_____Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw someone else? The face starring back at you was not your own? You had lost yourself and became someone else or something another person wanted you to be? Later, you hate yourself and the person who caused the very core of yourself to flee into the night, to be replaced by the person in the mirror.
_____It happens when you give control over your life to someone else except GOD. It happens when you let another person plan your life in order to please themselves. When you love someone, you have a tendency to think it is all right. Why not? Sometimes you are not even aware of the giving of giving your soul. Suddenly you wake up and you are not there any more. You are only there to please the person you are with. When the person you are with becomes displeased, you are either angry with your self, feel you are inadequate, mad as hell with the other person for wanting more than you or any person can give.
_____How in the hell did I let this woman do this to me? I didnít love her. She was verbally abusive and money hungry. The controlling and possiveness should have given me a hint. Let me paint you a better picture.
_____The woman was CEO of a nation wide nonprofit organization. So, you know she was not suppose to be dumb. Her six feet frame and bad feet, plus a bad hip made her walk as if she was stepping on hot coal. Her staying high on pot did not make her walk any better. Indeed, she was high every waking moment. She smoked pot before she went to work in the mornings; She smoked pot at lunch and she smoked when she came home in the car and smoked after she got home. Pot was her thing and coke was her other thing. It was almost a year and a half of living with her before I found out about the coke. I knew about the pot from the start of the relationship didnít know she was a pot head. Maybe the verbal abuse came from so many years of drug abuse.
_____This fool woman would smoke pot before she went to church, where she sang in the choir. She would amen the pastor to death and holler more than a stuck pig. All the time she was high as hell. The church of all places was the one place, I though she would not need the high. High she was, singing in the choir with a voice intended to be the town crier. I was so disgusted.
_____I hated to go to the same church with her. She was a fanatical person when it came to church activities and was devoted to the female pastor. Marilyn (that is her name) would sang through two services and then purchase the recorded sermon on tape to listen to it later. I almost lost my Godly spirit. The same woman would come home and smoke a joint, curse me like crazy for hours and then spend half the night crying, because she felt I did not love her. I was having a problem loving myself.
_____I stopped going to church with her. The old country Baptist Church down the road was more my style. I joined the Baptist Church and had an old fashion good time in the name of the Lord. The Baptist Church was a contrast to her church where most of the congregation was composed of professionals. She made me suffer for leaving her church. Now, I look back and realize people do not have power over you unless you give it to them. I gave up the power to her, to do whatever she wanted and I wasnít high.
_____One weekend she was so high; She fell down the stairs at home and bumped all the way down stairs on her ass. She climbed back upstairs and cried in my arms for almost a hour. She really busted her big yell butt. I mean it was bruised badly and had a big dent in it. I went into the bathroom and laughed my ass off. Oh, I felt bad, but I could not stop laughing. Damn, I had fallen down those stairs six times and did not feel the need to cry. Here was another major issue. My, so called, inability to cry.
_____She insisted something was wrong with me, because I did not cry. She cried all the time and thought I should be doing the same. I thought something was wrong with her. Marilyn was willing to pay for my therapy to cure me of the inability to cry. Shit, she cried enough for the two of us. I should have been crying after I married her and found out what a bitch she was.
_____We were married by a minister in a church. She planned the wedding with the same perfectioness she used at her work place. She was the boss. Okay! She had the money. It was her house. Oh shit! Now, I am scared to death. I had given up my apartment to live with her. Lock, stock and barrel, I had moved in with her. The lock stock and barrel was to be a major turning point in our relationship. It is funny now, when I recall those words. September the fourth, nineteen ninety nine was the day she picked for the wedding, after I refused to live with her without a permanent commitment. She called my bluff and made me promise to never leave her. I agreed never to leave her. She kept the promises coming. I had to promise not to masturbate. I promised her I would not masturbate in her absence and masturbated everyday. I had been forced to too many promises and was feeling the cold fear. We were not even married ,yet. Some how, I had to stop the fear.
_____Two and a half weeks before the wedding, Marilyn is stressed out. She refuses to talk to me about it and I am scared shitless to go near her. I decided to sleep on the couch. I really donít want to bother her and I am tired of asking her, ďWhat is the problem?Ē I canít stand and will not tolerate her yelling. The yelling makes me feel terrible. How do I make this woman in my life so unhappy. I am dedicated to this relationship and playing it straight. We have the rings and we have the love and she refuses to speak to me. Maybe she has doubts about the marriage? Marilyn, could have expressed those doubts to my scared ass and saved us both a lot of trouble.
_____The next day we made up. I called her at work to talk to her about the way we were not relating to each other. It was a thing I would do a lot in the years to come. When you call her at work she could not yell and scream. She had to listen to voice and reason. She could not scream and curse at work. We were so different from each other. I still wonder why we tried to love and stay together.
_____Marilyn, is a control freak, bossy, possive, manic, depressed, cheap, generous and what ever it took to take and hold control over me. She is a Boston, Mass girl and the bright smile she wears is not her true self. I called her Li, not Marilyn. Li, sees life in black and white or right or wrong as she perceives it to be. She confesses not to be a lair, only the speaker of the truth. We could not participate in a love relationship like a business office with her being the CEO. She was CEO at work. We did not need it at home. We had both been alone for two years and neither of us was willing to share freedom.
_____I got my first sermon from Li today. Sermon on the Mount. She has a thing about me having Q and Doreen in my life. They are my friends. Q is a self described butch. Doreen and I have been friends for many years and she lived in another state. She is married and has two children. She doesnít have a problem with my Black same gender loving self and I do not have a problem with her White heterosexual self. The two of them blast me about my faults and make me laugh and strong at the same time. I canít give them or their phone calls up just because Li feels threaten. I try to limit my calling. I will not put any restrictions on them calling me. Li calls whomever she wants to and receives all of her calls. When she finds the phone bill she goes berserk. It is punishment time for me. What will be the punishment this time? She turns her back to me in bed when we retire for the night. It is the sexual punishment time.
_____I refuse to be broken or a saddle placed on my back. I will give the best of me bare back. The lovemaking refusal pisses me off. Li was the only one I had ever performed oral sex on and I was hooked. I loved it. Her clitoris was large, hard and wet. I loved the smell the feel and the taste on my tongue as I gently licked the side of her clitoris until it grew hard. I could do it for hours. I loved the taste and smell of her vagina as I pushed my tongue in and out. I would cover her from clitoris to vaginal opening with my tongue and mouth and suck and lick her to climax. The pussy was good. I was new at it as other lovers would never let me do it to them and I did not want to. Li was different. She would let you do anything to her sexually and I did everything I could think of. I was in control in bed. I donít believe in sexual role playing or any role playing. Li was butch and she refused to give up what I called her macho traits. She had been a so call butch too long. I was just a same gender lover with out the role playing. Li is six feet tall, so our lovemaking was long, wet and good. It takes a while to lick a womanís body that is as long as Liís is and I loved it. Li was the bottom for most of the relationship, but when she was butch sexually: I felt she was putting on an act. Yet, she could be very butch in the other parts of our relationship.
_____Image my surprise, when after a year and a half of being married she comes home late and smelling of pot and beer and announces that she was bisexual. I was stunned, hurt confused and angry. What in the hell was she talking about? I could smell her. This woman had not only cheated, but she had fucked a man and had been doing it for quite a while. Oh my God! I had her yelling in bed the night before so loud; I am sure the neighbors could hear her, and now she is sleeping with men? I tried to talk to her about it the next day and she denied she ever said it. It was only after some bad times she finally admitted she had indeed said it. Her son confirmed it. He remember her sleeping with many men as well as women.
_____I was devastated. The bisexual statement really did something to me. Sex with Li was never the same. Her pussy was never as sweet. I know she felt the change. I didnít want it or her anyone more. Masturbation took away the sexual edge for me. I would not let her make love to me. Li was always sexually lazy. Saturday night was her time.. The relationship was changing.
_____Her verbal abuse escalated to the point where Li was out of control. Instead of me staying in the gentle, nurturing and loving place where I used to be, instead, I retreated and would not communicate. I ceased to support Li in the way she wanted.
_____I still made sure her clothes were clean and pressed. I styled her hair and prepared her coffee every morning. I was careful to check her shoes, so she would not wear a blue shoe on one foot and a black shoe on the other foot. It happen when she purchased the same style shoes in two different colors (black and blue) , smoked a joint and went color blind.
_____I still promised never to leave her. How could I stay in such a abusive relationship?
_____Sometimes I wonder, but, wonít probe into the history of her past life. What was her family life like? I found out later when it was too late for me to care. We needed to work on a solution. I sure as hell did not cause her problems which sent her to therapy once a week for twenty years. We went to her therapist together four times. I listen to Li lie like a dog to her therapist. She blamed me for every thing that we went wrong in our relationship. Yet, I felt powerless to contradict her. I felt like Mike Tyson when he and Robin Givens were interviewed by Barbara Walters on television. Every time we went to see her therapist Li was high as hell on pot or coke. I seldom got a opportunity to express my views and was unaware of the therapist ignorance of Liís drug use. It was only later she learned about the drugs when I revealed it and suggested the drugs might play some part in Liís depression and manic behavior. Li refused to discuss the drug problem and I refused to attend any sessions with her.
_____The worse therapy is having a lover give it to you. Choices! Choices! Choices! I am a let it flow type of person. I canít deal well with confrontation and anger. I keep my tears and emotions behind my smile. I find it hard to deal with people yelling at me. I cry tears inside that feel as if I will drown in the collection of my tears. I am not up tight. I am cool and accepting of flaws in myself, the world and others. I love people and sometimes my friends and lovers accuse me of being a flirt. I want to make people feel good about them selves. Lord, I am so tired of hearing about my faults and what I am thinking when I donít know myself. Please, donít yell at me. It is useless and makes me feel so bad.
_____I know, I am worthy. I am an African American female. I am what I have to be to survive. I am bitch, witch, focus, loving, sexual, forgiving, alone, together and a whole person within me. A place only the spirit of God can alter.
_____I have to tell this woman not to push me into a shell. I know my worth and donít have to express much. Sometimes Li makes me feel like a prized nigger and other times like a queen. It is hard to deal with the changes, but, of course that was my problem. It was never about me or any of my needs it was all about keeping herself safe and well cared for.
_____Can I help it if I donít know how to be a good lesbian. I am a good person who has a special love for women. Fuck the lesbian part. I just learned how to eat pussy and now I have to learn lesbian protocol? Give me a break.
_____I have never been this serious about a person or a relationship before. I am trying hard to do the right things. I do not feel I am capable of making her happy. You have to gather you happiness from life and the positive places within yourself. I donít seem to have a problem making her unhappy. I find my happiness in me and the happy times shared with others. Why canít she? I donít feel the need to be loved. Give me a lot of respect, okay? I feel the need to love someone and Li is a hard person to love, because she argues so much and makes me so angry that she blocks my love for her. Here I am married to a woman. Spouse and Spouse. It sounds like a law firm.
_____My relationship with Li feels like a tennis match sometimes. I let the ball go by without swinging. Her serves are too fast and hard for me. I wonder if I can stay with her and not lose me.
_____Oh, how I love to laugh, tease, play and feel the rain and sunshine on my face. I love to wake up in the morning and see my bright smile in the bathroom mirror. I did not see me this morning in the mirror. I saw another person. It was not me. I know now it is time to leave.
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