Rayne 2. Marzett
Day in and day out, my profession dictates that I do nothing but try and convince others that an apple is an orange. That which they see and hear is not to be trusted, and I do this job well. I am a defense attorney; one thing that I have come to understand or accept as part of this job is that if I win good job to me, but if I lose then that must mean that my client should be where they end up. Before you get ahead of me this is not a story about me sleeping with a client/judge and falling in love; I have more ethics then that. As a matter of fact this story is about the most compelling argument that I’ve ever had to put together. One that may have saved my life.
It was a particularly hot Saturday afternoon and I was sitting on the floor of my living room enjoying a bowl of Frosted Flakes and watching some throwback cartoons. I know what you’re thinking, and yes even at the ripe old age of thirty-three I still find myself acting like the kid I harbor in my heart. While I was caught up in an episode of Ninja Turtles, I heard laughter coming from behind me. It was my wife of five years Diviani. Only because she loves me dearly will I allow such things. I start laughing along with her because I know what she’s about to say.
“Rayne you need to quit. If you don’t look like the biggest kid ever.” She comes over and kisses me on the cheek and playfully rubs my head. “My big baby. I’m going out to the store for a little while. Is there anything you want me to pick up?”
“I need more Frosted Flakes,” I say with a grin.
“I’ll see what I can do,” she says on her way out the door.
I get up and put my bowl in the kitchen sink during a commercial break and head back in to the living room just in time. I would really hate to miss a second of action. The kid in me would never allow that kinda thing you understand. As I’m sitting there on the couch totally tuned in to the funny antics of the Ninja Turtles, I am amused at myself and how long I’ve been able to keep up this tradition.
I had hoped to be able to share this time honored classic with my children someday, but Diviani and I have talked ourselves out of being able to raise children properly. At least that’s what I think. Deep down inside I think that our experiences with our mothers and provoked deep seeded fears of our own inadequacies in this department. So, for now and maybe forever it’s just her and I. There are times when my heart really yearns for a child, a little girl that looks and acts like me. But just as soon as that flutter of hope appears I push it aside and remain focused with my stance. No Babies!
Sometime into a Japanese anima turned American rip-off, I found myself falling asleep there on the couch. I’m not sure how long I was sleeping before I was suddenly awoken by a terrible pain in my chest. At first it seemed to be just short stabbing pains, but as I became fully awake the pains turned into deep and long stabbing pains. I looked up and in the midst of the pain and haze of sleep I swore I saw something more horrifying then anything I could have even imagined. It was the Angel of Death a.k.a the Grim Reaper him or herself standing over me and jabbing me in the chest with that long, sharp sickle.
Every time another blow fell upon my breastplate, I felt the sting deep inside my heart. I tried to sit up and confront my assailant, but the pain and jabbing were pulling me further into the cushions of the couch. After awhile of this, I finally and slowly started to take that journey into the dark abyss that is death. Before I could fully give in, the flashing images of my life reminded me of my wife, the love of my life. I pulled myself from the Grim Reapers grasp and forced him/her into a show down. I was not going into that good night; at least not until I was able to tell Diviani goodbye. I owed her that much and this creature of unearthly proportions was not going to stop me from that.
I mustered all the strength that our love would allow me to and I fought Death tooth and nail. It seemed like the harder and more determined I was to stay the louder Deaths snarl became. Death spread its wings and threw back it’s hood so that I could see who or what I was really defying and I began to shake. I still did not bow even at the sight before me. I swallowed hard and ground my feet into the spot that would surly be my last stand and I pleaded with all my might. “Please. Just wait until she gets home.”
Upon hearing my cry of mercy, Death stopped everything and looked at me for a brief moment and saw who and what I really was. A woman in love. Death pointed that sickle at me and as if on instinct I began to go into defense mode. Trying to explain to a creature that obviously has no feelings or understanding there of them what love is and why was it so important that I be able to say my last good byes to the woman that I so dearly and truly loved.
I looked Death in the face and started with the very beginning. How when I was a child I dreamed of a woman. Not just any woman, but one that made me feel whole and complete. How I would spend every moment I had chasing this woman around in my dreams. How I never was able to see her face, but I knew her by her touch and by her smell. I knew her by her love for me and how it made me feel in my soul.
I explained how when I reached a certain age I set out on a quest to find this woman. The woman of my dreams, the one I felt God made especially for me. I recalled the memories and past pains of my failed attempts and forced relationships trying to find her in any and every woman that I could until one day I just finally decided that she was just a dream and I should grow up and forget all about her.
Then, I smiled a huge smile from somewhere deep down inside me and told of how one day out of the clear blue sky that woman found me. How happy I was and how I felt like all my trials and tribulations had not been in vain. I made Death feel something that he/she had never before experienced. I even shared tales of love making that could only be described as the most delectable offering known to man. I was able to give Death what God had given me a glimpse at the perfect love, for it was surly a glimpse if I was to be taken by this Reaper. But I was not fighting to stay with her; no I was willing to go and take my place among the stars if only I could say good bye and maybe tell her how much she meant to me.
The Angel of Death lowered the sickle and its head knowing that my request was something that even the coldest heart could not deny. I had stated my case so eloquently and with such determination that even Death itself could see how much this woman and her love meant to me.
Light slowly faded back to the foreground and the pain subsided from my chest. I was panting or more so gasping for air. Happy to be breathing and alive I couldn’t get enough. My eyes clung to everything around me as if it was all being seen for the first time. I touched myself to make sure I was really there, taking time to pinch a few places to get that feeling of reality set back in. I sang, danced, and jumped for joy.
When Diviani came into the house I hadn’t even heard her for I was so happy and acting so outrageously. She yelled my name as loud as she could to get my attention and I stopped suddenly in my tracks. I ran to her and hugged her tightly; for dear life, my life.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked with concern.
“Nothings wrong with me. I’m just so happy right now. I have to tell you something.”
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
“I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing more important to me in this world or the next then you. You have made me so happy and filled my dark life with so much joy and light that I can’t explain how grateful I am. Every night I say a little prayer in whispers to the God above as a thank-you from me to him for giving you to me. Every moment of every day that you came into my life I have done nothing but cherish the love you have and give to me. You are the proof that I am highly favored by someone or something more powerful then I can even imagine. And that makes everything a piece of cake. I would take on any and everything just to be able to hold you for one moment and look into those eyes of your for eternity. With you is where I find my peace and with you is where I shall always be.”
“That’s sweet Rayne, but where is all this coming from? What’s wrong with you? Why are you so clammy? Are you feeling ok?”
Before she could finish her question, I fell out on the floor. The only thing I remember was saying, "See you soon baby." I took that long walk down that well light tunnel. At the end I was greeted with love and peace--almost the same that I felt with Diviani. But even in the midst of all this love and light I couldn’t help but feel a shocking wave of sadness. I never would have thought that I could be sad in such a place, but the look on my dace and heavy sign in my heart told it all. The angels crowed around me and flapped their wings to a rhythm that reminded me of what I was missing and a slight ease fell over me. It wasn’t enough to make me forget the real thing.
I sunk down to the pillowy floor of clouds and began to cry. Then, I heard that ohh so familiar voice. The one that guided me through the darkness and over the rough patches. That voice that I’ve grown so fond of. It told me that there was no room in heaven for the kind of sadness that I had brought with me, and that if my heart longed to be next to the one I called my special gift then there was nothing left to do but send me back.
I ran back through that tunnel of light and I screamed her name as loud as I could. I needed her to find me. I needed her to know that I didn’t leave her. When I came to on the hospital gurney she was by my side holding my hand and shedding those same lost and lonely tears I had been crying in heaven. I managed to grip her hand tight and whisper her name softly.
She hugged me tight and whispered, “If you ever do that again I will hurt you. You hear me?”
I was barely able to nod, but she knew that I would never leave her again. Not if I could help it.
Copyright © 2006. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.