by ApoetSoulSpoken thoughts silent words
Was it the comatose state of my inner being you heard?
Conflicted about the emotions that have been illicit
Not knowing the value and depth of the emotional relations being solicited
Before exposing my bi-polar soul
Make sure you read the warning
It clearly states
“Explicit Content”
So be prepared
For my verbal storming
Even on those lonely nights when I anticipate the most intense session of masturbation
With her on my mind weighing heavy I have to ignore the pulsating vibration
And continue with my psychological dictation
Mechanically
I pick up the phone to release the tension and stress to one of my best girlfriends
As sound waves travel forty-five miles
The connection is interrupted abruptly and I am left answerless
Yet again
It’s like I need her
But I don’t want her
Or
The pressure of striving to be the woman of her dreams
Dreamless dreams
Sleepless nights
Thoughtless thoughts
Lifeless life
And a seemingly occupied body
Full of steam less steam
Attempting to maintain a balance between life and this redundant routine formerly known as love
I indulge in the selfishness of exploring my entirety
It has an ache that demands to be rubbed
Even as I rub the ache that commanded my attention
I take a break to add to these meaningless words
The conjunction of proper nouns and verbs
I find myself still dazed and confused about my explicit content
On the mental verge
Mental verge of an emotional breakdown
Yet
The only truth written
Is that I
A poor black woman
Can’t afford
The Betty Ford Clinical Breakdown I deserve
Isn’t that profound?
Every ten minutes
My mind skips disc one
Jumps straight to disc five
Song twelve
In those six hundred seconds
And
Three minutes two seconds of song twelve in uncomfortably loud silence
I realize
I am a hostage of my own mental hell
My chest is free of gravitational pull
Yet heavy
My breathing becomes annoyingly loud
Yet faint
Which most would say is a sign
But I
Being the BITCH that I am
Delightfully enlighten the inquirer
I am just F.I.N.E.
Fucked-Up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional
F.I.N.E. is simply an acronym that implies I have a SYMPTOM by definition
In laments terms
A symptom is a subjective complaint attention needy females use like a brand new invention
Is it possible that I too
The quote unquote “strong black female”
Is one of those attention needy women stuck at the crossroad conveniently labeled?
“Dead Emotions”
Like a job in retail?
As I change my mask from girl to adolescent and adolescent to semi-adulthood
I find myself unmasking the depths of my inner self entering into womanhood
Hesitantly merging into womanhood I realize I am simply an actress in this play infamously known as life
When morning greets me I am a black female attending school
The afternoon play interlude is a welcome break
I become a black woman
Writing incessantly about her emotions
Is never satisfied
When satisfaction is possible
Is less often fulfilled
Finding security only in the words she writes
Sometimes considered a poet
And as the sun proceeds to leave traces of a tomorrow soon to come
All the masks fade
And I become a lonely soul
Mesmerized
By the enticing shapely figure of the moon’s light
It’s during those nights I realize that I too have needs
A need to watch flowers blossom that were sown from my intellectually liberating seeds
Seeds of knowledge I shouldn’t have known
Seeds of experience I should have never experienced
Seeds of sight I should have never been allowed to see
Seeds that were never intended for me yet become my reason for existing
Seeds that spoke volumes when I shouldn’t have been listening
Seeds that allow my metamorphosis
From a hurting woman in need of the perfect she to call my enigma
Into a woman seeking to heal her yester tears by healing today’s tears
I crave to change destinies of youth so that they do not follow my unstable emotional path
I thirst to learn their plight so vicariously through them I can heal the wounds inflicted by my own mother’s unintended wrath
I hunger to end my day with a she
That mirrors me
So that I can
Relax
Relate
Release
Ultimately
I starve
To find the lost
Obtain the unobtainable
Grasp the intangible
Reach the unreachable
Touch the untouchable
Vision the invisible
And
Understand the inaudible thoughts
Of me
Not just you
Praying someone will see
I’m not looking for lust
Just longing for love
Not seeking acceptance
Just craving approval
Not wanting unrealistic bliss
Simply needing the she that compliments me
Through these words
Traveling from my ancestors struggles
My grandmother’s battles
My aunt’s fight with cancer
My mother’s superficial wounds
My unnoticed surface scars
My cousin’s decorative black eyes
My sister’s excessively abused mind
My niece’s loss of innocence
My unborn daughter’s playground scratches
My descendant’s dissolvable stitches
And finally
Whisking straight through my souls time capsule
So
After rummaging through my minds attic
To compile this compilation
Reveal my revelations
And allow these chained endorphins to be released
I optimistically hope
To experience catharsis
