General Info:
- What is cheating?
- What do you mean by emotionally cheating?
- Is sex with someone outside of your relationship always cheating?
- What if I'm not sure I'm in a relationship?
- Why do people cheat?
For The Cheater:
- Well, if I have a reason, isn't cheating justified?
- What are some alternatives to cheating?
- I still want to cheat.
- Help! My girlfriend caught me cheating, what should I do?
- I cheated on my lover in the past. She doesn't know, should I tell her?
For The Girlfriend:
- I think my girlfriend is cheating. Should I confront her?
- My ex cheated on me, so I'm having a hard time trusting my new girlfriend.
- I know my girlfriend is cheating. What should I do?
For The Other Woman:
- If her girlfriend satisfied her, she wouldn't have crawled into my bed, right?
- How long should I wait for her to leave her girlfriend for me?
- What is cheating?
_____A person is cheating when a) she has agreed to certain terms in a relationship and b) breaks that agreement through her sexual and/or emotional involvement with someone outside of the relationship. If you have agreed to be monogamous with Anne, having sex with anyone but Anne is cheating. If you, Anne, and Betty have agreed that the three of you will only have sex with each other, going outside of that relationship is cheating.
_____Whether you are in a relationship with one person or eight people, once you've broken the terns of the relationship, you are cheating.
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- Emotional cheating? But is it cheating if there's no sex?
_____Of course, your lover isn't the only person you can connect with emotionally. We share emotional bonds with friends and family too. It's when you create a lover-type emotional bond with someone else that it's cheating. To put it plainly, when you treat another woman like she is your girlfriend even though you haven't had sex with her. If you have a relatonship that you have to hide from your girlfriend (an online girlfriend, a "special" phone friend, the co-worker that you have dinner with when you tell your girl you are working overtime), that's a big sign that's it's in emotional cheating territory.
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- Is sex with someone outside of your relationship always cheating?
_____Having sex with a person outside of your relationship is fine, when and if it's acceptable in the terms of your relationship. For example, you and Anne agree that it's okay for both of you to have a one night stand when one of you is out of town. So, when Anne is on a business trip, she's not cheating if she sleeps with someone she met in the hotel lobby and you aren't cheating if you pick up someone at the tea dance. However, if you have a one night stand when Anne is home or you have a one night stand that turns into an affair, you are cheating because the agreement with Anne has been broken.
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- What if I'm not sure I'm in a relatonship?
_____Anne and Betty met through a mutual friend. After a great date, they continue to see each other. They continue to have fun together and the sex is hot! Betty meets Candy during jury duty. They have a great time talking and flirting at lunch time and Candy slips Betty her number.
_____Now, Betty's not quite sure what she should do. In the beginning, it was clear that Anne & Betty were just dating. Lately, though, they were acting like a couple and their friends had all assumed they were officially "together." Did Anne think of Betty as a girlfriend, lover, friend with benefits?? It was something they never talked about. Would Betty feel betrayed/cheated on if she saw Anne on a date with someone else? Would seeing Candy be cheating??
_____In a situation like this, the best solution would be for Betty to talk to Anne first and figure out what kind of relationship they have/want. Perhaps Anne thinks Betty is a fun diversion until the real Ms. Right comes or Betty thinks Anne is the woman she's going to spend the rest of her life with. To prevent a lot of potential trouble and misunderstanding, Anne & Betty should be upfront about what they want and expect from each other (if anything).
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- Why do people cheat?
_____While there is no one reason why people cheat, it appears that people who cheat are not 100% satisfied with the relationship they are in. According to our survey, the majority of the people who cheated said they felt emotionally neglected. Sometimes, people who have a fear of commitment or feel that they should be able to sample all the flowers in the field cheat because they feel confined by the terms of a relationship. Of course, there are always people who use cheating as a tool to find a new lover before dumping the old one.
_____A person may not know why she is cheating, but cheating doesn't "just happen." One minute I was walking to the mailbox and the next thing I know I was in a hotel room with my tongue in a stranger's pussy. Better than that - I was in the shower washing my hair when this woman materialized from the steam and stared sucking my nipples. How many times has that happened to you? I didn't think so.
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- Well, if I have a reason, isn't cheating justified?
_____Whatever reason you have, it doesn't make cheating acceptable or your girlfriend's fault. Cheating is not something that a situation or another person can force one in to. It is a choice made of freewill.
_____For example, Anne is hungry. Looking through her pantry, she discovers she has pancake mix and a jar of poison. She takes the poison. As soon as the poison gets into her mouth, she begins to get sick. Would you say that Anne's hunger made her sick? Of course not, Anne got hungry but it was her choice that made her sick.
_____Realize Anne has two problems now; she's hungry and sick. Whatever issue you had/have with your relationship, cheating doesn't solve the problem--it makes it worse. If you think your lover is emotionally distant now, what do you think will happen when she finds the hickeys she didn't put on your neck? More distance plus now she can't trust you.
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- What are some alternatives to cheating?
_____Long, cold showers. Just kidding. Communication is the ultimate solution. Talk to your girlfriend about what you need/fear/desire/want, don't assume that she knows and just doesn't care. Sometimes we don't know what we really want or need, so how can we expect someone else to. Instead of saying what she doesn't do, tell her what you would like her to do. Listen to her needs and concerns as well.
_____Also, look at what changes you can make to better the situation. If you don't think you spend enough time together, look at your schedule and see what you are willing to give up to make it happen. If it's a problem that requires going to counseling, then go.
_____If you don't want to be in a relationship or are not ready for one, just be honest about it. Break ups hurt, there is no way to get around it. Add cheating on top of it is like rubbing salt in an open wound.
_____Talking to your girlfriend and working through problems may not be as exciting as the thought of having an affair, but if she catches you with someone else, the only words out of your mouth will be, "Baby, let's talk about this" or "Let's try to work it out."
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- Yeah, whatever. I still want to cheat.
_____Then for the safety of yourself and your girlfriend, have safe(r) sex when you cheat. When it comes to AIDS, we like to think that lesbians are risk free -- that's just not true. Also, lest we forget, there are a lot of other STDs out there just waiting to find a home in your body.
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- Help! My girlfriend caught me cheating, what should I do?
_____Don't try to blame her for your mistake. Own up and take responsibility for whatever you've done. You've hurt her and lost her trust; she has every right to leave you.
_____If she does decide to try and salvage the relationship, you have a LOT of work to do. Gaining her trust back is not going to be easy and it's going to take some time. Don't expect her to just "get over it." Don't think a few teary apologies are going to do the trick. She may want to put you on lock down: work and/or school, and back home. She probably won't want to have sex/make love for a while either.
_____Eventually, the two of will have to have a serious talk about your relationship: your needs, fears, expectations, desires, etc. No saying what you think she wants to hear or vice versa, for the relationship to really work you have to really say what's on your hearts and minds. Real work has to be done. Any or all of this may require you to go to couple's therapy.
_____If you just want some quickie forgiveness, aren't dedicated to working through your problems, or plan to start cheating again soon as you win her trust back, you might as well break up and move on.
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- I cheated on my lover in the past. She doesn't know, should I tell her?
_____If your girlfriend is likely to find out from someone else, you should definitely tell her first. There is nothing more embarrassing than a friend (or worse, the "other" woman) telling you about your girl's cheating. If you tell her, she'll be angry but there won't be that extra layer of humiliation.
_____If your girlfriend won't find out from someone else, the choice is really up to you. Some might say that you should tell her anyway because there needs to be total and complete honesty in a relationship. If your girlfriend gets mad and breaks up with you--well those are just the consequences of your actions. Or she can forgive you and appreciate your honesty.
_____There is also the opinion that what your girl doesn't know won't hurt her. If the cheating is truly in the past and you have been faithful since, what good will telling your girlfriend do? You will just be hurting her and inviting her to not trust you. How will that help your relationship?
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- I think my girlfriend is cheating. Should I confront her?
_____The last thing you want to do is accuse your girl of cheating if she isn't. Unless she has been caught cheating in the past or has done something which destroyed your confidence in her, give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt. I'm not saying to ignore suspicious behavior, but don't be overly confrontational about it and, unless you have direct evidence she is lying, believe the answer she gives you.
_____For example, you are doing the laundry and find red lace panties mixed in with the clothes. You know they aren't yours and you've never seen them before. Instead of throwing them in your girl's face and making accusations, just ask (not angrily), "Hey, where did these come from?" Her answer, "Remember when my sister came up for the weekend? Those are hers. I can't believe she left her funky clothes here." And then she points out a skirt and blouse that you remember her sister wearing are also in the wash.
_____Most behavior that a suspicious mind may associate with cheating can also have rational, non cheating explanations. The key is to figure out what makes the action suspicious. If you feel like you aren't spending enough time with your girl, when another woman calls the house for her, you may get suspicious--even if it's someone she's been friends with for years. Instead of making accusations or letting your imagination run wild, address the real issue and figure out a way to spend more time with your girl.
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- My ex cheated on me, so I'm having a hard time trusting my new girlfriend.
_____It's wrong to punish your new girlfriend for things your ex did. It's natural to be afraid of getting hurt again, but if you aren't careful that fear can sabotage your new relationship. You just have to hold your tongue and remind yourself that your new girlfriend is not your ex. Eventually, you will stop replaying your ex's mistakes.
_____Let's say that while the two of you were at a club, your ex would run off to the bathroom and have sex with anyone she could snatch off the dancefloor. Now, whenever you go out with your new girlfriend, you get a knot in the pit of your stomach when she goes to the restroom. Resist the temptation to follow her and stand guard in front of her stall. (And don't send your best friend to spy on her, either). Little by little, you'll be able to leave the past in the past and enjoy the present.
_____If it's been a while and it feels like you just can't get over what an ex did to you, there may be other issues involved and therapy could be helpful.
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- I know my girlfriend is cheating. What should I do?
_____First, don't let your anger take complete control and lead you to do something stupid. No putting sugar in somebody's tank, setting her clothes/car on fire a la Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale, no "cutting that bitch," starting a fight, etc. You don't want to do anything that can get you into legal trouble or as the defendant on Judge Mathis. Besides, it would just make you angrier knowing that the woman who cheated on you (or the other woman) has the power to have you arrested.
_____Second, no matter what anyone says, it's not your fault. "If you had taken care of home, this wouldn't have happened." If your girlfriend says this to you, it's because she doesn't want to see herself as a "bad" person and own up to her responsibility. Refer her to question 5 above. If it's the other woman who has said this to you, it's because she doesn't want to think badly of herself or your girl. Don't take that guilt onto yourself; it will just serve to hinder you from what you should be doing.
_____After the crying, the name calling, and the door slamming, it's time to concentrate on what you want and need. If your girl is leaving you for the other woman, it will hurt but your best bet is to wave goodbye. I know movies, songs, and friends may encourage you to "fight" for your woman. If you "girlfriend" is not repentant about cheating, has no problem disrespecting you, has no problem disrespecting your relationship, and doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior, what exactly is there worth fighting for? More than anything else, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
_____If your girlfriend wants to stay in the relationship and wants to work it out, it's your call. If you decide not to show her the door, it's going to take some honest and hard work to heal the relationship. You are going to have to forgive. She's going to have to earn your trust back and convince you that she won't fall back to cheating when/if your relationship hits a rough patch.
_____Don't agree to a reconciliation if your only goal is to turn around and cheat or torture her. You've heard it before, "Two wrongs don't make it right, but it makes us even." When you purposely set out to hurt someone, you are also hurting yourself. Besides, it will only make you feel better for a minute. After it's over and you've dissed her, you will still have to deal with the pain she originally caused you.
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- If her girlfriend satisfied her, she wouldn't have crawled into my bed, right?
_____That's wrong and for two reasons. Number 1: a woman can have a great girlfriend but cheat because she's not ready for a relationship or commitment. Number 2: If a woman experiences problems in her relationship, it's her reaction to those issues--not her girlfriend-- that has lead her to cheat. She's responsible for her own actions. Of course, it's better if you view the cheater as a victim. If she's not, then you may see yourself as helping her hurt someone else.
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- How long should I wait for her to leave her girlfriend for me?
_____You could be waiting a long time. In fact, over 60% of the people who took our survey would end the affair if the other woman fell in love. Less than 2% said she would dump her girlfriend for the other woman. So, you could be waiting until hell freezes over.
_____While it is possible the woman you are having an affair with will leave her woman for you, what exactly would you be getting? Giving your heart to her is like freely giving your money to a known con artist. If she isn't ready for commitment/relationship with her current girlfriend, she would proably not make the perfect mate for you. If relationship issues prompted her to cheat on her current girl, what do you think will happen if the two of you have relationship issues? Is great sex all you have in common? That's not the foundation for a long and happy life together.
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