kinda half mad, half confused, and half hurt. Wait, that's three halves. Anyway, I mean, this is best, right? I'll make her mad at me, and she'll be able to break up with me without feeling guilty. And, I use the phrase "break up" generously since we aren't technically together. Anyway, the point is, she'll be happier....Is that my phone?
_____"Hello?" I answered.
_____"What's going on?" It was her, and she didn't sound happy.
_____"Chillin," I tried to sound nonchalant. "Hold on." I pretended that I was on the other line. Hey, if you're gonna play games, you've gotta do it right, right? "Yeah, I'm back."
_____"You didn't have to get off of the phone."
_____"Oh, it was just this female from back in the day. I know she'll be calling me back. She always does." Yeah, I sound like a playa playa.
_____"Anybody I know?"
_____"Probably your mama."
_____"Nothing. So, when are you leaving for home?"
_____"In the morning."
_____"In the morning! And, you weren't going to call me?"
_____"Don't put me on hold!"
_____"It could be my mama!"
_____"It's not your mama, because you don't have no damn beep! And, I'm not gonna ask you who you were talking earlier, either."
_____"Good, because that ain't your business."
_____"Oh, it's not?"
_____"You ain't my girl!" Damn, this is hard as hell. I don't wanna sound like a playa any more. How do you pretend to feel and be something that you are completely the opposite of?
_____"I can tell that by the way you've been acting like you don't know me."
_____"It's all good. You ain't gotta front no more, I know this wasn't what you really wanted anyway." Wait a minute, I'm getting out of playa character, here.
_____"It's cool, you know, sometimes things just don't work out the way you think."
_____"Are you talking about you or me?"
_____"You. I know this wasn't what you wanted." My heart has taken over, and I can't front any more. But damn, do I have to sound so pitiful?
_____"No, I didn't want things to end up like this."
_____"I mean, you didn't want us to have gotten so close. I know you wanted more. I mean, I know you didn't REALLY like me."
_____"How are you gonna tell me how I feel?"
_____"Well, you weren't gonna tell me. You're too nice."
_____"How do you know how I feel? Shawn...you're...." Go ahead and say it, please say it. Tell me I'm wrong. "You're such an asshole!"
_____"This is why you've been acting so shitty towards me?"
_____"Can I speak?"
_____"That means you be quiet."
_____"Starting now! Don't say another word!" Damn, I'm not afraid to say, to myself ofcourse, that I'm scared pretty good right about now. "If you don't mind, I would like to think and speak for myself. Now, I thought that things were going well. And then you started tripping for no reason. Shawn, do you know how much I've missed you? And, I didn't have to, if only you would have come to me and told me what you were feeling. As much time as we spent together, you don't think I REALLY liked you? Hello! I had gotten so used to you being a part of my life, that it was hell this past week or so with us not even speaking. Baby..." She called me "baby"! I bet she's looking all good right now, with her sexy ass. "Baby, you're so damn silly, why wouldn't I REALLY like you? You make me happy, with the exception of lately, ofcourse. But....hold up! I know why you were tripping! It's because we ain't been fucking around! Shawn! I thought you were different!"
_____"Whoa! I never said that, I mean you were hitting the nail on the head until you went there."
_____"That doesn't bother you?"
_____"You wouldn't want more?" Trick question, think about how you answer this one.
_____"Hell yeah, I would!" And, then, silence. Uhh ohh, I think I answered it wrong. "What I mean is, I wouldn't stop it, but I'm not trying to force it because we're not about that."
_____"What are we about?"
_____"I just...Kelsie, I just want to be with you, you know that. I just want you to be my girl, and I be yours. I just care so much about you that I feel vulnerable, you know, as if the pain is coming any minute now."
_____"And, why can't I feel the same way?"
_____"Do you, you know, feel the same way?"
_____"Would I have even called your sorry ass if I didn't?"
_____"Probably not, hunh?"
_____"Definitely, not." I can hear her smiling over the phone. Whew that means she's not mad any more, and that she wants to be with me, too. "Hey," she said. "Why don't you come over so we can finish talking?"
_____"Now? Sweetie, I leave for home in the morning. I want to see you, but I really shouldn't stay out late tonight."
_____"Then leave from here." Did she just? Close your mouth, fool. Am I sweating? "Shawn? You still there? How does that sound?"
_____"Yeah, uhh.." Okay, answer her question, but don't sound too anxious. "Hell,yeah! I can be there in like five, ten, shit, about seven and a half minutes-"
_____"No, you don't have to rush. I'm not going anywhere." And she didn't, and she hasn't. Yep, for some reason, she's still with me. Notice what I said, she's with me, as in MY girl. That night we slept next to each other. I held her; she held me. She stroked my arm; and I nuzzled her neck and fell in love with the scent of her hair. She kissed me; I kissed her. She needed me, and I needed her. I want to say that it was far more intimate than sex could have been. But, since we haven't quite gone there yet, I don't know. What I do know is that she's so wonderful, and she sleeps kind of rough, too. I just hope she lets me stick around long enough to get used to it. She's my lovely......
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