The Withered Butterfly
What is it that would cause a woman to feel the need to jeopardize the best thing she has in her life for one night of passion? That answer is pretty simple actually--Passion itself of course! For you to understand where I’m coming from, I would have to go back to the beginning, to where this whole thing started.
I was happy, the happiest I had ever been in awhile. I mean wouldn’t you be happy if you came out and told everyone that was close to you that you were gay? Wouldn’t you be happy if they had no problem with it? Wouldn’t you be happy if in the process of letting everyone know, you found someone who may be your perfect fit?
I had always dreamed of my perfect fit. She wouldn’t have to be just like me but somewhat opposite. She would have to be the yin to my yang, the one person that could make me feel whole. I won’t lie; I came close to it once finding my perfect fit--but I was wrong about that one! Plus, she wasn’t a she at all. Yes, the one I thought to be my perfect fit was of the male species, hence the reason I’m sure it did not work out.
Maybe that’s why I was so hesitant to let myself fall in love with this wonderful woman. Or maybe it was the fact that she wasn’t my yin. She was yang which in essence meant we had almost everything in common. Could it work, I thought to myself on numerous occasions. Even after the night we made love, a night that is now permanently burnt into the memory chip called my brain.
That night that started off so innocent, just two friends talking. Talking that turned into a massage, a massage that turned into a kiss, a kiss which turned into… Well, turned into an out of this world experience. She was beautiful, then again she was always beautiful to me, her body the picture of perfection. I just wanted to hold her in my arms forever and look at her. Every move, every moan, the way she said my name, the way it felt when her nails clawed at my back--every thing she did just made me want her so much more.
A month after than night, I realized that I did love this girl and that it didn’t matter that she wasn’t my yin. I knew she had to be my perfect fit. She was the glove to my hand and that was all I needed to know. By this time, she had gone away back to school. Our love affair would turn into phone calls that never wanted to end and instant messengers became our best friends. We talked so much that it reached the point that, if I didn’t talk to her, I would feel like something was just wrong with the day.
Everything was great until the weirdest thing would force us to drift apart--school. We both had exams at the same time, which meant less time spent together and more time in the books. I just wanted exams to end. I was getting lonely without her, very lonely. So, I did something that I had not done in months; I went into a chat room. Now, why did I do that? You see, that’s where I meet her--“Passion” as I refer to her now.
Passion, oh Passion. My sweet lover, my sweet downfall. I fell for her like the bunny fell for tricks. Damn. Why oh why didn’t I listen to them damn kids that always taunted him saying, “Silly rabbit tricks are for kids!” Like tricks, Passion should have came with a warning: “Silly kid, Passion is like fire. If you play with her ass, for sure you’re gonna get burnt.” I wonder, would I have listened to the warning? Probably not. I was too lonely for to long to let Passion get away from me.
We started off as friends who talked online. Slowly, I realized that this girl was turning out to look like the yin I had so been looking for. The fact that we were opposite is what brought us closer. But how could I let this happen? How could I let someone just come into my heart like that? Damn me for letting her enter my heart, a place that had reserved written all over it. The fact of the matter is that, even if I wanted it to stop, it was too late, Passion was there. She knew she was there too, and she devoured every moment of it--knowing that I had a girl, knowing that I was falling for her. The biggest mistake of my life was agreeing to meet Miss Passion, or was it? Nevertheless, I knew there would be harsh consequences to this action. I didn’t care. It felt like years since I knew the warmth of a woman on my skin. I missed that, I wanted that, hell I craved that!
I knew in the back of my head that my relationship with Passion would lead to nothing but a one night stand. I couldn’t be with her and before we met I made this very clear. She knew the rules. It probably sounded like I was using her, but I set up the rules because I did have feelings for her. I didn’t want to fall in love with her or have her fall in love with me. That was out of the question because I would never give up what I have with my girl.
The night Passion and I were to meet, I was nervous as hell. I sat there in the lobby of the cinema waiting for her to walk in. Everyone looked like Passion; this is when I knew I was gone for this girl. I was about to leave she walked in. She was everything and more than what I expected. She had a look that was intriguing to say the least. She was intelligent yet cute, bold yet mild, sporty yet so girlish eyes that instantly melted my inner soul. This girl wasn’t Yin! She was Yin and Yang, and I loved it. She smiled when she saw me. We hugged and went into the theatre.
Never before did I think it possible to have a conversation with someone without using words, but we did… our eyes spoke for us… said it all. Her eyes told a story of a girl just looking to love and be loved, a girl that had been through a lot and taken a lot of shit. While mine would tell her of my story, someone that had found love and just needed the warmth of a touch. I’m not sure when or how it happened, but I realized that I couldn’t hurt her like that. I couldn’t break her heart, I couldn’t make that mistake, because… Well, because I loved Passion. I was the one that was turning out to be the fire, and I didn’t want to burn her.
We talked for hours that night, I explained to her that I couldn’t go through with it. I never told her that I loved her, because telling her would be admitting it to myself. I told her that I loved my girl to much to go through with it. That was also true, I didn’t wanna lose everything I had for one night of passion. She understood just like I thought she would. I swear I loved her even more for that, for understanding. She even understood when I told her that I couldn’t see her again, that I couldn’t even talk to her again. I didn’t want the night to end. I knew it would be our first and last spent together.
I held her in my arms as we sat on my car, overlooking the city and all its lights. They were slowly turning off one by one as the sun rose. At 5:30 we looked at one another and knew it was time to say goodbye. To stay there a minute longer in each others arms would mean never wanting to let go. Letting her go after all would mean walking away from the one I had been searching for, the one I longed for. Right before she got into her car and drove away we kissed, but it wasn’t a normal kiss. It was a kiss that spoke a million words, I love you… don’t let go….don’t leave….let’s stay…you are my Yin and I your Yang…
She left, and I haven’t seen or heard from her since. You know the weird thing is that after I let Passion go, it was as if I transferred all the love to my girlfriend. What I had with Passion helped me realize how much I truly loved my girl; I would let someone who I thought to be my perfect fit walk away to be with her. I never told her about Passion. At times I want to, but I don’t see the point. I know I didn’t make a mistake because it’s been 10 years and our love is going strong. I still think about Passion, about where she is and how she is. Wondering how things would have been. Then, I see my beautiful wife and suddenly she is passion, she always was passion--I just never realized it.
Most people spend there whole lives looking for their “Perfect Fit”. Passion was my perfect fit and everyday I am grateful that I got to meet her, got to know her…because if I didn’t I would not have ever realized that my wife was already just that--my passion.
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